Last night I was thinking (again, in the middle of the night!) I have agreed to not only DO taxes for W, but to show her how to for her future reference... Now this was the woman that barely feigned any interest in anything financial that I tried to explain over the years which I did because, hey, this is a partnership and I wasn't going to do something w/ $$$ w/o consulting her... So basically she let it all go in one ear and out the other (being blond and all...)
Well, I'm going to do the taxes and I'm going to adopt the attitude that I'm doing something LOVING, something that I WOULD have done if we were together. And if she comments and asks WHY I'm being so nice I'll tell her just that. Now for the tricky part. I WANT to tell her that even after everything that she did last year I'm not carrying that anger/bitterness anymore because I decided to let GOD take care of that; that I TRUST HIM to take care of the crappy stuff and to look after our marriage and I'll do what I can do; namely, be kind and do the things a good husband would do. That I realized last fall that over the years I NEVER thought about leaving because I always trusted that things would work out for us; that even though I wasn't explicit about religion, that showed me the amount of FAITH I have always had that I could just TRUST HE would take care of us. I just "knew" everything would be okay w/ us.
So what I want to say to her (BUT CAN'T!) is WHY can't you say "Lord, I can't deal w/ the hurt/anger/resentment in my heart, will you take on that burden for me and let let me just worry about being a good wife"? Let GOD restore our marriage and salve your wounds and you just be a wife and mother... I want to say, Do you really believe that getting a divorce and possibly having a relationship w/ OM is what GOD wants for you? That he doesn't want you to put US in His hands and trust that we can remain married and HAPPILY at that?
I was talking w/ her best friend last night and I think she is a toxic person. She is VERY jaded about relationships because of her own situation and thinks I'm nuts for A) thinking we could reconcile, and B)thinking it would ever be any good or better than it was for years.... That W is just "broke". I tried to explain that I'm not some Bible-thumper, BUT I do trust that if W and I fully committed to our marriage that it would be GREAT. She (friend) just doesn't get it. She actually thinks I should just write it off; that I should be out chasing women and having good sex and moving on.
So that's where my head is at today. Am I tilting at windmills? Probably, but where would any of us be w/o hope?
Oh, and yesterday was the anniv. of her Mom's death as well as it would have been her Dad's Bday... I sent her a short email saying I hoped the day didn't suck too bad and that I was thinking of her... I wasn't sure about doing it, but that was when I decided to ACT AS IF we were still together and that made it easy to decide to show I was thinking of her.
She emailed me back a bit ago and said thanks; it would have been Dad's 80th.... NOT ONE comment about her MOM!
What more can I do?? (and that was only partially rhetorical!)
Quote: Now for the tricky part. I WANT to tell her that even after everything that she did last year I'm not carrying that anger/bitterness anymore because I decided to let GOD take care of that; that I TRUST HIM to take care of the crappy stuff and to look after our marriage and I'll do what I can do; namely, be kind and do the things a good husband would do. That I realized last fall that over the years I NEVER thought about leaving because I always trusted that things would work out for us; that even though I wasn't explicit about religion, that showed me the amount of FAITH I have always had that I could just TRUST HE would take care of us. I just "knew" everything would be okay w/ us.
You know you can't tell her all this. YOU are the only one operating from a position of faith in your sitch. To tell her about that, would only alienate her. Especially if it is foreign to her. It kind of makes the WAS feel like "oh, I'll show YOU. I AM the captain of my ship!". You get it? So you can't go there. DO trust God but don't bring it up to her. Let Him reveal Himself to her in ALL His GLORY in His own time. One thing I know, He'll show up when she is ready to receive Him.
Now, you are operating from a position of faith but it is a weak one. Please let me explain. To just "believe" is actually easy. You have to find out WHY you believe. Find out what GOD says about you and who you are and what is YOURS based on your faith in HIM. Do that and you will then operate from a POSITION OF AUTHORITY. When you stand on His Word as a believer, all THE Authority of Jesus is behind YOU. That's why it is so important to claim His Word over your sitch. There is not a demon in hell or on earth, operating in ANY form or fashion, that doesn't have to BOW at the Name of JESUS!
