Oh Yoyo ~ keep on paddling that little boat. I wouldn't worry about losing it when you argue. I always have thought it is better to get things out in the open.
So when's the dinner party? :
You take care Yoyo. Hope you are taking time out to look after you
Oldtimer, Kismet - Thanks for dropping by guys. Yes, I think it will catch H off-guard if I would say "let's have her over for dinner next week".. I don't think that would ever happen.... he is still lying to her like no tomorrow... according to him, that is... Yes, I think I must accept that she will always be in his heart. I can't control him. Can't stop him. So no point in getting upset about it all. I have to detach and accept that he is going through this withdrawal... lots of interesting talk with H last night... which I will journal some.
Monday (22 May) H called me in the early afternoon to check how I was... (I was driving out-of-town for work). Later in the evening, I saw that I have 2 missed calls from H, and sent him a text to apologize for missing the calls. Next thing was that he called me and first thing he said was.. H: I tell you something..you don't be mad, okay? Me: What? You can't come back for the treasure hunt? H: Yeah... that too. But ow called me today. She works with ABC, who is XYZ's husband, and he has terminal cancer. Not long. Me: Huh.. Oh No.. (actually, I didn't hear him mention ow's name). So did you call XYZ? H: No. Not yet. Don't have her number blah blah blah. Me: What was it that I was gonna get mad about? H: I mentioned her name. ow's name. She works closely with ABC. Me: Oh. How am I supposed to react? H: Nothing. Just telling you. THe fact that I can tell you so... blah blah blah.
Anyway, Later, I did text him and said "THink friend CY would have her number. BTW, I appreciate you telling me that she called"...SOme other text exchanges.
H: Actually she IMed. Haven't spoken to her for 2 weeks. Me: So, your heart A-flutter? Blah blah blah H: I have had enough of women. They are a dangerous species!!! Me: Mmmm... I wonder what that means. Anyway, what is the update on the school? H: I have faxed the documents last week. I will call up the school administrator to f*ck him up if he doesn't reply by noon tmrw. Me: Ha ha ha... is that what you meant? Keep away from women that now you have to f*ck a HIM? Ha ha ha.
Anyway,... Later that night..Over dinner with colleagues, was laughing so much that I choked on a piece of vegetables. Texted H about it..he called and we spoke for more than 1 1/2 hours. First, laughing about the vegetable stuck in my throat, and him saying that I must have ate like a pig. Then we talked about the treasure hunt. H says the flight tickets are too expensive and asked me "how?"... I told him that maybe then he should just stay back, and go check out a pc instead with the money. Set it up so that when boys come over, they can use the PC. Told him to get a computer table and he said H: We don't need one. She shipped one work-table over Me: So she has got loads of stuff? what else in the house is her stuff? H: The butterfly chest, the shoe rack blah blah blah...but bought with MY money. She chose it, yes. But bought with my money... This led on to some relationship talk blah blah blah, which he said -
Negatives - You gave me no choice. - She will always be my friend. - She will always be in my heart. - Yes, I love her - Nothing to talk about. You guys are moving over. I have to control my feelings for her.
Positives? - I never said that I didn't love you. - I hugged you the other night. It's not that I said to myself "okay..got to hug her. I did it naturally". - Didn't you see that I am trying the last few weeks to be closer to you. - Like smoking, I need some time to get over the withdrawal symptons. - The fact that I am telling you things... - You gave me no choice, but as a wife, it's is your right to force me - I have more things in common with you than her (is that actually good??) - I ask you to come over, and we can start anew.... - Need your support. Support by not giving me "sh!t" through my withdrawal.
One thing that he said ...not sure if it's a positive or what.. I started off saying that "I can't keep my man"...and he said "aren't you doing it now?"
Anyway, he said that he felt pity for ow as he has been lying through his teeth. She trusted him. Her parents trusted him?? He was the sweet casanova as usual... He said "she must be very confused. one minute we are getting married, and the next we are breaking up...". We also talked a little bit about the stories that I've heard about ow... H said that he actually did tell ow about me saying that she does not having any boobs or butts. All, and all, I supposed I just have to continue to detach and be happy for myself. DO things for myself and not worry too much about H or ow.. (But I still thought that she was using ABC's cancer to keep in touch with my H). I guessed the long telephone conversation was a little bit difficult to digest (with bits of stuff shared between ow and H) but I guessed I have to try to see the positive in it all (very very hard to do...) that at least H is sharing his feelings and thoughts...
