Not much new to report in my sitch. The weekend was, overall, pretty good, with the exception of Saturday night when things started to get out of hand a little bit. But other than that….
Friday, was about as uneventful as life can get. Shortly after I got home from work, I could see that my W was very tired. At 8:30 she went to lay down for about an hour, turns out she didn’t wake up until 9 am the next day!
On Saturday, we had promised the girls that we would do something fun, so on a family vote, we decided that Chuck E. Cheese’s was the place to be (ok, I have to say, not one of my favorite places to be!) The afternoon was good, the girls had a wonderful time and we called it a day. If things would have ended there, life would be grand, but of course there’s always more.
Saturday night, my W basically accuses me again of trying to “win the girls over.” Now, I’ve said it before, but this statement REALLY bothers me. Just because I’m nurturing a better relationship with my girls should mean that I am a bad person. I really feel that over the years, I had been too focused on doing what’s right for the family instead of having a better relationship with my girls. Not that we ever had a bad one, but still…. Also, considering that I’ve tapped into the patience reserved with regard to my sitch, I find myself being much more patient with the girls. Definitely a plus. In any event, this statement really just irks me and so we begin to argue. Fortunately, I don’t get in depth with arguments anymore because I know they just lead to nothing good, but her statements were really acidic. I recognize that much of this comes from her own guilt, but still…..
In any event, I retreat to the living room and watch tv while she sits in the kitchen doing Word Finds. Saturday night ends without anymore real drama.
Sunday morning, I roll over and give W a back rub. We had plans to just sit around a veg all day, watch a movie, etc. We’re sitting on the couch and I start a show. She asks me to pause it and proceeds to tell me that she loves me, she knows this is where she belongs, that this is her life, etc. A reassuring talk, but just words nonetheless. I tell her that I understand and that I’m glad to hear it, etc. She also mentions that she knows that there is more out there (in other words, excitement of being “single”, etc.), but this is her life. Okay, I get that. We all have been at a place where we wonder what it would be like to be single again. As it turns out, Sunday was a good day. We were both light hearted and got along very well.
I was off work yesterday, so basically I watched W sleep and got caught up on my TV viewing. A couple of things she said yesterday: “this is boring, we need more excitement in our life” “I need to do something to get motivated, all I do is sit around anymore…..maybe I need to pick a room and start painting or something” “I’m not going to win Mommy of the year award this year” Now, for some of us that don’t live in warmer climates, the winter months have traditionally been bad months for my W. She is always more depressed and less motivated to do things once the holidays have passed. Her thing is that she likes to always have something to look forward to. So I can chalk some of her actions, statements up to this. But other things that I have noticed just have me generally concerned. I am still worried about her constant obsession with weight and appearance.
In any event, as you can see….not much is happening right now. This is pretty much same ole’ same ole’ in my book . I do know that I am starting to think differently regarding my needs and what it is I want. I just want to have a “normal” life right now and we are so far from it. On the surface, things appear okay, but life has been put on hold and it is starting to eat away at me. I long for an intimate relationship, importance, normalcy. I wonder if it will ever come my way in this current R……
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Quote: he asks me to pause it and proceeds to tell me that she loves me, she knows this is where she belongs, that this is her life, etc. A reassuring talk, but just words nonetheless. I tell her that I understand and that I’m glad to hear it, etc.
I think this is great, however, what was in that etc? I know if my W said that to me, I would make sure she knew it was safe to say, and that I returned the sentiment. I don't know if I am off the DB path with this, but I would think then was the time to lay foundation for the "normal" life you say you want. Also, if she said she needs more excitement in her life, what did you say to encourage that? Did you ask what she thinks would help in that area? What things she'd like to do, maybe that you've never done before? What I am saying is that she, both from those words, and the affair, is telling you that she wants more out of life then simply being "mom of the year". If your "normal" life consists of TV and "veging" on Sundays, do you think there is a conflict inherent in that? I think your W is trying to communicate things to you and I wonder if you are truly listening and making the effort to connect with her. It is a question, not a statement.
Friday, was about as uneventful as life can get...
Shortly after I got home from work, I could see that my W was very tired. At 8:30 she went to lay down for about an hour, turns out she didn't wake up until 9 am the next day!
Saturday night... I retreat to the living room and watch tv while she sits in the kitchen doing Word Finds.