So there you go. As we say (only half-jokingly) in Pentacostal circles "Name it and claim it".
I just re-read her email from two weeks ago and she makes it REAL clear that she decided some time ago that she FORGIVES me for the affair in 1989, but that she just can't reconcile... and she's moving on; that she hopes I forgive her too. Well YEAH, I do. I just wish she'd see the damage she's doing to ALL of us. And I KNOW she still thinks OM will be there to pick back up when the D is final. I seriously doubt that. He wants a GODLY wife; I'm certain that he would not want to face me every day at work and always in the back of his mind is going to be the realization that he slept w/ her while she was married to me! Not very GODLY on either of their parts!
So I'm in a quandry. I guess I just keep on praying, being a good person and NOT trying to talk to her.
Although I have thought about talking to OM and telling him that she needs to get right w/ GOD and put her marriage back together; he's feeling guilty enough he would PROB. go tell her just that!!! But I will be quiet and have faith.
Okay, so I GET IT that she's still pissed about the A 16.5 years ago...! Jeez. My C has done a remarkable job of FINALLY getting me to see that W is very immature and childish... That she pretty much took a back seat to everything in our marriage and let me drive the train so to speak and didn't want to take any responsiblity for "stuff". Example. Last week W and I had a R talk. She was griping about how tight I could be w/ money which is somewhat true. But I pointed out that for years I tried to get her to take over the bill paying and investing so she could see where all our money went and be aware. She never would. Now mind you I've always worked fulltime and some overtime. Even before the kids she only worked fulltime about 2 years out of the 5 and after kids she gradually cut back to the point that 2 years ago she was only working 12 hours a week. (1.5 days!)And then in Feb 04 quit completely other than teaching a class Sun. evening for 2 hours! So now, living on her own, she gripes about how expensive things are. Last week coming home from her Grandmothers funeral (we all went!) she was asking me what I thought four new tires on the van should cost and telling me about the quotes she got and how expensive they were. I just say Uh-huh.
Back to the C's comments. Wife had a fairly controlling Mother; seems like she wanted someone as a spouse that was going to run the show (more or less). And that not wanting to have anything to do w/ the $$ is someone that wants to be taken care of. I'm not your Daddy!
She's waiting to get a court date (probably next week or the following) and yet still tells me that "maybe in a year or so" "who knows what the future will bring". I don't even respond to these comments anymore. B/c I honestly don't think that she will do the necessary work on herself to become a fullfledged adult and be able to have a mature, loving, physically involved love life. One that is more than just "showing up". So, I'm going to enjoy life, date, have fun, and who knows...? I am however very conflicted; b/c I didn't believe in divorce (and as I told W, I'M NOT EVEN CATHOLIC!.... she is) And the gal that I've gotten to know over the past several months and have sorta dated has made it clear that she'd be open to MORE when I'm mentally/emotionally ready for more... Hmmmm.
I read up on your stitch. If you have kind of been dating a gal, are you focusing 100% on reconcilling? You could probably ask me the same thing, since I sold my ring, but rings are replacable, while emotional issues are hard to repair. I spent an entire day reading the bible about a week after he filed and was given such peace that I have been held above the pain. That is why focusing on myself and my relationship with God is my priority. It's just like Amy said. That was nice and right of you to go to her grandmother's funeral. My grandmother died a week after he filed and I got an e-mail saying he was sorry. My advise to you would be to focus on yourself by making positive changes in your life and pray that God will work on her. My H would tell me it was OK to go do things with my friends- he worked A LOT- and I would go, now he's holding all of those times against me. As far as the affair, that was a long time ago. She could just be using it as a stone to throw at you or there really may be some scars where healing never took place. The bible study I am doing is about pointing our finger at ourselves and not blaming others. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own actions and our reactions to others. So, do enjoy life, but I would caution you not to do anything right now that would jeopardize your reconcilliation or add fuel to the fire, if you really want your M to work.
Quote: If you have kind of been dating a gal, are you focusing 100% on reconcilling?
