I have been trying to stop attaching my own meaning to this. I think that i am in such disbelief at the way my H did it, as opposed to the fact that he actually did it. I feel like everything over the past weeks and months have been a lie, or part of his plan. Be nice to me so he can get what he wants - the D. I just can't believe that he would do it this way - he could have just waited. Sometimes i think that maybe he didn't tell me for fear of my reaction. But, he has to know that i wouldn't last out at him. There is a part of me that is angry. But, the bigger part of me is really hurt that he could say those things. I know that things change on a daily basis. And i have read stories on here of people who were actually at the courthouse, right before finalizing the D, and they worked things out. So, i know that this is not necessarily the end. I just can't get out of my head the things he said. If our R had been hostile up to this point, then i wouldn't be surprised by this. But, it hasn't been that way. We've been getting along, talk almost every day, spend some time together - i feel like i have been hit by a ton of bricks. I just don't know what the truth is anymore. I am so afraid that this is going to get ugly when i deny some of the charges he has made. I don't necessarily want to contest the D, or fight about money. I just can't sign something that says those things. I can't believe he would want me to. Not after everything he has said and done over the past weeks. We have been intimate, and i keep wondering if that was all a ruse as well.
I will try to focus on myself and what i am going to do now. Its so hard, b/c all i really want to do is climb into a hole. God, this sucks.
One thing I think I have failed to mention in ANY of my posts, and possibly even to my C, maybe because this notion was just so scary and unbelievable.
Even though I thought it in private, but mostly suppressed the idea when communication my sitch, was that one of the reasons I kept spying and watching was because I was afraid she was playing me, putting me at ease so I that wouldn't disrupt the plans that were not yet complete.
I fueled this theory by some of the bits and pieces I read, quotes from her to OM or friends, such as "I need to get my ducks lined up," and "if we are ever to be truly together", "I'm trying to find the easiest possible way to get out of an unhappy marriage".
Granted, I focused on these, and my fear of what they really meant, whether she was being dishonest with OM and friends, or being completely dishonest with me, because in reality she wasn't really doing anything at home to back up any of these statements. Money was not disappearing from accounts, there was nothing unusual going on as far as household affairs, etc. And if she truly felt about me the way she described things to OM, etc. she would have had to be an incredible actress and faker to continue to ML, affectionate, etc.
I wanted to believe in my heart that she was not capable of that kind of evil (if that's what you want to call it), and part of the reason I kept spying was to find the truth on this, not as much as the A.
But who knows. The aliens doing their "body-snatching" can lead to all sorts of things we would never expect, I guess.
Hang in there.
Crow Jane, Crow Jane, come 'on, I wanna know,
how you love some man, but don't love me no mo'
Bear this in mind - you don't know how long ago he gave that info to the lawyer (maybe long before your good interactions recently) and you also don't know how much of what's in there was put in there by his lawyer (some WASs -and LBSs too - have been horrified by what their aggressive attorneys have put in the papers.
H just called and left me a message. He said he was calling to check in and to let me know that i might be getting "papers" in the mail re: our situation. He wanted to let me know that so that i wasn't "blindsided." He is not aware that i know already. I just called him back - his cell phone is off - left him a message. I told him that i had gotten his message, and that i imagine the papers he was referring to were D papers, but that i hadn't gotten anything yesterday, maybe today. I also said that i had thought he was going to tell me that he was planning on a seeing a lawyer and filing, before doing so, but that i guess it didn't matter, and that we would talk when he got back.
I guess i was hoping that he would change his mind while he was away. Not a chance of that happening now. I don't know what to do. I had been hoping that this really wouldn't happen...that he would realize he didn't want to lose me. But, i was wrong. All of his claims to have loved me so much are meaningless right now...i don't believe him. I don't want to lose him, but i don't know what to do. I am feeling very anxious right now. I can't believe he would let this happen while he was away, and that he would tell me over the phone - in a message no less. I can't believe how insensitive he is being. After everything that has happened with us, i thought he would be a bit more considerate of my feelings...maybe tell me in person, before he left. For god's sake, we were together on Thursday night...he could have said something then. Everything is just a mess. I just want to stop hurting, but i don't know if that will ever happen. It doesn't seem like there will ever be an end to my hurt. I can't believe that he would rather give me up, then try to work this out. I'm glad this is so easy for him. How could he do this? I don't want to live without him...i don't want anybody else. I just want my H and our life that we planned on 8 years ago. He was supposed to be the father of my children. He was my family. And i feel like i have nothing. I don't think i can do this...i can't survive this. I want to hate him, but i can't. I love him too much. And i don't understand why that doesn't matter to him. I guess he thinks he will be happier with ow. How could he do this? How could he do this to me? To us?
