Molliew, My thanks to you again. These replies really help me get through the tough moments. I guess I gave H. some peace of mind, being agreeable to what he wanted but also not putting myself in an unfair position. I want to be fair, too. As much as I miss my family right now, I feel in my heart that my place is still here, near H. and in our home. If I can manage it, then I can stay at my job which I really enjoy. And, keep puppy & kitty together.
Here is something I was thinking about: puppy. H. is crazy for puppy, but has left him here with me at home because I am around more to care for him. If H. plans to live in an apt. there is no way he will be able to take puppy; there are not many apts. around here that allow a dog. Just stay in your house as long as you can, paying what you can For now, this is what I will do. It seems like the most logical solution for the time being.
I have a question though: if H. gets his own apt. and wants to move some of the things from our house over to his apt., how exactly do I handle this? What can I agree on? If we aren't divorcing but he wants to do this, what is the right way to go about it? Just let him take whatever we can agree upon?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
the lessons we learn from pain are good ones. I ought to be learning a whopper, then.
And... what would that be?
Not excusing H's behavior, though, have you looked at your part in the downfall of the relationship? What behaviors and patterns you had that played their part in the souring of the dynamics? Have you also looked at how much of yourself you gave up while married? Personally, I think the LBSs that suffer the worst are the ones that gave up the most of themselves, so that when their WASs leave, they have nothing to stand on and feel crippled. I'm guilty of that. I'm also guilty of contributing to the demise of my relationship. Through introspection and education, I understand why I reacted and thought as I did, see where my ex has her points, see where my ex triggered me and I triggered her, and thus was able to start those changes of those aspects of me that would only lead to my going through this again and again. Much more fruitful than always focusing on what's wrong with the WAS.
I have a question though: if H. gets his own apt. and wants to move some of the things from our house over to his apt., how exactly do I handle this? What can I agree on? If we aren't divorcing but he wants to do this, what is the right way to go about it? Just let him take whatever we can agree upon?
Just let him take whatever we can agree upon sounds like a fair answer, doesn't it? Might be easier said than done, I'd just say don't get emotional over material things. You hear these stories about couples who argue over who gets the lamp, you know? "But Aunt Matilda gave me that lamp, it has sentimental value to me!" "Sentimental value? You never used it! I always used it for reading!" "That's because I let you use it!" "But you're taking the bedroom lamps! Be fair!" "Fair? You wanna talk about fair?" yadda, yadda. Be practical, reasonable. If you can't reasonably work out who gets the lamp, how the heck do you expect to work out bigger issues, you know?
I'm not suggesting giving away the store. There are things that are obviously his, things that are obviously yours. There are things you paid for, things he paid for. You might find those to be interchangeable as a solution: "OK, you can have the lamp but I'd like that portable stereo of yours you never use". Then there are the gifts you received as a couple, try to be fairly equitable in dividing them up. And remember, anything that leaves the house, you may never see again, so come up with solutions you both feel fine with. And also remember, most material things are replaceable.
And if H still isn't satisfied, I've got some stuff my ex left in the basement I haven't gotten rid of yet, he can have that.
You know, I certainly have looked inward to discover the faults and problems. I've recognized them, and even changed many of them. I am not trying to place blame here, but I have to say that the nature of H's jobs, always causing him to be away for very long periods of time, did not help our marriage. I was so accomodating to his constant departures, always putting on the brave face and letting him go with a "not to worry, hon!" as he left yet again. Then, when he would return, I expected to spend a lot of time with him, to make up for his being away so much. I naturally assumed he felt the same way; I mean, didn't he miss me?! Maybe it was too much of an extreme for him: when away, he had a lot of freedom; when he came back, I was right there, wanting to be with him all the time. But again, I just assumed he was as happy to be back with me as I was with him. He seemed to be...he never said otherwise.
If he does move some of his things out I will be fine with that. I don't expect this to actually be an issue, but I appreciate the advice on how to handle it. And yes, I had thought about the fact that what leaves here I might not see again.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, sorry that you are going through all of this. It cannot be easy. But you do sound a lot stronger, each storm that you weather.
I do help that things fall into place and the finances work themselves out.You never know what may turn up for you. I am amazed at what falls in my lap when I just leave things out there. (yes I know it sounds a bit wacko, but I do believe in this, and it does seem to happen to me)
As someone who this very day had his WAS move in with OP, let me tell you that the day he moves into his own place will hurt. When he takes his stuff out of the house, you will feel a great emptiness and loss. I'd make sure you don't let him have any pictures, sentimental stuff, etc., but do you really care about other things? Let him have them.
I'd say, though, to plan on something fun that evening to try to take your mind off it.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Well, to be honest, H. has been moved out for 6 months. He took very little with him, and moved into a rental house that a family member owns. Now he wants his own apt. He may take more things from our house at that point, but I don't think it will really upset me as much as it did the first time. He's taken no photos with him. He just wants the basics, it seems.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
don't we all need support at this time. Hence my suggestion: why don't we get together (if you're on the Long Island I have in mind ) I'm close to NYC. NYSurvivor, what do you say?
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
Hey hope- Just checking in with you today. I'm glad that you and H were able to agree on the amount that was affordable for you to contribute every month. As for your belongings: as you know, my H and I have a list that we made up as part of the interspousal agreement. I know that you don't want to go that route and be so "formal" about this stuff, but i suggest you make a list of what you are absolutely not willing to part with, stuff you don't care about, and stuff that you have mixed feelings about. Present it to you H...i bet there will be less of a fight about it than you might anticipate. My H and I really didn't fight about that stuff...just about the house itself. So, try not to worry about it...yeah right.
I am sorry that things are going in a direction that you don't want them to go. But, i think that NYS gives you some excellent advice. Try to focus on yourself right now, and try to stop thinking about H and what his intentions are.
My H didn't spend alot of time out of town, but he does have a lot of things going on that keep him away from the house for the better part of the day. When he was around, I felt the same way as you. He's home, we should do something together, I want to be close to him. I think that just made him want to get away cuz that's when I started the clingy, hanging on to him stuff. He just doesn't do clingy. I was trying to control every moment he was with me to make sure he would stay. Kinda smothering probably. But now looking back I can see it clearly.
Funny how we are so different and still all end up here anyway. I was clearly the opposite. Not very close, perhaps too independent for my own good...always pushing Dave away to go and find himself, do things...blah blah. It wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to be together all the time. He couldn't do anything without me always being there. So now he has found someone much better suited for him. I'm now looking into my heart and soul with the assistance of my brain this time to see what it is I REALLY want in life and in love.
Hope, just wanted to let you know that I am here honey. I read your thread yesterday. Didn't know how to reply to everything that happened. But NYS brought up everything that I wanted to say...as usual. But I am here. If you need me to come out there, you know I am there for you in a heartbeat, K?
Just remember that this is Js journey in life. There is nothing that you can do but him go. BUT I do want to see you protected from anything foolish he is doing. I don't want to see you over your head in a house you can truly can't aford (although, hmmmm...want a roommate HEE HEE!) and I most certainly don't want you out on the streets (you've got a place here). He's selfish right now, okay? The man you know and love is not really there right now. So just please, please slow down a bit too. I know you are hurting and I hate to see you having to go through this. I also want you to consider something here...being nice through all this separation of stuff, isn't going to necessarily win his heart back okay? I know you have a heart of gold and you may think, well if I give him all this then he will want to come home. Remember Expect the Worst, Hope for the Best. There are no guarantees honey. Just protect yourself.
Remember the charms you gave me...live by those two words honey.
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