Greetings! HappyGiant here! I was formerly "Mraintgettinany" but decided to change my screen name to reflect a bit more positive attitude toward my relationship hopes..
Anyway, the "Do you and your spouce sleep nude" discussion finally got to the point where I decided I had something to contribute and the thread got locked. Th thread itself seemed to meander through a number of topics, so I thought I might throw this out there to get it back on track, as there were a lot of valid points about the evolution of relationships over time.
So... do my SO and I sleep nude? No. As the HD spouse in the realtionship, do I wish we did? Heck yea! And like so many in th thread, we used to do that.. way back when, then something happend and now she bundles up in the eskimo gear. The same sitch as most of you..
There did seem to be a lot of debate over the role of lingerie and husbands that like their wives to be just naked. I remember reading some frustration to this fact. Let me offer this "male" insight:
Like I said, I am very HD, so the thought of seeing my wife in lingerie... almost anything different or sexy is something I would LOVE! I have purchased a lot of it in my day that has, saddly, never even been worn once. I get the "thanks" along with the eye roll and then it goes into the drawer along with all the others that will never see the light of day..
But for as much as I love seeing lingerie... when it comes to sex, I gotta say, I prefer my wife to be naked. Not just mostly undressed, I mean nekkid! (I lived in texas for a few years)... Why not just go with the sexy lingerie? To me, it is a show of trust, which to me shows love.
We live in a world that seems all about "packaging". Everything is packaged up so that it looks as appealing as possible. Everyhting from homes, to businesses to people, fashion, etc. No one wants to go out unless they look their best, have fancy clothes, etc. As Madonna says "We are living in a material world". Even with the way people dress themselves up... It's all about the push up bra, the feature enhancing clothes, enchance the chest, hide the tummy, on and on and on. But when it comes to intimacy, I don't want all of that. I want it to be simple.. Me and Her and NOTHING else.
When we get to the point of being undresssed in front of another human being, we are throwing all of that worldly stuff away. There is nothing you can do to hide, or reshape, or any of that stuff while being naked.. It takes alot of guts, a lot of courage to allow another person to see us in that state. But to me.. it takes trust.
If my wife gets undressed and allows me to see her that way, how does it make me feel as a person? It makes me feel important. It makes me feel loved. It makes me feel trusted and that brings alot to the intimacy right from the start. She is allowing me to see her without anything hidden, as a natural person.. to me, that is one of my favorite parts of the whole thing.. to have someone I love in front of me, not hiding anything and sharing with me and trusting that I will love that body wihtout judgement.
Now, unfortuantely, I am living in a dream world here.. I am the guy who is married to someone who is so self conscious about her body she cannot dress or undress with me anywhere near her. Seeing her naked is a huge no-no!!! She hates and is uncomfortable with any kind of nudity, from either of us.
But for those that may get frustrated that your spouce doesn't get into seeing you with lingerie, and would just prefer to see you naked, don't think it is you, or don't think there is something wrong with him. It could be something much deeper and he is showing that love and desiring to be trusted by only wanting you undressed.
I don't have SSM problems, I am D, and didn't have before either but I ocassionally surf these forums and thought I'd add a few points I thought of.
If I had a H and he expected to be naked or for me to be naked in bed, or to sleep that way every night, that would be really boring. It would ruin the sexual excitement for me as he could already see it all so there's no build up.
We wouldn't be able to undress each other, which is half the fun.
It's kinda like seeing the present before you unwrap it. It spoils the surprise.
And as for lingerie, I have never worn mine for a man; I wear it because I like it and I think it looks pretty on me and it is to do with feeling good about me, not anything to do with how a man perceives me. The fact that he likes it is a bonus, but he isn't the reason.
I have been living on my own nearly 4 years and I have a cupboard full of lingerie which I sleep in on a regular basis with no man here, because I think I look great in it.
I used to sleep nude in the summer, but in the winter here you'd freeze to death if you tried. Also, last year my 3 year old started bed-sharing with me and I can't get her to stay in her bed so there's no way on earth I would sleep nude with her there. It just feels wrong.
These are some of the reasons why I don't think sleeping nude is necessarily great, but I have done it sometimes when married. It still doesn't beat the thrill of being undressed by the man you love, though.
One of my best friends lives there in Nottingham....welcome and thanks for your thoughts.
You have some points, and personally I as an HDW happen to agree with you on the majority of them. Keep in mind though that we here in this particular BB have one spouse that is very LD, that's why we are here. Someone who is LD will often go to extremes to avoid sex, or avoid appearing "sexy" to their spouse.