I did think that maybe this information was given to the attorney a while ago, and that he wasn't feeling that way recently. But, if that was the case, then couldn't he have called his attorney and tell him/her to hold off on filing so he could change things? I can't imagine that he thinks i will sign the papers as they are right now. And you know what, it doesn't really matter what they say - I don't want the D at all. It seems as if he was at the attorney at the end of January. To think of everything he has said and done since then, it is unbelieveable to think that this is even happening. Maybe i am just blind and stupid. I know that part of this is my fault - i wasn't really accepting the truth of what was going to happen. I kept thinking he would change his mind, that he wouldn't go through with it, that it wouldn't happen. Obviously i was wrong. So, i know that my denial is a part of the problem. But, the way in which he did it is unreal to me. As i said, if we had been hostile to each other for months and didn't talk regularly, then maybe i could understand this. But, it is the complete opposite of that. Maybe all of his reaching out to me lately and saying things was out of guilt of knowing what was coming. Maybe actually going to the lawyer stirred things up in him, and he had to express it. But, apparently it doesn't matter. To think that he will never hold me again, that we will never ML again. That i will never get phone calls from him, in the middle of the night b/c he is upset or can't sleep. To think that he won't be in my life anymore. I just can't imagine it. I try to figure out why this is happening to me. And there just doesn't seem to be a good reason. I don't understand. I have prayed for so long for him to find his way back to me. How can he have told me, 2 weeks ago, that there is still a big part of him that wants this to work, that wants to be with me? Huh? Does that make any sense? Yes, i know, can't believe anything he says. Hard to do that. When you have trusted someone with your life, how do you go to not believing even the slightest thing that comes out of their mouth? I know that things can still change...the D won't be final for several weeks. But, i can't hold out hope anymore...look where it has gotten me. I just love him so much. And i wish this wasn't happening.
Its hard to find the silver lining here, but you can't give up hope just yet. It is doubtful that any such contact from him will cease....IMHO you still are a part of his life and will continue to be so.
No one deserves this. Not me, not you, not anyone on this board. We don't deserve this much pain, but the fact is, we have it to deal with for whatever reasons. This thing he is going through isn't about YOU, it is about him. His own problems, insecurities, etc. YOU cannot change him, but you can change yourself. Don't let this bring you down so far that you cannot see any light. It is a step in the wrong direction, but it is not insurmountable. He has said that there is a part of him that wants this to work....and you know what...there probably is. Filing papers does not change feelings....
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thank you PArob- Trust me, i am trying not to give up...b/c when i do, all hope is lost. I just don't want to be in denial. How do i balance that? How can i be realistic and hopeful at the same time? I don't want to continue to be blind to this. How do i know that the things he has said to me are true? And not just him trying to butter me up or something? You know what i mean? He has said to me, all along that he didn't want to lead me on. He told me in December that we weren't going to be together. But, he also told me that he was still ambivalent and that us working was still a possibility. So, he has tried to be honest with me. Maybe it is hard for him too. I often forget that he is hurting too (at least i hope so). I mean, if it were me, i couldn't just say the things that he has said to me over the past few weeks and not mean them. And the things he has said have been things he has initiated...i have not solicited these statements from him. If i asked him "do you miss me" and he said "yes" then i could think that i was just putting him on the spot and what could i expect him to say. But, when he calls me up at midnite, crying and telling me how much he misses me, and how much he loved me, and how lonely he is - i think that is different. Or, maybe i am just gullible. I just don't want to think that our whole R was a lie. And i am finding myself doing that. I never thought he would want to live without me, i was wrong. I certainly never thought he would say the things he has said, wrong again. God, what is the matter with me? I try not to focus on all of the good things in our M, before all of this started. But, i can't help it. I remember so many things about us that are just so wonderful. And i get sad for the loss of those things, and the loss of a future with this man - he was my soulmate and my best friend and i didn't think it was possible for anybody to love me as much as he did. Where did that all go? What is so wrong with me that he doesn't love me enough to want to work this out and stay with me?
i am trying not to give up...b/c when I do, all hope is lost.
That's not really so.
I just don't want to be in denial. How do I balance that? How can I be realistic and hopeful at the same time? I don't want to continue to be blind to this.
You can be realistic when you accept the reality. You can be hopeful when you give up *unrealistic* hopes and acknowledge that the future is always unwritten and anything can still happen.
How do I know that the things he has said to me are true? And not just him trying to butter me up or something? You know what I mean?
It may be impossible to know right now. Maybe then it's better not to think in those terms, but just let life play out and see what happens that affords a more evident and clear look-see into what is true or not?
