Well, it's been forever since I posted so I thought I would drop in, post an update and wallow in my pity for a little while. Maybe some of you guys can tell me what a jerk I'm being and I'll snap out of it.
So, I've noticed that my sex drive seems to go in "seasons" - there are certain times when I crave extra sex, hardcore, kinky, over the top... then there are months when I am happy with regular ole missionary, and now recently I went through a two month spell where I could care less about sex. It was like I fell out of "lust" with my wife. Also, let me state that while my sex drive changes... I am not allowed to BE kinky... it is always step 1, step 2, done...
So, here's an update on what's happened and where I am. I went through a two month spell where I could really care less about sex. Maybe my relaxed attitude about it (not groping, hinting, etc) caused my wife to perk up and take the lead. She started initiating more. We went from once a month to once every 8-15 days... She even got tipsy on wine two times and wanted to have sex on the couch, floor, cabinet, etc... one time when she was really hot to trot I decided to go for it and said "how bout me..." after giving her oral. She replied "you're kidding right?" - which I am not sure what that means. Oral is not something she does for me anymore... we don't talk about this stuff either (which is a major problem).
So, now we go through 18 days of everybody getting the flu and what-not. We're all busy as bees. I work a full time job AND moon-light in the evenings. My moonlighting job has picked up quite a bit which helps to pay the bills, but constantly puts me on the mat as to whether I am going to spend family time or get my work done.
So, I'm starting to enter a cycle where I'm more and more horny all the time. I was out of town for the weekend and wanted to jump her as soon as I got home, but once I stepped in the door I hear her saying how "tired" she is and how "everyone has been NEEDING her for one thing or the other all weekend" - so, I decided to pass and wait. The next day I'm still horny. I buy her a small valentine gift and drop it by her office when she's not looking. That night I get home and she has her face in a book all night (homework). I try to "hang around her" but I don't want to look like I'm just doing it to "put the moves on." I've got a TON of work on my computer so I retreat to the office. She tells me at 10pm that she is tired and she is going upstairs. I sit there at the computer wishing I was jumping her bones, but afraid to ask... after 25 minutes of work I open my secret stash of xxx files on the computer. After 5 minutes of watching, I am worked up enough that I'm willing to face the rejection. I go to the bedroom and confidently lean right up to her and say I'm really in the mood and would love to spend some time with her... she says "geez, can't you see it's 11pm already... I don't think so..."
So, I try to play it off and say... "hey, no problem... some other time..." I climb into bed and she finishes watching her tv show for 10 minutes then kisses me goodnight and rolls over.
The next morning she is waiting for an apology. She can't believe how insensitive I was and says that I really offended her. She gives me some time to figure out what I did. After 30 minutes I tell her that I can only guess that it is because I wait until late at night to ask her when the change is 90% she will say no... then she feels bad because she says no 90% of the time... (she told me this once...).
Well, I'm wrong. That's not it at all. After a 30 minute discussion she finally tells me that I have not spent any time with her this week. She cannot have sex without feeling an emotional bond to me. If I do not hang out with her and get close to her then she cannot have sex. Of course, we have both been swamped and there has been NO time TO have with her. I am behind on my projects because of the little time I have managed and that is not enough. I understand her and I want to feel that safe connected in-love feeling too. The problem is that I end up post-poning everything in my life and hanging out with her for two weeks (shopping, digging up rocks, whatever...) the whole while being paranoid about whether I am the cool loving guy she would want to have sex with. And then bamm... two weeks go by... no sex, I'm stressed over all the stuff I haven't gotten done...
Well, I guess that's enough for now. I don't plan on initiating anytime soon. I'll just make what time I can for her and try to shift back into that "I don't care about sex" mode that worked before.
The thing that irritates me is that I have this I feel like I have this mental list of 100 sexual things I want to do before I die and I've only managed to check off 25 of them. Sure, I should be happy... there are people who have not checked off near as many... but, maybe I should find someone who would be interested in at least looking at the list and saying "well, I could do that and that..." instead of someone who says..."I don't want to know what you're thinking... we can do what we did last time... take it or leave it."
You tell your wife what you want and need in terms of physical response, right? And then nothing changes. You know all those excuses she gives you for not wanting to have sex? "I'm tired, it's too late, kids have been hanging on me all day, yadda, yadda, yadda... "
Okay... well, she's told you she needs EC to get sexual with you... sounds like she is even willing to go there with you, has been trying...
YET. You are doing the VERY THING you accuse her of doing... dropping a ton of excuses. Here they are, in no particular order:
Quote: If I do not hang out with her and get close to her then she cannot have sex. 1. Of course, we have both been swamped and there has been NO time TO have with her. 2. I am behind on my projects because of the little time I have managed and that is not enough. 3. The problem is that I end up post-poning everything in my life and hanging out with her for two weeks (shopping, digging up rocks, whatever...) the whole while being paranoid about whether I am the cool loving guy she would want to have sex with. And then bamm... two weeks go by... no sex, I'm stressed over all the stuff I haven't gotten done...
Me, me, me, me, me....
You are postponing YOUR life to hang out with her? Really? Are you serious? And you wonder why you aren't getting laid with that attitude of yours?
