Its been a long hard two weeks where I've done just about everything wrong and nothing right in my sitch. I'm posting this experience so hopefully others will not follow my example!!!
It all started last week or the week before when I came across something rather innocently. It was a letter from OM to my W expressing undying love (ouch). From there, my snooping ways got the best of me and it started to become an obsession to "find out the truth". So here I am, a couple of weeks later and have I found out anything? No, not really, a couple of things that bother me, but in the grand scheme of things, don't mean squat. Has it negatively affected any progress that I might have been making? absolutely. I believe that I had a fighting chance to begin with, but now with the events of the past few weeks, I've set myself way back.
My only hope at this point is to do a 180 on my current path and get back to where I belong. I feel horrible about everything and in the process, I've just made things worse. But, I am the only one who can make things better. As a result, I want to post some goals here that I can achieve if not immediately, then by the end of the day.
1. I WILL NOT SNOOP!
2. When I have the urge to find out anything, I will refer to goal no. 1.
3. I will make every effort today to remind myself that I cannot control anything that W does.
4. I will focus on putting myself in a good mood for my own sake and for the sake of others.
5. I will not let my emotional state mirror hers.
Okay, it sounds like a lofty set of goals for one day, but I believe that if I can implement them for at least today, then I can refer back to them tomorrow and try to keep them going for another day. Its one day at a time and I must take control of myself for my own emotional well-being.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Good. Another person that did this and found out the hard way that it DOES NOT HELP! You will NOT likely find that email/letter/im where your WAS and OP talk about how much things suck and they want to end their affair. Please Rob, DO this.
2. When I have the urge to find out anything, I will refer to goal no. 1.
Ok, but what do you really want to know? Just when it will be over, right? Or maybe that they just had passionate $ex so you can get all emoted up and finally dump her? I know those are my two big ones and neither are likely to either be found out by me, or really change MY actions. Snooping is the ultimate form of attachment. If you give in to this urge, you cannot be close to detachment at all. Let it be a guide for you.
3. I will make every effort today to remind myself that I cannot control anything that W does.
True. Hard to fully realize but very true. You CAN affect what she does, but mainly that is done through her reacting to what YOU do, and with what consistency you do it. Focus on that.
4. I will focus on putting myself in a good mood for my own sake and for the sake of others.
Please. Do this. See goals 1-3.
5. I will not let my emotional state mirror hers.
Good. If you can do #4, then this one is really important. You need not be cold to her, just don't be drawn in.
Good luck on all this. Please report later tonight. We will grade you...lol.
Quote: You will NOT likely find that email/letter/im where your WAS and OP talk about how much things suck and they want to end their affair. Please Rob, DO this.
This is my most important goal right now. It truly is. I don't know what I'm looking for, but what the hell, when I do find it, what good do I do? Here's the cycle, I find it, I confront her with it, she acknowledges it in the face of facts (or lies through it), I react...she gets mad, I retreat, she draws further into her shell. Hello, WTF is wrong with me? I NEED to let that all go!
Quote: 3. I will make every effort today to remind myself that I cannot control anything that W does.
True. Hard to fully realize but very true. You CAN affect what she does, but mainly that is done through her reacting to what YOU do, and with what consistency you do it. Focus on that.
This has been such good practical advice that I've been able to implement in theory (aka, in my head), but have not been putting into practice.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Rob I share your goals! Actually I think GH was refering to me about the "someone else" who likes to snoop! I stopped. It has been hard but what I find just fuels my anger and resentemnt and lets me get drawn into her emmotional control! The key that you referred to is being there for your W, but not getting drawn into the emmotional rollercoaster. I have been able to step out of it in my sitch for a few days, and it feels good. Trust me I have been drawn in several times, and it is hard to step back again. Today I have stepped back, and living today for myself. You are strong my friend! It is now time to execute or intentions for ourselves!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I have to admit, today is REALLY hard for me. I am having such a hard time with a bunch of things, but I am really struggling to keep my center. Today is a major test for me and I need to keep focused. Its one day at a time.....
This is my emotional rollercoaster at its new depths....
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Rob take today one hour at a time. I don't what you need to do to take a step back but try to find it. You are creating this tornado of emmotions for yourself. You have to decide if you want to jump in or stand back and watch. I don't know I have tried to find humor in everything I do today. Laughter seems to make things better. Maybe hard to find for yourself at the moment but you will make it through today! Tomorrow you will look back and may say I made a mountain out of a mole hill! Hey I had a nice red shirt all ready to go today, and at that the last moment I changed into black! Went against the grain, and I said what the heii!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I have to say, I never imagined that I would have half the strength that I have now when faced with this obstacle in my M. Obviously I am so far away from the strength that others have shown, but this has been a step forward for me.
Its not just this day that has me down, it really is just another day at this point, its the whole sitch that has me down. I've been horrible at DBing when I needed to do it the most.
On some days, its easier to imagine running away than facing another day.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I don't know I have tried to find humor in everything I do today. Laughter seems to make things better. Maybe hard to find for yourself at the moment but you will make it through today! Tomorrow you will look back and may say I made a mountain out of a mole hill!
Funny you mention humor. My co-workers (the one's that know whatsup) actually thought I had reconciled .or something because I was acting so goofy today. I know you (tim) watch Grey's Anatomy so I guess we both identify with the inappropriate reaction scene. (laughing in a time of crisis). Of course it's a front, but who cares. We have to start somewhere.
I really have to get to work, but Chromosphere's thread on self-esteem in the SSM forum might be helpful.
Try these on for size:
I am learning to pursue information only if I believe it is useful to me.
I am a strong loving partner as demonstrated by my committment to continue improving my DB skills.
I am a strong person emotionally, I have the strength it takes to bear the risks that an R worth having takes.
I am honest with myself and willing to work to improve my weaknesses.
I am in touch with my feelings and can admit my pain.
I am open to learning from the experience of others while recognizing that their experience can only inform my own growth, not replace the process.
I look forward to continuing to grow and see those ahead of me as lights to guide my way, and those behind me, including my past self, as reminders of how far I have come and as ways to keep my compassion and develop my understanding of others in a different place from me. THIS INCLUDES compassion and understanding for myself.
My path, though different from others, is one on which I continue to go forward while respecting what I have learned.
I am strong enough and confident enough to admit my mistakes.
I have integrity.
I honor my commitments.
I can extend compassion to others even when their actions hurt me.
Anyway, that's what I think you should be saying to yourself. Much better, and TRUER from what I've seen than the humble poor me line. You are all those things I've said, I've seen it in your posts. Face it. You are a great guy showing admirable strength, courage, and compassion in the hardest of times. Give yourself your due and embrace your positive self, which includes, by the way, also being an imperfect human ;-)
P.S. And if I made you cry, it is only because it feels good to hear the truth about yourself. Really gather the courage to say those things aloud to yourself, and the one's that are hardest to say are the most important. The hard ones are those that make you feel foolish and ashamed because it hurts so much to acknowledge them. Why? Because they are true things about your very real value as a human veing that are not being validated for you in your own life. Validate them yourself.
