Hey, bigAl. I'm not sure I feel too smart right now.
Here's a snapshot of how I feel: Today changes nothing as far as my R is concerned. But it gives me peace of heart to know that this sitch in fact has had *nothing* to do with me. My H has spit on all my wonderful memories of our R and our M, and he led me to believe that he never felt the same way. Today, I feel somewhat vindicated. I feel like he's finally remembering the R that *I* remember. And he's acknowledging that *he* f*cked up. If I never see or hear from him again, what I took from our conversation today will be enough.
How is this different than what went on last month? Well for today, it's different because *he* reached the realization on his own, after he moved away. I didn't initiate the conversation with him today. I wasn't validating anything he said. H obviously thought of all this on his own. No one told him to feel this way. He realizes his own faults, and how they led to him abandoning me and my Ds.
H has "the life" now: A GF who can get him all the jobs he'd ever want (and her daddy's a builder, so I'm sure he helps, too). His GF is "in love" with him and I'm sure spreads her nasty-a$$ legs any time he wants her to. He's got his freedom, his own apartment. He can ride his bikes whenever he wants to. He doesn't have kids. He's got all his own money and does his own budget.
So what is it that makes him miss all the "chaos" that he so quickly ran from just five months ago? Obviously, the love I've known we had in fact existed ... and not just for me.
H may not call me on Saturday. He may decide that he *can* love OW. He may decide that he's too far gone to come back around. And I am okay with that. But what sucks for me (as long as I allow it to) is his indecision. He comes and goes -- without any warning whatsoever for either. And it also doesn't feel right to be his W, listening to him tell me how he can't make himself fall in love with his desperate dorky GF. Of course, what would be *really* unfair is having to listen to him tell me how in love with her he is.
There's a part of me that believes that now that his life is in shambles around him, and he realizes how bad he's messed up, he's gonna want me to help him figure out a way to fix it. He'll probably want my advice about breaking a lease without pi$$in' off Big Papa. But I'm not goinna fix his mess. I didn't get him in it, and I don't feel like I should help him out of it.
Granted, I don't believe that's what's prompting him to come back around ... *if* that's in fact what he's doing.
He said to me today, "I came this close to coming back home, and then I just changed." (He was referring to last month.) I asked if his feelings changed, or if it was more an ego thing. He said, "I guess it was an ego thing. It was just my way of saying, F*ck you.'"
I'm not going to project or plan what to do next. If my H is ever going to be my H again, then he took the first step today. But we've got a 1,000-mile journey ahead, and I don't know if either one of us is ready to take it. How 'bout I just put one foot in front of the other for now? First, he'll have to call Saturday. If he does that, I might be impressed...
I think it would be best to stay out of his drama until he actually makes some decisions that will stick. Can he dump OW and be on his own, or will he kinda dump her, go back to you, change his mind again, and a month and a half later you're going through it all again? Did they just have a fight and it's bounced him back your way? I'd be very wary if I were you and make him prove himself a little this time. Also, how can he explain away all the horrible things he's said? I'm not saying not to give him a chance, but you already gave him one easy chance, and this time he should work for it a little and firmly decide it's what he really wants.
I also think following through with mediating a separation agreement would be wise, just in case you need it.
Hey Preggo. I think ka_zump has it right. You're plan sounds good, just step by step. I also agree that no matter waht, you are not there to clean up his mess for him. The man is definitly confused about many things and not capable of dealing with them properly, but then you knew that.
Of course, I can see how it can be satisfying to hear he had that perspective too. Personally, my XW has never once shown a glimmer of regret and can kind of make you second guess yourself after awhile.
Does he have to be served those papers within a certain time, or can you delay and see what happens?
Oh no. They're a done deal. Signed, sealed and delivered (well, almost).
Is there any way he might have gotten wind of how harsh they were going to be?
No. In fact, he was still under the impression today that his L had dropped his order against me from November. I told H that he wasn't going to like what he read, but he said he understands my position and the position of my L. I kinda warned him, though, that it was going to be harsh. He said that he knew I didn't have a choice.
