Hello, well I talked with my insurance company last night and it seems as if my new coverage does not cover MC, or Individual Counceling...only family.
So, with C's in my area reaching over $100 per session, and us really, really not being able to fit even one session in a month, we are not able to go see a MC. It really makes me sad because I think that it's the only way our R is going to get better. H asked me why I seemed so sad last night and I told him that it was because we couldn't afford to see a MC and said, "what, we had a great weekend last weekend, i thought things were going better?" I had to chuckle to myself and think that one nice weekend and he thinks all is healed...wtf?
So, my question is, any advice on doing things on my own?
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Nicky, What about reading relationship books together, particularly the ones with exercises to be completed? We found those helpful, in the sense that it brought up topics that we'd never think of discussing on our own.
Another thing might be to schedule a marriage encounter weekend.
Or start a relationship journal where you each write in it, perhaps the things that you would..at this point..feel uncomfortable saying to each other.
Schedule regular Cheap Dates with each other. I don't know if you have kids and/or babysitter issues to consider, tho.
There is a really good thread on here somewhere about Marriage Rituals. This is a good starting point for two people who have grown apart and are trying to reconnect. Creating new ways to connect might be the thing that keeps you both working towards a better R. For example, schedule a time once per week where you sit down with a glass of wine and you each get to air one grievance from the previous week. Or ask an interesting question. Or...you get the point. Obviously I'm a chick so my suggestions are going to be heavily girly. Your H might pick a more manly pursuit and suggest that you two work out 3 days a week or something like that.
A few years ago I bought a marriage book with the intent of reading it with H and doing the exercises. He couldn't be bothered with it. I put it away, feeling sad.
Well, this past week H asked where it was, he wanted to read it! I fished it out in record time, lol, and he's actually been reading it. Today he even took it to work in order to read on his lunch break.
My point? Miracles do happen.
Keep at it, you never know what good things are in store.
Talk to a C and tell them your insurance dielmna...often it's in how they do their coding in their billing that makes the difference. For example....my insurance doesn't pay for MC'ing. But it does pay for individual....our C makes the appointment under one of our names (usually my H's because he's got what they can term a diagnosable condition, i.e. trust issues) and bills that way....when in reality, we are both going to the sessions, we are both talking....and we are working on OUR M.
Really, get someone on the phone for a brief phone interview and tell them your insurance sitch too. If nothing else they may refer you to someone they know can help you
Retrouvaille! (See my previous post.) No couple is ever turned away for financial reasons. They usually charge $100-$250 as a deposit for the weekend (hotel costs) and then ask for a donation during the weekend, but if you can't afford that, they will waive it.
Also, definitely see if a MC will code under a different category. This is a frequent problem and counselors will often know of a way "around it".
Darlingnicky When I was in that same position with my first wife, yes we did eventually get divorced, we went to MC at a local women's center. The sessions were $20 and the MC was great. She couldn't help save my marriage, but I saw her for years afterward and she probably saved my life!
Thank you for all of your advice. I did speak with a MC and my insurance and I have been able to get us in together and have them code it as "family therapy", which my insurance does cover. It is such a relief. Now just to get my H there!
I will check in to Retrouvaille, I have read up on it a little bit, but will check it out more.
Since H is so uncomfortable with sharing his thougths with a stranger, I really think the book ideas is a great idea. I have heard a few people mention the Love Languages book. Any good suggestions?
We talked a little last night, I was pretty excited when I found a MC that would work with us and the insurance. But H said he didn't want to go and that we should give it one more go on our own. This is the fourth time he's said that.
I don't want to hurt him by saying, we have to fix this now, or else there isn't going to be anything to fix. But at the same time, he is hurting me by not trying. He says that the sterotype is true that guys just don't have deep feelings about this kind of stuff.(after I asked him what it was he felt I could do to make our situation better for him). But I know that is crap, because I hear the pain of the HDM on this board and know they miss the EC in their R. So, I responded to him and said, "Well, there is a sterotype that all men want is sex and my husband doesn't want sex." He responded with, I like sex, I just don't have the need to do it. ???
