I h a d a s u p e r b w e e k e n d!! Too much to write all the details, I'll try to keep it short (who – me?)
-Saturday breakfast with friends, fun and business, bringing horse for me to work with horse and person and made plans with her for this weekend and potential getaway this summer.
-Ended up with H on some unexpected errands, it was nice but weird to be out and about with him to different businesses again.
-I let H know what time I/we had to leave for my work party. I didn’t ask if he was coming.
-I had a busy day to make final preparations for Sundays event, a whirlwind!
-About 2pm, I said by 3pm I had to be in the shower to leave by 4pm and be on time to the party. Pick up two other ladies on the way that needed rides. Are you coming? So I know if you are loading stuff for tomorrow or if I need to now and do chores early. He shrugged his shoulders. No way was he going to answer me, if anyone recalls I had asked him to respond please. Them’s fightin’ words!
-He did decide to come along, I showered and he was waiting for me in the bedroom. Tickle/wrestle again.
The evening was nice. I socialized, I bought H a drink (I had diet cokes lined up 3 deep for me, another story ), handed it to him, he was surprised but said thanks. We had plenty of laughs, good conversation, he knows plenty of people, and I won the BIG prize for the night. Overall, I WAS great! What was missing? Being close, sharing a husband/wife look across the room, touching, holding hands, coming home and topping off the night. Now, before you all send cyber daggers, I did finally test the pulse on being close. When I went to bed I brushed my teeth first, H waited by the open bathroom door. Oh geez, now what? I looked at him, gave him a hug and said good night. It was like hugging a tree.
Sunday morning, up bright and early and off to big event and benefit. H wasn’t ready at designated time, so I left without him. I decided not to wait and be late, again. He had a truck to take over anyway to display for the local dealer we do business with, so we weren’t riding together, and I saw no reason for both of us to be late and hold up other people already there. I waved to him across the yard, and left. The day went sooo fast, I had a blast! Talked to lots of people, friends, acquaintances, people stopped me to talk to me, ask questions, one gal even commented how good I look (confidence?), and my OWB radar detector never went off. The benefit concluded the day, it was a good success! H and I received an award for our World Champ stallion, pics for news articles, etc. 4 people in the picture, H and I didn’t stand next to each other.
We left at the same time, arrived home separate. H had to make a stop somewhere. By this time I was crashing, I could feel myself coming down fast. It was all over, and I hit hard. I was tired and drained, exhausted mentally and emotionally and physically, I had stayed on this high for so long, I could finally allow myself to slide off. H arrived home, I asked about unloading everything right away, as I wanted to watch the Super Bowl. His comment, “I don’t care what time you watch the super bowl or when it comes on.” I could have blown up, but did I care if he cared? I changed clothes and went outside. Soon he came out too, and we finished most everything, I came in and crashed on the couch just in time for kickoff. And slept on and off thru out the game. I had lots of puter work and paperwork to do from the day, and was up late working on that stuff. H had laid down, on the couch, kept getting up, and by the time I went to bed he had every light in the house on. What for? Don’t know, except to bug me. That’s what he does.
Couple things irritate me, well, more than a couple, but these are some anyway. There was a silent auction at the benefit. H ended up with high bid on a shirt that I wanted, but I never had time to bid on it. He came to ‘flaunt’ it that he had it. I said it was sort of a girly shirt, did you get it for me? I don’t remember the exact words he used, but it alluded that if he couldn’t use it and it was a girly shirt I wouldn’t get it. Another lady there even said something to him about Valentines present, yeah right. Anyway, at night H tried it on, it’s too small for him. He wanted me to try it on, right now. Well, I was at the computer, and as I had already crashed from the day, I was in sweat shirt and sweat pants. Which means I would have to take my shirt off, and he insisted. I am glad for silk undershirts, and glad that I had one on.
This morning, he came in the bedroom when I was getting ready for work. Anyone see a pattern? He has come to the bedroom more in the last 10 days than in almost 4 months. And guess what? I don’t like it. I don’t understand what is happening, what is he doing? Wants to be intimate? Then show me instead of tickle me. Want to be my friend? Then talk to me, connect with me on an emotional level, don’t shut me out, share your life with me. I know, more cyber daggers on the way. He’s trying, look at the positives. Tonight, I was outside choring just at dark, I left the lights off, the moonshine is getting so bright and pretty again. I was up and down the aisle, singing to myself, and here comes H. We walk with purpose towards each other, we get close, I cheerily said Hi, he responded, and started talking. All that was missing was a big hug. But I didn’t want to hug a tree again.
I am watching, but from a distance. I am liking where I am at mentally and emotionally for now. I am thinking, feeling emotions again, I feel like I am living, and it's taken me 2 1/2 years to get here. It's not all happy, I’m still confused, I don’t know where my marriage is headed, but I am living and feeling. Like from an old movie, A Star is Born. Kris Kristofferson, Barbara Streisand.