Sunday morning... We had plans to just sit around a veg all day, watch a movie, etc... She also mentions that she knows that there is more out there...
I was off work yesterday, so basically I watched W sleep and got caught up on my TV viewing. A couple of things she said yesterday: "this is boring, we need more excitement in our life", "I need to do something to get motivated, all I do is sit around anymore", "maybe I need to pick a room and start painting or something"... Now, for some of us that don't live in warmer climates, the winter months have traditionally been bad months for my W. She is always more depressed and less motivated to do things once the holidays have passed. Her thing is that she likes to always have something to look forward to...
In any event, as you can see not much is happening right now. This is pretty much same ole' same ole' in my book . I do know that I am starting to think differently regarding my needs and what it is I want. I just want to have a "normal" life right now and we are so far from it.
Though it's true that winter months can have a depressing effect, your W is signaling loud and clear, all the same, that planned activities are high on the list of priorities. Even more so, to compensate for the depressing effects of wintertime! She's telling you that sitting around watching TV and doing not much else together is depressing. You, on the other hand, are more anxious about her concern for her appearance and your need for a 'normal' life. It appears you're both suffering from living like roommates.
Instead of focusing on other issues, or reasons why things can't be done, take a proactive approach and find things to do. Get yourselves out of the house. The best motivation kick-start technique is to do something, motivation follows, not the other way around.
Saturday night, my W basically accuses me again of trying to "win the girls over." Now, I've said it before, but this statement REALLY bothers me... In any event, this statement really just irks me and so we begin to argue.
Choose your battles more wisely. You saw wife's statement as a negative accusation, which in turn got your defenses to rise and an argument ensued. Reframe it all. Wife says "You're always trying to win the girls over" - and you smile and laugh (not contemptuously) instead and let it roll off you, seeing it not as an accusation, but as a perception of hers. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry it's being taken that way. I'm just trying to be a better dad."
I mean, what's a statement like hers really mean, anyway? That she feels, by comparison, that she's being made to feel as not being a good enough mommy (which was expressed in her saying the next day "I'm not going to win Mommy of the year award this year")? She's actually expressing feelings of low self-worth, perhaps? So, it's not really about accusing you of anything, it's more about how she's feeling about herself.
Armed now with this knowledge, what do you think can you do about that?
Plan more activities between the two of you. Do anything. Plan some with the children, and gently encourage her participation with the children, and praising her for it, so that she basks all around in the reward of feeling better about her being a "good mommy".
Thnaks for the comments GH. Yes, I agree, I hear what she is saying and I have asked at times what it is that she would like to do. I really get no specific answers and thus am left to wonder what it is that I can do. I understand that she wants more out of life than being mom of the year and I completely support her in this. What's funny is that both of us, over the past couple of years, have been actually doing more things outside the home than we ever did. Our girls are getting to an age that finding babbysitters is not that hard and we've been on several outings (football games, concerts, etc). These things were fun to her as well as to me.
I do suggest outings for us, but they never seem to come about. Sadly, I think the "excitement" she is alluding to has more to do with OM than it has to do with me. At the very least, she is a crossroads in her own life where she is questioning a lot about herself.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Quote: adly, I think the "excitement" she is alluding to has more to do with OM than it has to do with me.
Ok, so what did the OM and she do that was exciting other than just having an affair? It may be hard to think about but maybe there is something positive to be gained from it. As far as you asking her what she'd like to do, I think I put it wrong when I suggested you do that. NYS had it more right. I think you need to just DO things and not so much ask her what she wants to do. If your W is like mine, and we suspect they are long lost twins, then she really wants you to be more decisive and spontaneous with these things, not pay lip service and then have in never come to pass. This is the point where I think all the self focus needs to shift a bit. You and your W are entering a place where you both are exploring the marriage and seeing what it can offer. She is giving you heads up as to what SHE wants it to offer her, and you need to do the same. This seems to be the beginning of the rebuilding process and I think you should trust NOTHING that is a direct carryover from the old, dead marriage. Start fresh. Re-learn how to communicate. Keep reading. Keep growing, and encourage her, in a way she'll respond, to communicate with you...and then LISTEN to what she says without your filters on. Really hear her and repeat back to her what she says so she's clear you heard what she said. If you need clarification, ask. Again, the time for guessing and figuring things out should be a ways back for you. Now is the time to build bridges of honesty and eventually trust.
