Validation

[Tim2point0]

Hmmm... something in HP's new thread caught my eye, and got me wondering about this thing called "Validation". To wit:

[QUOTE]
Eliminating resentment:
1. Say what your problem is.
2. Be validated by your partner.
3. Make a plan detailing behavioral changes for both of you.
4. Follow through on above plan.
[/QUOTE]

That got me to wondering, can I remember ever being validated by W when stating a problem? Thing is, I'm not sure this has ever really happened. I guess I'm wondering what that would even look like. This is also followed closely by the thought that I need to examine my own attitudes and reactions to see if I have ever provided this for W. If I'm going to be asking for/expecting something, I need to be sure I have at least made an effort to provide it. Can someone give me a fer-instance on this? An example?

To the best of my recollection, any time I have ever stated a problem, the response I usually get is something like "Yes, but..." followed by a litany of reasons why nothing can be done about it, at least for the time being. There is usually reference to some mystical time in the future, when the planets will be in alignment, and something can be done. This does not feel like validation. Long-timers here will know the extent of my own efforts at behavioral and attitudinal change on my own part, and the maddening thing is that during our epic convo of this past weekend, W made reference to times in the past when I had been doing things for her, like helping out around the house, etc, and her feeling that I was "only doing these things to manipulate her into sex". Wow. Sometimes it seems the hurrieder I go, the behinder I get...

[honeypot]

Tim,
A fer instance would look like this:

MrsTim: I feel like I can only ML when I am well rested and the kids are home safely.
Tim: Yes I can see how you would feel that way.

My H never validated a dang thing I said until I started doing it to him. Now we both do it while we are talking to each other and it keeps the conversation loving. (most of the time, lol)

[Greeneyedlass]

Tim,

For me...and example of me validating my could be as simple as the fact that he's making an attempt now to come to bed naked, the way I like. To validate this attempt at doing something I want I let him know how much I appreciate it by saying something like "honey I really like the way you're coming to be lately, I can't help but snuggle with you (something he really likes me to do) when you're naked in bed."

For me, an example of him validating me is him coming to bed naked. It's something I've asked for, and something he's keeping in mind to do for me.

As far as conversation goes. A few weeks ago I came home excited about a project I came up with that I had permission to take on and lead. My H is horrible about supporting my workplace ideas...he has the outlook of "why bother, nothing you do seems to matter to them anyway." While I was telling him about my project he interrupted to talk about other things...so I had to start over several times...I finally gave up. He wasn't validating at all the fact that I was excited about the project....or had something new to sink my teeth into.

A few days later this came back up. I told him, when I decided to bring up the project again, "you know, you really took the wind out of my sails about this. I was excited about it and wanted to tell you about it....but you wouldn't even let me....so I finally gave up." He said (validating here) "I know, I could see it when I did it, but didn't know what to say." which gave me the opportunity to say...."all I wanted was your support, to say something like "if anyone can do this you can."....I know you don't have the same outlook when it comes to me taking extra projects on at work....but did you think maybe I don't do it for them.....I do it for me?" His response was (validating me again) "I didn't think of that, I can see how that would make a real difference."

See he wasn't problem solving in that conversation, he was listening to me and not offering suggestions....but empathizing with how I felt. I think it's really important when you validate someone to try to at least see the possibility in what they are telling you.

Did that make sense?

GEL

[darlingnicky]

See he wasn't problem solving in that conversation, he was listening to me and not offering suggestions....but empathizing with how I felt. I think it's really important when you validate someone to try to at least see the possibility in what they are telling you.

Wow...this is something I desperately need to incorporate into my R. Was a difference this would make if we BOTH implemented this tech.

Thanks for bringing up this topic.

Nicky