Quote: Finally, I could use a pep talk about the long haul. Has anybody here EVER seen a sitch as bad as mine that works out?
Erin, the thing that keeps me going through the long haul is my Christian faith. I know that God works all things out for his glory, and I know that he will bless me for my being faithful to him through this time. I don't know if you are a religious person, but if so, a closer relationship with God will give you strength.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am not sure if I "have my stuff together" as it often feels like a real challenge each day, but it did make me feel good that what I said might be of value.
I did have a little comment on this statement, that I wanted to forward:
Quote: If only I could afford to have a phone consultation.
I know I have spent a ton of money lately on self help and marriage-saving stuff. I have been getting weekly massage, MC & later IC, going to health practioners (Sho Tai, reflexology), a mountain of books ($300 + worth - such as DB, DR, 5 Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs, Surviving an Affair, When a Mate Wants Out, etc. etc.), the DB coaching apointments etc. But the costs to me of NOT doing these things would be far greater than the money I have been spending. I have decided that even if I need to work a little more, eat a little less, what ever, that this must be my priority right now. I can leave no stone unturned. I encourage you to find a way to do the things you believe will be most helpful to you, no matter what. Money concerns are a way for people to stay stuck. I speak this from experience, and have had to re-learn this lesson a few times . In fact, when my H started his A, I was in a real deep worry about money which I had voiced repeatedly. Wasn't doing very much of this healthy stuff then, and I surely wish I had been. Perhaps some of this pain (and even the A) could have been prevented. Either way though, the sooner action is taken to do something that will help and support the direction you are trying to go, the better. Getting a small extra job (even an extra kid after school, doing laundry for others, selling used clothes, whatever) could be the $$ difference needed to break apart something that's stuck. I am a real believer in not letting money be a reason to stop you. I taught this to my daughters better even than I have lived it myself (as I said, I have had to relearn this lesson a few times). So is money is an issue, stop letting it be the issue, and make what you want to do the priority. Everything will shift with that kind of commitment Or so I keep learning
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Haven't posted much lately, as I have been feeling very dark. Nothing I do seems to be making a bit of difference - MC is a disaster, I've got stress fractures in my foot from running too much, H is now planning a trip to Barcelona in June with OW, and he hasn't called to talk with S2 even once since leaving for Colorado on Sunday. I don't seem to be feeling much better, H doesn't seem to be changing at all, and S2 is getting the very short end of the stick. Maybe I need to change my concept of time on this one. I see now how badly I DB'd for the first weeks and months, and I wonder how far that set me back on my goal. The thing is, he seemed to be coming around at the end of February, so I thought R talk was okay...of course, I'll never know what was transpiring with OW at the same time. Truly, I must accept that this is not about me. What if it takes 6 months to see any change? Can I persevere that long? I know - if I'm Dbing time shouldn't matter - it should be a state of personal growth with no boundaries - but (and maybe I have another whole layer of detaching to do) I can't help but think I would greive differently if I were grieving the end of my M for once and for all.
On the other hand, I have moments - few and far between - where I think he'd be too crazy to leave us for good. I'm a good catch! S2 is adorable and bright and rocks our world! However, I know about too many Ms that end even when both spouses are worthwhile and excellent people.
I recognize that a major source of pain for me is in what people will think about my judgement. That is, everyone around us thinks we have the best marriage ever - I don't want anybody to think I chose the wrong mate or the wrong father for my child, to think I didn't try to fix the M, or even that I'm a fool for sticking my him while he abuses my trust and love is such a primary way. Now, almost NOBODY knows our sitch, so all this is concerning the future, but it does add a great deal of pain and fear to my musings on the future. I see that I need to change my view of this, I'm just not sure how but maybe IC will help. Perhaps the key is in limiting thoughts of the future to this week....but then why would I put up with H at all as he is being a complete A$$ this week...if I were living for this week I suppose I would pack up and move home and start over, and that's not very DB, eh?
In the meantime, I'm going to have to tell my parents at least that we are separated. I dread this. They think of him as a son, and will be devestated, and then angry, and then won't leave me alone about the details. I know all this like I know my own hand. I have been engaging in subterfuge for a long time now, and as they want to come see S2 soon, I have to own up. H has nothing say about this. He still thinks that nobody will ever know about the affair, unless I "tattle" on him. What an unfair burden to put on me! I'm going to try to just tell my mom that we are separated, I don't want a D, and I hope she'll pray for us, give me space, and be kind about H because he is her grandsom's father. That should probably hold her for 10 or 12 minutes. Wish me luck.
Oh, and another thing. I've got a whole new subject of obsessive thinking. I'm sure the OW is a bad person, but I just wish I knew a flaw that would end this. For example, the oM is GH's sitch was a giant jerk with a teeny tiny weeny, RB's wife is with a 20 y.o. child, PL's spouse is dating a woman who will never be free to be with him, etc. God, what I would give for a tiny piece of external reassurance! "I'm cute and a good cook" isn't quite enough for me to believe H won't make a terrible decision.
Okay, enough emotional vomit for now. Perhaps I'll log on with something nice to say soon....always darkest before the dawn, right? erin PS it's a new moon tonight - the perfect moon for asking things of the universe. I've got a list.
Yeah, Erin, I've really got it great! Excuse me for a minute while I do my "OM is 20" happy dance
No seriously, I'm sorry that you're feeling so down. I hope you get to GAL in some fun way soon.
