Hi all, I haven’t posted in a while because things HAD been going so well. Theres a link to a couple of my threads below. My W wanted a divorce in August and with the help of Michelle’s book and a couple of others plus you all here I was able to save my marriage, at least for the time being. Lately shes talked about needing space again. Ive been trying to go out with friends and stay away like I did a bit this weekend but its hard with three young children to stay away. I was gone Sat. night and went to the gym and to a friends on Sunday till about 2:00. When I got home she was happy to see me and I ended up playing with the kids until dark in the yard while she hung out and watched then made dinner. At dinner she wanted me and her to sit together, normally we don’t, we instead sit between the kids to help them with there dinner. Then in bed we talked and watch some TV like every night. I rolled over to go to sleep and she started rubbing my back and said she had anxiety/panic attacks all day when I was gone and told me “I guess that’s a good thing”, I told her I think of her and the kids always when im not at home. She says shes got things from our past she just cant let go of and doesn’t know if she can love me the way I deserved to be loved. She also thinks im a great father and husband as I ALLWAYS put her and the kids first, witch im sure is why she just cant justify leaving me as are life really is great together. Im very religious and believe in unconditional love towards my wife and children and at this point shes saying shes not a Christian anymore if god would rather her be trapped in a marriage that be happy. Deep down inside she knows she wouldn’t be happy without me and neither would the kids, and she also has no real reason to end it either witch must be VERY frustrating and make her feel even more trapped. She says she loves me and is attracted to me and constantly talks about our future together but also says she has a lot of resentment towards me that she doesn’t know if she can get over. My W is not mentally stable and never has been, she really does create her own reality most of the time but when she lives in our reality she is happy. Any advice? I thought we were good but then bam she started ?ing things again out of the blue. She tells me she loves me all the time, last night she woke me up to ML then this morning she seemed pretty distant and just hopped in the bath while I got the kids ready for school and never came out before I left. Im not sure what to do? Should I give her space by going to the gym and hanging out with friends more? Mabey start sleeping on the couch a bit? Change thing up in our routine to make her realize how much she love the simple life we have? She always says she loves our simple little life and how lucky we our, maybe its time to show her something a little different? Im thinking shes wanting out at this point but just cant justify it and its really eating her up inside cause she knows what the right thing to do is? Oh and she asked the other day if id go back to councelling with her and I said sure. Please, any advice you could give would be great.
What are the specific things that she keeps referring to that she can't let go of, is resentful about?
I'd continue with giving her space, not getting hyped up about deep R talks, listening to her wholeheartedly, etc, but I'd also try to learn more about what it is that she thinks is a blocker for her...and then start to figure out how to work on those behaviors.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, I neglected my W for along time and really came up short in meeting her needs at times. She also says I talked down to her, but in counceling shes been unable to give any specifics and no one else but her father sees it or can say I have. She also can give no specifics on her resentments towards me, just little things that would mean nothing to someone not looking for things to be angry about. Some of us think shes been unhappy for so long (most her life) that she's finding reasons to stay that way, and allways the victom she continues to blame everyone but herself. Her family turned there back on her and even some of her friends told her she was making a huge mistake ending our marriage back in August when she wanted a divorce. It caused alot of problems the relationship between her andher mother, and it was allready strianed and allways has been, but she likes to blame it on my because her mom and I are so close. My W has alot of imotional issues and holds grudges against anyone who dissagrees or goes against her in anyway, she has allways lived in the past bringing up things from many years ago that have no relavance in her/our lives today. Ive never touched my w, called her names or cursed her in any way, just didnt show her the love and effection she deserved and needed at times. We never fight now and everyone close to us thinks we've just got everything going for our family, and we do. The addoption on two of our children was final in June and we've talked about starting to do foster care again, matter a fact we talked about it with freinds and family at my daughters b-day party last Sunday. We've also been talking about selling our house and buying down to pay off all our dept so my W can stay home full time again and stop working, she only works part time now but she does much better and so do the kids when shes home. She actualy brought home a couple of home for sale flyers last night to show me and asked if theres anyway we could sell now to buy one of them cause she liked it so much. I never intitiate R talks and i'll try to give her space if she'll let me. Funny thing, a couple of months ago sitting in the living room together she said "we really are on the road to recovery, to making are marriage better arent we"? I said I hope so cause I love you and she said the same back. Thank you for taking time to reply, it means alot to me as this last 8 months has been such a roller coaster. I'll never give up on us and no matter what she says or does i'll continue to treat her the only way I know how, with unconditional love.
Regardless of whether or not you or anyone else (w's family for instance) feels as though her resentments are justified, there is absolutely no harm in addressing them, right? You say they are little things? GREAT. That should make them very easy for you to fix.
I'd do a few things if I were you...
1. I would make a list of your w's grievances if you know them (and if you don't I would casually ask her about them or start really paying attention to her reponses to you).
