Not sure if my great distancing precipitated this, but my wife made it very clear that she needs to move forward with this and now. Her lawyer appt is scheduled for a week from Monday, but I noticed that she took off her rings (not something she has done before) and asked when she did it and whether it meant anything. Tuesday and Yes.
I did get some hugs last night but there is a qualitative difference, its like hugging a stranger, I don't know how to explain it.
I'm really trying to keep up the getting out of her way, and not doing anything to be percieved as trying to stop her. I'm pretty much paralyzed with a sense of not being able to do anything right now. If I were stronger, I think I should have just cooly listened to her pronouncements (believe me I tried) but I just haven't achieved that for myself yet.
I honestly want to believe I would still keep up the positive friendly non-confrontational attitude if I knew that there was no hope at all, but it almost feels as if I am just making this easier for her by hiding my hurt.
I finally broke down and told my department chair what is up today with the goal of getting a delay in my upcoming tenure review. While sympathetic, he thought that it may hurt me more to try to put things off.
Take the day off today...I think it might help you. Go for a long drive. Clear your head, put on some good music--this sounds silly when it seems that everything is crashing down, but you HAVE to get a hold right now. Take this weekend to focus on getting back and letting go.
You sound like a terrific person--remember, you have much to offer your work, friends and kids. What your W thinks of you and treats you is NOT what you are. You deserve better, so give it to yourself.
At the urging of my boss, I contacted a lawyer to start to prepare myself for whatever legal stuff comes down the pipe from wifes 3/6 appt.
Last night she seemed concerned about this stuff and asked, "Well, what do they do when one person want's the other to leave and he doesn't?" I assured her that I wasn't going to try to fight her on anything I was just waiting to see what she did.
I hate that this has become a legal thing, I guess my wife feels like she needs advocacy in the separation, but it just feels like a snowball, the more people she tells and gets involved, the harder it is for her to step back and think about things.
I'm really just going to have to roll with this one as best I can.
I sent her a message telling her about my appt and emphasizing that I scheduled it so that we could act as quickly as possible on her plans. She called to check in on how I was doing and I just about lost it, but ended the conversation with, "I don't need anything and I'll be o.k.".
This is a very important day as I am interviewing applicants to our graduate program all day and have a reception this evening. I had always complained that my wife turned up the heat on me at the worst possible times, and I'm living this right now. I'm starting to think that, a some level, she really is trying to hurt me, or get me back, or whatever. I just don't know anymore.
I shared the status of my marriage with two colleagues who then encouraged me to seek an extension on coming up for tenure till next year as the slip in my performance coinciding with my R troubles would likely put me at a real risk of not getting promoted (which is kind of like getting fired in academia). Whats interesting, is that even though I sought out professional advice (e.g. whether to petition for an extension of the tenure clock) they were both much more excited about giving me counsel on my marriage. I guess its nice to have them care.
Honestly, I'm just looking for some sliver of stability to hang on to in my life. Right now I'm looking at the dissolution of my marriage and family in a strange city that I moved to expressly for this academic job which is now hanging in limbo. I feel like we are now stuck here, because any geographic relocation would have to be a mediated decision. I no longer have the luxury of moving to the best job I can find. I guess I could always relocate to her hometown, a big city with greater opportunities, but I have certainly lost many degrees of flexibility with our plans to separate and my family would just about croak if they thought I was going to move there for her sake.
I guess I just need to sit back and watch this happen, but I simply don't know what I'm watching. If I were a stronger person, I would use this as an opportunity to recommit to my job and career, but frankly I'm just plain tired right now.
This is without question the hardest thing I have ever done, and I'm having trouble mustering any optimism when the separation seems to close so many doors for me an my family.
I think my thread has gone pretty dry, but I'll just keep on journaling.
Just got back from my reception which I checked out on early. Its funny, I can put on a really good face, joking around etc. for brief periods of time, but it is exhausting. I guess my sulking muscles are better developed.
I cam home after work today and just lost it reargding the feedback I recieved about not getting tenure. I think that either of these two stressors, my marriage failing or recognizing that I've flunked out of academia would put me over the top. Together, they feel like more than I can handle.
I don't care how counterproductive this is, but I really need my wife right now and while she is happy to pitty me, it's clear that she has moved on, and talks about this as my problem. She's out with friends tonight and I've relieved the baby sitter and am hanging with the kids.
