W told me Oct 30 that she had affair and was ending it. I am 33 years old, W is 31, and we have 4 yr old D. OM is 20 yrs old! I live in Baton Rouge, LA and OM was from the Little Rock office, and she met him at a training in Chicago. They had initially exchanged some innocent emails, then started talking some on the phone, etc. He eventually made a couple of trips to Baton Rouge.
She gave me the "love but not in love" speech, but wanted to repair the marriage, she said. After being very angry for two days, I forgave her and made some changes that she felt were necessary and some that she didn't but I thought would help anyway. Until that day, I had no idea our marriage was in trouble, but I refocused my life on making her happy and repairing the marriage.
Unfortunately, W decided to resume contact with OM, thinking that she could just be friends. Of course, the feelings for both of them eventually returned (just after Christmas).
After she refused MC and said she couldn't live without him in her life, I then made the mistake of kicking her out (Jan 8), and did so in a not very friendly way, stupidly hoping to "wake her up" to what she was doing to herself and her family. She went to Little Rock for 3 days and came back demanding D.
Fortunately for me, we have a Louisiana Covenant Marriage, so she has to live apart from me for 2 years before she can get a divorce (though I could file right away if I wanted to, because of the adultery).
Anyway, after being very angry for a while and nearly filing for a legal separation and going through a custody fight, I realized that this wasn't the way to save my marriage. I read Michele's book and some others and now better understand her and am just focusing on loving her and applying DB principles.
She has gone to visit OM or his parents (who support this sick relationship) every weekend now for the past 3 weeks, even though that is a 7 hr drive. He is moving down to BR tomorrow (but not in with her), which scares me and also seems to be an opportunity, because a fantasy is easier to maintain from a distance, and now that she will be seeing him every day, she may realize that he isn't a very good choice for her.
Anyway, our R has been improving steadily for the last 3 weeks, especially since I decided to start applying these principles. I've been very friendly, but haven't been calling her. A friend of hers convinced her to go to MC, and she said yes "because it would help us parent together after the D." Our first session was Thursday and was good. She knows that the affair is wrong, but doesn't want to end it and doesn't feel that she is capable of ending it. We talked with C about some things that led to emotional distance between us before the affair, and I think it was good to realize that the problems we discussed were all things that could be fixed.
She's been lonely since OM has been in Little Rock and her parents and family don't know how to act around her. Last night, I decided to go for it and ended up getting her into bed for some awesome sex. It was probably rushing things a little, but I wanted to try to throw a monkey wrench into her plans to help him move down this weekend. I also thought it was important because OM's passion seems to be his major selling point.
She said last night that she felt "confused" and said "I don't know what that was, but it felt gooooood." She jokingly asked if I was going to tell OM that she had "cheated" on him with me (she knows that I have his email address and we sent each other a couple of emails). She told me that she loved me, but she still flew to Little Rock to ride back down with him as he moves to BR.
We are supposed to see MC again Tuesday morning, and I really don't know what to expect. Is she going to be mad at herself for sleeping with me, and therefore be very cold towards me, or will she still have a gleam in her eye when she thinks about last night? I really don't know.
I also don't know what to expect out of MC. The C told her on Thursday that she can't really work on her marriage as long as OM is in the picture and offered to help her end it, but she said she didn't think she could do it. He wanted us to meet together one more time so that he can get a more complete picture of our R before meeting with us individually. I'm hoping that he can get through to her in an individual session and help her realize that she really loves me and needs to end the A.
Anyway, I'm very nervous because OM is moving to BR and may be working with her, and I know that this could either cement their relationship or break it up.
I would appreciate any advice.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Well, I found out that OM has indeed moved in with W into her new apartment. She had told me that he was moving to Baton Rouge, but into his own place. She tells me that it's just temporary and he's going to be moving out as soon as he gets a job and gets some money. She also told me that they have now decided not to have sex for now (right), but that they did have unprotected sex and that it was right at the time she should have been ovulating! So there's a real chance that she could be pregnant -- just what I wanted to hear.
I think I'm going to have to go back to my lawyer now and get a legal separation and custody, because I don't want my daughter exposed to that environment.
