Haven't updated in a long time - my hands have been full with the sweetest little bunny you've ever seen. The world has moved on without me, and I'm OK with that for now. I'm taking advantage of a rare afternoon nap to catch up here.
Things with S., predictably, aren't much better now that we have a baby. Somehow, though, we've learned to be a lot less nitpicky and hard-headed, though I still contend I'm doing better than he is in that department. He still flies off the handle and blames me for everything once in a while, the most recent egregious offense on my part being his parking ticket while out doing the grocery shopping for us (I wasn't there). But we are at least very civil to each other, if not much else.
Life with baby is amazing. I still can't believe I'm a mama, and every time I look at her smiling up at me, with her wide eyes and bright, sweet face, it brings me close to (or fully to) tears. It's hard, and I've been completely without any support to speak of - S. is good when he's here, but as he went back to work full-time Jan 2, it's hardly much help. My work has just fallen by the wayside, and I have no time for anything but baby. My e-mailing has dwindled to nothing (save an occasional 1-hand-pecked 2-liner) and my thank-you notes have gone unwritten for much longer than I'd like to admit.
I've been a little disappointed with my friends, and I'm having a hard time knowing what to do about it. One of my good friends, who lives about 10 blocks away (and in NYC that's pretty much next door), hasn't visited me since I was in the hospital. On the other hand, I realize that I didn't understand what it meant to have a baby until, oh, about 12 weeks and 2 days ago (but who's counting?). I am guilty of much of the same with my friends who had babies before me. But I am feeling rather isolated, and even if I do belong to three new mommies groups… it's the old companionship I crave.
As for my R, I've been slowly letting go. S. is mired deeply in his victim role, living out his “tragedy” that “tears him apart every day.” He loves the baby SO much, and he hates to leave her every day to go to work, but the tragedy in his eyes is our situation and the “affectionless” R we are in. I sense that he wants it to be better, and he tries (he really does), but any failure on his part (meaning something he tries that doesn't “work”) sends him back to his tragic tale of woe. Honestly, it makes me gag. I can only listen now, I'm having a hard time validating, though I do do it when I know I won't choke on my words or blurt out “Take some responsibility for your own life, damnit!”
And I find myself thinking about what it will (not would) be like to be liberated from it all, when I finally give up the ghost and wash my hands of it. I'm in this for our little girl, and I'm giving it every bit I have, but I can't help but think that one day the victim is going to get exactly what he keeps lamenting. A real tragedy: A broken family, every other Christmas, every other weekend, blah blah… in essence, what many of us on the BB are living against our will.
Do I sound like the WAW now? I don't want to shirk any of my own responsibility for what's going on, but I have to tell you, at the very least I am not dooming this R to failure every time something bad happens. To hear him tell it, we just don't understand each other and we never will. He says over and over “We just don't understand each other.” And as SD said, it sure sounds like he's pretty well invested in keeping it that way.
I snoop a lot less these days, mostly because I just don't care anymore. There's no contact with SM for months now, but recently S. wrote his other friends in Switz. (who would without a doubt report to SM on the contents of the e-mail) a whole recounting of the last year, playing himself as the ultimate victim. He didn't say anything bad about me, or that he asked me to terminate the pregnancy, but the way it was written sounded like the world was against him and he was just doing everything he could to struggle against the terrible things that happened to him left and right. And I was such a minor player. It was amusing, really.
Anyway, I guess this is my new thread, and when I get around to it, maybe I'll link up my old ones. For now, this will have to do! I wish I could post a pic of my beautiful angel for you all to see. I feel like she belongs in part to this community, because without it, she probably wouldn't be here. For that I am eternally grateful.
Any advice, commentary, or spoofs on any of the above is appreciated. Eventually, I'll get around to others' threads.
P.S. Just wondering after reading sth. Michele posted on SD's thread about being invested in the status quo, and hanging other life decisions on your R... and asking myself, aloud,
What do I have invested in the status quo in my R? How do I profit from "not understanding"? What am I putting off "until"?
And how does having a tiny baby allow me to make, or prevent me from making, progress in my own life? Does my R absolutely have to "work"?
Hmmmmm... shove over on the discomfort couch, people. Lady with childbearin' hips sittin' down.
Hey there, J - Well - is there any hope for making this silk purse out of this sow's ear?