This morning.. H called and asked what I was doing..told him "writing my resignation letter". He chuckled and then told me that boys won't need an English Assessment for the International School...but placement confirmation would only be known in the week of 5th June. And he had sent me an email... Also said tickets are expensive, but at the same time, he would be bored over the long weekend holidays in COuntry X... so, really don't know what he is saying to me. To ask me to say "come back home regardless of the costs?" or what? Or maybe he is afraid that when he comes back, he would go see ow?? I don't know.. Really can't control it all... might as well jusf forget it...and be POSITIVE... THINK POSITIVE...BE HAPPY... LIVE THE MOMENT...
I don't post to you much because you usually seem to have it pretty well under control, but do catch up when I can. Your recent list of positives struck me.
Quote: Positives? - I never said that I didn't love you. - I hugged you the other night. It's not that I said to myself "okay..got to hug her. I did it naturally". - Didn't you see that I am trying the last few weeks to be closer to you. - Like smoking, I need some time to get over the withdrawal symptons. - The fact that I am telling you things... - You gave me no choice, but as a wife, it's is your right to force me - I have more things in common with you than her (is that actually good??) - I ask you to come over, and we can start anew.... - Need your support. Support by not giving me "sh!t" through my withdrawal.
Except for the "no choice" one, I could pretty much copy and paste that into my thread, change the hims/hers and it would be my positives too. Maybe there are some real differences but the point is that I think it's important for us to realize that just because we don't see huge, neon signs pointing to them trying to work on "us" they could very well be doing just that and THAT'S why we need to DB and not jump on every emotional moment that seems to compel us to R talk all the time.
I think you are doing GREAT and really hope all works out. I know it's hard for you to hear that he still loves her and such but it's all part of the process, a process that he admits to knowing he's going through. I see that as a good thing, as is the fact that he wants to be open with you (or at least partially open).
Hey Grasshopper, very nice of you drop in. I have been going through some of your piecing posts and some of your advice to the others, and have to say that they are good advice...
you usually seem to have it pretty well under control Wow... thanks! You should have seen me a few months ago. Was a real yoyo!!
I could pretty much copy and paste that into my thread, change the hims/hers and it would be my positives too. Wow... the WAS generally behaves similarly, don't they. I am glad that there is this board that we can share our thoughts, and experiences. This BB has helped me immensely as everyone understands the hurt, the yoyo-ing emotions, the confusion, the anger.... I have very supportive friends and all, but they are not in my shoes, and may not be able to fully understand.
I do hope things work out and even better for ALL of us!!
Journalling...
Got a text from H on Tuesday (23rd) ..said that he felt crappy. I was in an area with no coverage, so didn't receive this text till later. When I had coverage, I got a call from H...just asked about where I've been out for dinner etc etc. Asked about coverage as he tried calling earlier. Then my phone beeped on receipt of his "crappy" text. He asked "you just got the text?". Said "yeah" but I haven't read it so didn't know that he was feeling crappy. After I've read it, I sent him a text "wanna chat? you can call me when I get back to the hotel room".
Later, we had a short chat. I was rather chatty...asking him all sorts. I could tell he was a little bit down. But I didn't bring it up nor hightlight about his moodiness. Said our goodbyes..Then texted him about buying a laptop instead of PC. He texted back "will chekc on thurs. Thinking of bringing boys to Orlanda during Oct/Nov". I replied with a simple "will be fun"...then H texted back about hotel booking online etc... think he was feeling better then..
Next day (Wed)... Got a call from a friend...H's good Lawyer friend. He was very jovial, and happy and asked me "so, are you busy packing? Your H said that you all are moving to Country X". I guessed it is a baby step that H is starting to tell friends about us again, rather than ow or D.
Later, had a few texts and calls from H.... he sounded better.
Today, Thurs(25th May) Got a text in the am from H asking about the boys...and called me twice around lunch time...first time to ask about boys (and little chit chat) , second one inquired about my travel arrangement tomorrow from my work site. Said "don't want you to travel at nite on your own"...so, this sounds like is concerned about me...
