Newbie here and feeling pretty much hopeless. Here's the summary. Read it and weep.
H and I got married in 1989.
One child, born in 1991.
New Year's Eve 1996 H gives me the "we're just not meant to be together" speech (a few days later, I learn about OW, who H dumps a few months later) H moves out, but we remain very good friends
Winter 2000: we finally get legally divorced, but remain on very good terms
Summer 2004: ex-H tells me he wants to get back together with me and moves back in
H just isn't very interested in s-x or affection and completely rejects me if I try to initiate anything. He's always had somewhat of a low sex drive -- affected by childhood sexual abuse, (former) alcoholism, and, I suppose, just his general nature. He's been through extensive counselling, which has -- in my view -- only made matters worse in that he now feels that his low sex drive is completely justified and sees no reason to change. He's said that this has been a problem with every relationship he's ever had -- he's able to be affectionate and sexual in the beginning, but soon loses any interest.
He never compliments my appearance (I'm blonde and slender and, in general, get my fair share of male attention). He does appreciate that I cook and clean and generally take care of the house and our S14. (Note: I'm a lawyer who works long hours, while he's an academic, who is home much of the day.)
In the past, I've tried talking to him about it, but he hates any discussion about "the relationship," so I basically don't have any deep discussions with him and just do my own thing, don't initiate any affection or sex, spend lots of time at work (I have a great job) and do stuff with my S14 and my friends. H doesn't seem at all put out by my relative withdrawal and, in fact, seems happy to be left alone to read or look at porn on his computer.
I just don't know what more, if anything, I can try. And I have a few male friends from my single days (I guess I am, technically, still single) who would be more than happy to help me out with my, um, physical frustrations.
I read some of the situations of men with LD wives and I get sooo jealous. Please -- does anyone have any constructive advice, suggestions?
I was thinking that same things as Corri. I'm assuming you are back together for your son? If you are officially D, what is the status of your R now? Just living together?
Thanks for the quick responses. Yes, we're just living together and not remarried. But we didn't get back together just for our son, though that was certainly part of it.
I am really really fond of H. I'm very attracted to him (he has gorgeous broad shoulders, long eyelashes and killer cheekbones). He's one of the smartest people I've ever met and (trying not to brag here), one of the few who can keep up with me intellectually. And he's not totally hopeless on the romantic front. In fact, he just e-mailed me one of Shakespeare's sonnets.
Also, to some extent, given his background of childhood sexual abuse (not to mention his FOO issues), I can understand and sympathize with his difficulties with affection. He's not a bad person. Just a very damaged one.
During the years we were apart, I did a fair amount of dating and had two serious relationships (in one of which we got engaged). I ultimately broke off the engagement for many reasons, but, in part, because I just didn't feel as close to him as I did to H or feel as though my fiance could really understand me the way H can.
I was just hoping that someone might have some strategies to make things between H and me a little better.
Landica Sounds like you and your H have a strong bond, a great intellectual connection, even a little romance, definitely friendship. There is lots to work with there but the history of sexual abuse and "damage" as you stated are ultimately HIS issues. He needs to want to work on fixing them. You cannot fix the M without his help. How about some individual and/or marriage counseling?
Quote: Sounds like you and your H have a strong bond, a great intellectual connection, even a little romance, definitely friendship. There is lots to work with there but the history of sexual abuse and "damage" as you stated are ultimately HIS issues. He needs to want to work on fixing them. You cannot fix the M without his help. How about some individual and/or marriage counseling?
Yes. Yes. Yes. You really seem to get the situation. This sums up exactly what I think/feel.
However, I thought the mantra was that you can change only yourself, that is, try to work on your own issues, improve yourself and act in new ways towards your partner, on the theory that the other person will change in reaction to your changes. Or did you mean individual counseling for me?
Basically, the problem is that H is pretty content with the way things are, so long as I don't rock the boat by raising any of my "issues" about affection/sex. His attitude, put bluntly, is "if you're unhappy, leave." And if I left, I would really have to leave and cut off contact with H. During my single days, my close bond and frequent communication with H, was (understandably) one of the biggest problems in any other relationship I formed.
I think H would be willing to go into counseling for himself (not joint counseling), but I'm not at all sure that he sees his dislike for affection/sex as something that he needs help with. In his mind, if I would just stop bothering him about it (which I've basically given up doing), everything would be fine.
I have a feeling you are aware of the concept of boundary control
He will not step up untill this IS a boundary of yours. Exactly how far you will have to go with your proving this is a boundary is unknown.
You are exactly correct about the EC you had with him during your seperation. No OM will have a chance untill you make a choice to remove him from your life.
Has he ever been married before? His abuse has firmly attached some serious negatives emotions/memories to the powerful triggers of IC and climax. Only he can fix it with conscious choice. If its not a deal breaker for you, as you have shown that it is not, with your actions the past ? years, why should he? He wont.
Never the less there are some different ways you can go about changing your style of interaction that may encourage him to make it a choice.
It starts with you. Is this a boundary... or is it a want? Even if the sex frequecy stays low, the habits of affection can be learned.
As a guy, I am in a simliar situation with my wife. If I make a 'big deal about our relationship trouble' I am quickly shouted down. You went throught the hard part of getting divorce, he hasnt changed and you are feeling the same way you felt before the divorce. I commend you for staying for the child but ask yourself the question "can you live like this for another 10 years?"
Just let me say first that I've been an avid lurker/reader of your advice and analysis of male/female dynamics and I am completely impressed with your ability to explain things. I definitely second the idea (I think it was GEL's, but I could be wrong) that you should think about writing a book containing your insights.
Quote: You are exactly correct about the EC you had with him during your seperation. No OM will have a chance untill you make a choice to remove him from your life.
Right again. And this is part of what makes me reluctant to leave, since I hate the idea of no longer having him in my life.
Quote: Has he ever been married before?
Nope. We've been together since we were 22.
Quote: His abuse has firmly attached some serious negatives emotions/memories to the powerful triggers of IC and climax. Only he can fix it with conscious choice. If its not a deal breaker for you, as you have shown that it is not, with your actions the past ? years, why should he? He wont.
I hadn't really thought about it this way -- negative emotions tied to sex based on the abuse. It make sense. But I wonder why it doesn't seem to affect his use of porn.
Quote: Never the less there are some different ways you can go about changing your style of interaction that may encourage him to make it a choice.
Okay. Here's where I desparately need your help. Please, please give me more specifics on this. What can I do differently? At this point, I'm willing to try almost anything.
Quote: Even if the sex frequecy stays low, the habits of affection can be learned.
This really resonates with me too. Although, in an ideal world, I'd prefer to have sex, say 4x week (with occasional sexual marathons on weekends/vacations ), I doubt this will ever happen. But if I could get physical affection on a daily or almost-daily basis I would be much, much happier. Is it a boundary or a want? I guess I'm not entirely sure, but I'd at least like to act as if it's a boundary and see where that takes me.
Quote: ask yourself the question "can you live like this for another 10 years?"
Well, Lost2006 that is absolutely the question. Sometimes I wonder if I can live with this for another 10 minutes. Or if I'm just stupid and/or self destructive.
And that's exactly why (as I gather from your posts it is for you) the idea of looking elsewhere for the hot monkey sex I can't get from H is sooo appealing. Especially since (I attempt justify it to myself) I'm divorced, so would hooking up once in a while with that old flame who can knows exactly how to make me melt really be sooo wrong?
on his computer.
