This past March my wife of 19.5 years decided she wanted a divorce. Many things contributed, but the one she has latched onto is the brief affair I had 16 years ago and which she now says she never got over. (we were having some issues that she now, FINALLY admits to being selfish about!) I quickly figured out (by spying on the computer) that she was interested in a friend of ours that she sings w/ her in the CATHOLIC CHURCH CHOIR! OM was unmarried as you will see later! After a few days of him telling her she should work things out w/ me, she decided to give us another go. That lasted about two weeks and then she decided she wanted to move out. I stayed in the house w/ our two kids who at the time were 13 and 10. At that time she said she wanted to see where things went w/ the other guy BUT that maybe we could date in a month or two and try to work our troubles out! Well w/in a couple of days of moving out she was sleeping w/ him (she admitted it!). Then the following week they decided that they needed to not have sex until she was divorced! Also, w/in two weeks of separating she was taking the kids to dinner and a movie w/ MR. WONDERFUL! That happened at least 3 times that I know of. When I told her that was inappropriate she basically chewed me out and said TOUGH. For about 6 weeks they were all glommed up in one another, dating publicly, announcing to the church choir they were dating!, and generally flaunting their relationship. Then in early June HE decided that since she was not divorced it was wrong for them to be dating. That lasted about 3 weeks were upon he then said they could have NO contact because it was WRONG and they couldn't see each other until she was divorced. In Aug. she asked me to change the date we separated and backdate it 3 or 4 months so we could get this over sooner. I said NO and she exploded at me on the phone (I’m not eating, I’m not sleeping and I’m down to 100#) When I told her that wasn’t my problem anymore she screamed “FINE, then I’ll just F__ing DIE. The following week the same subject was discussed and I told her too bad, that I didn't see HIM anywhere in the picture so what was the problem. Well, that got her thinking and she went to see him (after he refused to return her phone calls) and he basically said we're over, it was a mistake, I'm not going to be waiting for you when you get your divorce and you've ruined me for another woman (he was a virgin at 39!) She then went through a couple of weeks of depression and generally not communicating but then asked if I would go to a Marriage conference in two months and maybe we could see about us. I told her I would think about it but still felt that if OM showed up she’d jump right back into that stupid mess. So two months go by, we sorta get along and occasionally spend time together w/ the kids. But whenever I made a small gesture (flowers, card…) she immediately said that wasn’t changing anything and not to get my hopes up. So I didn’t. We both (separately) attended a LOVE and RESPECT conference this fall and she feels that had we done this years ago we would have been okay, but it's too late now. As things stand, she doesn't want to discuss "US" any more and says we definitely will be getting divorced this coming spring. She has refused all offers of mine to go to joint counseling. For a few months she kept saying we can date after we're divorced and see if we can build a new relationship but now she admits that isn't going to happen; that she just CAN'T get past the fact that I had an affair. She doesn't see that she did the same thing (says that since she told me she wanted out before she got involved it doesn't matter!) and that as far as she's concerned she's entitled to a Biblical divorce because the Bible says adultery is grounds for a divorce. I have tried to keep all doors open even when she was flaunting her new honey in my face. I said repeatedly that I would welcome her back and would consider counseling. While we parent well, she wants nothing to do w/ me and just wants to get divorced and find a new relationship. I have been working on forgiving myself for my role in this and praying that she will seek guidance from someone that will steer her back to her family. Other than that I don't know what to do. I realize I can't MAKE her want to come back. I just am puzzled why someone that is so religious is so hell bent to get a divorce instead of trying to work on WHY she couldn't forgive and to keep our family together.
And after reading DIVORCE REMEDY and the chapter on Depression… She has 12 of the 14 symptoms! Half of them are pronounced. And the chapter on MLC describes her to a T!
