Grasshopper Im sorry, we are in the same boat,I have had a few blow ups and I learned it moves me farther from my goal.And I know it hard not to snoop.Im about to do the same,I guess Im a need to know person .I have seen pictures,but I dont know who she is.I think it will help me for some reason.So I think you should move into repair mode, the reason I say this is no matter how painfull a situation is if we dont try we will never know what we could have had.My best friend had a much worse situation and has restored her M completly {her H had an affair for 3 years}. They are more in love now than they were in younger years.Keep your faith, I know its sooooo hard.
Well, another weekend in the books and I wish I could say it was a good one. I am feeling panicked today but I am going to control that. My W went out to "dinner with friends" last night and came home at around 10:00. I went downstairs to say hello and get a drink of water before going to bed. We talked about the kids for a few minutes and then I went to bed. Of course she still feels the need to tell me when she plans on coming to bed. "I won't be long, I don't want to feel tired in the morning. Probably in bed by 12:00"...she came to bed after 2:00am. Oh well.
So, I am starting a new week. I have a C session tomorrow. I need to talk to W about going to C. She has never said no, but I think that's just because she thinks it's a deal breaker or that she'd hurt my feelings too much if she did. I don't know. Also, we are supposed to go to her sister's for another b-day party this weekend. I don't know if I can do that again, but I need to for DBing sake. I am back to being numb again. I am looking for all those pretty colors I was seeing in the sky, trees and grass last week but they are elusive. I know they're there but I have to try harder to find them I guess. I wish someone could tell me I was going to be ok. I am really growing but this hole in my heart will not go away. It actually seems to be getting bigger. I faltered this weekend and I fear I may not have many of those left before I push her completely away. I just hope I can stay strong.
I'm still really hopeful for your sitch. Don't be so down on yourself right now...we all falter, but the biggest thing for you do to right now is pick yourself up again and get back on track. Its not easy, but I've seen your fortitude and committment. You can do this! I hope your day gets much brighter.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I am struggling with the fact that I have always loved my W dearly but now I find that I never had the communication skills to let her know/feel that. How do I deal with that knowledge now? I can be specific with her. I can tell her all those years when she thought all I wanted was sex I really wanted affection but didn't know to just speak, or how to act in a way that was non-sexual. Should I tell her this?
I think she won't care since she's obviously got a man who "just knows" what to do but then again, I think she feels that I simply didn't want affection outside of sex. She has said as much. That couldn't be farther from the truth but does it pay now to tell her that, or too little too late. I can't really SHOW her I know what to do now because we're not touching at all now. This really hurts, to know exactly how you screwed up and not be able to do a damn thing about it.
Don't blame yourself! You are not pushing her away! She has already pushed herself away from you and the R to a certain degree. It is easy to put all this on your shoulders but it takes to tango. You are absolutely right you do not want to give her anymore reasons to leave and you are not. If she makes that decision it will be on her own accord. This is the big issue with detatchment. The books say we can only change ourselves if you want to change our realationship. Your W and my W are not in the change mode right now. We can not look towards them for validation. They are in their own world right now. You and I are very alike in that we want them to change and we have been able to influence and control them in the past to change. Now we have hit the wall and can't do that. Letting go of the control is hard. My only recommendation is not to do it like I did! This is where I am at. I have stopped trying to change my W, and she has to live her life the way she wants. I am going on with mine. The hard thing is whenever my W walks in a room or I see her for the first time in the morning my heart fills up with joy and love, and she lights up my world! This has been the way it has always been with me! Even this morning it happened, but when she couldn't look at me I was able to control MY emmotions, but the feeling of joy and love was still there! GH you can do this! This is a dip in the rollercoaster ride. Know that there is ups in this journey also!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
GH, I don't really know if telling her now would make any difference...I think she'll only see it as a "ploy" and its not likely to affect her thinking. Remember, affection is just more than physical touch..if you buy into the theory of the Five Love Languages, it could be any number of things. In my sitch, I guarantee my W is not a Physical Touch, but more likely Words of Affirmation and/or Acts of Service. Have you identified those things in your W? If so, start acting upon them and see if you can get any reaction. Its best to do those things subtly and work up over time.
Secondly, do not place all the blame on yourself here. Its easy for each one of us to do that, goodness knows I've been guilty of it a lot of times, but its not JUST you. There ARE things you can do about it. Keep applying DB principles, learn to speak her langauge (but only subtly at this point because otherwise you many appear genuine) and try to detach to the best of your ability. You were very strong once, you can be very strong again. I know it.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thanks Rob. I have the 5 Love Languages and I really believe what it says. I posted my dilemma about that awhile ago but I will re-state it here.
I think my W is an Acts of Service. She values things being done for her without asking. She is also a bit Gifts as well. So far as I know, she IS NOT Physical Touch, but I am 99% that. Problem is that even before all this started, and I read anything, I realized that I was not doing enough for my W. I changed that. I started doing the little (and big) things that needed to get done. I did things for us, and for her. Really, I have always been one to "service" her in that I always asked her if she needed anything, would bring her drinks, etc. I know that the WAY I did this was wrong, but the intent was there. As for the Gifts thing, I can't claim to have kept up with that. I am not really even sure if she likes that because everything (well, maybe not everything) I have ever gotten her, she found fault with unless it was just what she asked for. When I read that, it makes her look like a selfish b!tch but she never was before. She sacrificed a lot so I could pursue my career(s) and raise our boys. She gave of herself tirelessly until a few months ago and then snapped. So, I have tried and maybe found what language my W speaks, but I think I have been speaking that language for months now and it doesn't register at all. I am so frustrated right now. I don't think she cares about anything I say or do because she's "in love" and no matter what I do, it will pale in comparison to what he does. It's funny because I don't want to put the kids in the middle of this but it seems like they are my only chance at getting her to realize what's at risk since she's totally oblivious to me right now. I won't use them to that end though. I want to, but I know it's wrong for a number of reasons.
Stop trying to convince her of anything right now. Let the control go. Do what you know is right and continue showing her the love that she wanted to see before this all happened. She will see it but I guarantee she will NOT react to it. She will notice but you will get no validation for your efforts. Tough to hear and realize but your efforts will not go un-noticed. They are just being filed in her mind until she is ready to deal with it. Don't let the kids get involved. They already are. Your W is like mine the kids will get to her on their own. If you even show a sign of using the kids to influence her she will use that against you very fast! It is back to the detatchment issue again!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
The more you divulge your sitch, the more I'm convinced we married the same woman! I am completely the same way at home, always have been in terms of service, maybe not in terms of words of affirmation, but always the one to go out of my way for drinks, service, etc. On the other hand, I often wonder whether my she has even cared to speak my language, but that's something for another day.
It is definitely a tough situation because you're right in some sense...she's experiencing that sense of euphoria because of the sitch and she's not taking the time to see what she has in front of her. The blinders are on and that's why it is so critical of you to be the best for yourself and continue to speak the language, at some level it IS registering with her. Unfortunately your expectations are still there.
I'm convinced that she will eventually come around, it may take some time, but I really do. Speaking from experience, reality will set in at some point and she will have to face a decision. In my sitch, if you remember, I was on the other side of the fence and living in fantasy world was very nice because I had the best of both worlds, emotional support from OW and house, W and kids to come home to. At some point, I had to face reality and ask myself some very tough questions. She too will have to face this reckoning and your actions now will speak volumes to her then.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
