Dealing with the mood swings is very hard, hers and mine. Somedays im fine and she is not sometimes its the other way around.
Being single is weird. Lastnight I was on the phone to a woman and my X called (we are still very very close). She got mad when she found out it was a woman on the phone lol. I got home today and told her I would call her later and she said "are you going to call her?" This from a woman who has slept with I dont know how many men.
But in her foggy eyes, sex now means nothing to her unless its us. (been 6 weeks since we had sex) I blame her abuse for that.
I do have a feeling that someday we will be together again when she comes out of her MCL but im not waiting around. But I will keep the door open, I have no desire to get remarried or get serious with anyone period and funny she does not either. She told me 2 days ago that when we decide to get married again we are going to Vegas. Yep she said that lol.
Just hang in there, learn to be single and maybe just maybe she will come back. Just leave the door open if you want and dont go for a rebound relationship.
Well, let's see...yesterday was a tough crappy day!!!
I met my stepson to workout. Based on the following, who knows if that will continue. I hope so. On the way home he and I talked and he told me that his dad was making it hard for him because he basically threatens him about getting C's in his honor classes. My son tries and I told him that he jus needs to make sure he does the best he can and be honest that he is. I then asked him if he would take a family portrait with the other 3 kids and I, if his mom would let us. He said yes. So far so good.
Well, I get to the house and I had to go in to give my daughter my camcorder and show her how to use it. I need to get out of there soon, as I had the concert to go to (My friend 2hrs before it starts said he would go). I needed to speak to my X to tell her that I am moving into an apartment temporarily. I plan on probably moving into the town the kids live in as soon as I can find something that works. Well, tell my X and she looks at the paper and say "This isn't any better. I thought you would move closer." I figured she would at least be happy that the kids had a place to go that didn't have my parents rules, etc. but she wasn't. I said what it the problem? She said that this doesn't give the kids less travel time. I told her that this was temporary and that I didn't move away from them she moved from where we were. Needless to say, we went to the other room and had a conversation that I really didn't want to have right then. (I had planned on backing off from her as Just_Me said.) She started on how it wasn't fair to the kids that they should have to travel 20minutes to go to dad's when there is property in the same town they moved to. I told her again that this was a temporary move until I found something I felt I could be happy with and would be good for the kids. Again she said that she figured that when I moved it would be closer and that would help the kids and her. I said you? She said yes, so I can go out and work and maybe go out sometimes. She then says that she takes care of the kids 24x7 and that I get the kids and drop them off and then go out. I told her that I would trade that in a minute to be with my kids daily. I said why do you think I asked for the extra day with them. She said because you were angry at me and wnated to get back at me. I told her no, that I wanted to be with my kids. That I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce and I wanted to work things out. She said it took 2 of us to get here. I agreed. I said that is why we should have tried. She said after 10yrs that when I realized, that it was too late. I told her that it is never too late. She seemed to me to be using those words; but not really believing in what she said. I honestly think her sister or someone talked to her over the weekend and she is afraid to give us a chance. Alot of what she said regarding me being around, in the house etc. were word for word what her sister said. However, my X was more than comfortable in having/inviting me in and having a drink, talking to me , etc. We never got into shouting or yelling and such, very cordial; but the conversation went south. Then I said, what about last week when you needed someone and I was there. I said "Do you know how hard that was to listen to? It hurt; but I told you I would just listen." She then starts to twist it into "I just needed an adult and you were there. I should have never told you. You gave me a card that said immunity and obviously you didn't mean it." I said I did and stick by it. I was there for you and still would be if you needed me. Hell, I went to her doctors appointment and was there for her. She knows it and obviously she wasn't so uncomfortable with me then. She disrobed right there with me in the room!!! She kept pushing me away by mentioning how she always was responsible for the kids and I was never there (Not true; but in her eyes it was). (All the while when we were talking, we were able to hold each others hand.) Well, I told her that I have busted my butt to get back to the person who I wanted to be, was and she married. She said good do it for you and the kids. I said I was; but that it sucked that 2 people who loved each other and married each other couldn't stop and look and work on things. To me that is sad.