And there are lots of other factors at play here. While she has known about the relationship since 1989 I had always denied it was sexual although she knew it was... I could not accept that I had failed and could not bring myself to admit it. She withdrew over the years and then in the past 4 years has lost both her parents to cancer and almost lost her brother to cancer (her only close relative) Add in 2 miscarriages years ago and issues of rejection/abandonment/not being good enough that she is in counseling for and, well, you get the point. Even her friends will say she has "issues" that have nothing to do w/ me. BTW, she had decided to split and then decided we needed to work things out and that's when we both confessed our past sins to each other. She just decided that she was TOO interested in the OM and didn't think we would be able to get better and decided she could not pass up the chance to be happy. (her words) We had been in counseling for several months prior and she had basically shut down and then would pick at me because it didn't seem to be helping. Now we know why! Over the years she wanted me to woo and court her and "make it up" to her and "fix" things, but she didn't want to do anything to fix our marriage. And yes this was pretty much out of the blue; I didn't think things were THAT bad and I NEVER thought she would walk out, much less get involved w/ someone else. She also had a habit over the years of telling me one thing repeatedly... and then being pissed if I acted on that information. Example, telling me sure, it's okay if you go away on a trip, I think you need some time to have fun; you've been working hard... And then holding that against me. She would erect emotional walls and then wonder why I couldn't be more supportive. There's more, but it's way to personal for here; along the same vein though.
I have a REAL problem w/ the OM, he that is OH SO RELIGIOUS that he jumped right into a relationship w/ her when he KNEW she was in a state of crisis about her marriage and he believed her when she said it was over. The first few weeks we were separated and she was in the guest room she was even going to his house every few evenings and coming home at all hours of the AM even after I asked her NOT to; to wait until she moved out. The kids would ask where Mom was and when did she get home; I'd just say out w/ friends and I don't know what time, I was in bed... He had been a guest in our house many times, was friendly w/ our children and should have sternly told her NO, if you think you want me, then get a divorce and then we'll talk. Instead, he got involved, she thinks he's the next coming, the kids were involved in their relationship, and then he cuts off contact because he gets the guilts. And evidently has no intention of picking up where things were left, although she still thinks that's what's going to happen. And she partly blames me for getting dumped because I told him off!
And OM is a true "momma's boy". Evidently his mom told him he had no business being w/ her and he very hurtfully broke it off. She still seems to think that once she's divorced he'll want her again and that he was just mean to her to try to push her back to me... He evidently started feeling guilty about that. Must be because I chewed him out royally about interfering in my marriage; that, and the fact that he has to see me every day because..... we WORK at the same place! yeah, that's real fun. NOT. So I continue to struggle between holding out hope and trying to deal w/ the reality of my life.
Now, I'm far from perfect and I could have done more over the years to reassure her, BUT, I have been faithful since then, I've told her repeatedly over the years that I want to be w/ her, she's a sexy, desirable, beautiful woman that I LOVE, I'm a good father (obviously, as she left the kids w/ me!) and I've NOT attacked her legally even when the first lawyer I had wanted to blast her; can you say "scorched Earth policy"? This all boils down to she can't get past the fact I was w/ another woman and it has festered in her for years.
She just lost her vim 4 years ago when her Dad died; it was like watching a candle fade out to nothing. And then her Mom died and her brother got sick and his prognosis was unknown for a while.. And of course she had to face her own mortality. I guess she just decided she wanted to grab the brass ring...
And from what I understand she (wife) still thinks the OM will want her back once she's divorced... I wouldn't want to hold my breath on THAT! Repeatedly I have been told by counselors, clergy and even her Sister in law that I am not the cause of this. That she has other issues, mostly w/ her now deceased Mother and feelings of lack of self worth, self esteem and not being loved etc… At the divorce support group that I attend the point was made that this is such a familiar story and the LBS is the one that the WAS turns all their anger on…
Now I understand that she’s REALLY PISSED… Her lawyer file for divorce a few weeks ago, but he filed prematurely; they have to wait one year as they don’t have fault grounds. My lawyer immed. Filed a motion to dismiss which they sat on until today, the day before it was supposed to be argued in court. They pulled the Complaint! She was thinking that all they had to do was file, wait til one year elapsed and walk into court and walk out divorced! She STILL thinks that this is going to solve all her problems.. I know for fact that she is being treated for depression and she knows she’s depressed. Why her counselor can’t get it through her head that she needs to straighten out her problems and THEN worry about if a divorce is the answer I don’t know.
