I really don't think that reconciliation would have happened the way it did if she had walked out the door and I would have just went dark for a year. I don't even know if pulling away at the end had that much influence (I'll never know).
Wes, I agree with that assessment wholeheartedly. I believe my ex has always known and she confirmed yesterday that I still love her. If I had gone totally dark, she would have not thought that and then it may never even got to where we are now. (Wherever that is!!! lol) I also don't think that pulling away did a whole lot. I do think it may have made her act faster in that she already was ready; but when you did that she feared losing you.
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Nothing is going to change dramatically until the walk-away works through the issues. She had to do that first and nothing I did or didn't do was going to alter that. I sense your XW working through her issues, part fear of things going bad with you, some fear of what her family will do/say, part guilt, part low self-esteem, part a desire to explore her world now that's she's single.
I also agree with this. My biggest fears are her not overcoming the guilt in regards to her and I; but being able to move on with someone else who doesn't know all the details. Her family is definitely a big issue; but I sense that she is willing to put that out there, since she would have to ask her parents to watch the kids and she would tell them it was me she was going out with. I think my biggest fear is the possibility of her desire to explore her new singleness. I will not beg her to come back and I fear that she hasn't had the opportunity to go out there like me and date others. So, would she be happy with me or is she wanting to know what is out there. Am I just a temporary thing till something better comes along? See for me, I know that someone else could be out there; but if I could work on her and I, I would choose that. Not sure what she wants and I don't want to get used.
Lastly, like you said the most difficult part is to walk that tightrope. I want her to have space; but I also am at a different place than her. I am wanting and ready to work on things and it is hard to know she isn't there too.
I will try; but I am not so good at that. That is where I fear I will blow it!!!
Ok...quick update. Everything was fine. I went to pick up the kids and before I left my 8yr old asked my ex to spike his hair. She did and then washed her hands. A few minutes later, she made a comment (She is going to eat with her parents and sister and her ahnds still smelled). Her comment: "Oh, great I smell like a guy. Now they're gonna ask who I've been with". My joking reply was "Tell them you were with me. That isn't a lie. (We had a meeting today for youngest)" Like I said joking and then she replied:"Oh, that isn't going to happen." I said jokingly: "Oh no???" She said "Nope never gonna happen ever". Then I said "Oh still into the woman thing (Joking about her being a lesbian)" Then she said it isn't going to happen with anyone".
So, my mind says "What the hell and why is she willingto gout in a couple of weeks and sask for time off??" I am just worrying about nothing? Is this the typical defense mechanism or does she mean that? I have heard her say it before, months ago. I have even had her hint that in our going and doing stuff; but she still goes???
Sorry I know it's patience and maybe not always believing what they say; but I hate this. I want to fix it; but I also am wondering how hard I should look into dating others too. I will date; but I put the online stuff on hold in my mind and am wondering if I should???
Ok a little more to chew on. I dropped the kids off last night and my ex and her sister were there. THis is the sister who knows my ex sends mixed signals; but for some reason acts really standoffish to me, like ithis is all my fault. So, needless to say, as usual when she or another relative is there, my ex acts weird. For instance, my son had drank the last of the milk before we left that afternoon. I told her I was going to the store if she needed just that. She said that when they were out to eat, that she would drag her sister with her to get milk and a few other things. Well, when we got back, my son went to get some milk and there was none. To which she told him, I still have to go get some. So, I said oh, you didn't get some while you were out? She snapped "Wendee and I were having dinner and we ended up talking for a bit. I will go out and get some later!!!" Man WTF!!! I so much want to fix it if possible; but her jekyll and hyde when certain family members are around drives me nuts and makes me feel like it will never get fixed. It's then that I feel like giving up.
What I don't get is how she can agree to go out, have to tell whoever is sitting for her that she is going out with me (She seems okay with doing so), and the fact that she said "It ain't ever gonna happen". Like I said before, then what is the point of going out??? I know the believe half of what they say thing; but at some point that has to stop.
I have a real tough time being patient with this split personality type thing. When we are alone, she is much closer, even though she still maintains a certain amount of emotional distance between us.
The standoffishness continues. Ever since her sister came back from vacation, it seems my ex has backtracked. Coincidence??? Maybe; but I think they fill her head with all this crap not really knowing the whole story about her (and me).
I would love to work this out; but I am getting very discouraged by what seems to happen. She starts to open up, get close and them wham pulls back. Unfortunately, I am not good at playing the "I am going to show you I don't care game".
Anyway, I am lost as to whether I should sever most contacts with her or not. We still ahve alot of times that we need to be at the same places. I don't want to and unfortunately, there isn't anything else there for me at the moment. I just don't get things.
Am I living a pipe dream or is it just what I have to go through to see if she comes out the other side???
I continue to try and keep occupied and find things to do; but I feel like life is on hold even though I will date when the opportunity comes along.
Well, just hate this crap. Not sure if what I am doing is right or wrong???
So, even though there are no guarantees that she and I will ever work things out, are you aying that I should stick with it and not totally give up on that?
I know I am focusing on me too; but I guess I am wondering whether that part that wants to work it out should give up or if I need to be the strong one in this right now until I know for sure.
I just have been reading some posts and other things that suggest that alot do want to reconcile; but just can't get there. I would hate to walk away and find that later; but I can't let this go on forever either. I mean it gets discouraging when she wnats to go out and then backs off. Thing is will it ever stop??? lol
I don't know when or if you should give up. You are the only one that can answer that. You will know when the time is right. I know this stuff is frustrating, but it will teach you patience which is a good virtue to have.
By the way, here is that thread that I said I would find you. This guy's wife was with OM while he was DBing. They eventually reconciled. It is worth going through his old threads to read them. He is so good at DBing. You will notice that he is very patient too.
This is the guy who went on and on about a book that helped him a lot. I haven't found the name yet. I'll get it to you when I find out what it is called.
I have learned patience with almost everything; but her. I guess I know I have changed alot about me that I wanted to and still have faults, etc.; but I guess I was hoping it was enough to get her and I on the right track and for awhile it seemed it might be; but as I said now she is pushing away again!!!
Well, I'll ride it out a little longer and see. But also am open to whatever else comes my way as far as other friends, women, etc. I just hope that if she wants something eventually, that she does show that soon; because I cna't keep doing this. Emotionally this up and down is draining. I have learned to control my emotions about it; but it still drains me.
Hard to want to say I love you and not be able to (I konow she knows I do and I think that scares her and pushes her away).
Ok, went through with the plan to meet for swimming today. Things went fine. She has said that for the next few weeks, one of the bosses is on vacation and he has made up th schedules for them. So, he has asked that noone ask for vacatio time. Oh well. As we talked, she said we'll have to see what my schedule is like and I don't want to be gone every night from the kids like I have been since I started working. Hey whatever, we'll see what happens.
Tonight after she drops our daughter off at dance, she is meeting for a drink. Also, something we already had talked about. We were going to grab something to eat too; but she is going to eat with the kids. Again since she doesn't get to lately since her job started.
So, I guess what is happening is that she was a bit more friendly; but nothing of substance yet. I guess I will keep going on and if a date comes my way, fine. If she and I want to get together fine. Just want something to take a godd turn be it with her or someone else. Like I said, I would prefer her; but only she can make that choice. I am already willing; but am not going to just sit and wait either.
