My H and I split up 2 years ago. Have 2 year old daughter who was 10 months at time. Number of reasons, we argued, strain of having child, both changed jobs, think my H was having a bit of a MLC and to be honest i was nightmare to live with as sufering from bit of baby blues as well. He moved out and for 1 year I DB. Started to work, he came round all time and even started stopping 3/4 nights a week. I then found out he been seeing OW. I went mad. he supposedly ended it!! He ended up moving back in but it was all wrong. He felt under pressure to move back from me. and I knew he was still seeing OWomen so just resented him all the time. In end i gave up and went out 1 night and met someone else. H moved out... For 1st 2-3 months of seeing my BF I was still having physical relationship with my H. We both could not let go.. Then we fell out and for 2 months my H and i never spoke unless it was about our daughter.. I fell in love with my BF and was very happy.. For the last 2- months the honeymoon period with my BF has worn off, and at same time my H started to instigate things between us again. I started relationship with H again but continued to see BF. At Xmas my H and I spent alot of time together which was really good and he even started talking about whether there was a chance we could try again... BUT that is as far as we have got. My H will not give up OWomen ( he is always seeing someone different) at the moment. He hates me having a BF but knows he cannot stop me unless he gives me more commitment which he wont..
So that is my mess at the moment. I feel like my H has come back and dangled the carrot in front of me but then is not prepared to go any further at the moment..
Good Morning...I can't really post alot right now b/c I'm getting ready for work but I do want to suggest to try to figure out what it is that you want...
Do you want your M? Do you want things to end between you and H? Do you want OP? Regardless you need to get that point especially aside from what H decides to do. If you need time alone to figure things out that is good too. Dont react to his actions...do what you need to for you.
I will try to post later but this is what I think is most important.
Trouble is I am not sure what I want... Ultimately I do want to make things work with my H, BUT the problem is I know he will not commit at the moment. He wants to carry on as we are and see how things go and take things slowly between us... My problem is that I know this sounds really selfish but having my BF around does make it easier for me to cope... knowing my H is still seeing OW... I am scared that if I end it with my BF I will end up going back to feeling obssessive about my H again and maybe pushing things too quickly with him...
Having my BF around has defintely allowed me to focus on myself and GAL....
I suppose I am scared of things not happening with my H and ending back at square one again...
My weekend has been very eventfull the say the least!! H came back - tired / jet lagged / and his heads fully in the clouds!! I asked him what thailand was like, and he said, well I can tell you everything if you want to know? To which I could not help myself but say yes... Didnt like what I heard - basically he has had 2 weeks of complete papmering from call girls!! The girls basically let the men buy them for a week, and go and stay with them 24/7. The men pay for everything and the women are basically servants to them... anyway he had one girl for a week, and he has got her number and she has been texting him... When he first told me this I blew a fuse......went mad, and basically we had a terrible 'welcome home day'.... Argued most of day etc etc etc.. Anyway calmed down after a bit and things was ok. Me and my D came home, and he went out to for a drink with his mates, then was going over to see his OW. anyway about midnight me phone was ringing, it was H... On way back from seeing OW. He said ' can i come and get in bed at yours? '. He wanted to see our D in the morning before he went back to work. So i just said yes if you want. He came in, and I really did not say much too him.. HE said to ' I should have stayed with you and D tonight. OW has just got on my nerves and annoyed me, so I just left'......????? That was it - went to sleep... Woke up this morning, and again I just didnot say alot... He started to talk about Thailand again, and how one of his friends he went with was going back and looking to bring one of the girls back to the UK.. I was very calm and just listened to him and made the odd general comment now and again.... I kept seeing him looking at me, and he kept touching me and kissing me as I was getting on with things... I said to him jokingly ' its a good job I am so broad minded isnt it'... to which is said very seriously ' yes, you are pretty cool about all this'.........
So??? what have i learnt from all this??? 1 - OW is starting to put pressure on him and want more from him and he is not liking it........ 2 - Do opposite from OW. Take a step back and chill.. Let H get on with it. Dont ask too many questions and dont try and tell him what to do.... 3 - Let him come down from his 'fantasy' holiday on his own - which he will... dont try and tell him how stupid and silly and gullible he has been... let him come back to normality on his own... 4 - chill out and be calm, and happy and in control when around H... Start doing 180's such as not asking him about OW at all.... Not asking who his texts are from if they come through whilst he is with me.. 5 - carry on having a good time and going out with friends as much as possible. 6 - BF??? just dont know what to do??? like talking to him and seeing him now and again but just dont want anything too heavy...