Watch closely now, Are you watching me now I’m the master magician Who’ll help you escape From the lies you’ve been told When they’re breaking your back Bring the last straw to me I turn straw into gold I break chains made of boredom that others have lived With for years I leave good news on doorsteps And laughs where there used to be tears I’m gonna need you later When you’re not around But I can take it I won’t look down
Watch Closely Now Are you watching me now Watch Me Now!
I got no cyber daggers for you. Although, I'm sure someone will come along and point out all the REALLY GREAT positives in your post. I'm just too lazy right now, and they are pretty obvious, so you should already be focusing on them, right?
But, I do want to highlight the whole feeling-alive-again feeling you're talking about. Yeah for you!!!! As confusing as everything else is, atleast you know that much you are handling well, right? Maybe you'll figure the stuff with H out and maybe you won't. But, you are alive again, so hang on to that!
Thanks, Opti! Lazy? or worn out from being a new homeowner?
Focus on the positives, I'm not sure. That hasn't worked for me in the past, so shouldn't I quit doing it? Do something that works? And right now, what works is just focusing on me, how I feel, let my thoughts drift and feel what I am thinking. It's not all pleasant, there's a lot of hurt and pain, but if I don't feel that I drown my happiness as well. I think I've spent so much time focusing on the marriage and baby steps and little positives, that I would get out of focus. I will accept the positives, but not focus on them. It's gotten me too hyped up and expecting more, and then it all goes backwards. Will it ever come back full force? will we ever be real with each other again? Like I've said before, there is a Grand Canyon gap, it's hard to look at something so minute and say Yeah!! I've focused on winning the race, what will I do if I win the prize? How will I feel if all these little positives really add up to H wanting back in our M? I don't know those answers, yet.
Items of honorable mention - - at work party the other night, Associates introduced themselves and who was with them. I introduced H as my cowboy, not husband. He noticed.
- message on home phone from someone letting H know information about a group he was inquiring for. It is OWB's group. (I am going to rename Other Woman B!tch to B!itch Other Woman, it goes along with last summers puppy story - bow wow. ) Anyway, H is making inquiries for BOW's group. Isn't that special?
- Crabby when he got home last night. I had sent him a txt mssge to please check livestock when he got home from skiing, I had to do a roundup earlier in the evening, and I asked him to check that they were all still put. Came in and I asked if he had checked, and in his irritating grating tone of voice he said NO. Okay, not my problem.
- H was up early walking around this morning, looking out the window near the bedroom door. I made some comment, he walked in by the bed to talk to me and ALMOST apologized for what he said last night, he just saw my txt mssge this morning, I moved over and opened the covers, and he got in bed with me. Mostly we listened to the weather and the news, now why couldn't some significant song come on today? Like the one the other day - A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, too bad it has to be with someone new! Alright - so here's my reaching out for the day, my feeler. I love(d) to lay next to H in bed, and touch from shoulder all the way down to our toes. Today he laid close enough we were touching shoulder to hips, I moved my leg next to his to touch full body, side by side. Not even two seconds and he moved away. A few more minutes, time to get up, but he started a tickle fest again. I had to wrestle my way out bed this morning. What's wrong with just being close? we can't hug, I can't touch him, but he wants to tickle me.
- yesterday morning H called me at work for no apparant reason, just to mention a conversation he just had with a guy
- I bought some Valentine M&M's yesterday. and started eating it.
- The FedEx man just came in for a pick up, we exchanged a few sentences, smiled and laughed, and then he winked at me. Now, if that was my H, you would all be saying OH, what a positive!! But really, isn't this just day to day life? part of daily interactions with people? Just because the guy laughed and winked doesn't mean we will have a great relationship. At this point, I don't feel much different about my H.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
OK, WCW, I'm going to level with you...and I might regret it, because I know you're supposed to always look at the little baby steps, always look at the positives, always keep saying always... But, one could also say this is like trying to live off the tiny scraps the your S sends your way. AND having to be grateful about it! WTF?!?!?
Quote: Focus on the positives, I'm not sure. That hasn't worked for me in the past, so shouldn't I quit doing it? Do something that works?
Quote: I think I've spent so much time focusing on the marriage and baby steps and little positives, that I would get out of focus.
Quote: Like I've said before, there is a Grand Canyon gap, it's hard to look at something so minute and say Yeah!!
Quote: The FedEx man just came in for a pick up, we exchanged a few sentences, smiled and laughed, and then he winked at me. Now, if that was my H, you would all be saying OH, what a positive!! But really, isn't this just day to day life? part of daily interactions with people? Just because the guy laughed and winked doesn't mean we will have a great relationship. At this point, I don't feel much different about my H.