She then started back on how she figured that I would move closer to them and I said why would it matter to you? She said I meant for the kids. I told her I agree and that I was still looking and that this was temporary. She again talked of how I got to go do things and go to Cooperstown, etc. I told her that it isn't all it's cracked up to be and I would rather have been with my family; but I wasn't given that choice. I also told her that the trip to Cooperstown was a thought my friend had to do on the way back from bringing his mom to his grandmothers in Syracuse. She also started on how I was trying to keep the kids friendly with some of our old neighbors. She has too. SHe brings 2 of our kids to visit people. She said they live here now and have made new friends and that they don't need me getting together with them. Hey, isn't that my choice?
Well, there is alot going on in my head that is hard to all put down here. I will say this. From her body language, I think people have been filling her head with you need to move on, you live here now, you and he shouldn't be together, etc.; but I can tell that she still has feelings and tries to hide them. The thing is we do both agree; but she is not hearing that. I figured that she wouldn't want me living that close and I questioned how I could handle being close to her and seeing her around. Finally, I said what if I met someone new and ended up with them? How do you think the kids would feel about me? She said they may actually like that person. I think she still cares, feels pressuredand I was getting ready to back away; but all this came out before I could
Well, my friend and I drove back from the concertand he concurred with Just_Me and said I should give it 30 days and backoff, etc. and see how I feel then and what has happened with her. If I want to go on another 30 then do so, etc. Heck, I was trying to GAL...Before we got to the house and my stepson and I were leaving the gym, I checked out the volleyball schedule and thought how I could do that when I moved here.
I am not ready to give up yet; but I wonder if I am just being an idiot and stupid? I still belive there is the possibilty to reconcile; but she definitely needs her space and her asking me to be around clouded that. You want to go with it; because she indicates that it may be what she wants; but she needsthe space. That is hard for me; because it means letting her go and possibly losing her to someone else, as I won't be there to show myself to her!!! Then again she may see it isn't greener and wonder what I am doing in my spare time...
Mistake #1: You listened to everything she said and believed it. Unless she's ready to reconcile she isn't going to tell you "yes, I'd like to work it out with you", that just isn't the way it works. For a year I heard how my XW and I have "been there, done that", but that was just to keep me at arms length.
Mistake #2: Invalidating her feelings. Let her own them without trying to talk her out of them.
She said she wanted you closer and you refuse to believe that it might not have anything to do with you. She really might want more time without the kids rather than want you around. The issue isn't clouded. Back off and stay backed off until she indicates otherwise. Be friendly and be a little aloof.
Quote: That is hard for me; because it means letting her go and possibly losing her to someone else, as I won't be there to show myself to her!!! Then again she may see it isn't greener and wonder what I am doing in my spare time...
Frank, you never had any decision in whether she was let go. Whether you give her space or crowd her, she is going to do what she is going to do. She will either date other guys or she won't. Your chasing after her and always being around will only serve to annoy her. In my opinion, women don't find that very attractive. Keep her guessing as to what you are doing.
Quote: Help!!! I just want to feel better.
Can't help you there.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks. I just need the support that I get here to get me grounded and to sometimes make me feel better.
Well, I was on my way to work and my cell phone rang. IT was my X...(fearing the worst I said "Hi, what's up?" She told me she was calling to see if the State had taken out my support money; because she has not seen some in 2 weeks...(Man the state sure can make a mess of things if 2 people can't talk to each other. Thank god we can!!!) Well, I told her yes, they did and she asked me if I knew when and such. So, that when she calls them, she can have all the info necessary. All in all the call went well and I told her that I can front her the money if the state takes too long. She said no, I will manage. (obviously her trying to be independent)...She even made a comment on how she had to get a late fee for a bill because she was short on cash. I said don't hurt your credit rating. (We had worked so hard to get it back during our marriage; because she had had to file for bankruptcy before I ran back into her) She said well the kids have food and whatever I need to take a hit on right now is the way it is. I said please if the money does not come in soon, then let me know and I can advance you till it gets there. I also said that right now I have some cash there. If I didn't I wouldn't be able to offer you it.
Well, that conversation finished and I said do you have a minute? She said yes. I told her that I stood behind that immunity card that I gave her a week ago. SHe said well you didn't seem to want to last night. I told her that it seemed like we both had a bad day and that I didn't wnat us to have had that conversation last night. So, I said please if there is anything you ever want to or need to talk about, I am still there for you. She said okay. So, I hope I smooted that over. Then I told her that I was talking to my friend who is almost the CFO at a company. He asked me is my X might be interested in a customer service job and that he could use her as a reference. When I passed it by her, she seemed interested and I told her that as parents, we could work something out so that she could do this if offered the job. She then did the same I can take care of it, as far as the kids, and I just let it go. (Yeah for me) Most I said was that if it madethe difference between her getting a job and not, that I would drive to take the kids to school in the morning and that when I moved closer, that it would be easier too. I also, said that if you were to ask my friends, they know I have no intention of staying in the apartment I am in now. I am just waiting for the right thing here in town and that the reason I took this apartment is because it is month to month and can move uickly when something does come along.
