When is it time to walk away?

[GratefulMama0204]

Me: 30
H: 28
S-almost 4
S- 20 months
Married 3 years, together 5

I am so lost in this. I found out 1/3 that my husband was having an affair with a close friend of mine. It started out as an EA, then the day after telling OW his feelings [right after Thanksgiving], he told me he wanted to separate. ILYBNILWY, etc, etc. I was shocked. We don't fight, we had an amazing sex life. Things had gotten a bit boring, we had become complacent, btu nothing earth-shattering.

So I immediately suspected it had to do with her, but he denied it, said it was about his unhappiness with me, that he didn't want to work on it, etc. He agreed to go to counseling so that I could come to terms with it and we could leave in a "healthy" way for the kids.

I asked him to move out a week before X-mas because he used me sexually. That is the core issue I had to overcome and one of the main reasons why I fell in love with him was that he never treated me like a body. So to be used by my husband and then told, this changes nothing, devastated me.

We were supposed to go on a cruise over x-mas with the kids, but he backed out. I found out that he brought the OW to my house at least 3x. he played it off as just friends, but it made me ill. I finally got it out of him that he had feelings for her. The next day while searching around on my computer I found a post by her on a bulletin board about having sex with him. Dated the week I was out of town. I confronted him, and he immediately confessed to onyl kissing her. Whatever. The sheets had been changed in my bed.

Since then, he has been demanding a divorce, wanting to start his new life with her. [We actually had sex 3x in the week following me finding out... healthy right?] He has told me that if she weren't in the picture he would be wantign to work on his relationship with me.

His birthday is Thursday and his mom was going to take HER and BIL and BIL's girlfriend out to dinner for his birthday. [She wouldn't allow HER to come to MIL's house, wouldn't allow OW to bring her 5 m/o baby, or H to bring our kids.] Then MIL rethought it and decided to haev it at MIL's house on Sunday. OW is not allowed there, especially because our kids will be there. H invited me to go on Sunday.

All of my friends say hell no. They all want me to file. They think that I need to demand self-respect. That I shouldn't be second choice to anyone.

He wanted to file this week, but wants it to be amicable. He is afraid that if he files before I am ready that I will go after him. So he is willing to wait until I am ready to move forward.

He has the boys on Saturday evening until Monday afternoon. He is staying at MIL's. When they go to bed each night, he leaves to go to OW's.

AND he has recently admitted to lying to me for two years about a painkiller addiction.

I haev stopped going to the therapist, because I he thinks H is too far gone, that he is so emotionally immature that it will take YEARS of work to get him to a place where we can stand as equals. H is still going to IT.

I am trying to stay dark and GAL. I try not to initiate contact, but we see each other EVERY DAY. [He watched the kids while I am at work.] So sometimes we get into it.

EG, last night I asked MIL if she thought OW's 5 m/o could be H's. When she asked him he lost it, called me and flew off the handle. My point is that I don't know my H anymore. This guy is NOTHING like the guy I married.

So I wonder, am I better off leaving him? I don't see their relationship lasting, but I am not sure I want him back anyway. I mean he has a TON of work to do to be haelthy enough for me to want to be in a R with him. [He hates himself, looks for happiness outside himself, expects love to make him happy] I am incredibly spiritual and being with him caused me to deny some of the most important aspects of myself.

I guess I am just lost. I don't knwo whether I should go to the party. I don't know whether I should file. i don't know whether I should get him a present, or just get him one "from the boys." Shoudl S4 and I make a birthday cake for him [tradition] I am just spinning around.

I wish there were some easy answers.

[hopefloats7]

I really feel your pain. I’m so sorry you don’t recognize your husband anymore. Trust me, you are not alone.
I, too, am 2 years older than my H. but we do not have children. It does sound like your H. has a lot of maturing to do emotionally before he could be able to be in a healthy relationship again. (Again, this is how I feel about my H. too). I am beginning to think my H. is not going to be capable of it for a very long time. He, too, has o.w.
My best advice to you would be to read the DB’ing books and try to detach from this. I realize that is very hard when you have children involved. They say that the affairs don’t last, and that’s speaking generally. My H. has been carrying on his for 10 mo.
You could talk to a lawyer (free consult) and get an idea of your entitlements, if you think that would make you feel better. I did this, so I could be prepared, just in case.
Don’t make any decisions when you are emotional. It’s best to wait until you are calm and have really thought it through. Keep posting; I’ll check back.
Many hugs,
Hope

[GratefulMama0204]

Hope- is that your real name? Mine is Faith.

Thanks for responding so quickly.

I have read te books. I just don't know. I feel like I am hanging on to a dream that wasn't real to begin with. I feel like I am mourning the loss of a future that was created only in my head.

I only knew a tiny percentage of who he really was, he only allowed me to see a part of himself. And I based my vision of my future on that. He blames me for never caring to know the real him. That isn't true, I just stopped beating against the wall after a few years and accepted him for what he chose to give me.

So now I see clearly who he is, how lost he is, and how far he has to come in order toheal from the demons of his past.