You know what I have to say to all this?..."You're right." You're right. You're right. You're right. And if I was being a good DBer I'd add "so now are you HAPPY, or just right." But, I'm not going to do that. Probably because I'm getting a little tired of all the putting-aside-of-your-needs-for-the-WAS stuff right now (pessamistic "Optimist2004" talking ). But, more importantly because...you DO seem to be at least happIER.
I know you follow Piglet's threads, and I have tried to keep up now and again. So, I think you'll understand when I say you seem to be moving in her direction a little. You're detaching. But, will H start treating you right before you go from detachING to being totally detached (i.e. a WAS yourself)?
THANK YOU, Opti! That's the point I am trying to get across, I've been looking at baby steps for so long, but the baby never walks, just plops back down on it's diaper full of sh!t. Maybe it is me, it is my fault. I've been told before that whenever it starts happening and getting closer that I shut him off (Kiwi, are you jumping in here to give me perspective?). I don't want to do that, but what is different this time for ME is that I am not going to hold my breath for the next baby step. I/ME/this person I am is going to keep walking ahead, making plans for this weekened, for next month, for the summer. H can come along, but I'm not waiting around and I'm not dragging him with me. He has to be a willing partner. I think this is what I've been missing for so long, that I finally have to move ahead with me/my life, and find my happiness. I don't plan to and am not trying to shut him out, but I can't make him come with me to find happiness. In fact, he went and found his somewhere else. So maybe that's just it, we won't have happiness together as a married couple, and I'm finally understanding.
I also know that it is easy to sit and say this now, because he still comes home every night, he still helps around here, he does help financially. When/if that changes, I will be devasted, for a while. I know it, I love the man I married, I wish I had him back. I will always love that man, but he doesn't exist anymore, and will never exist in the same capacity. I wish I had the man I had before he hurt me so bad that I don't know if I can recover from that, and he doesn't even know it or care enough to ask about it.
I spent the last months of 2005 feeling so sure that as soon as the holidays were over H would be gone. He is still here. Does that mean we will grow old together? No. But it taught me that I don't want to sit around and wait for it to happpen if it does. I was miserable, I was consumed by what might happen, and it didn't. I started 2006 at a party by myself, because H wouldn't come with me. While it wasn't what I preferred to do, it also felt like a weight I wasn't dragging anymore. And I've kept going.
What can I do to bring H back to me? nothing. He has to come back on his own. And he has a lot of bridges to build to get back, to get me back.
Sound pretty tough, don't I? I wonder what I will do if he ever initiates a hug again.
I read a lot on this board, probably too much. Some folks have become friends, and a very close friend that I cherish. But I try hard to remember that my ride is not the same as everyone else, not to get sucked in by what someone else is saying. One of my goals used to be to be a DB Success Story. I don't know anymore if I can make it. Have I lost my passion for saving my marriage? or just redirected it to saving myself. I think saving myself is a good step in any direction.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Just read your thread for 1st time and wanted to share my experience with you... My H moved out and started seeing other woman nearly 2 years ago. For the 1st year he kept coming back all the time and stopping 2/3/4 nights a week. Then eventually he moved back in. BUT he was still seeing OW. I DB and got on with my life for so long until one day I just got to apoint where I gave up. I had had enough, I went out 1 night met someone else and that was it. My H moved out - couldnt stand it, jealous etc etc. For 8 months I enjoyed a lovely new relationship. My obessession about my H and making my marriage work faded becuase I had a new man to focus on and i was really happy.. Was convinced i had made right decision. BUT 2 months later, my H started instigating things with me again. Honeymoon period with BF had worn off and I started having feelings for my H again. So where am I now??? Kind of back where I started. Trying to see if I can try again with my H, who still will not give up OW at the moment but who wants to take things with me slowly... Nitemare - my advice is go with how you feel but do make sure you feel as near to 100% sure about what you do... Looking back I rushed into a new relationship to basically take the focus off my H. On the re-bound as they say!! And it did help short term, but long term I am only back in the same situation now, yes ok I feel alot stronger than before .
I suppose what I am trying to say is dont give up completely until you really feel you can follow it through. It sounds from you thread that you are doing a great job of getting on with your own life anyway... I think your H will come round but it could be a long time... keep looking after yourself - its the best solution..
WCW saving yourself will be the only way your M is worthwhile. Focus on your happiness without being too selfish and everything else will fall into place.
BTW tomorrow is day 14 for my hell and nothing has changed. I'm ok though, I have a new direction.
), handed it to him, he was surprised but said thanks. We had plenty of laughs, good conversation, he knows plenty of people, and I won the BIG prize for the night. Overall, I WAS great!
) Anyway, H is making inquiries for BOW's group. Isn't that special?
and started eating it. 
