Not too much to say this morning. I did feel like the attorney kind of blew me off, but I wrote him a letter that I will include with the paperwork that I have to send him. The whole thing just seems so unreal. I keep waiting to wake up.
Having a very difficult morning, which follows a difficult evening. I try to continue to have hope, but i think that it is done. I don't think anything can help my M now.
Hope - yes, my H said he would think about what I said. But, after our conversation, he said he would call me later that day and he didn't. He called me yesterday afternoon and left me a message that was really about nothing and that was it. I mean, if he really thought about it, don't you think he would have said something? Even if it was "i thought about it/still thinking about it." Something? I think he just said that as a way to end the conversation.
I need to accept that I have lost my H for good...he isn't coming back to me. I love him and always will, but his feelings for me have changed. And I hate that this has happened, but it is clear that nothing i say or do will make him change his mind. He did this...this is what he wants. And it hurts like hell. But, i can't be in denial any longer.
What the papers say bother me tremendously. I am not sure how to go about changing what they say. Perhaps asking my H to do that is one option. The whole thing is just so painful and this is something i never thought i would have to do. But, my H has made his decision and unfortunately, he has chosen someone else. I can't say that i hope for them to be happy, b/c that would be a lie. I do want my H to be happy, but not with her. And maybe that makes me bitter and selfish - so be it. I have no good feelings towards this other woman, even though i know it is my H i should blame.
Here is my take on the ill feelings for the OW. I completely understand why you do Here's my analogy. Two people rob a bank. The 1st robber shoots and kills a teller the second does not shoot the teller however continues on with the robbery. In my eyes and actually the laws eyes they both are guilty of the murder. Did 2nd robber pull the trigger? No. Do we know if the second one was planning on pulling the trigger? No we don't. However what we do know is that both parties were fully aware of what they are doing and what the consequences may be. Therefore both parties should be held responsible for thier actions. Yeah our spouses are the one's who betrayed us but don't think for one second these low life's that are having the affairs with our spouses deserve any sort of amnesty for their actions. They are self centered human beings who have absolutely no morals.
I do try not to have animosity towards the ow. But, she knew he was married...she knows me for god's sake...she knew me before she even knew my H. And I have little tolerance for people who have affairs, and have children with their spouse. I can't even imagine the pain it causes the children. So, this ow wasn't done when she broke up her family...she had to break up mine too. Yes, i know, my H didn't have to go along with any of it. But, it does take two.
I continue to have the same feelings of "why doesn't he love me enough to stay with me?" And "why does he love her more?" I know that these thoughts aren't helpful, but they exist nonetheless. I keep trying to figure out what happened to my H...i miss the man that i married so much. This just doesn't seem real. Before, i really could believe that there was still hope. Now, after getting the papers, i see that there isn't. But, why does he continue to do the things that he does? I don't understand it.
I can't take this pain anymore...something's gotta give. I think, if my H can't come back to me, then this pain has got to go away. And neither of those things are happening.
Its amazing how we can spend time together and to look at us, it looks like nothing is wrong. I don't know if he is just faking it. But, honestly, i still do feel this connection between us. Even if he did come back, i don't know how it would work...there has been so much that has happened. And i just don't know how one can forget those things. I tried to remember last night what it felt like to sleep next to my husband and i couldn't remember. And that just feels really bad. I miss so many things about us - all the good things. And i feel like the bad things about our M have improved. So, to build on the good that existed already would really make our M great. But, he can't or won't do that. And as hard as it is, i have to acknowledge that he has chosen someone else over me...the love of his life. That's kind of funny...if i'm the love of his life, how does he walk away so easily?
I keep hoping that one day, i will wake up and things will seem a little lighter. I have to take it one day at a time and pray for the continued strength to make it through this heartbreak.
Imdi99: Your H is being a dufus. Keep being strong and keep trying to GAL. Believe me, I know that is hard since I am trying to do so myself, but I completely feel your pain in everything you say...
I have been told that men in an affair are aliens and do not act the way that they should or even ever did. My H is acting like a loon as well...
I don't know if any of this makes you feel better, but you are not alone. Keep the hope - some days it is all you have...
