Hi guys... I haven't posted in awhile-- I've been taking a bit of a mental health break from my marriage work, but I continue to follow along here. An interesting thing has happened as I have stepped back---my H suddenly has been faced with some FOO stuff, stuff that has always been there but ignored by him...and he is struggling. The good news is that I have been the recipient of some positive changes within him, but I am well aware it's a rocky road he is walking on now. I am just happy he is on the path.
Recently H has awakened to his father's hurtful behavior towards him. The lack of support, disinterest, self absorption, etc. has always been there, but recently he has demonstrated a sort of " failure wish" for my H in such an obvious way that even H can't deny it. H has been in a sorry state; I suggested he get into therapy, and he has done just that ( with the MC we used to go to).
I have to say, Cobra, you are right, FOO issues/past relationships really do play such a big role in the present; in this short time H has discovered that some of the resentment and anger he has towards his H comes out to me in a passive, withholding way.
Guys, I am very excited by all this. H has been much more consistent in his loving. He still has to push through his feelings to connect with me, but he's doing it! I believe the connection with the therapist, a male, is a good one.
Next week we are ( coincidentally) visiting H's parents; the therapist is encouraging H to confront his father if issues come up, but my H is telling me it's pointless. Chrome, I remember you once had a thread about this ( to confront or not to confront)...if you get a chance I'd like to hear what you( and others)think.
I'm so glad to see you on here, and even more happy that your H is seeing a C to address his issues now
Cobra is so very spot on about the past issues affecting today. This is what I'm battling with when it comes to my H as well, but he's working on it. The two major R's that affected my H adversely involved women that came from rich families. I've known people with money who have been real jerks....but I've known people with more money than I could ever spend in my lifetime who were genuinely nice, giving, caring people too. My H....looks down on anyone who is wealthy financially....he cannot bring himself to say anything nice about them at all....and judges people who do have money without even knowing them.
This popped up just this past weekend. We were watching "Antiques Roadshow" and there was a woman on it who looked like she had money (she might not have), she kind of had a snooty southern way of talking as well (could have just been her style). My H automatically assumed she had money and started really bashing her. I just looked at him until he went "what?" Then I simply said...."do you realize that you tend to look down on people with money? I've never heard you say once nice word about a rich person. Do you look down on them for some reason?" He thought about it for a moment and said "yes, I do." We talked a bit about his past R's and their families and I told him that it's not fair to judge EVERYONE on a couple of instances in your life. That would be like me judging ALL men based on my 1st H....who was abusive. Would that be fair to the guys I met after him? No, of course not.
We're going to be discussing some of this stuff in our MC session today.
Glad to hear things are progressing and that the FOO is helping to resolve issues. I still believe FOO is the MOST important thing to be address in relationship counseling, but sometimes it may be so painful that leaving it buried may be the better approach. I don’t know. I came to realize that some on this board have a much more painful past that I do. Addressing my FOO was important to me, but it was not so painful I wanted to avoid it.
For your H, I wonder if he is thinking whether talking to his father will change things, possibly even change his father. He should not hold those expectations. Confronting his father is about liberating himself and should not have anything to do with changing his father. Now, if his father is open minded enough to hear his own faults and at least acknowledge them, then some great satisfaction and peace could come to your H. But the more dysfunctional his father is, the less likely he will be willing to listen.
My mother is like this. I have been able to get her to listen to some of her dysfunction but she is absolutely opposed to acknowledging her faults, changing herself or seeing a counselor to resolve her anger. My father is willing to listen, but change is another matter. He is now becoming a little more open to this (having thought counseling was a bunch of voodoo), and I think will be forced to open up more as problems with my two brothers become more serious. But regardless of my parents’ efforts, I am more aware of my issues and how I relate to my wife, which is the bottom line anyway. Don’t know if this really answered your question though.
FOO = Family of origin as in the dynamics of your family when you were a kid and the interactions of that family have a great deal to do with how you interact with your own family.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Oh, I'm always willing to be the one who who says what everyone else is thinking.
In my kids' baseball league, where I sit on the Board, I'm the ONLY guy who spoke up and questioned the wisdom of having a Board meeting ON VALENTINE'S DAY! After we all spend so many volunteer hours coaching and running the league, I said, do we REALLY want to forget our wives on Valentine's Day?
After a bunch of hemming and hawing and some flat-out disagreeing, we decided the move the meeting, and only then did everyone agree it was probably a wise choice.
Balto, you are a fast learner. Usually you need to log in a minimum of 100 posts before you get a sense of the abbreviations here!
GEL... I think our H's have a lot in common in the way they handle emotions. I know my H basically wears 2 kinds of images...the "poker" face image, where he is devoid of emotion, or "Mr. Happy-go-lucky." It's hard for him to acknowledge/verbalize the darker, yuckier stuff like anger and resentment. For instance, when he came home from counseling, he told me that the therapist pointed out how his not returning his father's call had to do with underlying emotion... ( duhhh)!!! My H said that he doesn't FEEL angry...I said " no, you just act it out." I also told him not to feel bad about being clueless, that I was equally clueless when I shut down sexually during a (long) period of our marriage, and how freeing it is once you start to make the connections. I realize I became the epitome of abandonment til I started to work on myself.
Cobra... I am going to tell H just what you have said, that if the opportunity presents itself, it may be helpful to express some stuff to his father, making sure he ( my H) has no expectations of change.
Anyway...I am hoping my H's work will lead us to more intimacy and healing. I hope to follow GEL's example by being open, available, and pointing things out as necessary.I think I have become a much better wife.