Thank you for your comments as well. As with the activities, I don't want to make it sound like sitting around vegging is something that I prefer to do....in fact, up until recently, the Sunday afternoon thing was rare. This also her time to catch up tv time and relax before starting the work week (she works nights). So I didn't want to give a wrong impression there. For the most part, it is just our default lazy day.
As for activities, you are absolutely correct. I have started taking a more proactive approach to planning outings and will continue to do so. We have a few things planned for the next several weeks that I'm really looking forward to and it does give her something to look forward to as well.
Quote: Choose your battles more wisely.
Ahhh, yes. Wise indeed. In hindsight, I see her statement for exactly what it was. Over the past several months, I have been working on dropping the defenses and really listening. For the most part, I have been doing much better....for some reason at that time and place, the statement really struck me as accusatory. Sure, if I could go back to Saturday night, I would take a totally different approach. I truly see these statements as examinations of herself and not statements as against me....sometimes the defenses go up. This is not the first time she's questioned her self-worth vis-a-vis the girls, and each time I take the time to point out that she is a wonderful mother and that she is doing a great job with them. Last night when she mentioned that she wasn't winning any awards, I pointed out some positive things she had done for the girls throughout the day.
In general, she has a feeling of very little self-worth at this point with regard to everything. She has questioned whether we even need her in our lives, she has apologized profusely for "slacking" in regard to housework, etc. Recognize that I do not ever accuse her of this and when she does say these things, I do not attempt to invalidate them, but rather point out that she is working very hard and that I do not mind doing a lot of the things I have been doing.
As with participation with the children, this is something that I have been "pushing" lately because I have sensed W's feelings with regard to it. When I'm playing with the girls, I try to make it a point for them to get mommy involved as well.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Again, very good comments and really seeing it in print has given me a different perspective. It seems to me that you're absolutely right and that a shift in focus is necessary here.
As for the excitemetn of OM, I guess I should be clear. Its not as though they've actually had outings or done things. In fact, from what I can gather, they've haven't really done anything. Of course, this is what I've been told and we know how that goes, but in all honesty, its not as though she has had a chunk of time to do anything. Its the excitement of the "possibility" that I think she's alludiing to. The possibiity to be spontaneous and do different things (okay, reading that sentence brings it all into perspective for me....)
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Sure, if I could go back to Saturday night, I would take a totally different approach. I truly see these statements as examinations of herself and not statements as against me....sometimes the defenses go up.
Many, many moons ago, I was on a job photographing a wedding and we got to the point in the day where we were at the restaurant, some really nice French place in NYC. I was tired from already running around working for about 5 hours, I was hungry, and they were going to feed the vendors, and, as usual, the musicians who had only come in a half hour earlier to set up had already gotten a whiff of food and were seated and being fed, like so many little piggies at their mother's nipples pushing this hungry little piggy out.
The chef came out and I lamented and complained about the circumstances. Then, he did something which struck me then and later influenced me deeply.
When I was done with voicing my hurt, he looked at me in silence for a moment, and said, "OK. You don't know me, I won't take this personally". I didn't really understand it at the time, but now I recognize that whatever I said to him, his initial inner reaction was to personalize my hurt as a complaint against him. Instead of a knee-jerk reaction to it by raising his defenses immediately or whatever, he had stopped to process it first and happened to verbalize his processing. What a good lesson that was.
Truthfully, this is one area of myself that I've been focusing on changing over the past several months. Rather than become defensive, i've been taking time to analyze the statements before reacting. Of course, as you see, it doesn't always happen that way, but for the most part, I've seen a change in myself with regard to this.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Yes, once again the ugly demon Rob has reared its head. Last night and this morning I told my W in no certain terms that I didn't feel that it was right, fair, etc for her to be telling me that she wants to try and work this out and that this is where she wants to be, while continuing to keep OM in her life. They still keep in contact and to me, or at least my "old" way of thinking, how can she be giving this a chance when she isn't dropping the rope on OM? This has bothered me, but on the other hand, I do understand that it may have something to do with insecurity, feelings, etc. Before anyone gets the 2x4 out, please know that I understand that I KNOW what I am doing is counterproductive, its just stopping the behavior before it happens.
Well, there it is. Time to pick up the pieces again and try to make the best of the sitch.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
