I used to venture here a lot, reading mostly, contributing and telling my story. I learnt a lot and continue to. That is probably the most important thing I learnt, once you make the move to improve, do things right, be a better person - you may just save your marriage as a bonus (ummm I didn't). I can assure you this very day I continue to learn...
My exW hit me with the bomb in Dec 03! The next 8 months were crucial, and several times she nearly came back. The next 6 months she was in another relationship which she eventually told me about, and then I went all stops to save my marriage, and came close but let emotions and my actions destroy my chance then. Trust me when I say there was so much that went on that I cannot write about it all, but will include some important bits. Me now 37, she now 29, no kids. D final Sep 05. Together 10 years, married 5.
So why am I here right now? I haven't visited this site in 7 months. The last time I did I gave my ex the links for her to read. I would say it 'may' have been a mistake, for a lot of what I wrote was assumptions about her and I don't know if she would have realised I was here trying to save our marriage. It probably pissed her off that then I hadn't moved on. For me, I made a move to cut off all communication, the property settlement got nasty (that really was her fault and I really tried to be cool throughout all that), it was unrelenting and I just divorced her. Back to why am I here?
If someone were to ask 'would I take her back' I would tell them probably not. In reality yes I would. The reason I say that is something I learnt a long time ago, are my friends and family. They just wanted 'me' to be happy, and for them that meant getting rid of the cause of my pain, instead of fixing the cause! I think Michelle refers to it as the 'well-meaning friends and family'. My ex even caught on early, saying every time I did something stupid it was after I had spoken to my best friend, which was true. The funny thing is, some of them have said completely out of the blue that they wished my ex and I were still together! After a year or more of telling me to move on!!!
So here in lies another.... why am I here. Because deep down I love my ex. It's not a problem, its a fact of life. There's nothing I can do about it. I have tried to remove her from my mind recently but she is always there. I might meet someone and actually do forget about her for a while, but she always seems to come back into my mind. I dated a psychologist (who's into astrology as well) for 2 weeks and after 3 days she said to me 'your ex is your soul mate and that will never change'. Hello? Where did that come from?? So yes I do love her. Not possessive love...just love.
Mistakes. We both made plenty and I made the worst. Way back I tried the quick and easy path and it was stupid!! (ideas taken from ebooks etc) The biggest ones were trying to make her jealous with the thought that she would fight for me. All it did was make her think I didn't love her etc etc. Bad bad move. Such as, dating, female housemates (trust me I wanted help to pay the rent and someone to talk to - was never anything there), pretending to have a gf (don't ask - I went through a phase), lying (never ever lie!!!), taking down our photos, playing games (ie left condoms out to make her jealous - I never slept with anyone until 18 months 'after' the bomb!, plus other things), showing her I was moving on (ie putting accounts in just my name), .... ok I think you get the picture. The hardest thing about that first year was thinking straight - not being an 'alien'. Not being emotional. Very very hard but gets easier with time. One thing women look for, and maybe the savior to the rollercoaster, is someone else, 'because' they appear to be emotionally stable! And probably make them laugh etc etc. Remember when we first dated our spouse? That honeymoon period.... After the bomb I honestly think my ex was waiting for me to get to the emotionally stable part. So why fight with them when you have a chance to step back, take a good look at yourself and how you communicate with each other, and take the steps to
Speaking of stages. The bomb, and the stages we go through. I went through them all. I cannot remember off the top of my head what they are, but I went through the fight for my marriage, the anger, the rebellious side (ie going out heaps and meeting new people), the realisation it probably is over, and moving on. I'm at the moving on but how can I say I have when deep down I still love my ex? Isn't it just grand to be a human being lol. The funny thing is, in hindsight, is that my ex went through similar stages about a year prior to each of mine.
Does my ex .... does she anything anymore? Truth is she has not contacted me in around 8 months (except returning paperwork). When the settlement was finally over I sent my ex a letter. My current housemates (married couple - in truth the married couple have been the absolutely best housemates ever!) asked questions how I got to be by myself in my house, and I told them the quick story, and the girl is very insightful. She said my letter was me being 'ner ner look I'm doing great without you', which I guess it was. Was time to take another look at myself, get over the issues with my ex and did that, then wrote my ex a short letter with the final paperwork to close some accounts stating if she wanted a 'plutonic friendship' then I would like that. I would, even if it meant nothing else.
