At this point, since H. has filed, you have nothing to lose, right? So if I were in your shoes, this is what I would do.
I would call H. and ask him to meet with you to talk about something. Hopefully he would agree to meet in person; this would be better than over the phone.
I would just ask him, straight out, WHY he does this. [Imdi, in all the threads here I've not read about any spouse that misleads as much as your H. does.] The holding of hands, the touches, the "I miss you being next to me" stuff. Maybe he truly does mean it, and if so, then WHY the divorce?
Something is very wrong here! I don't understand why your H. is doing these things but I feel that you need to call him on it in order to get out of your pain. If he really wants to follow through on the D., well, then why is he saying and doing all of these things that are SO opposite of a person wanting a D? That is what you need to flat out ask him.
There is nothing wrong with divorcing amicably, and that's one thing. But your H. is being far too conflicting in his legal actions vs. how he talks to you, touches you, etc. You need him to explain this, Imdi.
I hope I haven't been too harsh, but your last post rubbed me the wrong way and I am hoping you can get some answers from him soon.
Hugs!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thanks for the feedback...i am so confused right now, i don't know whether i am coming or going.
Hope - I know that i have to put my foot down and confront him about his mixed messages...my cousin's wife said the same thing to me last night...that these certainly aren't the actions of a man that wants to get D. I did try to say to him on Sunday that none of this makes sense - he tells me how much he misses me and how a big part of him still wants this to work - and then sends me those D papers. He said he knew it didn't make sense...maybe he doesn't even know why he does it. I don't know. But you are right, i have nothing more to lose. I just wish I could make out what the F he is thinking!!!
I will think about what you said. And try to figure out if i can get up the nerve to confront him.
I disagree that it's a good idea to confront him. Consider this - while he's being in a state of confusion or whatever it is that you're describing, what are the chances, honestly, that you'll be able to obtain more or less objective information from him by confronting him? You can make him feel threatened, sure; but whether it will be conducive to meaningful communication, much less to communicating correct and more or less pbjective information, is highly questionable. Can you trust him with what he is telling you right now? Will you be able to trust him with what he tells you when you confront him? Or will it confuse you more, give you false hopes or break any hopes?
I would suggest that you stop hoping that at this point there's any way to obtain valid information from your H. Detach and God forbid, don't rely on any information from him to support you or your decisions. Don't run away, just detach lovingly (as NYSurvivor puts it). DOn't try to figure out what's "unfigurable". Detach, let go and make him the one who needs to make sense of all of this.
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
Hey FD - you definitely gave me something more to think about.
I don't want to confront my H in a nasty way. But, i would like him to know that his actions and words are very confusing to me. And i want to point that out to him. I want to ask him if the D is really what he wants, b/c he does and says a lot of things that make me question his commitment to D.
Nothing really new to report...H called me yesterday evening to make sure i got home from work okay. He wasn't feeling well, and neither was I. We chatted for a minute or 2, and then got off the phone. I called him later to see how he was feeling, but there was no answer at the house or on his cell. He called me this morning and we talked for a bit. He said he would call me later or tomorrow morning when he gets up so we can go to breakfast. That was about it.
I don't know whether to continue to have hope, or if i should just throw in the towel.
Hi. Sounds like we’re both frustrated. I know FD gave you opposing advice but I still stand by mine; your H. definitely has you coming & going, and it’s far too confusing for you. I think you need to find a way to talk with him about the situation as it stands, before anything like D. papers are signed. Like I said before, there is being amicable when proceeding w/D and then there is what your H. is doing, and I hate to see how it’s affecting you. I want very much for your marriage to survive but Imdi, I don’t think it will unless you stand up to him about his actions.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Okay - here is my opinion. Always have hope. That's what will keep you going. But, like you have said to me, gotta give up some control.
Don't you think that by asking him these questions is a bit like trying to take control? He is obviously confused. Let him be, his confusion - not your problem.
Besides - who knows if he will even tell you the truth so why ask? I bet the minute you ask him any question - you will already be thinking of his answer in your head.
Give it a break. Relax. Let him worry. I agree - detach, let go a little. Give yourself a break...
H and I went to breakfast this morning...had a really nice time...kind of like how things used to be. When he was dropping me off, I brought up the whole papers and everything. I asked him if it was what he really wanted and he said "who wants this? nobody wants this." I told him i wasn't trying to make him angry or upset, but that i had all these things i needed to say. He really didn't say too much, just that the things that i was saying made a lot of sense and that he would think about everything i was saying. I told him that i understood that he was hurt and i wasn't trying to minimize his feelings. And that i respected his decision to see a lawyer and file for D. I told him that it wasn't what i wanted, but that i was going along with it b/c there really were no other options. He said there are so many things that he missed about us...things that we have, but then he has these thoughts that he can't stop. I told him that forgiving was not the same as forgetting and forgiveness is for both of us. I told him i didn't expect things to go back to how they had been, but that we needed to start slowly and with a clean slate. I told him how confusing this all was, and he did admit that he was confused as well. I brought up to him that he really never uses the word divorce and its always something that "needs" to happen, as opposed to what he wants. There was other stuff that i said, but i don't really remember everything. It just makes no sense to me. Basically, he feels the only answer is D, even though he misses me, etc. I guess i feel like D is a drastic answer to trying to get the thoughts to stop. And i said that divorcing me wasn't going to make the pain and the thoughts go away.
Anyway, it was a nice morning. And, so often, i feel this incredible connection between us. I can't believe that he wants to give that up. I mean, to think about our conversations this week, and our interactions, i don't think anybody would believe that we were getting D. And i don't understand how you throw that away.
I said what i had to say. I spoke to an attorney on Friday, so i am not procrastinating. The attorney said it would be easy since we already had the separation agreement and that he didn't even have to meet with me. He told me to send him everything and we would just talk by phone. I let him know that I didn't want the D and that things in the papers weren't true. He said it really didn't matter. That filing on the basis of "extreme cruelty" was innocuous...it was just a reason and means nothing.
I just can't believe that it could be that easy. I mean, we planned our wedding for 2 years...how can a D just take a few months.
Good girl! You did great; you said everything I would have said, and you did it so that it wasn't confrontational either. Excellent, A+ work!
And he said he would be thinking about it, right?
Now, about what your lawyer said. This, "it means nothing" in regards to what the papers say; I don't like how he brushed that away. It means something TO YOU because it isn't true and it upsets you. Why can't this wording be changed? I would not just let it go at that just because the lawyer says so. Think about this: will that wording bother you if the D. goes through? Can you live with it, the way it reads now? If not, please call another lawyer and just ask them about the wording and if it could be changed. I don't want you to let this go because I KNOW it has bothered you since you read it.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I have to tell you I agree. How about inreconcialble differences. Where I am from that is the one most used. You dont want the D and now you are going to be forced to have a label you don't want? I say call another lawyer. Don't give in. If it is that little of a deal than it shouldn't be too difficult to change.