I need to figure out what I am grateful for right now. I'm still with my kids, I have a job for the foreseeable future even if my status there is compromised, and if we sell the house, we probably have enough $$ to carry us for awhile.
I think my big fear right now is that my training is so specialized that I can't just find a job anywhere. It's like I'm going to need to start over on so many levels.
I know this thread has become a treatise on feeling sorry for myself, but really I'm just venting. I hope I can re-read this sometime in the future and see how far I've come.
john, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Many here have had numerous days just like you're having, in fact, I had about 2 years of them. While I'd love to have wonderful encouraging words for you, I can only say that tomorrow is a new day, and many times things will look better in a new light. For tonight, enjoy your kids, they grow up so fast, take tonight and create a wonderful memory with your kids. You'll be happy you did.
For your job sitch, I truly understand how concerning this can be. Try and stay positive, keep an open mind. I'm sure you've heard this, when one door closes another one opens.
Take care of yourself, keep coming here just to pour out your thoughts, get them out so you don't bust trying to hold it all in. We do care.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
and also more recently in the MLC forum as I've come to see the ways in which my wife is truly on her own journey and that I really am just a spectator here.
We've had so many false starts, so many conversations, and it seems that no matter how much responsibility I shoulder, or how much I pull of a PMA etc., or how much I create the family life she had asked for, my wife is really, really, committed to ending our marriage.
She is finally going to visit the lawyer tomorrow, and I am just trying to roll with it. What's weird is that she only wants us to be apart as a family maybe 2 days a week (one where she is "off" and one where I am "off") and wants to spend the rest of the time all together. At the same time, she really wants to establish physically separate residences (which is a prerequisite to a divorce in our state) and to create a living situation which she feels is her own.
I know this is disturbingly common on this board, but it is like everything about our relationship works for her except the marriage and sex part. I think I really kind of missed the mark lately in giving her space because I remained physically affectionate to her. This was one of the big things she felt was lacking in our marriage and I guess that once I learned how to do it right after the first bomb, I just couldn't turn it off. She has recently disclosed that this closeness brought on a great deal of guilt for her, and was reminicient of her always giving in to my needs in the marriage over the years. I really should have known better, but she honestly seemed to enjoy it, and so did I.
You know, I've read so many posts here that I really should be able to answer my own questions, but I am still struggling every day to be the best person I can be. I feel really beat up right now because my wife is so fixated on all the ways I've let her down, even after I discovered DR and this board.
I think I'm just going to need to forgive myself on this stuff and recognize that there was probably very little I could have done right in the past 9 months, but tons of stuff I could and did do wrong.
Why does it always seem like we figure stuff out too late? I'm starting to believe that this is probably only my perception, and that in fact, it still is too late. My wife is out of love for me and I think the quicker I embrace this, the quicker I will be able to start to create a new life for myself. I'm still so caught up in trying to save this that I'm not facing up to my future and making the best possible life for myself from now on.
I've found this board tremendously useful, the support here is incredible, and I've learned so much. Still, I wonder how many of us come here searching for solutions to situations that are truly out of our control. What has struck me lately about my conversations with my WAW/MLC whatever, is that I really can't win. When I am present, I am overbearing and making her feel guilty, when I withdraw, I am self-centered and selfish. When I pursue, I am putting my needs first, when I distance, I am reinforcing her reasons for leaving in the first place.
I know this is a dance, but I am just plain tired right now. Attending to the constant barrage of blame has really taken its toll on me. I don't think it is a coincidence that my wife is pulling the plug on me and making it 100% my fault, while at the same time claiming that I have threatened and blamed her all the way through this. I guess I'm just surprised that no one, not her therapist, family, or friends, or even me, has called her on this. The most she'll even muster is taking responsiblity for not ending this sooner.
I think I'm just in a funk today and not quite sure how to keep the PMA going in the face of her unwavering need to push me out and my sense that I'm damned if I do and damed if I don't.
I just feel like curling up in a ball, but I know I need to do better.
I'm going to give you the same advice you gave me before. Time to take a break. Get some rest. Disengage for a little while and pull some thoughts together. Oh, and the blame issue, stop blaming yourself. Remember you did the best you could do with the skills that you had at the time. That's it. Nothing else to say. We both know we had problems that were factors in the Rs going south, but as we say here at the National Training Center, "you don't know what you don't know". Don't be so hard on yourself.
Some thoughts for after you take your break. You have been successful in the past. What was working? What's not working now? Can you go back to what was working?
