You need to do what you feel is right. I always do non DBing things- but I do things I would be proud to do and not regret- then I know I have made every effort I can. Good luck whatever you decide to do! Keep in touch!
Quote: It was engaging....it was almost, dare I say,......"FUN"?)
This is what I experienced several times before my STBX proposed that we give our M a second chance on Sunday (see my updates). I remember thinking "hey, H is actually making jokes and also laughing at my comments and seem to be relaxed and having fun". Also, before H could care less about HOW I was trying to descipline S3, but lately (the past two months or so) he said things like "if you do not want me to let S3 watch certain movies, I will not do that", "I will remove guns from the house for the safety of S3 (which I have asked so many times in the past 3 years but H never watned to give them up)".
So if you felt you had "fun" with your STBX, I am pretty sure he felt that as well. But I also think to give him the letter asking if he felt the same way might push him a bit at this point.
Dust, you crack me up!!!
Quote: I thought that was a much better response than what I would have said, even a month ago....."Yah, well you stupid piece of crap.....I never asked for this D...It you'd have been man enough to NOT run away and stay and work on your M, you wouldn't be so poor." (But I didn't).
I was laughing so hard that I was crying. This is EXACTLY how I dealt with H's stupidness in the past. I also changed my behaviors and now I try to pick more neutral responses rather than getting back at him right in his face. I am sure your husband appreciated your "soft" reply. Because he KNOWS that the reason he is "poor" is he has double expenses!
Can you file the financials and interrogatories and give them to your L, but ask him to "hold on" to them until he hears something from your H's L? Or can you actually ask your L to ask H's L to put everything on hold for now till he comes back from his business trip? That way you are not directly dealing with your H regarding the D issue.
Quote: I always do non DBing things- but I do things I would be proud to do and not regret- then I know I have made every effort I can.
Cathy -
That is me too! I have probably violated every DB rule at one time or another. But I just hate being RE-ACTIVE, rather than PRO-ACTIVE. And actually, for most of the past 10 months, all I have done is re-act to H's actions and tantrums.
As it turns out...( Matilda, thanks for asking)....
H brought D15 home around noon. He walked into the house briefly, then turned and walked out the door onto our front patio. He was walking pretty fast so I called out, "hey, wait". He stopped and turned toward me. I put my arms around him and gave him a hug. He hugged back - lightly. (I think it shocked him a bit).
I said, "Please stay safe". And he said, "yeah, I will."
Then, almost as an afterthought, he said, "Call me if you need me." (Which was the first time I have heard this since he left).
Now, I admit, that would have been a really nice parting comment.....except that as H was getting into his car, I remembered to ask if he had called our insurance guy to find out if D15 was covered if I take her out to practice driving the car. He confirmed that, "yes" she was.
Then he adds, "I'm gonna look for a car to buy her when I get back from my trip". I dropped my mouth and said..."WHAT?"
He said, "well, you had a car when you were 16 didn't you?" And I said, "Yes, but my dad lived at home." (Always the sarcastic bitch getting in the last word).
So I guess the mood was totally broken by BOTH our comments. And he drove off with me saying to myself, "What the hell is THAT about?
H is saying that he is going to buy her a car, but L & I are bringing petition before the court to force him to pay the last 2 years of her private high school tuition, which he says he can't afford.
He's still in the fog, no matter how much I wish he weren't.
Quote: This is what I experienced several times before my STBX proposed that we give our M a second chance on Sunday (see my updates).
Yes Hoping , I've been following. Things sound good for you so far.
Quote: I try to pick more neutral responses rather than getting back at him right in his face. I am sure your husband appreciated your "soft" reply.
Yes, I am sure he appreciates that I TRY....but I always have to wreck it by following it with a snotty comment. Well, no one said this would be easy.
I used to just fling those snarky comments out there with the attitude of "take that, you stupid jackass"! Now, I still fling them out, but at least I am aware of them, and feel badly about saying them. Sometimes, I even manage to hold in one or two.
