Corri-- I know you're having your own issues, and (while I don't have anything really helpful to say) I do sympathize and and am hopeful that you will find your way. And I especially appreciate your trying to help me when you're feeling so down yourself. Really, use whatever energy/time you can muster on yourself. When you're feeling better (and you will) maybe you'll be able to help point me in the right direction.
That said -- and really -- you don't need to respond, if you're not up to it -- I kind of like the idea of tending the spiritual side of my life. Not sure how to go about it, though. I guess, if I get out of work early enough, I could go to services tonight. I was attending morning prayers for a while, and that did have a calming, uplifting effect on me (though I refused to actually go up on the stage to say the prayers -- makes me too uncomfortable). But I'm not sure that 's what you mean....
But as I said earlier, take care of yourself. You've already given me so much and I appreciate it more than I can say.
:talking to myself: Well, I've taken to heart (almost) Corri's thought that X just can't give me what I want (love, affection, attention, sex).
What's the next part of equation? Can I live with that? Of course I can. In fact, (barring the occasional feelings of pain and worthlessness and sadness) I do.
Do I want to? Well, I suppose, in theory, no. But in practice, things are a little different. I could kick X out, set up a child custody schedule, start dating (assuming I could meet someone). But would I really be any happier?
Learn to be an energy 'giver.' You do this by increasing personal awareness and inner spiritual development. More than likely you will not find this at churgh, though you could. Don't want to nix it.
Did you get and read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz? Very repretitive at first. You will scream in your head "Okay! I GET IT already!!" But stick with it.
I'm back....and the book still hasn't arrived, so I can't give you any feedback on that.
But part of the vacation was spent with my father, and being with him really opened my eyes to how little he cares about me. He didn't ask a single question about my work or my life and showed no interest in my S14.
Instead, my father talked about himself and his other "grandchildren" (my stepmother's grandchildren) and all the things that he does with them and how much time he spends with them. Oddly enough, he doesn't seem to have time to spend with my son.
I found myself getting incredibly angry. But I bit my tongue, because I knew it would be pointless to express my feelings.
I did point out that my brother and his wife could use some help with their new baby. But my father (with no sense of irony) said that he really didn't have time, since he needed to be available for my stepmother's grandchildren.
Anyway, I don't mean to whine tooo much about my father. But it definitely gives me insight into why I'm willing to accept so little from my X.
Long ago, one of my therapists asked me if I had ever felt smothered by my parents. I started laughing and I told her that I couldn't imagine what that would feel like. And I guess that, if I look back, I've always gravitated towards men who replicated the distant style of my parents. (Except, of course, for one guy, who drove me crazy with his emotional demands and always wanted to talk about the relationship)
Just babbling here. And I guess that recognizing a problem doesn't necessarily bring you any closer to solving it.
Quote: I've always gravitated towards men who replicated the distant style of my parents.
Mee, too. I think this insight does help... it helps you see the pattern.
Your dad sounds like my mother. Funny, but my late H and my bf were both smothered by their moms (my bf's mom is still at it!), and those two men attracted me... what to make of that...
Quote: Your dad sounds like my mother. Funny, but my late H and my bf were both smothered by their moms (my bf's mom is still at it!), and those two men attracted me... what to make of that...
Interesting...because I would think that someone who grew up being smothered by their mother might want/expect something similar from a wife.
In X's case, his father left when X was very young and spent little time, energy or money on X and his brothers (though his father lavished attention on his new family with his new wife). And X's mother (who died many years ago) was extremely cold, completely unable to express any kind of affection.
Poor X. In comparison, my parents seem almost warm and loving.
A few comments that I found interesting, and just wondering about this, but when you say:
I found myself getting incredibly angry. But I bit my tongue, because I knew it would be pointless to express my feelings.
Anyway, I don't mean to whine tooo much about my father. But it definitely gives me insight into why I'm willing to accept so little from my X.
(Except, of course, for one guy, who drove me crazy with his emotional demands and always wanted to talk about the relationship)
Is there any correlation between these two statements? My first thought when you said you were getting angry with your father’s self centeredness was, why don’t you tell him how much it hurts you, rather than just feel like attacking him? But when you say you don’t want to “whine too much,” you sort of answered my question.
It sounds like you have a mindset that say you should accept your pain and sadness and just learn to live with it. Then the last statement really brought it into perspective. To me this says you want the emotional bonding, the compassion, the intimacy, but you are not comfortable when you get it, so you felt smothered. With that guy you pushed away what you say you really want. Kind of makes it hard for anyone to please you, doesn’t it? So like Corri says, you draw energy from others to please you, yet you keep them distant, all of which can be very consuming for the other person.
While you say you don’t want to “whine” about yourself, the fact is that you really do want to whine about yourself and you want others to make you feel better. You just don’t want to make yourself vulnerable by asking for it. So you make yourself dependent on others for setting your feeling of security. To me this all seems like a defensive structure you used to protect yourself from hurt. You learned to not want to want.
Of course I am just speculating about you, but does any of this seem to make sense. I am really trying to get my arms around this particular issue because I see exactly the same thing in my sitch.
Your dad sounds like my mother. Funny, but my late H and my bf were both smothered by their moms (my bf's mom is still at it!), and those two men attracted me... what to make of that...
Interesting...because I would think that someone who grew up being smothered by their mother might want/expect something similar from a wife.
Well, I probably did/do smother them, but not in the same way their moms did/do. I have been overly involved in their lives, as it put it in another thread, "doing their work instead of my own." Both men have been very high maintenance, my late H with many health issues, and my bf with money/alcohol/other issues. So in a way, their sitches dragged me into them and I'm forced to "smother." With my H, I really had no choice (at least at the conscious level) because he literally had many life-threatening issues. But with my bf, I've become much more differentiated, and when his stuff needs work, I resist interfering. Not all the time, but most of the time. Even so, I dragged him to a R workshop, and insisted that he go into therapy. But I stay out of his finances, his housekeeping, and when he was drinking (mercifully he quit two years ago), I went to alanon. It's been a real path of growth for me to hold myself back from "smothering."
What cobra said makes sense to me for myself. I do tend to have a push-pull style of relating. I want the guy around, until he's actually there, then I want to withdraw. Back and forth, back and forth. I don't want to be vulnerable, mainly because my bf can be unkind when he smells vulnerability. If you have time, read the article on heather's thread ("Am I creating an SSM?") on The Stockholm Syndrome. It talks about how we get bonded to people who are unkind and even abusive.
) so it may be a couple of weeks before I get back to you.
I think this insight does help... it helps you see the pattern.