Pennies in the Fountain of Serenity

[Again!]

Hope
I am seeing more and more MLC in your thread. you seem to be taking a turn which I have not hit. My advise may be less and less relevant, but I will keep up.
I know that you get incredible support and advise here in this forum, but I truely encourage you to post some of this in your MLC thread. I suspect you will get some great insight.

[hopefloats7]

Shocked, I took your advice.

H. just called here; needed me to look for something that he has to come by and pick up tomorrow. He sounds absolutely MISERABLE. His voice is barely above a whisper, he sounds completely depressed and sad. I was tempted to ask him what was wrong but I didn't. I mean, that would really be a stupid question.
H. actually had some good news to share; he's getting an award at work, but he does not sound happy about it at ALL. I told him I was happy for him and proud of him, and he said thank you, but geesh, there is no joy in his voice tonight. The conversation wasn't bad; we weren't arguing or anything, but he is as low as low can be.

And I think back to hearing him talk to o.w. on the phone and he does not sound like that when he talks with her.

All this pain for both H. and me; how does it go away? I hate that both of us feel like this.

[hopefloats7]

Journaling today:
Not expecting to see H. today or talk with him, unless he makes contact. I am looking into something after work today; something for me. I’m trying to take the focus off H. again and put it back on myself even though it is so hard when he’s telling me that he’s ending things with o.w. and that he’s not ready to come back home “yet”.

It comes down to this logic: if he really wanted it to be over with me, wouldn’t it clearly be over? Wouldn’t he just go file and come get all his belongings and stop all contact with me? Instead, he tells me that “we need to take a break”, ala Ross/Rachel. That is very different than having your spouse say to you that he wants a divorce.

He doesn’t want to talk about mediating. He hasn’t brought it up and he’s had a lot of opportunity to do so. He isn’t living with o.w. or anyone. I suppose these are positives that I should be grateful for.

[hopefloats7]

Yesterday when I got home from work, I noticed H. had stopped by to pick up what he needed. Something else that I noticed: he cooked for himself at our house and made lunch. He left things out in the kitchen so it was obvious to me that he’d helped himself to eat there. This is not typical behavior from him and I don’t know if it means anything; is he beginning to feel more comfortable at our house?

H. did not call me yesterday, and I did not see him when he stopped by, as I was at work. Maybe he’s withdrawing again. I have reservations about believing he fully broke up with o.w. and I’m asking myself why he would try so hard to convince me it was over with her if it really isn’t? It’s not like I don’t know he’s been seeing her all this time. A part of me thinks he is being honest about it not working out with her, but I know he is still in contact with her, so that doesn’t constitute “being over” in my book.

Meanwhile, I am working more on GAL. I went tanning yesterday; it was fun. I’m doing a lot of research into getting my Master’s degree. I may do it partially online, so that if this doesn’t work out w/H. it will be easy for me to continue school when I move. And I think it would be wise for me to still fill out the apt. application for a place near my family. I don’t want to be unprepared.

I have received so many supportive posts here and I know others see hope in my situation, despite how bleak it has looked at times. I admit that it is very hard for me to feel hopeful when I still have so many doubts about what H. is doing and thinking. I think my problem is that I feel strong enough to physically get on with my life, but emotionally I am still in limbo.

[IWB]

Hope, can I ask you a stupid question? Just wondering if you have kids, or ever had them, or discussed it? I know I might be bringing up a difficult subject, but this strikes similar to something in my sitch. I know I made a comment before to your sitch, and you never replied, but I am really trying to offer something that might give you a clearer understanding. I guess we are all looking for answers.

[hellkat]

hey hope ~ im just now catching up w/your sitch again. I dont know if I'd say your H is withdrawing or not. On one hand he's not one to maintain 'daily' contact, yet he lets you know he's still around daily by leaving little reminders, such as leaving things out as he makes lunch and having you come home to find him sleeping on the couch. That's enough to make anyone feel in limbo.

I dont know why they try to 'convince' us that things arent what they seem where OW are concerned - maybe it's to keep us dangling a bit......what am I saying of course it is......but I do agree, continued contact proves it's not over, even if it is on an emotional level and not sexual or R related. For me that's the hardest part, it seems they go out of their way to 'break' things off so carefully w/OP yet seem to have no regards for our feelings what so ever.

And I do agree w/you that she is being manipulative by using her D.........what a role model of a mother

[hopefloats7]

IWB,

Hi. To answer your question, we do not have children, H & I. He was never really overly interested in having children. I mean, let's just say that if it happened, we would have been happy, but if not, we were ok, too.
H. never really seemed all that comfortable around kids before; to see him so attached to o.w.'s child is a great shock to me and a 180 for him. Since his affair, he has now told me that he does want his OWN kids, but he doesn't want to get involved with someone who has children already because if the R. doesn't work out, it makes things very complicated.
If you have any insight, please feel free to share it!

[hopefloats7]

Hellcat,

I feel the same way you do: H said she was “unwanted company” on Sunday but he didn’t want to be rude to her. What? He has no problem being all kinds of rude to me.

It frustrates me that H. is blind to see what o.w. is doing in regards to her child. If he would just stop and think about it for a moment…what kind of woman (who’s not even divorced herself) would allow her child to call another man “daddy” when she hasn’t even met his family yet? H. says they mutually agreed not to continue their R. but I don’t believe that. She doesn’t want it to be over. If he really does, then he’s worried about hurting her now, after admitting to me that he used his R. with her to get him through a difficult period in his life. Maybe there is more guilt to be had by H. because he used o.w.

[IWB]

We never had boys, and W's OM has a boy in her class. She seems more attached to this child than she does OM. I have also noticed heightened reactions when she sees commercials of little boys on TV, and greater interest in families of predominantly boys. I know she wanted a boy with the last child, but I thought she was OK with the girl. Unfortunately she had some complications, and we never had any more. I think she regrets that, and not having a boy.

I just wonder if your H has regrets about children that have not manifested themselves until now. There are some ways to volunteer in organization that help children without having children, and this may satisfy a paternal instinct.

Just some thoughts.

[hellkat]

If he would just stop and think about it for a moment…what kind of woman (who’s not even divorced herself) would allow her child to call another man “daddy” when she hasn’t even met his family yet?

I dont think they stop to think at all, either one of them as a matter of fact - at least not about consequenses thats the problem.

I wish you luck and will check back in