I need help

[debra]

I have been on the BB for 4 years now. H and I recovered from his A in all areas but our sex life. Before I explain, I am certain he is "not getting is elsewhere" and is completely over the OW after months of counseling. Our marriage is great in all areas but this one. He is completely transparent and if I chose I have access to cell, email, whatever I need.

When he first returned home our sex life was sporadic to say the least. Counselor told me to give it time as he was recovering and had tremedous guilt to overcome. Then we decided he should quit his job (OW worked there) so that he could go back to college to earn his teaching credentials. This had been at the base of his unhappiness he needed to find a career that made him feel good about himself rather than continue in the same job that was making him miserable as it gave him no self worth. It was a struggle but we did it and he graduated this last December.

During his schooling he was not interested in sex. Said he had to focus on getting the classes done quickley as he was not contributing to our income and this made him feel bad especially after what had happened with A. After much battle with me telling him I needed an intimate relationship to help me heal from the A, he finally got thru to me and I backed way off in this area.

Then he had back surgery, which has prevented any physicial activity. I have been patient and understanding and no longer bring it up at all.

This past weekend our eldest son got married and the night of the wedding, he initiated. He couldnt make it work or finish if you will. He has had this problem with me since before he left me. Sometimes it worked sometimes it didnt and ofcourse the one time he tries, it does not work.

I have recently lost all the weight that I gained, am physically fit and have done everything I can think of to help but I am at a loss. I even went to the Dr. to see if it was me but she says I am normal. He seems to have lost some circumference. He will not ask the doctor.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Something I can use to create more friction? I have tried the lingerie, the initiating, etc. Any pressure I put on him sets us back.

I need a sex life and I want it with him.

Any ideas?

[Corri]

Debra:

Sometimes, mental "struggles" overcome the physical 'need,' if you will. Have you thouhgt about using Viagra, until he can regain his sense of self-worth?

His shame of not being able to keep it up is going to destroy any subesequent efforts. So.... this extra stimulant might help him until he can realign his sense of guilt with his performance for you.

Corri

[Stigmata]

debra-

Welcome. So, he graduated in Dec. Is he in a good place career -wise now? If not, that's going to be a big part of it still.

Speaking from exp., feeling like you're falling behind your own partner in bread-winning wipes out a guy's self-worth feelings pretty quick KWIS?

Sounds physiological possibly. He won't go? Tough. Go ahead and schedule a doc appt. for him anyway. Tell him tough cookies. And tell him if he cancels you'll be whacked with a cancel fee and will be very very angry. Have to fvor Viagra script. as it is.

An idea. Recovering from back, right? Not much physical activity? Why don't you give him a nice oil back massage to help the recovery etc. Then flip him over and work on aheam....well....ya know.....

Some warm oil and your hand might get things moving. Sheesh. I often wonder why [not you necessarily] so many OP think you have to have IC every single friggin time out.

-Stigmata-

PS. There are exercises he can do to increase circumference, but probably not a wise idea to hear this explanation from your W. Insecurity City! Plus he might wonder how the heck ya know that? Who the hell you been talkin' to??

[debra]

Thank you for your responses. Stigmata, to answer your questions, he is in a good place mentally after completing college and proving to himself he could do it. Now he is substituting and coaching baseball at the junior college. both pay him. He will do this until Sept. when he will go back to school for two more semesters to complete his credentialing. I have always made more money than he has so I really dont think the money is the issue, it is just that he feels he can only focus on one thing at a time. He says he cant concentrate on a sexual relationship with me and concentrate on school too. Do you understand this? I know he wants to get it all done so that he can get hired on as a full time teacher with his own classroom at the high school level.

Meanwhile I find this so hard. He says it would be no different no matter who he was with. I disagree on so many levels. First of all, no one else would allow him to do this and I dont think he would have taken the OW or any other new woman in his life for granted in that way, nor would they have allowed it. I feel he would have made the effort for them even if it was just to keep up apperances. With me he just takes for granted I will keep on putting my own needs aside and wait for him. What if all of this is accomplised and he still doesnt want a sex life with me? He also used my weight as an excuse, said he was not attracted to me. That excuse is also now gone. I have done everything he has asked.

Add to the above this change in his abilities to perform (he admitted he sometimes had the same problem with OW). I dont know how I could approach him about going to the dr. to get some chemical help or advise. How do I do this without making him feel less than? I also saw something online: a penis sleeve. Have you heard of that?

Any help you can give me would be appreciated. I dont want to hurt his feelings or give up.

[Stigmata]

/"...it is just that he feels he can only focus on one thing at a time. He says he cant concentrate on a sexual relationship with me and concentrate on school too. Do you understand this?"

-- No. I don't.

Apples and oranges. Or maybe hot dogs and doughnuts?

You are not schoolwork for crying out loud. And I know you know that. He's being logical linear-thinking man. Stuffing his desire and "go with the flow" fun side. Sex does not require same "concentration." Jeez. He's way feeling pressure from you right now and is hyperdefensive so maybe we can try another tactic. Lots of folks on this BB will offer good tips 2

"Meanwhile I find this so hard. He says it would be no different no matter who he was with. I disagree on so many levels. First of all, no one else would allow him to do this and I dont think he would have taken the OW or any other new woman in his life for granted in that way, nor would they have allowed it. I feel he would have made the effort for them even if it was just to keep up apperances. With me he just takes for granted I will keep on putting my own needs aside and wait for him."