DAvid: This sounds alot like mine. I have been married for 21 years & came accross the same thing. It is now that she is in the angry stage. She wants nothing to do with me & is hell bent on getting back a friend who has been e-mailing me suggestions on what to do to help my marriage. Try to keep up hope. I know this MLC thing is a mess but who knows, it might work out!
Quote: Repeatedly I have been told by counselors, clergy and even her Sister in law that I am not the cause of this. That she has other issues, mostly w/ her now deceased Mother and feelings of lack of self worth, self esteem and not being loved etc… At the divorce support group that I attend the point was made that this is such a familiar story and the LBS is the one that the WAS turns all their anger on… ...I know for fact that she is being treated for depression and she knows she’s depressed. Why her counselor can’t get it through her head that she needs to straighten out her problems and THEN worry about if a divorce is the answer I don’t know.
They are right. After weeks of having my H blaming me for all that went wrong between us he admitted that it was him who was having most of the problem. He had a traumatic childhood with an abusive father, even right now he has nightmares about it. If your W is being treated for depression it should help her clear her mind, I know meds take a while to work though.
They feel so confused and feel that by leaving the 'problem' marriage they are actually solving one of their problems. It is hard to feel this helpless, but they have to work it out on their heads. I pity my H, who seems a shell of the wonderful man I marry, depression and ADHD have make him an anxious man who doesnt' know what he wants.
I've DB and have regained my peace of mind, he's warmed up to me and we see each other often, go out and stuff, but he admits his mind still isnt' stable and still has to find out if he still loves me. That's how depression can eat up their minds, they just can't function nor live everyday life the way we do.
It also took a while before I stop beating myself about how I behaved in my marriage (controlling, bosy) I have changed for the better, and I think that is a big step on my favor.
Are you still loosing weight? 100 sound terribly low. When I was feeling like that my therapist prescribed me prozac, I was so horribly nervous and anxious. She's put you thought a lot, but don't let her take any more away from you. Hope you can reagain some of your appetite, this is a long road, so take care of yourself.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
You have a lot of answers in front of you. If you are hoping to find this information disputed you won't. You can start applying what you are learning to understanding Her problem. She is into something she doesn't understand and didn't ask for, with no control over her mind.
What books have you read on MLC? She had plenty of triggers to set this off and you my friend, were not it. You can't take credit for something this powerful. Only she can decide to see a C for herself, and she needs to. Read some of the posts in the MLC forum here.
If you want to read a book a C gave a woman in MLC, InTheMeantime by Vanzant may be enlightening to you. You will see a lot of background for her emotional turmoil and what is driving her to do what she does. It does not go into how you can stop her or fix her, because you can't. If she doesn't go all the way through this life transition she will neve become "whole" with moving forward in life.
So last Sun I was picking up the kids and asked her a favor; she said she'd email me later, that a lot of things have happened lately and she needs to tell me things.
That night I get a lengthy email thanking me for the letter of apology I had written her about my brief affair in 1989 (!) but she went on to say that all that uncertainty caused her to fall out of love w/ me and me not ever telling her the truth killed our marriage and I wasn't the kind of husband she wanted, etc etc etc.... Long story short we traded emails all week and I responded to her points and said how lonely I felt because she excluded me. Nothing new was said.
Bottom line is she blames ME and the 1989 affair for why we are getting divorced NOW. And says OM has nothing to do w/ thing because she told me before she told him how wonderful she thought he was!!! (Yet she was sneaking around and LYING to me about it) Esp. since she had second thoughts and was telling me we needed to work things out all the while she was still emailing him!
So my ? is... Could it be possible that this really has nothing to do w/ her parents deaths, her feelings of inadequacy, her Mom not loving her unconditionally?? That it really is just simply as she says?? She still seems to think that OM and her are going to pick right up where they left off (IF he's grown up and changed how he interacts w/ Mommy; her words!) Yeah, Right!
I so strongly believe GOD HEALS ALL WOUNDS and as I read the stories here on this forum they make our problems seem like a lover's spat, not a full blown divorce!