I was pretty much ready to hang up and her sister came into her house. So, I said remember, that we will find a way to make things work for the kids and if you need anything don't hesitate to call. Then I said I will tlak to you later when I come to get the kids. She said okay and I said bye.
Hey, not any progress; but maybe I saved some animosity by my behavior and actions on that phone call. WHich I think could have gone alot worse. Must have confused her to have me upbeat after our convo last night.
Just, thanks again for keeping me grounded. Not sure if in the end it will bear fruits with her; but at least I feel I did the right thing!!!
I told her that I stood behind that immunity card that I gave her a week ago.
I've been following along, but you have mentioned this a couple of times...what is this immunity card and what is the thought behind it...I think I like the idea...just want some more info on what it is and how it was presented to W. thanks for the info. Vince
It was an idea concoted by my buddy and I. We knew she was or had had an affair and the point behind it was that to get her to feel comfortable in talking. I didn't know at the time, that she would end up spilling so much..it jsut all happened at the same time she needed to talk.
Basically, it was a piece of paper that I ended up laminating like an ID or membership card. It said something like:
Immunity Card for ------ -----
This entitles the bearer of this card to speak freely about anything that is on their mind without fear of judgment. We will just listen.
on the back:
Our motto:
We all make mistakes. Noone is perfect. It is when we learn to forgive ourselves that we find happiness.
This was kind of a lighthearted attempt to get her to talkand feel comfortable. IT worked because she really did need to talk freely, unbeknownst to me. I will sy this...I don't knw if we will ever work this out; but if we do, I think that will be a big factor in her mind; because she has mentioned the card a few times.
I continue to pray that she eventually comes around or I learn to let go.
very interesting...how far along in the seperation or D were you when you gave that to her? Was the A not the reason for the seperation? Or did you just not know at the time?
I really like the idea, but I don't know if it is too soon in my sitch...I just filed on Friday and I think some tempers need to cool (hers) for her to be receptive.
Are you in the process of D or just seperated heading that direction?
I have been separated since July 2004 and divorced since July 2005
As far as the affair, she insists that it happened in May 2005 after we were headed she had filed for divorce in Spet 2004. I want to believe her on that; but I do think the guy had been working his way in since the separation. He's a player and recently she jus figured that out. Unfortunately, she can't understand why that hurt me so much.
It may be too soon for you. The reson I did it was because she had started to open up to me and it was a last ditch effort to see if she might open up more without the fear of judgement. The hope was that she would see that I am a forgiving and understanding person. Did it work??? I'd like to think so; but only time will tell. By that, I mean that I think she sees that I am not the guy she wants to portray me as. But, for there to be an "US", she needs to want to come back and that is the sticking point with us now. I don't know if it is guilt, pride, stubborness or that maybe she never really loved me and is afraid to say that??? Like I said time will tell; but waiting this out is killing me....lol
I know that noone has the answers to this but her; but I guess I could use some more of your insight into your sitch and how it compares to mine. ARe they similar or does mine seem more gone than yours was? I mean, I have been separated since July of 2004 and divorced since July 2006?
I really would love to have her come to the table; but how long becomes too long? I mean, she has a friend whose parents were apart for 15yrs and remarried 7yrs ago. I have another who divorced and one year after the divorce they remarried and have been together for 10yrs? I have people who never fixed it either. Believe me, I am not going to wait 15yrs!!! lol But I am getting to the point where I still wnat to fix it; but also don't want to be a fool or stupid about it.
Just in case you are still reading my posts, I want you to know that I do GAL things, just that I do love my X too.
For instance, I go visit my friend every Tuesday, Meet up with another friend after he finishes teaching school at least once a week, I workout with my stepson 2-3 times a week, I plan on trying to play volleyball or darts. Problem is that darts and volleyball are on the same night. Volleybal is alos near my work, so unless I eventually move, I will have to stay at work for awhile until it starts. I am tryingto get my life together; but without alot of friends around like years ago, it gets lonely.
