Just want to drop by to lend you my support. I know we all have been hurt by our WAS's actions and tend to guard ourselves from further hurt. But, look on the bright side... it doesn't kill us to give our H's one more chance for him to prove that he wants to work on the M. If we don't, we may kick ourselves if the opportunity is lost. I don't know about your H, but some men may be dejected..ie ..in their heads "my wife doesn't want me anymore" and not try to pursue you again. You wouldn't want that right? The only negative in giving H the chance is that we may get hurt again, our egos bruised etc...AGAIN...we won't die from it. We are resilient gals!!!! And we can pick ourselves up then. But on the other hand...we may be on the path of building our marriage together....Just my 2 cents...
H moved back home this past Saturday (3/4). Prior to him moving back in I asked him if this is really what he wanted to do. He told me that he was going to work on this marriage 100% and that he wanted to be with me. He said that he would never, never, ever leave the home again. H also told me that his parents (divorced and remarried others) have told him that this was a big mistake. I asked H if this meant that they no longer liked me. H said no, that's not the reason. They feel that we have tried this numerous times and it would always fail. H said "They don't know what all has happened between us. Only I know what has happened." I also asked him about OW and he told me that I had nothing to worry about like I had to in the past..."I'm through with that b!tch. That was the worst mistake I've ever made in my life." Then I asked him about this OW that he had been hanging out with as friends. H told me that there was not a relationship between the two, even though she wanted more. "There is nothing to worry about. There was nothing going on like it was with OW."
When I kicked H out on February 5th I had thrown all of his clothes in the garage on the floor (they previously had been in our hall closet). When he came back Saturday he said he would like to move them back into our bedroom closet, so I made him some room. Originally he had asked me if I would help him and I had agreed to, however, he moved all of his clothes into the closet while I sat on the bed and watched him. H had already made plans to go out with his friends that night and I didn't mind. H had called me early in his evening out and said "I do love you." My sister was visiting me while I was talking with him and I could only reply "I do too." I could hear the disappointment in his voice when he said "you do?" I don't know if I was too emabarrased to say it in front of my sister (who doesn't know that he has moved back) or the fact that I'm really not ready to utter those words so soon. Maybe him moving back in is too soon.
I have worked really hard over a year to get my marriage back on track and now that it may seem to, I don't know if my heart is in it to see it through. I don't know if it's because I've gotten burned so many times by H in the past OR have I moved on emotionally? I just don't feel that My H is back home and I'm so happy that he wants to work on our marriage attitude.
Like I've said some months ago, I have changed but he hasn't. H still does the same things that annoyed me in the past. It seems that he still wants others interested in what he wants to do and doesn't give a sh!t as to what others want to do. Sometimes I wonder if we are the type of couple who can't live with each other, can't live without each other.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
morning kdk - wow, I felt like I was reading my own post for a moment. Mine said pretty much the same things yours did and I wanted to believe it so much - but I felt like you in that no matter what he did, it just wasnt the same, it never felt as if he were 'home', he was just...there.
it's dishearting to see that things havent changed at all where they're concerned, while you personally have accomplished so much. I know it's normal to feel that way after all you've gone thru and that im sure it wont take long for you to figure out what it is you want.
I totally agree with you that it won't take me long to figure what is I want. My feelings for him have changed slightly. I still do love him, but am I still in love with him? This concerns me...I'm hoping being together for awhile I will know.
A year ago when he would return home I was sooo clingy to him and followed him around like a damn puppy. And now, I feel like I can see us getting back into that same ol' rut we were in before the A. But I will not let that happen since I have learned some DBing skills on GAL and how I can't control who he is.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
A year ago when he would return home I was sooo clingy to him and followed him around like a damn puppy. And now, I feel like I can see us getting back into that same ol' rut we were in before the A.
same ol' rut is not good - I think thats what happened w/mine, he thought things would just pick up where they left off, the whole 'comfort zone' thing which is NOT what I wanted anymore - he was just content with playing games.
I hope things start to even out a bit for you - I know it can be hard after being burned so many times, it holds us back so much ya know
Hiya KDK - I guessed you just need to take things sloooowly. Don't rush. And try to be conscious of your words and actions. The important thing is that we are aware of what we set out to do or say (i.e. keeping to our GAL. Think before we speak. etc etc). Just let that fall off the wagon. Hang in there, and things would be great. Would also give me an idea on the timeline of my own sitch progressing or regressing...
Give this to your husband prior to him moving back:
A Proverbs 31 Man
Who can find a loving husband, for his value far exceeds that of a gardener, handyman, or financier.
The heart of his wife shall safely trust in him whether in the presence of a beguiling lady or a lonely woman seeking a listening ear.
He spendeth more time at home than on the golf course, bowling alley, or hunting trip.
He exerciseth restraint when bicycles and roller skates clutter the driveway.
He accepteth strawberry jelly kisses and peanut butter hugs with gladness.
He fixeth dump trucks and disjointed Barbie dolls with equal skills.
When wife screameth, he runneth to rescue and steppeth on a black spider without ado.
He forgetteth not wife's birthday and anniversary.
He noticeth wife's new dress, hairdo, shoes and purse, and complimenteth her accordingly.