He told me in December that we weren't going to be together. But, he also told me that he was still ambivalent and that us working was still a possibility.
I mean, if it were me, I couldn't just say the things that he has said to me over the past few weeks and not mean them.
First of all, he's not you, so he needn't think the same way.
But I tend to think he really means it, but I also think that when he sends you the opposite message, he really means that too. Confusing? I'll explain later*.
when he calls me up at midnite, crying and telling me how much he misses me, and how much he loved me, and how lonely he is - I think that is different.
No, I see that as more of the same pattern. He really means it. But you can't buy into it, because he'll swing to the other extreme.
I just don't want to think that our whole R was a lie.
It doesn't have to be such an "all or nothing at all" outlook on the R's history as in either it was all a lie or not. At some point, it turned. It wasn't all a lie.
And I get sad for the loss of those things, and the loss of a future with this man - he was my soulmate and my best friend and I didn't think it was possible for anybody to love me as much as he did. Where did that all go?
Yep, you're still in denial. As long as you dwell in the past, the past dwells in you, right?
I've taken to seeing these relationships as "chapters" in our lives rather than the expectation of "forevermore"; relationships that last X number of years, not unto death (though as long as you're both alive, the relationship is not over). I think that also is helpful to me, as then seeing that every R can end unexpectedly serves as motivation to render proper care and nurturing to it, instead of a relaxing of the guard.
What is so wrong with me that he doesn't love me enough to want to work this out and stay with me?
Sweetie, you should know by now that the question REALLY is: "What's so wrong with HIM that he doesn't love me enough to want to work this out and stay with me?
* explanation: he's more confused than you think. he wants this, and he wants that, but this and that conflict. And he honestly hurts over it, not knowing what to do to ease his pain. What can you do? Nothing - unless you want to get sucked into more pain - so be lovingly detached.
And I get sad for the loss of those things, and the loss of a future with this man - he was my soulmate and my best friend and I didn't think it was possible for anybody to love me as much as he did. Where did that all go?
I too agree with NYS, it's all just chapters in our lives. It was actually Dave's father that taught me that. Wonderful words of wisdom. The chapters can continously write themselves and just as any good editor will tell you, chapters and books can be revised, rewritten at anytime.
There are no guarantees in life and love. I used to believe in the whole soulmates thing too...but now I don't. I just believe that people come into and touch our lives in various stages/chapters when we need them. While we may not know at the time how they will affect our life, we open the door and taken in their experience and knowledge and continue along through our journey of life. There are loves gained/lost along the way.
I understand the loss that you are feeling. I went through that too...but just as quick as I lost it, I gained it back and then some. I learned that my happiness was not dependent on someone else to fulfill it for me. I brought myself my own love. As for losing my best friend, initially I went through the stage of wanting to call and share things with him. But I found other outlets for that and in fact my quality and depth of friendships with others has grown much stronger. I never realized the wonderful friends I had until all this happened.
A friend once explained Dave's confusion as "he feels this way at this very moment, doesn't mean that he will feel that way tomorrow, or the next. It just means that is what he is feeling at this very moment."
Thanks NYS for taking the time to respond to me and my rantings.
I am having a hard time separating reality from what goes on in my head. I do tend to have an all or nothing type of thinking. I guess my biggest dilemma was trying to figure out if he did feel the things he has said he felt over the past few weeks. I understand that he goes back and forth. But, i didn't want to think that he was making things up for his own benefit. So, thank you for pointing out that he probably does mean what he says, both the positive and negative.
And yes, i should know by now that this is his problem and not mine. But, facing the receipt of D papers, i can't help but think that there is something wrong with me. I feel rejected, so i focus on my part in all of this, instead of his. By no means do i think he is innocent or perfect. But, knowing that he does not want to be with me makes me just feel less than worthy. I probably shouldn't, but i do.
I do believe that he is confused. Sometimes i forget that he is in pain over this as well. And all along, i kept hoping that he would be able to climb out of the hole he was in and realize that he wasn't ready to be without me. I guess i am attaching too much significance to the actual filing of the papers. But, i can't help but think that we are running out of time...we are kind of nearing the finish line here...not too much of an opportunity to turn around. I know that i don't know what the future holds. But, the fact that we are this much closer to ending our M makes me feel like all hope is lost. I think the things he said in the papers are making me feel that much worse. And i just don't know what is going to happen. What scares me is that he is able to go along, seemingly acting like nothing is wrong, all the while knowing that he had gone and done this. How could i not have known or seen or felt that this was coming? And how could he not have told me that he saw a lawyer?
I know i am just beating this to death...sorry. Thank you for your feedback. I do appreciate it.
