Well, NOP warned me that there'd be setbacks and, like the optimistic fool that I am, I pooh pooh'd the idea.
H and I have been sailing along for months and suddenly things began slowing down.
This came at a time where there are a lot of stressors in our lives. He is starting a new job. We are looking for a new house. My sister moved away. Just last weekend, my dad went into the hospital and he is not expected to live much longer. In short, things are unsettled around here.
He began pulling away from me when he found out he got the new job, before any of the other stuff came into play. I believe his mind is so preoccupied that he is exhausting himself with worry/anxiety.
I sucked it up and reminded him nicely that things were sliding, we managed to get back on track and ML wonderfully one night. Then that was it.
BAM, I'm mad. I will remind him once nicely but will not do it repeatedly for the rest of my life. I've always been this way, as long as I can remember. I will give ONE second chance but after that, I tend to cut the person out of my life. Except I can't do that with him! I'm married to him, darn pesky little vows.
I explained to him that I need him to love me in ways that are meaningful to me (ie, physical touch), even and especially during hard times. He explained to me that he is tired.
On and on it went like this.
Anyway, I have to admit that I was expecting setbacks but I figured they'd look like miscomminications, misunderstandings, times where one of us was tired, etc. I did NOT expect a full-blown reversion to his prior behavior that even a nice reminder did not remedy. I did not handle it well. Quite frankly, I do not have the emotional resources, at the moment, to muster it up. I'm running on empty as it is and I bombed at doing things properly. What I did instead was to completely pull away...retreat and just stop interacting with him, except as it has to do with the kids. He hates this--no one for his people pleaser to please. We finally talked a bit last night and I feel better. Still no ML, I can't stand the thought of getting back on the train only to possibly derail 3 months down the road. Since things had been so idyllic for so long, I just did not know to expect this.
I felt the resentment building but there was so much other stuff going on, that we did not defuse the situation properly. Eliminating resentment: 1. Say what your problem is. 2. Be validated by your partner. 3. Make a plan detailing behavioral changes for both of you. 4. Follow through on above plan.
At any rate, I did tell him last night that I was aware that much of my anger is being directed at him but has nothing to do with him. I'm in a funk about family matters and over-focusing on our R as the source of all my unhappiness. It's true that I could handle life's upsets SO MUCH better if we were ML but it's far from the *only* thing that's buggin me.
Today is his first day at the new job. I'm hoping that he can settle down a bit as he gets the hang of the new place. He is NOT a job hopper and here this is his 3rd company in the last year...got fired from the first place after a hostile acquisition and took the next job because it was there and now he finally has a place that he's excited about..is a perfect fit for him.
One last thing I'm trying to shake:
I told him that lately I do not feel like a woman around him. I feel like an IT. Any advice on how to shake that feeling would be greatly appreciated.
Wow, HP, sorry to hear about this. Aside from the "idyllic months", your sitch sounds much like mine, although I have to think that a lot of what's causing your problems looks situational and (relatively) short-term. All those stressors aren't going to help at all, and things probably won't get a whole lot better in the bedroom until those other situations resolve themselves to some degree. IOW, patience, as hard as that is, seems to be warranted. Trying to take my own advice as well. No specific advice here, other than keep at it, and know that since you were able to find a good groove for a while, it should be possible to get back there...
First I want to say...I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad (((HUGS))), and your sis moving away (you're obviously dealing with quite a bit at the moment).
But with that said...you knew to expect this, you just didn't want to believe it I know how frustrating this is for you....but you said it yourself, there's an awful lot going on in your lives at this very moment. Sure, it may have started before everything came together the way it has now....but these things are compounding your problem....sounds to me like you need this one thing to be going right, am I anywhere close?
Honeypot....you know better than anyone else on this BB that repetition is often in order. I'm sure you don't suddenly get mad at the kids when you tell them something once right? You give them more than one opportunity because often they're learning right? Of course your H isn't a child, but he's learning stuff right now too....you both are. How fair is it to tell him once you need something and then get mad if you have to remind him....when he also has some pretty distracting stuff going on in his mind? How would you respond to that if he did that with you?
Beeelieve me, I'm not excusing anything....I'm just pointing out that your one chance and that's it behavior....isn't helping either of you....but you already know that.
Is it really unreasonable with him preoccupied with trying to do this new job well to think you might have to remind him...."Hey hon! Remember me? I know you're dealing with a lot but I need your support and attention right now too."
I've noticed your H tends to focus on things (job, religion, you)...and that's what I believe he's doing with his job. In an attempt to make sure he's well prepared for what comes etc...he's pouring his energy into thinking about that job. Which means his energy isn't directed at you...where you want it to be.