I also, don't necessarily wear lingerie for any man...it makes "me" feel good....but then you and I seem to have fairly good outlooks on ourselves. Many people who are LD often seem to suffer from self-esteem, self-perception, or other issues.
Maybe that's why deprived spouses want to sleep nude, because the LD spouse is always avoiding it?
I am HD but do have an idea how frustrating SSM problems are because I have this rare syndrome which means sometimes I medically can't. Most of the time in my M I managed 2 or 3 times a week but sometimes when I was really ill we couldn't for months. He was HD as well as me, but you know, it forces you to get creative, and I think part of the reason for being HD was that we couldn't always.
If I was able to just have it on a platter whenever I like, I don't think it would be as interesting to me.
Like if someone told me I could never have ice cream again I would be buying up all the ice cream I could find.
Maybe people should try reverse psychology and go to bed wearing PJ's and hats and completely ignore the LD spouse, that might work.
QUOTE ____________________________________________________________ Maybe people should try reverse psychology and go to bed wearing PJ's and hats and completely ignore the LD spouse ____________________________________________________________
LOL - hats! Why not gloves and a ski mask too? I doubt reverse psychology would work with my SO. I think she would just either ignore me doing that, or just get angry about it ("Why are you doing that? Can't you just accept that this is the way I want to dress for bed?"). It is a funny thought though.
I sleep without a shirt, and slept nude a few nights to see if she might start joining me but that didn't work either. I actually have stopped pushing for the whole 'sleeping nude' issue. I would love my fiancee to sleep nude, but I have given up that particular issue as a lost cause for right now. If other areas of intimacy in my relationship are restored, maybe she will eventually come around to sleeping in something more revealing.
QUOTE ____________________________________________________________ If I had a H and he expected to be naked or for me to be naked in bed, or to sleep that way every night, that would be really boring. It would ruin the sexual excitement for me as he could already see it all so there's no build up. ____________________________________________________________
It is actually the complete opposite situation for those of us dealing with SSM issues. We are dealing with LD partners who don't have any "sexual excitement". I believe that a LD individual will not want to sleep nude because they may feel their 'sleeping nude' is a physical way of stating 'I am readily available for sex'. And of course they don't want to give off this impression because, well - they are LD. Unfortunately, those of us who want our SO's to sleep nude don't necessarily look at it like that, but rather a way of building closeness and intimacy.
Two thumbs up on the new screen name - definitely an improvement!
I understand everything you are saying, and feel the same way. Have you expressed to your wife how seeing her undressed makes you feel loved, important to her, etc.? Unfortunately, it is so tough to get over that issue of her being self-conscious. My fiancee has put on about 40 lbs since I met her, and she is very self conscious about her weight. She also will not dress/undress in front of me, etc., no matter how beautiful I tell her she looks.
In Dr. Laura's book, I think it is 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands', there is an area that addresses this issue (I read the whole sex chapter in the bookstore). She talks about how husbands have a need to see their wives nude, and should not have to rely on looking at a Playboy magazine to see a nude woman. We don't need our SO's running around the house nude all the time, but it would be nice if we could see them in the shower, perhaps changing out of their clothes into pajamas, etc.
HappyGiant, When I said that my H prefers me naked, I did not mean that he prefers to SEE me naked. He rarely looks at me when I am naked in front of him.
What I meant is that he wants me to be naked while we sleep and, of course, while we ML.
There is no time in my life when my husband looks at me in an admiring or lusty way.
This is a collossal disappointment to me but what can ya do.
Thank you for your thoughts, though. I'm sure that my H shares many of them, mostly the parts on us just being us while we are ML. That is sooooo him!
Re greekgoddess If I had a H and he expected to be naked or for me to be naked in bed, or to sleep that way every night, that would be really boring. How about not boring, but usually sleeping with something on as regular and sleeping nude as something special.
I don't think sleeping nude is necessarily great, but I have done it sometimes when married. It still doesn't beat the thrill of being undressed by the man you love, though. Interesting thought for me to sift through.
What does a H do that has a wife that complains or resists slightly when her H undresses her? Is it part of the game where she wants the man to show great desire so she makes it a little difficult for him, or does she really feel insecure being undressed while ML?
Karen1 and GEL want to feel, see, and hear their H's desire. Me, hairdog's and other SSH get the evil eye for looking and wanting their wives and that may be only a few times a month or year.
I guess the differences in desire thing is larger than it should be.
Hi Jo, good to see you have someone in your life that respects you. I hope it continues.