But that's the fact: in a state of affair you can least expect any pattern of normalcy, or willingness to remember good things, or desire to work on M. That's hard, but it's a symptom, like in a disease. WHen they have someone else on the back burner even if they say that they'll work on the M, they most likely will work on creating a case why it's not going to work. Because there's no incentive: there's an OP who is waiting, and it all is so exciting. Besides, experienced people say that romance is a state of temporary insanity which by the way has nothing to do with love; that's the answer to your question why he walks away from the love of his life. Because he's in an altered state, and because there's no love with OW, there's romance! And romance thrives on challenge; it's not so much a desire for the result, but rather for the process of overcoming obstacles and achieving the prize: the OP. But you know what, the cure for this disease is a good dose of reality. Once smoke clears and reality sets in, your H and OW might make several interesting discoveries, such as there's price for everything, and the affairs that started while being in M usually pay with breakup. According to some statistics, and I'm not saying it's precise, only 25 % of spouses involved in A marry the A partner. From that 25%, only 25% stay together in 5 years. Moreover, during these 5 years such spouses have more chance to return back to the original family (or at least attempt to) than to stay married to the A partner. There seem to be something inherently doomed in the marriages that started on the wreckage of previous ones; and it's logical if you think about it - spouses already know for sure even if they try to repress or deny it, that at least one of them is not to be trusted in terms of fidelity, and the other - in terms of initiating a R with a married person. Add guilt; add unresolved problems from the previous R (and there are plenty - after all, instead of working on problems the spouse chose to run away with OP) that are bound to reappear with the same intensity, and you get, well, recipe for disaster.
I'm not saying that's the absolute truth; after all there are successful marriages started as A; but most of the time they involve a truly awful previous M.
Statistics and other information taken from book "Private Lies" by Frank Dellis
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
How are you doing? I wanted to say hi and let you know I'm still around; I post over in MLC a lot now. I just think it might be what is going on with my H. (besides the affair). Things are ok; I'm holding my own. What's happening with you? I'll check back. Hope you are ok!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I just wrote a post, and it disappeared after i sneezed...i have no idea what happened.
I haven't posted in a while, as there is really nothing going on with me. Had a brief conversation with my H the other day, basically about scheduling my visit with my cats.
I guess it is time for me to move on. I am beginning to realize that my M cannot be saved. There was a time when i thought there was a chance, but not anymore. My H has made his choice. I know that i made mistakes throughout our M, but nobody is perfect. I have always felt that my H had unrealistic expectations of R and M, and his behaviors have proved that. He has chosen to be with somebody else. I guess i shouldn't be surprised...i imagine this is my punishment for what i did 10 years ago. It is a shame that my H can't see that we had a good life together. Despite my issues, I was a good wife to him.
I never would have imagined, in my worst nightmares, that this would happen. I believed in my H, and in our M. I believed that he would love me forever...that we would be together forever. And i don't understand why that can't be.
For the past 2+ years, i have done everything and anything to save my M. Did i make mistakes along the way? Sure did. So did my H. I don't understand how this can be so easy for him. Why does he think that getting divorced is going to be less painful than sticking it out and trying to make this work. I forgot, this isn't about our M. This is about him deciding that he wanted someone else. And it really has nothing to do with me. Hard thing to internalize though. I keep wondering why he doesn't love me enough to work this out. Why he doesn't love me enough to look past the mistakes. I never thought he would ever stop loving me. The reality of that is like a punch in the stomach.
I will never fully understand the motivations behind his choices. I guess it doesn't matter. I just wish that he could be the man that i married...the man that i saw standing at the altar, with a huge smile on his face. The man i thought would cherish me forever. Maybe he never existed...i don't know. Either way, it hurts. I don't know who or what to believe anymore.
I still love my H...i always will. Its hard to imagine a life without him. But, i have to accept that. My M is over...and it hurts, really bad.
Hey hope- Thanks for checking in. There is not much new with me. I guess i felt like posting just kept re-opening the wounds for me. I will be meeting with my attorney next Tuesday. My H continues with his confusing behaviors (i got an "i miss you" last week). He and I spoke yesterday for about an hour. I just don't know what to make of any of it. I continue to look for an apartment. Right now, I am really trying to detach my emotions from the whole situation. I am trying to keep busy. But, other than that, not much is new with me. Just trying to take it one day at a time.
I hope that all is well with you. I will check in with your sitch soon.
Ok, lmdi, this is what I think. When you finally decide YOU'VE had enough, he will come running back. If he is THIS confused now, when you are still tossing him bones, I imagine he will be overwhelmed when you're truly not there for him. The bad/sad part is that you have to get there on your own, either because you just have had enough, or you decide to totally drop the rope. I don't think any amount of posting/reading can get you to that point. Tim finally got there and look what happened to him. Sure, your sitch is different, but really none of our sitches are THAT different from the others. They all involve somebody that left a relationship for soemthing they thougt was better and most of them will find out they're wrong. Your H seems like he may be one of the many that figures that out. Just a matter now of if he will figure it out in time.
I think you have to keep doing for you, which is really hard I know, but you know it's right. Get your apartment, make some new friends, do some new things, etc. All the usual DB stuff should apply here.
I hope you are well, and I will be thinking of you.