Well you will never beleive what has happened today?? My H rang me - going off his head, accusing me of all sorts!! Said he had heard some rumours that I had been with someone else when I had been out with my friends!! WHAT!!! I told him I had'nt, which is the TRUTH but he didnt beleive me... told me i was lying and that he would find out the truth himself etc etc Told me if he found out I was lying he would divorce me!!!
I am gobsmacked!!
My first reaction was - how the hell can you have a go at me for a rumour when look at what you have been doing !!
So we did argue quite a bit over the phone about it... He got my back up and I just defended myself
Anyway, have calmed down a bit now and been thinking about it...
Why is he like this and so jealous???
He obviously still cares but why does he choose not to beleive me all the time?? It does not matter what i say to him its like he wants to beleive I am lying to him.. maybe this reduces the guilt he feels.. I dont know..
But what can I do when i am not lying. I told him the truth and he does not want to beleive me so what can I do??? It is so frustrating ...
He was saying things to me like - I have seen a difference in you since I got back. You have changed your hair, you are going out with your friends alot more, you dont seem as bothered about us.........so that to him must been i have some hidden agenda, which in his mind must be somebody else apart from my BF???
He does not realise the only hidden agenda i have is Divorce busting... I have taken a step back since he got back from Thailand which I have had to do for my own sanity... He sees this as though I am hiding something...
No advice necessarily, just commiseration. My W reacted similarly when she found something she thought was a gift for another woman. Of course, I got angry when she accused me, same as you, but when I got over it a few minutes later, I simply walked up to her, smiled a big smile and said "You know honey, I was wrong, thank you for caring so much." and walked away. I don't think things were as heated as they are with your H but in the end, I chose to take it as a positive. If nothing else, you now KNOW that he will be affected when you do move on without him. I know we aren't supposed to be motivated by such things, but take a little solace in it.
"Thanks for the compliments, I am taking steps to make myself happy and independent and I'm glad it shows. At this point, a romantic R with someone else is not one of those steps." Then, drop it. There is nothing wrong with you stepping away from the R, becoming happy with yourself, and him experiencing the emotions of you not being a sure thing anymore.
If he pushes it and continues to accuse you: "H, I have said what I am going to say here. I am unwilling to sacrifice my emotional energy further unless we both choose to begin an R on clear terms that we both want."
Don't try to reassure him or fix his confusion. They are his to fix. Just be direct and matter of fact.
I am torn at the moment between advice I am getting between friends and that I am reading in books...
Alot of the advice is - dont put up with your H if he is sleeping with OW... dont continue to sleep with him yourself...you are giving in to him....stop the contact with him until he is ready to comit?????
But like a lot of posts on here....I dont want to stop seeing my H.... I have a good seperate life away from my H where i go out with friends alot, still have contact with my BF...Yes my goal is to get back with my H, but at the moment I dont have a real issue with how things are progressing...
These past 2 months my H and i have started getting on so much better, we talk more, have a laugh more, and he has started to do things he said he would never do again... like come and stay night at my house...
So I tend to think to myself if its working then why change it????
ok - some people might think my H is not being respectful to me by sleeping with me and OW, and that to gain his respect I should end it with him until he comits to me only ,but at the end of the day I dont think this is the answer.... How can I stop contact with him on the basis of seeing OW, when at the end of the day I still have a BF??
My H's OW has called it a day..... Think she wants more and knows deep down he just wont give her any more... so she has said to him ' shall we call it a day and just be friends' He replied ' its a shame, but if thats what you want then friends is fine by me'...
God he makes me sick sometimes.... Feeling angry today...
How do I know all this?? because he told me!!!
He always does this.... takes girls out, thrill of the chase and all that.... 2 months down the line he gets bored and then waits for them to end it.... he never ends it.... he just makes things uncomfortable for them until they do... Then moves on to the next one!!
I am not getting excited though....coz would money on it that there will a dozen or so more girls to come!!!
Aaaargh!!
having bad day today....
Will my H EVER be ready to settle down again, or does he just want to play the field for the rest of his life???