I actually think that telling your parents is going to be a great relief for you. You are correct that it can't likely be hidden, and you're only going to frustrate them if you try to avoid telling them the whole story. I'd go ahead and get it out there. I don't think you should worry about your H's reaction. If he says anything, I'd just say that the problem is in the doing, not in the telling. This isn't your fault, Erin, so don't let your H make you feel guilty.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Sorry RB - and GH and PL and anybody else whom I accused of having a better sitch than me. Gawwwd. How pathetic. Seeing your post made me see how ridiculously negative I am being. I'm just stuck in a bad place right now. I can't think of anything else to do, am taking care of myself as best I can with a hurt foot and a kid and a job and a dog and an absent husband, AND, I am loathe to admit, but I have been seeing some e-mail traffic between them this week (shameful I know. I don't know why I can't stop. His blackberry is down and so he is using his yahoo account which he knows I can access - almost like he wants me to see it...) and it makes me want to vomit and then die. And then vomit some more. I've got to stop. Maybe I'll change his password to something I don't know - oh no, wait, that won't work! He he. Anyway, like always, I'm having all sorts of obsessive thoughts about sending her e-mail, or getting my brother, who is a bit of a computer wiz, to send her something that blows up her machine, or talking to thier boss (they would both be in BIG trouble. For real.) I know the trick is to accept that I can't do anything here, much less any of the mean things I am thinking of, nonetheless, here I am thinking about it. It's like when I get hurt really badly, I slip right back into the emotional responses I was having at first. Just like GH says - we're all good at detaching as long as things are going okay...
Anyway, RB, I see how you have suffered through these months, and I really didn't mean to belittle it. I was only thinking about myself and my own misery. Remember this, though, what I really meant is that I have a good feeling about your sitch working out. Are gut feelings worth anything around here?
Please take care of yourself. I honestly understand the obsessive thoughts, the denial (you don't tell people because you fear that doing so makes it more real to you), the revenge fantasy - but you can only work on you now. I'm sorry, but it's a truth learned that you can benefit in simply believing. You don't get it at the moment, but in time you will.
Do get some individual counselling - that is possibly the most productive thing you could do for yourself now. I waited too long and I saw my friends on this board progress and grow much further much more quickly than I did because they were in counselling. Do it for yourself - and while your at it have a massage and a manicure ...
Take care
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Erin, 1) stop snooping - it only hurts you. 2) tell your parents if your are close to them, you may be surprised by their reactions. It made me see them in a whole different light, my Mom especially. My parents love my H like a son, I thought they would break down and cry. They didn't. My Mom is now my rock. Guess what, her marriage wasn't so great either. She supports anything that I say or do. She has shown me how strong she really is and in turn how strong I really am. Just be carefull how many details you give. I may have given a little too many. My M may be getting back on track but it will be hard for my parents to forgive and forget.
Take care of yourself. We are all routing for you!
Erin, I'm sorry that my little joke made you beat yourself up even more. I can assure you that you didn't offend me in the slightest, and there nothing wrong with wishing you had a little something to feel encouraged about.
Nor is feeling down in the dumps anything to be ashamed of. The question is: what are you going to do about it? What's your plan to GAL right now? Because sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself isn't really much fun, is it?
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Just caught up with your sitch, Erin! Hope your foot is feeling better, and S2 is healed from his burns. I remember what it's like to have little ones - very stressful.
My only advice now, is to take care of yourself, emotionally, spiritually and physically. It's good that you run - I started working out during my darkest times, and it really helped me.
What helped me, eventually, is that I finally decided that D was the best option, that I needed to move one without H. It helped me to detach, and I was able to calm down, and focus on other things. I was able to be myself more, and not worry about his moods, or what he was doing. As it turned out, he eventually ended the A by himself, and then pursued me again. I was very surprised, and not sure if I wanted the M by then. A year later, and we are still together. very unexpected!
Anyway, hang in there, go with your gut, don't get discouraged, find a way to know that you will okay with or without him, and you will. Don't ever let him make you feel responsible for his lack of judgment, and don't second guess yourself re your choice of H and father of your child. You did it with the best intentions, a loving heart, and he messed it up. He obviously has unresolved issues that he is, at present, unwilling to deal with. Probably using OW as a band-aid - the excitement of an A can cover a whole lot of stuff, but it won't last forever. The OW, at the moment, doesn't realise he comes with baggage, and once the fantasy, infatuation part of their R is over, it's going to all become quite apparent, I have no doubt.
Stay well.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
. In fact, when my H started his A, I was in a real deep worry about money which I had voiced repeatedly. Wasn't doing very much of this healthy stuff then, and I surely wish I had been. Perhaps some of this pain (and even the A) could have been prevented. Either way though, the sooner action is taken to do something that will help and support the direction you are trying to go, the better. Getting a small extra job (even an extra kid after school, doing laundry for others, selling used clothes, whatever) could be the $$ difference needed to break apart something that's stuck. I am a real believer in not letting money be a reason to stop you. I taught this to my daughters better even than I have lived it myself (as I said, I have had to relearn this lesson a few times). So is money is an issue, stop letting it be the issue, and make what you want to do the priority. Everything will shift with that kind of commitment 
Or so I keep learning 
