I've got some worries I'd like to get some input on. I've been lurkimg around here for some time--it helps me from slipping too much. Or does it?
Anyway, my H and I have been back together since June. At first it was a little uncomfortable but I started relaxing and I usually feel pretty good about how I contribute to our M. Lately I've been feeling a little unhappy that things didn't change very much on his end when he came home. Sometimes I think it's even worse.
H seems even more unavailable than he was before. He comes and goes as he pleases, he calls sometimes to let me know what he is doing and sometimes he doesn't. We don't do much of anything together except meet up at the same place on Friday night (always the same place), and he doesn't seem to want to be there as a couple. He's there and I'm there and he thinks that is good enough. Sometimes we don't even sit together. Many people comment on how he treats me, i.e., he doesn't even talk to you, he doesn't even sit with you, why do you even stay with him. Honestly, I try not to let that talk influence me, but it does make me wonder sometimes.
I work really hard at GAL. I have many more activities going on than I did before we separated. If I want to do something and he doesn't, I do it anyway. When he comes home late and wants dinner, I sometimes make him something, or leave him leftovers--sometimes I just tell him I didn't make dinner cuz no one was home (meaning him and my son).
Sometimes I think he tries--I make sure to let him know things he does that I like. I told him I liked it when he smiled at me across a crowded room, and I notice he does it more. He thanks me for things I do for him more often than he did.
He just seems so wrapped up in himself. He fell and fractured a bone in his arm and he went on and on about how much it hurt, how I couldn't imagine how much it hurt. It was all I could do to remind him about the broken back I had a few years back--that is pain you dumba$$!
He also started drinking just before we separated in April of last year. He'd been sober for 10 years. My first H was an alcoholic so I've been educated. I don't even talk about it. I just hope someday he will realize it's the cause of some of his problems--weight gain, fractured arm cuz he was running and tripped while drunk, DUI last year, high insurance rate, always broke, etc.
Anyway, I'm just disappointed that I worked hard, got him back, and things just don't seem to be any different. I think I have changed alot, but am I missing something?
Want to get past it. Work to get past it. Choose to forgive, from the heart. Learn to live in today. If needed, get help from a godly counselor. 2. Watch what you say. (Proverbs 13:3; 18:21; Ephesians 4:29-32)
Understand the power of your words. Think before you speak. Never verbally assault someone's dignity, self-worth or character. Don't manipulate with your words. Use words to build, not to destroy. 3. Look at your looks. (Proverbs 15:1)
Non-verbal communication includes:
The tone and spirit of your words. Your facial expressions. Your body posture. Appropriate eye contact. Your emotional temperature. 4. Open your ears - close your mouth. (Proverbs 4:20; James 1:19, 20)
How to be a better listener:
Learn to focus your full attention in conversations. Listen for the other person's heart - the emotions beneath the words. Seek to understand the other person. Get feedback on whether you are hearing the other person correctly. Avoid assumptions. Sit on your tongue! 5. Beware of danger zones in communication. (Ephesians 4:26, 27)
How to handle danger zones:
Be tender. Consider your timing. Be tactful. Be tentative. Know when to table a topic. Trust God - don't try to fix everything yourself. 6. Own your own feelings, attitudes and actions. (Psalm 51:4)
Take responsibility in your interactions with others by avoiding:
Genuinely value peace. Clear your spirit of contention. Seek resolution and reconciliation when conflict surfaces. Freely ask for forgiveness. Quickly forgive. Relinquish your right to be right. Pray for peace in your relationships. 9. Make big and regular deposits in the love accounts of others. (Philippians 1:9)
10. Pray, play, worship and work together.
Praying together draws our spirits into agreement with God and our hearts in union with one another. Playing together builds positive family memories and links family with fun. Worshiping together builds our spiritual character and challenges us in our spiritual growth. Working together teaches us teamwork and builds appropriate family esteem.
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
Thanks--some good reminders there. Alot of these things I have worked very hard on. I believe I am very different than I was before the bomb. I examined my contributions to the problems in our M and worked very hard on my "stuff". One thing that stood out was "making deposits in the love bank". I do that but I may not be making the right deposits. I have to remind myself of his love languages.
As for number 10--this is my biggest issue right now. I'm all for this, but he has no interest. He seems to want to be M but still free. I'm really stuck on this. He was somewhat like this pre-bomb, but it seems worse now.
I appreciate the list and will keep it for reference. The reminders are very helpful.
Well, I got up my courage to talk about his seemingly lack of interest in doing things as a couple. I was afraid he would be defensive and angry and I knew I had to choose my words carefully. One thing I did was start out with an easy question to get him thinking and talking. Then I went on to the more important stuff. This worked well. I found he was more receptive and thoughtful without being defensive.
We talked about couples we knew and how they did lots of stuff together. I wondered why we aren't like that. He said not everyone is like that. He said he had actually started making plans with one couple for us to go on a weekend trip, which will be fun. He also noted that I am doing alot more and getting out more without him than I ever have (hurray GAL!). I said I was proud of myself for that and he said he was too! I said that didn't mean I didn't want to spend more time with him. I think he was actually thinking I might not want to hang with him! He did also mention that sometimes he doesn't want to be too close to me when we are out because when I've had a couple beers I started changing into a different person and he doesn't like that person much. Honestly, I don't like it much either and have been finding other things to do with my time and money.
Anyway, I know this talk wasn't a cure for my being lonely for him sometimes, but the talk itself was a real success for me because there was no anger and fighting about it. And we know how each other feels about this.
I am still afraid to talk to him about R stuff because he does get defensive but it might be my presentation that causes that. Gotta keep working. DBing has to be a way of life!
mollie, I wanted to come see your thread, since you've posted on mine. I so wish I "earned" the right to have a thread over here! I'm not even close yet. And because of that, I don't really know how to advise you. You are in such a different place in your marriage than I am. I can understand your frustrations though, and that you want more from your H. I think being at a place and not having him sit with me would upset me, too. You should be getting some attention from him. I do hope that you hang in there and that he comes around soon. I will check back with you to see how things are progressing.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