I faced my demons before I met him and was the most whole that I have ever been. But over time I lost that part of me within our relationship. I started needing him to love me instead of just sharing my love with him. I gave my happiness to him even though I learned a long time ago that only I can create my happiness, I can share it with others, but I cannot get it from another.

So here I am, knowing that he has so much work to do, and he is in such denial, making excuses, blaming me for his issues, for his unhappiness, seeking to love himself by having someone new love him. None of that will change when the A ends.

Do I really want to sit around for years as he *might* make it to a place of health? he has turned to drugs to handle his emotions since he was a young teenager. His T even says that T has seen 20 y/os with more emotional maturity than H. And H doesn't even realize it. H truly believes that he is destined to be unhappy, so he seeks happiness from anything external.

I don;t want to be his happiness again. That is to much pressure on me, and will just cause him to leave again when I can't give all of my energy and soul into him.

So here I am. I know the beauty that his soul is capable of, I have swam in it, I have known his pain and his potential in a very god-like way. he has shared mine. We are connected. BUT, if that connection is no longer healthy for me, do I let go, start my own path, and hope he catches up, or wait around to hold his hand through his journey.

I have tried the second option many times before with many people, and it always winds up with me becoming their crutch, them feeling like they need me in order to be happy.

what to do, what to do...

[hopefloats7]

Hi Faith,
Hope isn't my real name, but I do love the name, and yours. Very pretty.

H truly believes that he is destined to be unhappy, so he seeks happiness from anything external.

Our H's are the same here. I've heard mine say it so many times, how life is so unfair to him, how he's been dealt such a terrible hand (hogwash) and the unhappiness. And he also seeks to be happy externally. He had become so addicted to his affair that it was like watching someone on drugs. It scared me and made me feel I had really lost him for good.
I have a book suggestion for you: Depression Fallout. It's by Anne Sheffield. I think you should read it; it helped me a lot, and I think you could relate to it.

I started needing him to love me instead of just sharing my love with him.

I did the same thing. I realize now that it was wrong of me. It won't happen again, whether it be with H. or someone else someday. We have to remain whole, remain strong in a R. or else we allow cracks in the foundation that eventually break it down completely. Not that we are to blame for what our H's did, but this allows us to see where we need to change.
I don't know if your H. is going to be able to be strong enough to handle a marriage with you again. That is something only he can decide. If you still aren't sure, I'd err on the side of caution and keep DB'ing until you truly feel 100% ready to let go of your marriage. For me, I'm trying to do that so I never have a reason to regret anything I did during this hellish episode of my life.
I do wish you all the best. Take care!

[spitfire23]

I feel like I am hanging on to a dream that wasn't real to begin with. I feel like I am mourning the loss of a future that was created only in my head.

I can so relate to what you are feeling. You are at a whole different place in your life than I am, but I think it is to your advantage to have come to this realization now while you are still young.

I want to know what happens to these people (men) who don't develop emotionally? Their childhoods must have been very scary places to exist. You are correct in your thinking that your H must face his demons before your R can be repaired. Maybe as his A progresses and self-destructs, as they tend to do, he will come out of his denial phase. There is always hope. In my case, I think there is a better chance of me winning the lottery than H ever facing his problems. He doesn't have the courage or personal fortitude to do it.

I wish you well. You seem to have your head on fairly straight. Hug your babies. Be good to yourself.

Spitfire

[hopefloats7]

I want to know what happens to these people (men) who don't develop emotionally? Their childhoods must have been very scary places to exist

Spitfire,
I can tell you that you're right on the money about this.
H. and I used to have talks, deep talks at that, in our earlier years of marriage. He did not have a very pleasant childhood once his father became a WAH for o.w. and his parents divorced. He was only about 12 and his world self-destructed. I believe the things that happened during this time frame really wrecked havoc on my H. and he has never recovered from it. He also has no idea how to be a good husband, because he had no proper role model for that.

[Bowtech]

Coming from a man's point of view. We have less opportunity to speak with someone such as woman do. Woman will sit around a table and be their for each other while men since they are so moncho will avoid that type of discussion. I wish I had a person to speak with who would really understand the cause.

[StrongNSassy]

This is where I just don't get it. Dave doesn't fit the mold...anywhere, obviously but when it comes to stuff like this. I've talked with his parents, him, his sister through the years...they have the greatest family relationship. Probably the best I have ever seen/met. Been married almost 40yrs...had their highs, lows, they rode it all out. They are probably the typical American family...vacations, holidays. They are so freaking close...it was so wonderful to be a part of that...I will miss them more than I will Dave, LOL...but looks like I haven't lost them, just the closeness...His parents didn't do drugs, didn't drink, his dad had one cigarette a day before bed. I'll never get it.

[hopefloats7]

(((Sassy)))
Sometimes, you just can't find the explanation. I'm sure there is some reason for Dave's craziness, but you might never be able to pinpoint it. I know that must be frustrating; all we want is to understand why.

[Bowtech]

Truth be told, I never thought that I would miss my mother-in-law as much as I miss her now. My wifes family has taught me what it feels to be loved with actions and words. The holidays is big for them as well as the birthdays. I need that in my life because I never had that with my family.