So now he is gone...Haven't heard from him since Sunday. And I don't expect to hear from him soon. But I guess that will be the test. Considering that we had one good evening together and then the goodbye hug. Maybe he will pick up the phone and call. I doubt it, but stranger things have been known to happen.
You are improving- give yourself credit- change is hard and it doesn't come all at once! Changing your reactions to him during his craziness I find even harder than if we were not in the crisis. Some good is coming of all this MLC though- we are growing and improving ourselves and at the least it will help us and the kids!!
Dust, I love you! You are so much like me!!! I can't work b/c I am laughing so hard....
Quote: "Yes, but my dad lived at home." (Always the sarcastic bitch getting in the last word).
Okay, maybe it wasn't the greatest thing to say, but then again, I don't think it was the worst either. I think you are just very smart and your brains work so fast that sometimes you can't slow down... And like you said, now at least you are aware of those sarcastic comments and are trying to do something about it.
When I get emotional, oh boy, there is no stop for me either. It's extremely difficult to always say "yes honey, sure honey, I agree with you honey...", when you are actually thinking "hey, you caused all of this mess so you'd better put your acts together". But I am getting better, I think (I don't say "sure honey" stuff, though). I am being honest, and will let him know how I feel, but am trying to choose words more carefully. Also, I have learned some tactics where instead of just say "no", I just come up with some other reasons to soften things up. That's not really my style, as I believe in being honest, but I realized that when I just say "oh, unfortunately that won't work b/c ABCXYZ...", instead of "NO, remember our agreement???", even though it is true that we have an agreement and H is trying to break it, I get better results. So I am getting wiser, I guess.
Your H may think he is very annoyed by your comments and wants something different now, but you two have spent 17 years together, so obviously he was attracted to you. If he goes for someone completely different, he might get bored, b/c she will not "respond" as quick as you...
The interesting thing is, in the past, my H was always attracted to women who are opinionated and fairly aggressive, even though he claimed that I was too fisty...
Quote: Your H may think he is very annoyed by your comments and wants something different now, but you two have spent 17 years together, so obviously he was attracted to you. If he goes for someone completely different, he might get bored, b/c she will not "respond" as quick as you...
Hoping,
Ain't it ironic? H always said he was attracted to me because I was "quick witted".....
Amazing, after 17 years how "DIM-WITTED" I am!!!!!!
I, on the other hand, found him attractive because he sort of "softened" my harshness - he was kind of laid back, whereas I was right in the middle of things. I always called him my "voice of reason" in any exasperating situation.
So you see the paradox.....In his MLC, I have HAD to become the voice of reason.....Something that is not difficult, but very foreign to me; and HE has become the knee-jerk reactionary, shoot-your-mouth-off-without-thinking guy.
Quote: I realized that when I just say "oh, unfortunately that won't work b/c ABCXYZ...", instead of "NO, remember our agreement???", even though it is true that we have an agreement and H is trying to break it, I get better results.
I will definitely use that line, as I find myself saying, "NO" alot these days. (You guys will definitely have to help me craft my reply to him when he decides to buy D15 a car)..I am afraid to even THINK of what will come out of my mouth.
Quote: Some good is coming of all this MLC though- we are growing and improving ourselves and at the least it will help us and the kids!!
Cathy,
Yes, I agree! And thanks for reminding me. But nobody says I have to LIKE this self improvement plan.
It kind of feels like a boot camp self improvement thing huh?? It is extremely rough and we didn't even sign up for it!! I do get my butt kicked daily on seeing yet another thing I should be working on- I'm tired- I want to escape to the spa vacation instead!!
Quote: ... and we didn't even sign up for it!! I do get my butt kicked daily on seeing yet another thing I should be working on- I'm tired- I want to escape to the spa vacation instead!!
Cathy, I don't even need the spa, I just want a day off, PLEASE!!!