I think I'm also going into no contact mode with her, because there doesn't seem to be much point right now to doing anything other than waiting the affair out. I've canceled the MC session for next week, though I think I'm still going to go back for myself. I want to continue to work through my issues and make myself a better person.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I just read your story, and I'm really sorry but also GLAD you found out the truth. It's better than thinking the lies are the truth, believe me. Ok, seriously...om is 20? He moved in with your wife but has no job or money? I don't give it very long. Can you hang on a little while? I know it is SO impossibly hard but this affair doesn't have "long term" written all over it, and I think you could stand a good chance of getting her back. Please try to think about it and give it 48 hours before you decide anything ok?
Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Oh, I know that this won't last. W gave her heart back to this kid when she gave him $100 to help him dispose of the evidence of a theft when he was drunk. He was so grateful and told her how she is making him such a better person and reforming him. I think they call this "rescue syndrome" in psychology.
She can't really lie very well at all -- one of the things I like about her She told me the truth about this today.
Yeah, I'm going to wait it out and take her back. I just hope that she isn't pregnant.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I just meant that I'm not going to talk to her right now while she is living with OM. She can arrange to see D through her parents (who support me completely). I'm not giving up on the marriage (far from it), but I just don't want to talk to her for a while. I actually plan to wait the full two years if I have to -- she can't get D until Jan 8, 2008, unless I want to give it to her sooner.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Man I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this crap but at the same time, I feel your strength and I admire how you are approaching this more with your head than with a wounded heart.
I think you got a good game plan. Apart from her outrageous behavior, she's lied to you so you can't trust her therefore, "going dark" as we call it around here is the best thing to do because mainly it insulates you from her behavior and once she 'rush' that she gets from this kid wears off, she will start to miss you.
Have you got a copy of Michele's book Divorce Remedy yet? If not, then I strongly recommend that you get it. If you have, read the chapter on infidelity. Her A started for a reason, you need to figure out what that reason is but if you give yourself 100% of the blame, them you have gone too far. Figure what you did wrong and what she has done wrong.
Quote: I think I'm going to have to go back to my lawyer now and get a legal separation and custody, because I don't want my daughter exposed to that environment.
That's a very sensible thing to do. Post back with how you go with this.
She didn't really lie, in the truest sense of the word. She told me that OM was going to be getting his own place, and he still supposedly is -- just as soon as he gets a job here in BR. As I said, she's not a very good liar -- she used to tell on herself to her parents as a child when she had done something wrong.
Yes, I've read Divorce Remedy -- and Torn Asunder, Love Must be Tough, Surviving the Affair, Winning Your Wife Back, and a couple of others.
I have squarely confessed and confronted my actions that contributed to the affair to W, and I put my apology for some of them in writing. Some of them were sins of neglect, while others do reflect poorly on my character. None of them, though, are things that could not be fixed. I'm going to continue to get some individual counseling to make sure that I really do have them fixed.
Quote: she will start to miss you
After Friday night, I know that!
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
You sound good and in control. Please stay this way because attitude is everything in this business.
I see you've been very busy reading....good for you. I'm sure you've found alot of material to be eye opening.
Quote: I have squarely confessed and confronted my actions that contributed to the affair to W, and I put my apology for some of them in writing. Some of them were sins of neglect, while others do reflect poorly on my character. None of them, though, are things that could not be fixed. I'm going to continue to get some individual counseling to make sure that I really do have them fixed.
Actually it good that you confessed verbally and in writing. You have made your position clear to WAW and there is no need to restate it....again. To do so would be a sign of weakness and I can see that is a quality that you do not possess.
Have you set yourself any goals as recommended in DR?
Quote: Have you set yourself any goals as recommended in DR?
I don't know how to set goals for things that I have no control over. I can make it a goal for my WAW to end the affair tomorrow, but that seems unlikely. So what goals can I formulate? The only ones that I can think of concern myself. I've set a goal of continuing to work on my issues in counseling so that I'm confident that I'm healed of them. I've made it a goal to change careers and get my teaching certification this summer so that I can take better care of my D.
Quote: P.S. What's happening Friday night?
Not this Friday, last Friday. Her wanting to sleep with me just before she went to Arkansas to help him move in with her.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I didn't go dark with her today as planned. I've decided to wait a few days until I find out whether or not she's pregnant. I've decided that I'd rather be talking to her so that she'll tell me, because I really feel that I need to know.
That issue is just too important.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
She told me the truth about this today.