We've been separated 16 months now and WAW's A is in it's 21st month.
I've been out of town for a few days and sick for a few, but I'm back.
Update: Last Friday, WAW stopped by in the AM to drop off DD's things on the way to work. (They stayed w/her while I was out of town). She asked about doing the taxes this year. Last year, I wanted to do the taxes together, file jointly like nothing happened. She agreed to file jointly, but wanted no parts of doing the taxes together. She said "next year we would be filing separately". On Friday she was almost in tears saying that if we filed separately she wouldn't be able to take any deductions and didn't know where she was going to get the $ to pay her taxes. I told that I didn't look at the taxes yet and that I would let her know soon.
Later I received a call from the attorney that is representing me. We have a new court date for the custody hearing. It just happens to be on one of the D's birthday. WAW may have already known this and it was also making her upset.
WAW's dad had a serious operation last week as well. He is doing OK now, but it had to be on her mind.
As so often happens these days, I'm looking at the tax sitch from two side: 1) Should I do my taxes in a way that I feel most accurately represents our sitch or 2) Should I do my taxes in a way that lessens the tax burden of WAW? Is chosing the latter DB'ing or "Enabling"?
I really have no idea of what to do about the custody hearing. I want to shield DD's from the hurt that will surely come from the proceedings, but I am not the one who initiated the suit. It is not mine to "call off". (The suit comes down to DD's sleeping over 2 nights a week at WAW's apt.) (Funding her L must also be straining her finances.)
Good to see you start a new thread. It's too bad you have to go to court over this but hopefully it will be over with quickly. I'm wishing you luck with this. I know it will be hard for you.
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
It's too bad you have to go to court over this but hopefully it will be over with quickly. I'm wishing you luck with this. I know it will be hard for you.
I don't know, I look at this custody case kind of like a super bowl. Sometimes there's a lot of hype for what really happens. Then again sometimes it really is a struggle. Know what I mean?
I've been reading a book about custody cases. (aimed at women, hard to find one to match my sitch.) So far I've learned that for a "family" of 4 involved in a custody dispute, there are 2 winners and 4 losers. If you guessed that the 2 winners are the lawyers, you were right! L's can "churn" custody cases to draw them out and fatten their wallets/purses. I have no experience with this, and I admit that I am biased toward my side of the case, but I just can't see a judge, after understanding the facts of the case, ruling in any other way than saying, "I think the schedule as it stands now is fine, let's keep it that way." If I'm right, why didn't WAW's L advise her that she was wasting her $? But like I said, I'm biased toward my side. So heading into the "meeting", I'm cautiously confident and optimistic.
I've decided to talk to a tax expert regarding the taxes and do my taxes in a way that is most beneficial to me. I feel that if I "sacrifice" what's beneficial to me in order to lighten WAW's tax "burden", then I'm funding the A and I don't want to support the A in any way at all. Just one of my boundaries.
I've been reading a book about custody cases. The book says that the worst way to settle them is to let the lawyers drag them through the courts.
H
Reply from WAW:
Quote: I'm sure that is true, but we can't seem to come up with any agreement.
I'd like to reply and be sesitive to and validate her feelings, but I don't want her to get the impression that I'm giving away the store. I'd like to reply:
That's true, I agree. I'd like to try to come to an agreement to spare all of us all that's involved in going through this.
I really do want to spare DD's this grief. Right now, I feel like I stink at validating WAW's feelings.
On taxes: This was my offer to H year before last: I would figure my taxes in the way most advantageous to me. Then I would figure them jointly, and H could file that way as long as I got the same as I was getting alone. For example: If alone I got a $2000 refund, then jointly we got a $2500 refund, I'd still get 2k and he'd get $500. If jointly we only got $1500, then he could pay me the additional $500, which would still be far less than the 4000 he'd owe filing separately with no deductions. Either way I came out the same and if I could help him out, that's fine too. However, I respect what you said about setting boundaries, and it really might be best to set them early on.