He remembereth her beauty during uncomfortable pregnancies and showeth patience when new baby demandeth her time.
Shampoos, rinses, conditioners, assorted combs, curlers, and hair spray leaveth him confused, but he pondereth them all in silence.
He is not the perfectionist that thinketh an unmade bed or unwashed dishes indicateth laziness.
He hangeth curtains, fixeth faucets, and repaireth steps promptly, and thanketh the Lord that wife naggeth not.
He goeth to ball games and cheereth enthusiastically for son's team whether winning or losing.
He patiently endureth piano, clarinet, and violin lessons and sitteth on front row at recital.
When in-laws cometh to visit, he maketh them welcome.
He occasionally goeth shopping with wife and refraineth from grumbling, though lingerie and millinery appealeth to him not, and he secretly hopeth no other male seeth him.
When waiting for wife in car, he resisteth temptation to blow horn; upon departure, he accelerateth at normal speed.
He keepeth temper under control while helping children with modern math and applaudeth grades received, but he comprehendeth them not.
He refuseth not to attend Team Fellowship meetings and school Christmas programs.
He bestoweth affection lavishly on wife and children and remembereth to express appreciation verbally.
He communicateth freely with wife, doth not pout and sulk during time of disagreement.
His strength supporteth family in times of crises, yet he showeth tenderness and compassion.
He calmly accepteth wife's bewildering ways, though he may never fully understand her, he loveth her just the same.
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." Proverbs 17:27-28
I've been off the board for awhile and thought I would update my sitch:
As last reported H moved back in during the first week of March. Things were good and things were not so good. H would be home during the week but when the weekend came he felt the need to be with his buddies and drink. Sometimes I was invited and other times not. During the times I was not invited H would come home and tell me things like he was more comfortable around his friends, he hasn't gotten used to me yet, he wants to work on M but doesn't know what he's doing, blah, blah, blah.
After 2 months of him being home, H went to visit an old buddy of his in another state. I believe this was the second week of May. Come to find out he didn't actually go visit his friend but instead went to his parents' house and to his sisters' house (which is about 50 miles away from our home). He stayed with his sister for a few days and said he would be home that Monday. Monday rolls around and he said he wanted to spend more time with his family and help them out around their houses.
It got to the point where a few days turned into a week then a week turned into a month. He always had one excuse or another as to why his family needed him there and he wasn't able to come home. I should note that H did call me at least 2 or 3 times a day.
On June 14th, H had promised that he would be home that day. Well, H calls and said that his sister needed him to babysit his nephew in the evening. H told his sister that he would give her a week to find a sitter. I then lost it and asked H "So, I'm being put on hold again?" H kind of chuckled and told me that he was not too happy about the situation either. I reminded him that this has been going on for weeks now. H then asks "So, what do you want me to do, move on?" I told him that that may be a good idea. He said he had been doing some thinking and wasn't sure if we could work things out. I asked if he wanted to go ahead with the divorce because I can't do this anymore. He said yes and at the same time he said he had a bad day at work and was just not in a good mood. H calls me a couple of days later to tell me he was going to drop off some money for me that weekend. He was a no show.
Monday I decided to call him and ask about the money. He was nice and told me to meet him at the bank. I met him and stayed in my vehicle while he talked to me and gave me some money. He was very nice...he told me I looked nice and was stroking my arm. Ever since that meeting the phone calls started up again with him just checking to see if I'm okay and chit-chat.
The following Wednesday he comes by my house to pick up D12 for the weekend and get some extra clothes. He gives me a hug and asks how I was doing (my grandmother had passed away the day before). I told him I was doing good. I handed him a card that basically said that I was sorry for the way things turned out but we could remain friends. I also gave him a copy of the divorce decree that he needs to look over and then I will file it. He was somewhat surprised that I gave him the decree. I have had this decree for nearly a year now and I kept a hold of it in hopes that things would work out. As H and D12 were leaving he gives me another hug and a kiss and told me he was going to call me.
H calls 15 minutes later: Thanks me for the card. He told me that I was his comfort zone. He compares me to other girls and it doesn't last. I asked him if the comparison doesn't last or what did he mean. He said the relationship/friendship doesn't last. He told me that I always stood by him no matter what. I was always easy to talk to and he could call me when he needed someone to talk to. He then tells me that he needed to clear his head (old cliche' by now). All I could was listen and told him that I understood what he was saying becuase I had/have those same feelings towards him.
Since then, H calls me before and after work. Sounding very nice and checking on my well-being. H even said "I always call and check on you." On Tuesday H asked me to call him at work and made me promise him that I would. I did but the call lasted less than 2 minutes. I don't know if this is his way of asking me to start calling him or not. I don't dwell on that. I can probably count on one hand how many times I've called H this month.
Yesterday's morning call, we were talking as though we were still together. H then says that he has been doing some thinking about us. I didn't ask what he meant, I just said "Oh, really?"
I don't know if H is trying to work his way back or not...I don't read into anything he says anymore as I did a year ago. Someone told me that H wants to move on but yet looks over his shoulder to see if I'm still there. I feel that I need to move on with the divorce for myself. As sad and hurtful it may be, I can't live my life like this anymore waiting and hoping that H will find his way home.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