What does my ex think of me? Hard to know. I honestly believe she has phoned and hung up a few times recently. My roomy thinks she still loves me, but like I said, I don't have ESP! lol And I don't sit here and ponder things. I think of my ex everyday, not for long, but maybe recall something funny, remember something I did stupid, recall something and say to myself 'ohhh why did I do that when she did that, which back then demonstrated she actually did love me', and stuff like that. Hindsight.
I have dated, and had short relationships the longest being 3 months. Two of them I could have continued but don't know if I would have 'grown emotionally with them. In all the recent dating I have found I have never been happy with them except the longer ones, and even with the longer ones I discovered I wasn't growing emotionally! I mean, I was beginning to feel this wasn't right. My housemate believes its because deep down its that I love the ex. I'm not sure, but just knew they weren't for me.
Once upon a time, before the bomb, I actually thought maybe it wasn't right being with my ex. Afterward, with time, I realise it was just our lack of effective communication that contributed to resentment etc that made me feel that way. Afterward, having experienced all this, I have never found anyone that has come remotely close to my ex and what we had. She may have - I don't know - but maybe her rebound will last or maybe it won't. Maybe she thinks of me and maybe she doesn't. I know she didn't think of him as a rebound, but it was. I don't even know if they are together, actually don't know anything (which was another thing.... I loved her that much I wanted to know what she was doing, prying etc etc and that was wrong and a mistake. Part of the emotionally instability I guess.
I'm at a point in my life where I don't know what to do. I have decided to actively stop 'seeking' relationships because I'm just trying to fill a void. I have spent time alone and know I can do it. I would rather be alone than with someone who is wrong for me, and every women I have met while dating has really been wrong for me. I don’t have a problem meeting women. Most of them find an attraction to me. Stupid thing is my ex is the only woman that has ever 'got' me. I mean understood me, loved me and all my subtly nuances.
Well it was nice to write this down. Ended up writing about me a lot lol but maybe it will be of interest. The one thing I found in all this time is it hasn’t been greener over the hill. I have a life now and one that I still wish to improve. I get out occasionally, have fun, bought a jetski (best toy ever!), started to look after myself, and really must give up smoking! But the funny thing is, even though I pray (not as much now) I think when I am ready, maybe I am meant to then meet the person for me. Who? My ex? Someone new? I don’t know. I do know I helped to push away my ex and that was very very stupid.
You may have made mistakes- we all do- you did the best you could. Looking back it is easier to see what we could have done differently. Yet doing it all "perfectly" still might not have saved your M. I try to do what I can live with morally and don't do great DBing- wish I could do better. My D has started yet I will be able to live with myself knowing I did the best I could.
I often feel my H is my soul mate and worry that I won't ever be truly happy in a R again- but I don't know what is around the next corner and I'm trying to enjoy that mystery.
Finding happiness within ourselves first - the rest will come!
Oil man, I am going to work backwards. Quit smoking, only 25% smoke, so you are using it as a defense to keep people away. Question did she smoke too?
I am D now 2 yrs, she remarried 1 yr ago. I see her everyso often, at family functions. We have 3 kids.
And she acts like I don't exist. Hurts like hell. (Cathy can you explain this)
I decided I would treat the OM like my best friend. So I greet him like we long last friends. In fact last function him and talked for 10 mins. She did not speak to me at all. I normally say hi, but I was testing this time. I don't understand the ignoring part. I do know she keeps my occansion Ecard. I send one for birthday, mom day, and our anniv. I do not send anniv ecard, i send thinking of you ecard.
I am where you are, my dating has been not something I can put my heart in. I am 52, so I don't want kids. Most women below 47, have kids.
I was in a headed for marriage relationship and I started being controling. Killed it.
So I am taking a sabacical from dating.
I love my kids, and glad I had them. Unless you believe you and x want kids, move on. If she don't, then find a young divorcee, with a yound kid, and have more kids. She understands a good man. You have learn lessons that most men never know.