No Changes... She flat out does NOT want to discuss US, the R, nothing. Just wants to get the D over w/ and move on. WHY oh WHY is she so hung up on the 1989 issues when she still won't address the fact that she carries bitterness/resentment and wouldn't completely discuss that. My C has pointed out that back in the 80's (!) she was immature even then and selfish in the way she expected me to react to things or that she didn't feel she had to carry her share of the load..( Don't even ask me how many times I asked HER to find something for US to go do to have fun!) It was almost like if she didn't come up w/ the idea, then she couldn't be blamed for having a lousy time. If it was MY idea then she could vent if she didn't like it. And the whole family issue; she wanted to have kids right then and wasn't the least bit interested in MY feelings and concerns about being a father... I wanted to be a father, just not right then, I had fears, doubts, concerns, and she just dismissed them out of hand... Now of course all that matters are HER feelings. That we don't have a marriage, she hasn't been happy for a long time, we don't have anything in common. That I caused problems by going off on sailing trips w/o the rest of the family (never mind I ALWAYS asked if it was okay and offered to have her come meet me...!) And last week she bitched me out because I YELLED at OM. (never once have I YELLED at him... don't even raise my voice; I just told him what I thought!) And she says HE isn't to blame for us divorcing. TRUE. Didn't help though, esp when she tells me she's confused, then she still loves me and we need to work things out and the next me the computer captures her emailling him!!! go figure..
You have to stop the pursuit. Have you read DR? If not, read it three times and then re-read as necessary. The more you pursue her and try to talk about the R, the faster she is going to run from you. I'm speaking from experience. I did the same things when my W dropped the bomb on me. We were probably headed for a seperation until I completely smothered her. Now she has filed for D and is trying to get it over with as quickly as possible. What you are going to have to learn is that you can't change her heart or her mind. You can only fix the things you need to fix in you. Changing her will be left to Someone well above you. You just have to pray that when the changes to come to her, she will see the improved you and be attracted to that. There is no way she is going to be attracted to you right now while she perceives you to be smothering her. Spend this time consulting with your Maker. Find out who the man is that He wants you to be. Then work on becoming that man. That really is the answer.
In a way it's like your a saftey net for your wife, have less contact. Get out and do things with other people let her think your moving on. This will probably make her angry at first, but than start working on being friends. Eventually she will get tired of OM, and guess who will be there for her when she needs someone. In a way it's like beating the OM at his own game. Oh, if W wants a divorce let her file, and do the work. She is probably still confused and OM will presure her for it and it may make her tire of him quicker.
Oh, I did leave her alone...starting back in Aug.. We would have maybe one talk or two a month and then in Nov right after what would have been our 20th anniv. she very angrily said we WERE getting DIVORCED and that was that. I did not speak to her of our R until Feb. 1 when I left a letter of apology to her and she replied last Sun a week ago in an email, hence the emails back and forth last week. That has been all the talking about our R that has gone on for the past several months! And we rarely see each other as the kids are big enough to be on their own. We may go 2-3 weeks w/o seeing each other. Email only about the kids. OM is out of the pic, has been since AUG. She knows he will have nothing to do w/ her until she is divorced. He told her they were done, but she thinks that was so he wouldn't feel guilty about our D. That that was him trying to push her back to me... Who knows! All I know is her failure to deal w/ my indiscretion 16.5 years ago is NOT all this is about. Her selfesteem issues, lack of confidence when she was younger, etc.. Issues w/ her late Mother that obviously can no longer be discussed; all these factor into things... But I'M the cause of ALL her misery and didn't ever show her I loved her, etcetcetcetc..... blahblahblah..
Now she wants ME to do HER taxes; she's never done them, either MIL or ME did them for her!! And she's going to OWE, while I get a refund...I told her I would consider filing jointly as long as she paid me what I would be getting back; that would make some of the paperwork easier as we sold some rental property last year... And get this she wants me to TEACH her how to do the taxes...I said TURBOTAX and follow the directions!
Funny thing is I ALWAYS tried to involve her in financial decisions and she always just sorta listened and didn't want to know... Now of course she needs to know.