Okay, so my next question is...what have any of you done, that's been successful, to encourage your spouse to WANT it more??
Thank, Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
It's time to call him on this. You are going to have to put your foot down at some point, or things will continue on the way they are. Look him straight in the eyes and ask him why suddenly working on things on your own is going to work. It hasn't worked in the past.
I have a feeling you are in the spot I was at a few years ago when I had to put my foot down with my H about C'ing. I literally had to tell him (on our anniversary) that if we didn't seek counseling...we wouldn't be having another anniversary.
darlingnicky, sometimes you just have to say what needs to be said. If you truly feel that if you two don't seek out therapy then there won't be anything to save, you need to say so. It's not easy to say, I know that, but you have to. So far, he's been saying "lets do this on our own" and it's not working.....but you also aren't making him step up, because there aren't any consequences to him not working on it.....so his behavior isn't likely to change because he doesn't see that you are serious about the consequences.
I think you are at a crossroads, it's time to draw that boundary and be firm about it. Ask him. "Do you want this to work or not?" If the answer is yes, then it's time to try something else, you've tried doing things his way and nothing has changed, so now it's tiem to try a different route....and counseling is it.
Honestly nicky....putting my foot down and getting us into counseling is the best thing I ever could have done for our M. My H didn't see it at the time I know, but today he does.
Quote: He says that the sterotype is true that guys just don't have deep feelings about this kind of stuff.(after I asked him what it was he felt I could do to make our situation better for him). But I know that is crap, because I hear the pain of the HDM on this board and know they miss the EC in their R. So, I responded to him and said, "Well, there is a sterotype that all men want is sex and my husband doesn't want sex." He responded with, I like sex, I just don't have the need to do it. ???
It's quite possible that he is telling the truth. What he is saying is that he is happy with the R as it is. Instead of trying to tell him that he's "wrong" for not wanting sex, which is only going to put him on the defensive, I think a better tactic would be to tell him that you are aware that he's happy with the status quo but YOU AREN'T. And that you will be attending counseling, with or without him, as a way to gain some personal happiness in an unfulfilling marriage.
Quote: Instead of trying to tell him that he's "wrong" for not wanting sex, which is only going to put him on the defensive, I think a better tactic would be to tell him that you are aware that he's happy with the status quo but YOU AREN'T.
I think this is a much better way of thinking. I am guilty of thinking that it's wrong to not want sex or desire sex (or any physical touch for that matter). I guess I don't understand.
GEL:
Quote: .....so his behavior isn't likely to change because he doesn't see that you are serious about the consequences.
You are very right. I have said that I see our marriage ending if things don't improve or that I can't spend the rest of my life in a platonic marriage, but I have never said, if X doesn't improve, I am leaving.
The truth is is that I don't want to leave. I love my "family" and I really love him and want to be with him...there isn't anyone else. I have no desire to go out and have an affair. And the thought of using me leaving as a scare tactic makes me sick to my stomach.
I don't know...part of my problem is that I just don't believe that everything is fine with him. I am so insecure about myself and him not wanting me. I just have this laundry list of things in my head of why he doesn't desire sex. I of course take it personally, never thinking that maybe he doesnt' desire sex with anyone. I always think, if only I was...in better shape, if I was prettier, if I did more around the house, if i made more money in my job. I can't seem to be able to come to terms with maybe, just maybe, he is telling me the truth.
Sorry for rambling..I really aprreciate everyone's advice.
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
FWIW....you are going through the same things we all have gone through. But, it's not you. You know what...my H also used to tell me he NEVER thought about sex, but he does...however he became conditioned not to admit it, or to ignore those twinges of desire.
Are you able to envision yourself living in thie R the way it is for the rest of your life? If not, then it's up to you to do something that's going to get his attention....so that he really takes you seriously. I'm sure your H loves you, just as mine loves me....the thought of really losing me and our family as he knows it....was enough to get him to the counselor with me at the very least.
