Hanging on/The Long Haul #8

[WCW]

Thanks again, Kiwi. You are not overstepping any bounds, I always appreciate your straight forwardness.

I run in streaks, (no-that's not streaking!) and right now my streak is all these memory triggers that keep popping up. Someone sent me a joke, and it referred to a town in Wyoming, and that town happened to be one that was an old memory that H told me about, a relationship he had prior to me. And again, I drift off, and by the time I come back to reality I've faced a lot of demons. It's hard to get back to task at hand. Not all those memories bring up anger, some do. Sometimes I let go of it better than others. What I need is a big hug, arms wrapped around me, and I just want to be held for a while. That would go so far in regaining my PMA. But such a simple thing is not doable for my H, so I have to find another way, and I will. I know that I cannot count on H to help me with that. I do hope that he doesn't hinder my PMA, I know he can do that too.

Probably another thing in the back of my mind is an event we have this weekend, and it is very possible OWB will be there as well. In my current state of mind I don't think I am well prepared to deal with it, but I will anyway if I need to. And I will do it well! Got any kickboxing pointers for me?

In addition to that event, is my annual work party. I have yet to mention it to H. I'm pretty sure he saw the signs posted when he stopped in the last time or two. But I still have to confirm if he will be my 'date'. If not, I will still go. Free food, and I've gone solo before.

95/5, I need to categorize.

[AKiwiWannabe]

Body shots. Nothing takes the fight out of your opponent than a nice hard shot to the lower ribs.

[Phoenix_spark]

Good luck, stay away from all sharp objects. I do well enough at work, it's the coming home that's the hard part. I'm trying not to get to much emotionally detached.

[IAChild]

WCW,

Probably another thing in the back of my mind is an event we have this weekend, and it is very possible OWB will be there as well.

Ooooo girl, this is an EXCELLENT opportunity for you! This is a chance for you to drag out ALL of your feminine whiles! For this event, you need to

• Dress as sexy as you possibly can!
• Wear some perfume that you know drives him wild!
• Spend as much time working the room as possible!
• Let everyone there know you are the most confident woman in the room, and that all the men WANT YOU!

This is a great chance to let H see the differences between you and OWB and show him what he'd be losing!

Do NOT pass this up! Give me a call later tonight and we can work the details! Don't worry about getting too dressed up. Leave those cowboy boots behind and slip into some stillettos! Oh yeah, do you own a thong? If not, go BUY one!

m

[WCW]

Hey Phoenix, change your routine, make a happy stop on the way home. Stop and look at the scenery, go for walk, sip a capaccino, then go home.

Wllowwlk!!! a thong? I have some bad underwear that accomplish the same look. Serious - It's actually more of a boot type event, but I will dress well and look good. I will 'work' the room (in my way, I can't be who I'm not), which will be easy because I am 'in charge' of an important piece of this event (an annual benefit I bust my butt for every year because the 1st year benefitted our granddaughter for her liver transplant), and I am forced to be in the middle of it and interact with the crowd. I dread the thought of being in the lime light, it's not typical of me, but I can do it well when the challenge is there. Hey! I'm feeling better already, I'll try and call you for some great ideas!

[WCW]

Happy February 1! Another month, another mortgage payment paid. Yeah! I asked H if he would help with the payment, he said yes, and yesterday he told me he had transferred some money for me. Turned out to be less than half what is due. I didn’t ask why, I ASSume it is because he knows I had extra income in January from training a horse. But, he also has been paying my truck fuel bill (his cc account) and this year the heating bill. My fuel bill climbs as I GAL. The heating bill should be lower this year than all the years I have taken care of it due to record warm temps. Why couldn’t that happen for ME?

GAL revenge – the few times that I have gone out or been gone when H gets home now comes back to haunt me. Or is it just coincidence that now he comes home even later, which matches the times that I returned home. What’s good for the goose is better for the gander?

Last night I was just finishing eating when H came home. He walked in with a big box, I asked if he brought dessert? He said, ‘it depends, what do you want for dessert?’ I looked at him, long pause, and said ‘that’s a loaded question.’ He gave a little smile, but couldn’t maintain eye contact. I let it go.

He also said he has an appointment with some of our friends in a couple weeks. This is a lady that told me when he came next time I should come along and we’d all have dinner together. I relayed the information back to H, and he was visibly upset about it. That was NYE day. Last night, he volunteered the date and time, and it took a minute for it to sink in (duh) and in typical surprised fashion, I said “am I supposed to come along?” he said yes! And wasn’t crabby about it.

H talked about one of the organizations we volunteer with and are trying to overcome the reputation of the last Board of Directors, lots of backlash from poor management, and they all resigned and dropped the balls on everything. Taking over has not been easy. He even asked me some questions, and we were interrupted by a phone call for me. It happened to be business about this particular organization, and I had coordinated a bunch of ‘stuff’ to the satisfaction of all parties involved. Yeah for me! Believe me, it is not an easy task after the crapola that went on previously, so many people have a grudge against the group, but we are slowly emerging and gaining ground on good efforts. I hung up and said we have more happy people, cool! The conversation then turned to how H has to report back to the parent group, and the reason for his undetailed reports, because if he stood up and reported on all the repercussions and the mess that was left, those people would get upset and it would serve no useful purpose for moving forward in a positive manner. I know he was talking about this organization, but I just thought – if he/we would just apply what he says to us. We would be way past this spot where we are.

I think what I have noticed is that H has to talk more or ask me questions, because I quit telling him or volunteering everything. It’s taken a while for it to start, and it used to really bother me that I just shut up about what I was doing. Now I honestly don’t even remember everything I don't tell him, and when he asks I am surprised that he didn’t know already. Maybe the rewards are beginning, maybe it’s just a phase.

I am sending H an email invitation to ask him to escort me to my work party this weekend. A 180 sort of thing, rather than just say, hey, you coming?

I've been thinking so much recently about past, present, and future. Lots of memories flooding that make me pretty emotional and sentimental, or just mental. It's not all bad, it's gotta come around some time. Been blocking a lot of things out for so long, if I let some of it back in I hope I can just get over it, and let it go. I hope it works.

This morning the wake up song on the radio was “Older Women Make Beautiful Lovers”. Sure! If I could just use it!!!

[IAChild]

WC,

This morning the wake up song on the radio was “Older Women Make Beautiful Lovers”. Sure! If I could just use it!!!

You could have suggested a little "tube steak" for dessert...

[Becca1975]

WCW, Throw on the hottest, tightest pair of Levi's you have. I doubt you usually dress to impress much, but DO IT. A western but low cut shirt, shine up those boots, put on some makeup....woohoo! Every guy in the room will be drooling. You can do it without looking sleazy you know!

[WCW]

You are outrageous!

But here I am serious again, I'm not sure what I would do right now if H came to initiate something. The moment might be okay, if I could shut off my thoughts. But I know he would pull back after that and there would be the big backslide and climbing back out again. I'm doing better with a little easy conversation now than some big physical thing. But I sure could use a BIG HUG, with real arms around me, it would be nice.

[WCW]

Becca, you mean the kind you have to lay on the bed and wiggle to get into? I have to be able to move and bend! Lot's of heavy lifting is involved too for the day. You are correct, sleazy is not my style. I prefer to keep 'em wondering and go with confidence is sexy theory.