I feel like when you get angry over having to remind him that you jump to "I'm going to have to do this the rest of my life." Why do you think that? How does having to redirect his attention on this speedbump equate to doing it the rest of your life? He's been doing really well for awhile now....in your own words for several months. He's had something new happen in his life....this too will level out.
No offense Honeypot....but this "I've always been this way, as long as I can remember. I will give ONE second chance but after that, I tend to cut the person out of my life." Sounds to me like your saying...."it's my way or the highway." I don't know that this is what you are intending to get across....but that's how I felt when I read it. How is that equitable?
I can't help thinking that because everything else is in an upheaval pretty much for you....that it's easiest right now to get angry towards him. Honeypot...sit back, take a deep breath and remember....this will level out, things will settle back in to how they were.
I'm not sure anything I said was of any help, but dang woman...you're dealing with a smorgasbord of emotional upheaval, relax if you can.
xo,
GEL
I'm really glad you told him that you knew much of your anger wasn't necessarily due to him, it's good that you are aware of it too. You both have such a lot to deal with at the moment....none of the things individually are a picinic. Just try to remember things are going to level back out again, keep communicating with him, keep validating him.
First off, sorry to hear about your dad. That is really rough. Anything can seem a lot worse than it is when you are viewing it through the lens of a life tragedy.
A few things jumped out at me HP.
"I explained to him that I need him to love me in ways that are meaningful to me (ie, physical touch), even and especially during hard times. He explained to me that he is tired."
"Quite frankly, I do not have the emotional resources, at the moment, to muster it up. I'm running on empty as it is and I bombed at doing things properly."
"I felt the resentment building but there was so much other stuff going on, that we did not defuse the situation properly."
"I'm in a funk about family matters and over-focusing on our R as the source of all my unhappiness. It's true that I could handle life's upsets SO MUCH better if we were ML but it's far from the *only* thing that's buggin me."
"I told him that lately I do not feel like a woman around him. I feel like an IT."
Exchange me for you and my W for your H, and switch all the gender pronouns, etc. and you have pretty much exactly my feelings. It is scary how similar your statements are to things I have said here or at least thought.
So my advice to you ... exactly what you have said to me. In a nutshell, chill out, as much as you can with all that you have going on. But you are fine, your M is fine, this is temporary, you will make it so long as you don't do something impulsive that you will regret later.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Hiya Lass, So you think that my two strikes and yer out position is unfair, eh.
Well, I've been giving out the pleasant reminders for eons now. I think you're right that the 'hopeless talk' has got to go...it may or may not be the rest of my life but what good does that kind of talk do. At the same time, it is intensely frustrating to say something and think that you've gotten through, only to have the same damn thing happen the next week. I'd almost prefer if he'd say, "You know, I'm so wrapped up right now in my own stuff that I doubt I will be much good to you these next weeks. Please have patience with me."
You know what? I'd do it in a heartbeat. I am a compassionate and understanding person. What I don't seem to have tolerance for is someone getting my hopes up and then not following through with it.
Plus, he's been playing the Shame Card and that does nothing but push me away from him. He tries to make me feel ashamed because I have physical urges, kwim? "I'm tired and all you can think about is getting off..." etc etc. For once, I stayed perfectly calm and just told him that I wasn't playing that game anymore.
I think we'll get right back on track, I really do. I was just blindsided by this setback. I figured that it would be easy to get back on track with a setback and not require a full fledged "discussion" and hurt feelings, etc. I thought we were done with that.
Hugs - sorry about your Dad and your sis and H's preoccupations.
Do yourself a big favor and take a deep breath. I think you might be jumping the gun on H's regression. He is precoccupied. He is tired. You have pointed out the problem. Give him a little time to work on a solution. Even if he can own part of the problem he isn't likely to jump immediately to doing different behaviors - it wouldn't feel genuine to him or you. Give him a week and readdress if you have to. Just try to relax and be with him without a lot of expectation while he gets himself together.
Also, with your Dad being sick you do need some other types of support from H other than PT and sex. What do you need? Are you mad because he isn't giving that type of support. For example, is your Dad local and are you able to see him. Could H watch some or all of the kids in order to allow you to do so? Do you just need to cry on H's shoulder? What do you need?
I'm curious...you've probably already said this to him, but could you tell me if you have said the following? "I'd almost prefer if he'd say, "You know, I'm so wrapped up right now in my own stuff that I doubt I will be much good to you these next weeks. Please have patience with me"
Have you literally told him you'd prefer him to tell you this than behave the way he is?