-- This is interesting. Do you see what's going on here? You are not addressing me. You are engaged in an dialogue with your inner voice. The answers, or a way to the answers, are all right here. Your voice is trying to tell you but your fear-based dominant enabling/supplicating day-today "you" is holding you back.

Here...this line...

First of all, no one else would allow him to do this and I dont think he would have taken the OW or any other new woman in his life for granted in that way, nor would they have allowed it.

-- And thats why he was, in part, attracted to OW. Sorry to say that. You are voluntarily subjugating yourself to OW/all other Fs. Giving your control/power away to nobodies. Don't do this. Take your power back from these other women, both real and imaginary. Your voice is telling you to be like OW/others. Stand up for self. Don't put up with this so he will not take you for granted. Boundaries. Be the OW. Did you ever find out what made him go for her? Might be some clues as to his attraction triggers there.

What if all of this is accomplised and he still doesnt want a sex life with me? He also used my weight as an excuse, said he was not attracted to me. That excuse is also now gone. I have done everything he has asked.

--First line. No need to worry about future negative outcomes. Tell yourself he WILL want a sex life with you through your positive-thinking proactive self-assured, vivacious woman belief in yourself. Look at Chromosphere's self-esteem tips/thread. First line is fear. No Fear. The what if worst outcome is you D and go your separate ways. There. Done. I've accepted this as a potentiality. Over. Once you understand that and know you won't die from it you can work backwards from there and try to make sure it doesn't reach that point.

Second and third lines. He is throwing spaghetti noodles against the wall to see what sticks. Excuses. Remember, it's not you, it's him. Truly. Further down the road he would say it's because you don't ride on a unicycle through flaming hoops. You'd work your butt off to do that and you'd be in the same place.

(he admitted he sometimes had the same problem with OW). I dont know how I could approach him about going to the dr. to get some chemical help or advise. How do I do this without making him feel less than? I also saw something online: a penis sleeve. Have you heard of that?

-- Tell him you made an appt. (guys hate making doc appts. don't ya know) so he didn't have to worry about it. After all, he needs so much time and attention on "concentrating" on studies and not your R. Don't want to jostle him out of his one-track coma.

If he balks? Well, tell him his "problem" could be an indicator of a prostate situation. Does he really want to chance that? Just get in there. Talk to the doc. Nothing to be ashamed about. Then he knows and never has to wonder about it ever again. Peace of mind goes long ways. It really would mean a lot to you as well.

Penis sleeve. Yes, may work for some. But this is only for an M who is fully prepared to have a fulfilling sex life and wants to do everything in his power to have one.

Gotta work on your H's big brain before we work on his little one. KWIS?

-Stigmata-

[debra]

Thanks again Stigmata for helping me out with this. I will do my best to respond to what you have written.

I agree his schooling and our sex life are too different issues and that sex should not be so much work for him.
I do want to clarify that I have not brought this up with him or put any pressure of any sort on him for months and months now. This only came to the surface for me again when he initiated last Sat. night. I have made sure to not pressure him for quite a long while now.

He became attracted to the OW during a time when he was very unhappy. He did not know why he was so unhappy but before he could try and figure it out on his own she started noticing and "helping him" to understand that it must all be related to his marriage and family responsibilties. He says now that he would have done anything to make the pain go away and she offered an out he thought at the time to be reasonable. It was easier to blame me and take her up on her offer than to find out why he was really feeling so bad. She was lonely and desperate (his words) and had been disiplined at work for going after married men, it was her thing. He now sees he was just a way for her to pay her mortgage. I on the other hand was pretty much scrambling to figure out what was wrong with him and decided to work a ton of overtime to pay for H to follow our son around the country while he played college and minor league baseball. I thought he was upset cause our sons were older and no longer needed him as much and did what I could financially so he could stay connected. Was I wrong!!!!!!! She was also thin and I was not and she ignored her son for his sake while I was still a mom. i am no longer overweight and our kids are both out of the house, so both of those issues are resolved.

How do I establish boundaries and let him know I wont put up with this without making demands and hurting his feelings or applying pressure?

I wont focus on the future. You are right, it will be what it will be. I know I can make it on my own and that I am looking and feeling better than I ever have, including teenage years.

He did go to the doctor a couple of years back to have his testostorone levels checked and they were normal. I could set him up for a physical/prostate exam however, he is overdue.

[kml]

Make sure they check:
- testosterone (again)
- prolactin level (elevated prolactin, often due to a tiny benign pituitary growth, can cause loss of libido)
- fasting blood sugar (diabetes can cause this)
- cholesterol (atherosclerosis can cause this)

Of course, depression can also cause a loss of libido (and unfortunately, so can the drugs to treat it).

I have a theory that, in some WASs, the start of the loss of libido played a factor in the affair. When your sexual function is flagging, you may still be able to "get it up" for someone new or exciting or kinky (which may explain some weird choices MLCers make) because of the increased arousal, so they begin to think the problem is they're "not in love with you".

Stress to your H that this can be a warning sign of some dangerous medical conditions and you don't want him to drop dead of a heart attack.

Ellie