Hey Geek, I have not been here for a while, but your situation sounds familiar. I have done a lot of growing this year and think I have found out at least a little of the secret. It is not wrong to want to have sex with your wife, but it is to do things in order to try to get your wife to want to have sex with you, even if it is the reason she gave you for not having sex with you. It took me a long time and a great deal of banging my head against the wall to figure out that my wife could sense when I was doing things just because and when I was doing them without regard to whether or not it would get me some trim. For close to a year now, I have tried to totally put the sex out of my head, and also stopped keeping a laundry list of the things I have done for her that should get me sex or make her want me more. I am instead doing things that do make her want me more, such as working out, spending time with her sitting in bed reading or talking about some stupid show on tv. Funny thing is this is what I was looking for all along, but only thought it was the sex I was missing out on. I was actully missing out on my wife and the companionship that had been missing all along. Once we got that back, the sex comes more often. She is even the one who comes to me and says, 'Hey, we need to get together tonight'.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
I started thinking a lot about WHY I avoid spending time with my wife. Well, it's true we both have very busy schedules. But, when I am around her lately she seems to be complaining every time. She's either got to tell me how horrible her professor is or how rotten her day was, or the lady at the church committee who is being a B. If she is not complaining about that, then she is telling me something I forgot or I'm not doing or I need to do...etc.
So, why would I WANT to hang out with someone like that? I get up at 6am and go,go,go till 9pm at night. Then she can be found staring at the TV so I go do my computer work. I've tried going in there and watching TV with her, but she doesn't seem to notice and definately doesn't count it as quality time so why miss out on what I enjoy (getting work done on computer).
So, now for the next chapter in this saga.
I read everything you guys say and I decide to schedule some time. I have heard about a new coffee shop on the radio that has live music, soup and sandwiches in the old district of town. So, when she gets home I say "hey, what are you doing Friday night? how bout we go out and spend some time together..." she is still upset about our discussion that morning (where she had to get on me for not paying enough attention). So, she quickly snaps... "where? doing what?" after I tell her she says "who is playing... I don't even know them... why would I want to go...?"
So, we have another discussion about how horrible a person I am for not seeing her... for making her feel invisible... for not hearing her...
This morning when I get up I have 10 extra minutes that I'm waiting on the kids so I decide to go up and hang out with her while she is drying her hair. Then, when she comes down she makes a negative comment about my coat. Then, even though I don't say anything she gets upset that I'm "rolling my eyes" - even though I don't feel like I've done anything. I tell her she is over reacting and then as she walks out the door she tells me she doesn't appreciate me squashing her opinions.
GEEZ. I have just about had enough of this...
vent vent vent vent
so, I've got a busy day today... but, rather than take care of some errands at lunch I will stay in my office because there is a 5% change she just might come by looking for me and if she does and I'm not here I will definately hear it when I get home.
So, again... why am I supposed to WANT to be around this person?
If this has been going on for a while, it will take a while to get it working again. You must be steadfast in your attempts. If she rejects you or seems to come back with negative comments, blow it off and try again tomorrow or tonight. It will take her a while to build her trust in you again. I know it sounds like a load of crap for you to deal with, but what would you rather do? Keep on the way things are going, or put whatever effort it takes for however long, and eventually be where you both want to be.
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
You say your wife is negative. Yet your entire post is a complete judgement about HER behavior, with a very negative twist, I might add. There is a difference between 'judging' and 'discerning/assessing.'
Quote: why am I supposed to WANT to be around this person?
yes, I understand what you are saying that is why I put the words "vent vent vent" in my post. I understand that I am in a very negative frame of mind.
The thing is - I feel she is a hypocrite a lot of the time. She can berate me for not being sensitive to HER needs. Yet, months ago when we last spoke about sex she said "I am not interested in reading any book about sex (SSM)" and "This is the way I am and I'm not going to change... take it or leave it" - "Why can't you just accept me for the way I am?"
Then, she calmed down and said things like "if we get to the right place I can see us having sex once a week" AND "you know, we should talk about sex... maybe we can start with email conversations and go from there"
Well, you want to know what happened? 24 hours later she emailed me and said "you know, I was wrong... there's no way I could ever have sex once a week so don't get your hopes up... I really think once every two weeks would be pushing it" - and I emailed her three times with simple "how bout an email about sex communication" and they all went unanswered so I gave up.
When HER needs are not being met the whole house knows about it and we better jump. I get the riot act every time I don't tend to her needs because I'm insensite...
YET, when it is MY needs... I'm needy, pushy, demanding, etc. even though I practically do nothing to threaten her (I don't think initiating once every two weeks should be a threat... no groping, no lewd talk... geez.
I just get in these negative frames of mind where I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to be with a woman who met or challenged my sex drive. I know it's not helpful, but I can't help it.
Just curious....after reading this last post (and yes, I know you are venting)...have you ever put it just this way to her? If you haven't stop holding it in an tell her this is how it appears to you.
1. everything seems fine 2. she mentions something is wrong 3. if things don't change asap we have another talk and she says that it ALWAYS happens and it NEVER changes (our counselor and several books I have read say that you should never use these words since things are usually not ALWAYS and NEVER). 4. she will take whatever the situation is and multiply it by 100. For example... I forget to take out the trash once every 6 months and she will say "this happens EVERY WEEK" 5. any attempt that I make to defend myself is seen as finger pointing, tit-for-tat, or trying to place blame on her 6. I avoid her for a few days and try to placate her and then we start again at step 1.