Things to REMEMBER.. - Do not REACT to H's moods or words - Let go of little things.. it's probably nothing...Just Wait a little bit... - Stop thinking of the past... - Be supportive by not giving him "sh!T!" - Be appreciative of little things... - Do consider baby steps are GOOD!!!
This morning, H called me early in the morning, before his tee-off. Asked why I am only flying to Country X on Saturday 3rd, and not Monday or Tuesday (29/30 May) ...says he is bored blah blah blah... Think he is "lonely" and finds that he thinks about ow too often. Oh well, can't help him there. Can't travel earlier... have some work commitments, plus I've signed the boys up for a holiday art program for the whole of next week....but I did send him a cheeky text about me wanting to come earlier, and that my P**** misses him.. ha ha ha. H Called me again 2 hours later, and again another 1 1/2 hours later... Then some texts... told me to get an agent to either rent the house out or sell it. Up to me.... So, of course it would be just to rent it out if it is up to me...don't wanna end up with no home when we come back.
Think he is "feeling better" ...though he played badly in golf (maybe not that better yet ) but did say stuff like "ha ha ha...lost lots of money in today's round. About USD XX.." and also "should I get a tv? I want to set up the boys' room so that they can play games in their room"... so... we'll see how things go...
Hey KDK - Thanks for dropping by and your support...I do hope that he is getting clearer in the mind? I don't dare check out or dig deeper, lest some of the remnants of the "confusion" grows...
Journalling... Nothing much happening... but going to Country X for ten days tomorrow with my mom and the boys. H asked us to bring some of the stuff over to be left there... so that we would have some stuff available before our container gets shipped off...
Anyway... I can't think much nor want to.. Did wake up the other day and thought about H's "imperfections"...dwelled a little bit, and then thought to myself... am I going anywhere with such thoughts?? So, decided to chuck those thoughts away and see the positives...
Hello... Came back from Country X late last night... Overall, think it was quite a good trip. No real screaming matches between H and I. But there was one time that H was upset because S8.5 kicked his speakers off the stand and he was like going "why didn't you stop him" going over and over again... as if it was my fault. I was quite upset. But he called me later and sort of "apologise" in his own stupid way.
Anyway, I actually bought a ticket to fly to Country X next Thursday for H's birthday... and then H told me that he would not be around and that I should change me ticket. I texted him while he was at work "I hope that this is not a repeat of last year's birthday"... Immediately, he called me and asked me what happened last year... told him that he lied about having to work, but in actual fact, he spent his birthday with ow. He said that he couldn't remember and "for the sake of discussion, what if I am?" and I was like "I don't know. Don't want to hear"... and he went "Aiya...already asking you all to move over here... I will sort it out. I don't mean sort her out. I mean sort out our flights so that we can go somewhere".. so later, he texted back and told me to buy tickets for both of us to down under. So, instead of me flying to Country X, am flying to Australia with H...
My normal wife self would respond "what for? never flew before? Fly all that way for only 3 days..." but for the sake of being more fun.. I said ok...
So... Still plodding along until I officially move to Country X.
Just read GH's thread and mamabear had a good posting about looking at the positives..so this is what I will do.
I looked back on my posting about a year back...and at that time, things were really really bleak. H telling that he loves ow and wants to move out of the house, and that he may discover that ow will be all worth it (i.e. even with him throwing away our marriage, our family life etc etc) blah blah blah. He lied about being at work for his birthday,...and was with ow. Called him up and she picked up his phone. It is a horrible horrible memory.
Fast-forward to this year... I see positives... We have flight tickets to Australia for H's birthday this year. He calls me often. We are planning to be together as a family soon....(I mean there are downs,...but as mamabear says...FOCUS on the POSITIVES)
Hey yoyo keep looking at those positives. Enjoy your stay downunder. So where are you staying. Let me know if it is Cairns just so I can turn up at the airport to bop Mr yoyo on the nose. Is this romantic getaway without the boys? You lucky thing
) but did say stuff like "ha ha ha...lost lots of money in today's round. About USD XX.." and also "should I get a tv? I want to set up the boys' room so that they can play games in their room"... so... we'll see how things go...
H doesn't sound so confusing as he did he a few months ago.
Is this romantic getaway without the boys? You lucky thing