Then I would make a list of activities that you currently do that reinforce her issues.
Then, it is quite straightforward to identify ways to turn those around.
Example: h thinks I do not show enough enthusiasm when returning home from work
* I check the mail before greeting him
* I tend to be lowkey in greeting him
* I have trouble disengaging from work
Etc.
2. If you haven't read "The Five Love Languages" and "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", definitely do so.
3. I would think about expanding your "beginner's mind" regarding your w's "emotional issues". What would happen if you stopped viewing her this way? Look through you post and see how many definite opinions you have about your w. What if you let go of those?
Sage Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, in regards to the problems being easy to fix, it does seem they would be but my W just has the hardest time letting go of things espessilly things shes hurt over. I would do anything to work through these issues with her and fix them as thats all that is keeping us from happiness at this point. I cant even begin to tell you what her resentments are with me and neither could she. We go to the same therapist together and on our own and shes (the therapist) told me that shes not been able to get anything out of my W thats substantial either, but that at the very least she has serious emotional issues from her child hood to deal with. I continue to view my W as a good mother and good person with no real mental illness or serious issues, but im constantly reminded by everyone else im not dealing with someone whos reality is the same as everyone elses and its becoming harder for me to ignore. I cant tell you how many people keep telling me to move on, that id be better off including her own mother. Last thing I want to do is blame our problems on my wifes imotional issues but the reality is that has alot to do with it, espesially her coping skills as shed rather run from her problems than deal with them.
Somthing I really need to say as well, not sure its anything and I could just be reading into stuff but.... Shes also lost a quite a bit of wieght in the last couple of weeks, but she eats well and even has cheese cake and chocolates in bed at night. Shes become good freinds with a couple of the younger girls at work and I know she did coke with them at least once. She has an addictive personality and has had problems in the past, im really affraid with the radical mood/personality changes back and forth and the wieght loss while still eating she may be doing something like this. God knows if she is she wouldnt let me know or admit to it. I will say in regards to a beginners mind, ive done nothing but been supportive of my W's issues and valadated all of her feelings while we've been going through all this, and she's confided in me about everything that bothers her be it mom issue, friends, work of something thats botherd her about me. Ive told her I just want her to be happy and id do anything for her to make it happen. She knows she can count on me to be there for her and the kids and under no cercomstance with the exception of adultry would I leave her. I have read the Five Love Languages and Five Love Languages for Children as well. Both books are sittin on the nightstand in our room. The other day (sat.) when we had a big discussion on her being unhappy and feeling traped I ask if shed red the whole Five Love Languages book, she said she had and I told her mabye she should read it again. I got home from going out that night and the book was on the bed so she had been reading it when I was gone, I think thats a good thing. She just called me here at work to tell me I forgot my wallet at home and she sounded real good. She asked if I was tired and if I was haveing a good day then said shed see me tonight.
Well I have no idea what to think. Yesterday she called me at least 4 times and sounded real good and happy to talk to me, but it kinda seemed like she was checking up on me and using real lame reasons to call. She did this alot (used lame exuses to call me) shortly after I started my 180 and started getting a life in the beginning of our situation. She had a real bad migrane last night and this morning witch is something she suffers from regularly. I told her how buitiful she was and she said she didnt feel buitiful that she felt old, run down and exhausted, probley due to stress/anxiety over her feelings but I dont know. This morning she was in the bathroom and from the hallway I said by to her and have a nice day like I do every morning and she came out and gave me a kiss goodbye, she usually does this but hasnt the last couple of days. Thing is she sorta smiled/grinned at me in a wierd way after kissing me and almost looked sad or emotional, like mabye an im sorry for being such a mess and starting all this up again or an im sorry I dont want to be with you any more and just dont want to hurt you look, just not sure witch one it was. I also think she was having a hard week last week and questioning thing a bit and said some thing in our conversations last weekend that mabye she didnt mean or regrets saying? For sure she is completely confused and doesnt know what she really wants from what I can see. One minute shes telling me she wants space and telling my best friend the same thing on Sat. and the next shes trying to keep me from going our Sat. night and keep me from going to church and the gym on sunday. Then sunday night whe have a real nice family dinner and shes rubbing my back in bed telling me she had panic/anxiety attact with me not being home most of the day. Dang am I confused and I could really use some advice on what to do. I know i'll start giving her more space and no R talks but what else? Her best friend and her kids will be in town this weekend. I ask her last night if she was going to our cabin (only 30 min. from here) to get away and hang out with her and the kids, she said she was and said I could come if I want. I declined and said she should probley spend time with her freind as they dont see each other much. Then she reminded me that next weekend she'll be going out of town with her mom (kids will stay here with me) so thats two weekend in a row we wont see each other, I said thats ok just enjoy your time with mom and freind. Any input would be helpfull, thanks!!!