In the interests of being able to say you gave it your best effort: - how are you meeting SO's needs for affection at the moment? - what LL's are you using to express your appreciation for him working to support the three of you at a job he doesn't care for? - how are you greeting him when he comes home from work? (Suggestion - handing him the baby and saying "here! I'm going to take a shower" is NOT the best way! ) - how are you paying attention to him? (Don't forget, most guys are blindsided by the loss of attention when a baby comes along). - are you happy and showing it? (One thing I've learned here, men fear -and eventually leave - women they feel they cannot make happy)
I know, right now your days are exhausting and you really feel like HE should be the one meeting all YOUR needs. But - if you want to be able to say you did your best - make sure that these next few months paint as good a picture as you can of the domestic bliss available to SO if only he would give up his victim status. Sure, it may take you actually leaving for him to miss you - but wouldn't you want to be sure you left behind a lovely picture worth missing, rather than an image he'll be relieved to be rid of?
As to your question of what you are getting out of staying stuck - well, the most obvious one is financial. You are getting to stay home with baby while SO provides. I imagine if you had a 10 million dollar trust fund you would never have moved in with SO in the first place, and you certainly wouldn't be there now. Nothing wrong with that - SO is obligated to provide for his family IMHO, and your baby is too small to be entrusted to daycare.
BUT - if you are anticipating that a move may be an inevitable part of your future, it may benefit you to start figuring out that Plan B now. I know you're running into that barrier that it really is impossible to work from home with a baby, but the more you plan and save and think about how you could manage on your own, the less "stuck" I imagine you'll be.
As for SO - I'm imagining a conversation between the two of you, where you say "I love you now and I always have, that's why I fought so hard for our R". Where he says "I'm just not in love with you". You say "You fell in love with me once, and fell in love with me once again. What makes you think you can't fall in love with me a third time? Don't you know that those feelings can fluctuate?"
Don't know when the right time for that convo will be, or what the outcome would be. Just writing some dialogue, I guess
Jennifer - Happy New Year, and a warm welcome back, you have been missed ! I'm in the mood to tie up loose ends, and cannot resist the urge to link you up, so here goes:
So good to see you posting again, though it would have been nicer to read about another DB success story.
I recall a time when you and S were making better progress, and working through some R books (with their attendant exercises) together. Which of those worked best for the two of you as a couple? Any chance you can get back to that?
And here's a daring suggestion. Do your Moms' groups include opportunities to help one another with child care? Not for a return to work, but maybe for a couple hours while you and S just get something to eat, see a movie, take a walk, whatever. If that's QT, so be it, but it would also include chances for non sexual PT, WOA, etc.
If you post a picture somewhere, I'd like to see your darlin'.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I'm so excited to get your news and so pleased to hear that your little one is bringing you so much pleasure.
I agree with Ellie that I'd like to see what you are putting into your R (short of being civil and not gagging!) For my part, my babies have been much easier to love than my H and yet babies survive much more easily than their parents' R. I think the seeds of neglect in our R were sown with each baby.
Of course, S will seem annoying to you if you are wired like many of us mothers. As my sister often says, there is no competition when it comes to a fully grown man versus an adorable sweet-smelling baby. (She is in love with baby number 3 at the moment and doesn't think she'll ever want to ML with her H again now that her family feels complete.)
I know you feel detached from S right now but you certainly did lots of DBing to get him back. I still remember that time and then your reunion. Your feelings for him may change again in the future. Don't give up on your R--for your sake and your D's.
I hope to read more from you and look forward to following your sitch. Hang in there and give S some affection!
xoxo Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
You guys never disappoint... I can suss out a resounding WHACK! Get back in there! Stop whining - you've got a baby now and you need to make this work! And you're absolutely right.
Thank you, Slowly, for linking up my threads! I never would have gotten around to it.
Ellie, here's my crack at your questions - been typing two lines at a time for a few days now. I'll get to more later, but this is what i have so far.
- how are you meeting SO's needs for affection at the moment?
Not much. I'm trying to improve in this arena since he told me how “starved for affection” he was. I had no idea - thought he was detached and distant and didn't want me near. So I'm reaching out, giving hugs, squeezing shoulders, pinching fanny.
- what LL's are you using to express your appreciation for him working to support the three of you at a job he doesn't care for?
Well, definitely AOS (see below). WOA to a limited extent. I need to ramp up the WOA for sure.