We were "dating" as friends for several months and quite frankly we discussed our marriages more than anything else. Last fall when W quite angrily and emphatically made it clear that we weren't EVER getting back together (and I knew from sources, [snooping, I know....] that she was still carrying a torch for OM) anyway... we started actually dating! And then in Jan I stepped way back b/c I knew as did she that I really wanted things to work out. We still go and do things, but teenagers are more involved than we are at this point!
Quote: So, do enjoy life, but I would caution you not to do anything right now that would jeopardize your reconcilliation or add fuel to the fire, if you really want your M to work.
Well, over the past few months W has made it quite clear that we WILL be divorced. She has filed (twice!) and last week my L filed the response. She's just waiting on a court date. And has said she needs to see this through, spend some time alone and work on her, be independent, etc. What.Ever. So, while I'm not doing anything right now that will jeopardize things... I'm not seeing it change. And frankly, it would take a lot of work on both our parts, and a lot of growing up on her part and being responsible for her happiness to make things work. I've actually got an appt. tom. to speak w/ a pastor friend of the family that I wanted to get some advice from.
And so far I've not followed W's bestfriends "advice" to me which was to say the hell w/ her and go out and "scrump"! Ah, NO! At least not unless there are some strong emotions involved. I'm not a O.N.S. kind of guy.
Got ya! Just be careful about listening to "friends" and put heavy duty filters on your ears- you know how the grapevine goes with all the twists in words! I know this from experience and from all of our friends being mutual friends.
Reasonably well thank you very much! Have my lows, but they are getting further and further apart. A few weeks ago W and I were having a "talk" (see my other post about backsliding...) and she said I just need to be (W...maiden name) And now I understand from sources that she is using a new email addy w/ her maiden name... Still uses old addy to email me although that is very infrequent. Yesterday was the scheduling of her court date so she can go to court and say Yep, it's over... and get her D. I imagine my L will call me or send me a letter today telling me when it is, not that I'm going to go...
I took a quantum leap fwd in detaching this past week. I realize now that W has a lot of issues that aren't about me and she really does need to be on her own, stand on her own two feet and move on. And *maybe* in the future, as she says we can have a new R. I'm just not seeing it; she has said she's afraid of us being together and getting hurt... Never mind the fact that w/ all that's happened the past year, all the things she's done that I would be completely justified in BLOWING HER OFF.... I've not been mean/nasty or insenstive towards her. So my thought is that even if she ever does have second thoughts, she'll be too chickenSH-T to come to me and say, HEY, lets try this again... cuz she'll be to afraid of being rejected... So.... as I told my buddy...I'm not even going to think about what would I do, cuz it ain't gonna happen. I anticipate the D will be final by the end of the month. And I'll move on.
As an aside.... a lady friend that I casually see sometimes asked me to pick her and her daughter up from the airport over the weekend. My kids know she exists and we are friends.... At the last min. I took them along to meet her and we stopped to get something to eat. Everyone got along really well. That may be a R worth pursuing... Hmmmm.
So, even though things still suck, I'm doing okay. It really gets to me when I'm cooking dinner or when the kids are leaving to catch the bus...W used to stand at the door in the morning...I do too... but now she isn't here and it really sucks that the kids are missing out on her everyday presence. D14 (15 this week!) has made it clear that she doesn't like going to W's apt and that she prefers here. Also makes a point of talking to ME about the stuff in her life that is bothering her. Says she can't talk to mom... And given some of the stuff this almost 15 y.o. is saying I'm am blown away... Makes me feel like I'm not totally out of touch as a parent!
Never mind the fact that w/ all that's happened the past year, all the things she's done that I would be completely justified in BLOWING HER OFF....
I feel that way much of the time, too. My D will be final in 3 weeks. The important thing I've learned is to focus on myself and not on my H, his mistakes, or what he is doing. It is all about ME and the positive changes I can make in MY life for MYSELF. As someone who rushed into a relationship too soon after my first husband, I would suggest not even thinking about another R right now. The reason I say that, is because any relationship that starts before you are completely healed from your D, will most likely be headed down the path of destruction- so PLEASE be very careful about making any emotional attachments right now. My D is 19. She has always been very open with me. That is wonderful your D can talk to you! Keep that up and try to be as positive as you can!