As logical as my offer sounds, it didn't work out for us. Our draft separation agreement said we'd file jointly if "advantageous to both parties". I correctly interpreted this as being if it worked out best for both we'd file jointly, but if another way was better, one could opt out. H insisted it was what's best for BOTH of us (meaning him). We exchanged several nasty emails before I just gave up and lost about $700. Last year I didn't make the same offer, he hadn't changed his deductions, and ended up owing several thousand dollars. His poor planning was not my problem.
On the custody: does your W really want to be able to come to an agreement between yourselves? It's not possible to tell that from what she wrote. She states you can't, but doesn't say she wishes you could.
On the custody: does your W really want to be able to come to an agreement between yourselves? It's not possible to tell that from what she wrote. She states you can't, but doesn't say she wishes you could.
Actually she states that we can't seem to come up with any agreement. Maybe I'm looking at this thru rose glasses, but the word seem takes some of the edge off of the word can't. I feel like she is still willing to try to come to an agreement.
I read on HeatherG's thread a post by NYSurvivor about a book he read on validation called "I Don't Have to Make Everything Better" by Gary & Joy Lundberg. I've read the first 3 chapters and I think that it will help me with validating WAW's feelings of missing DD's, but at the same time leaving responsibility for the problem with her.
I'm thinking of a reply along the lines of I understand that you want to spend more time w/DD's. I'm willing to share some of the time that, since our separation, they have been solely with me, but I still feel strongly that they need to start and end each school day from home. This way I acknowledge her feelings, acknowledge that I am willing to negotiate, but keep my boundaries in place.
I did send this email to WAW yesterday. I received no reply.
I understand that you want to spend more time w/DD's. I will listen to any ideas that you have. I believe that DD's need to start and end each school day from home.
To me it says, "I know that you miss seeing DD's at breakfast. I open to listening to you. I have set a boundary." Can I do any better than that?
Received email from WAW this AM stating that she will pick up DD's from school to go to the meeting tomorrow. I interpret this to mean that she doesn't want to come to an agreement.
I really do have two opposite opinions of how tomorrow will go. First, I feel cautiously confident b/c I really don't see how anyone could objectively look at the sitch and say that it is best for DD's to bounce back and forth. The other side of the coin is that I really can't understand some of the cr@p that goes on in our government these days and so I have a fear that what seems logical to me will actually seem logical to another.
I've noticed that in other cases of marital strife, the sitch is sometimes "turned around" after a major crisis in the life of the WAS. Sometimes its a death in their family, sometimes its the LBS starting an R w/someone else. If the custody schedule is not changed, then I wonder if this will be a light to WAW's tunnel.
I haven't flaunted my Christian beliefs in this forum, but if any of you are inclined to pray, I'd appreciate you including DD's in your prayers today and tomorrow.
Good luck tomorrow. I have you and your DD's in my prayers. Hopefully, things can be agreed upon quickly and without much hurt for DD's. Wishing you all the best...
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Thanks for checking in. No everything did not go OK yesterday. The meeting was scheduled for 10:45. L&I arrived at 10:40. At noon the meeting had not yet started so I told L that I had to put more quarters in the parking meter. Asked if he had an idea of when the meeting would start. He said that the 8:30 meeting was still going on and there were 3 more meetings scheduled before ours. He said to put enough quarters in to make it to 12:30 then we would leave. At 12:30 L&I leave. Critical mistake: L did not tell me to take DD's back to school. I left w/o DD's. I go back to work. At 1:15 D14 calls from WAW's cell phone and asks where I am. I say "At work". She echos, "At Work?" I hear WAW echo "At work?!?". D14 asks if I'm coming back. I say no, the meeting was scheduled for 10:45 and it never happened. I come home from work to find that the meeting occurred at 3:15. WAW & DD's stayed for the meeting. I was pissed! I wrote a letter to L this AM saying that what happened was completely and utterly disgusting.
Today I am ready to throw in the towel. After 3 1/2 years I've had enough. I'm ready to file for D and full custody and take it all from WAW. I am thourghly and utterly disgusted with all this BS.
Today, I went to my brother's house and we watched the movie "Waiting...", just the mindless entertainment I needed. Later we raced his slot cars, just like when we were kids, back when life was simpler and more fun.