- how are you greeting him when he comes home from work? (Suggestion - handing him the baby and saying "here! I'm going to take a shower" is NOT the best way!)
Ha! I can tell that having an infant isn't too far away in your memory. I get a shower about once every three days… Well, here's where I'm shining. I am knocking myself out to use my only window of opportunity of the whole day, the evening right around dinnertime, to make the bed, wash the dishes, straighten the living room, and break out a new recipe to make a delicious, elaborate dinner, 5 nights a week (no kidding). So when he arrives home around 8:30, a new and different delicious meal is waiting, everything is clean, and we sit down to a lovely dinner. My need for creative expression is met to a certain extent, I get a cathartic hour or so to myself while the baby sleeps, and we have a good conversation over good food. S. loves food and he loves my cooking.
- how are you paying attention to him? (Don't forget, most guys are blindsided by the loss of attention when a baby comes along).
I try to let dinnertime be a time when he can unwind and talk about work if he wants. When he comes in the door, I always say "It's Daddyyyyyyy!" to the baby to let him know he is missed during the day. I get him something to drink when he comes home. At night, even though I'm usually nursing the baby and my back is to him, I make an effort to contort myself so I can reach out and squeeze his arm or shoulder. I always say good-night with a kiss, and when i can scoot away without waking the baby, I snuggle up behind him or (his favorite) scoot my back up to him so he can snuggle up to me. I admit I need to be more attentive to the WOA and appreciation. It's hard when I feel like I'm doing EVERYTHING but going to work.
- are you happy and showing it? (One thing I've learned here, men fear -and eventually leave - women they feel they cannot make happy)
Here's where I definitely am NOT shining. I try with the WOA to boost him, but I guess my disappointment can easily show through a lot of the time.
Sex, which always worked so beautifully for us, has been nonexistent since well before the baby was born. We fumble around now and it's awkward, and haven't ventured into the world of actual intercourse again yet. I hope this isn't TMI, but it's important, especially since sex is what was working (and sometimes the only thing that was working) before. Last night we attempted to be intimate and it turned into an exhausting couple of hours of awkwardness and frustration. So we're working through it. We're both aware that we want intimacy, and we're getting there slowly.
OK, must get back to baby. Thank you Ellie, Wendy, Koshka, Slowly, Andy! I'll be back - obviously I need to be here more often. You guys are going to keep me in line.
Jennifer
P.S. Koshka, we talked about going through the R books and never did. We barely got them read. We never did any exercises together. Maybe we should break those out again in our spare 15 seconds a day! S. just went back to work, and I am covered under domestic partner benefits. I'm going to check to see if T is covered, because we decided to quit T for the time being, and though it was stressful and she didn't turn out to be so great in the end, we still need T, I think.
Quote: Last night we attempted to be intimate and it turned into an exhausting couple of hours of awkwardness and frustration. So we're working through it. We're both aware that we want intimacy, and we're getting there slowly.
I'm a little confused about this. What exactly is the problem? I mean, you touch him, he touches you, if the equipment works, then you have sex, right? Is it the baby interrupting, or him having performance problems, or too much talking going on????
How about setting the trap a little earlier in the day. Send him a naughty email about what you want to do to him tonight. Let him cogitate on that all day. Make sure you squeeze in a shower today
Sounds like you're doing a fabulous job greeting him at the end of the day (except I didn't hear the "dressing up and putting on makeup and perfume" part in there anywhere?).
Here's how I solved my shower problem, btw. Either put the baby in the carseat and set it just outside the shower so you can watch them while you shower (even if they're wailing - you can shower quickly) - or - shower with the baby (hard to hold them when they're soapy, though, and impossible to wash your hair then).
One other thing to add to your "merchandising" when he gets home - music and candlelight. Pick upbeat music that will put you in a happy mood.
OOOOHHHH! I've got it, an idea for a new baby invention to allow moms to shower. A waterproof baby carrier with a clear "umbrella" top, so you can set the baby in the shower with you???? Not quite sure how they'd breathe, though.
PS - J, about that counseling. Why not try something different and go on a date once a week instead? You'd have to get a sitter for counseling anyway, and after my experience with MC, I'm sure we would have been better off if we'd spent that time dating instead.
Eventually, I'll get around to others' threads.
)
Wishing you a restful, and more sociable, weekend.