Something you just said caught my eye too (you're probably gonna get irritated with me). You said...."What I don't seem to have tolerance for is someone getting my hopes up and then not following through with it." But Honeypot....the someone getting your hopes up isn't him, it's you. There's nothing wrong with feeling encouraged by the situation....but I feel you aren't giving him room to stumble.
Now the shame card...that'd get to me too I must admit. I think you handled that one perfectly. If my H had made that comment to me I'm sure I would have said something about being callouse and insensitive towards me, especially right now when you yourself are dealing with a plate load of crap yourself.
I think the way I look at my R with my H is that I know...no matter where we are at in our R there are going to be problems of some sort, kids, family, R, Sex...whatever. If we don't have some type of problem...I'm going to chalk it up to a bonus period in our lives and document it on a calendar somewhere for posterity LOL.
Really...I think it's a matter of things leveling at your home with everything that's going on.
Plus, he's been playing the Shame Card and that does nothing but push me away from him. He tries to make me feel ashamed because I have physical urges, kwim? "I'm tired and all you can think about is getting off..." etc etc. For once, I stayed perfectly calm and just told him that I wasn't playing that game anymore.
Wow... I've gotta get back into practice with this stuff...
First, So sorry to hear about your Dad. Seeing a family member in that state can't be easy. As far as your sister goes...Darn, what is she thinking moving away from you? Doesn't she know how good she's got it living close by ?
Now, 'bout them setbacks. Nobody said you were free and clear now. The progress do date is not going to make all future setbacks disappear, sorry, but that ain't how it works. BUT, I think you will find that as you two grow closer and learn how to communicate better, that your periods of disillusionment will become shorter, less frequent, and perhaps less intense. They'll never go completely away, that bliss is reserved for heaven. Keep the discussions loving, but don't hold stuff inside...it will only build resentment. Let him know in a loving way that you are feeling neglected, that you understand that it is a stressful time, and that by remembering to nurture your R will help to alleviate the stress all around. You've done tremendously over the last 3 months or so. This isn't a trainwreck, it is just a stop-light along the way, so don't go overboard trying to fix/prevent it. I know you'll work through this, but do try to get rid of that TSBOR. Cut huge holes in the bottom of it and throw it away. There is no need for a bag-o-resentment, no matter how small (and certainly not Texas-sized), in your R.
Oh, and remind MrHP that it isn't you getting off that is important, that what's important is that ML is what makes you feel loved, and that you are currently feeling a bit neglected. Don't forget to keep trying to feel what he's feeling too, it isn't all about you, it is about both of you and your R.
You'll pull through this, I have faith in you. BTW, have you signed up for WWME yet?
Hi Girls, Karen, yes, H watched the rugrats while I went to the hospital..he's great with that kind of thing. Anything service oriented and he's all over it. He is less good with offering emotional support, and that goes with smallish things like hugs. Then again, I tend to retreat into myself when afraid/worried and I'm sure I appear to be a tough nut to crack to him. Almost like me going to him for support makes it more real..more imminent. Then again, if he'd hug me I'd likely not be able to keep up the facade.
Lass,
Quote: But Honeypot....the someone getting your hopes up isn't him, it's you.
No it isn't. This is the same request I've made of him since we began this thing. And his reply is always a heartfelt "We'll get back on track by doing xyz..." which I believe and look forward to. These last months he has followed through with everything he says he will. This time, he said the words but did not follow through with the action. Hence me having dashed hopes.
Am I not giving him room to stumble? Perhaps not.
Like I said, the first week I just made a small comment and we talked it through and agreed on a course of action. Then the very next week it was more of the same. Should I just go, Oh he's stumbling again..poor dear...? What would have been a genuine way for me to handle it, respecting my own position of 'I do not want to say the same things week after week' and his own position of being overwhelmed at the moment.
As far as what I've told him, shoot, is there anything I haven't said to the man, LOLOL. Seriously, I will say that to him about the having patience. I don't think he'd take me up on it and ask for patience, he always seems to think he can pull it off, *whatever* it is.
Ok, back to you Karen. I've been thinking while typing. What do I need from him. I need him to provide some semblance of a normal life while things are going haywire. I need him to continue to act like a strong man and not bombard me with the task of propping him up, day after day after day, and then being too pooped to reciprocate. I asked him last night if he thought that he validated me as a woman...and he said no. I am very measured with my words and make sure that what comes out of my mouth boosts him, instead of being either neutral or derisive. His words are almost universally neutral. Anyway, what do I need. I need him to act like a strong guy that I can lean on, if necessary.
I know how frustrating this is for you....but you said it yourself, there's an awful lot going on in your lives at this very moment. Sure, it may have started before everything came together the way it has now....but these things are compounding your problem....sounds to me like you need this one thing to be going right, am I anywhere close?
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