Relax, it doesn't have to be decided tonight. Go slow.
You're right. Ka_zump, you hit the nail on the head. I've said that if things would *ever* work out, he's going to have to show remorse this time.
He just called again to ask me details about what papers I've gotten from his L. He said he's calling his L tomorrow, blah, blah, blah. I told him he wouldn't be able to fire him now that things had landed in his court. We talked a while about my L and H once again talked about how much he respects him and how pi$$ed my L probably is at him. He told me that he was going to tell his L that "We're not getting D; we're getting M again and going to Hawaii." Of course H was being sarcastic.
But he did imply that he wants to put things on hold. And he reminded me that he wants to get together soon.
Don't worry; I'd make him beg a little before I'd even open my mind to the slightest possibility that things would work out.
But ya know what, ka_zump? I like your grit. Makes me feel like I got a back-up! Why don't you come to N.C. and give my H a piece of your mind?? I'd pay you!!
Personally, my XW has never once shown a glimmer of regret and can kind of make you second guess yourself after awhile.
Yes, it can. However, I would argue that they *all* think it. They all have it. It's just that some of them say it, and some of them don't. Your XW still has dork boy by her side. If my H was totally happy with OW, I'd have never heard the words out of his mouth either.
Holy crap, Preggo (Sorry Al, my first reaction also.)
In a blink of an eye stuff can change, I guess. Something definitely must be up over in Fantasyland.
OK, I can't help myself...practical stuff first. What did he mean the structure of your house is trashed? That might be high on my list of concerns right now. Can this be repaired? Is there any danger to you and the girls? Sorry. Stuff like this worries me.
WOW to all that other R stuff. Please go very, very slowly. H is obviously very confused. We will see if he calls on Sat. He might be singing a different tune after he has a look at those D papers. Even with the warning you gave him, they still may sting.
I am particularly intrigued by him getting in your space and feeling your tummy. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
Please keep us posted to what is going on. Stay strong. There is a lot that has to happen in order for the two of you to heal and be back on the right track.
Hugs,
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Oh, Spitty, you're so sweet! No, the structure of the house is fine. It's an old house, built in 1915. And H likes to make me think that things are falling apart without him. He always has to point out that I need a new car or new tires or a new roof, whatever. It's funny how those things were never on his to-do list, then became emergency situations two months after he left. Puhlease.
Stay strong. There is a lot that has to happen in order for the two of you to heal and be back on the right track.
Don't you worry, GF. I don't know many other ways to be than strong; bigAl will tell ya! I learned a very, very valuable lesson last month. I won't get my emotions involved this time at all. I won't hope. In fact, I'm not sure I'd even know what to hope for. I won't really do the work. I'll just sit back and listen. H has a lot of explainin' to do. I was willing to let some of that go last month, but I won't now. Many avid DBers may wanna kick my butt for it, but I'm sorry. If H isn't sorry for what he's done, there won't be a W for him to come home to. He can go wreck OW's life.
Quote: We talked a while about my L and H once again talked about how much he respects him and how pi$$ed my L probably is at him. He told me that he was going to tell his L that "We're not getting D; we're getting M again and going to Hawaii." Of course H was being sarcastic.
Maybe not...you never know honey...but could you work it around the 4th of July weekend? Of course, we could ALL meet in HI and be there. Then our Aussie friends might even show up.
Me's thinking that hubby is doing some serious thinking...but who care's what he's doing...what is your take, how are you feeling...how's our little DB baby doing these days?
I've been following your sitch for a bit now. I've wanted to hit that husband of yours over the head for quite a while now. I am thrilled to death that you had such a positive interaction with him at your house. That's great! However, the cautious side of me tells me to keep your barriers up a bit and really make him earn his way back to your side and back into your heart. I'm sorry, I don't know if it's because you are really at this vulnerable crossroads or what right now, but I think you need to be careful that he's not trying to clean up his act a bit so he looks a little better. Just be careful!
Mystia
No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.
Why don't you come to N.C. and give my H a piece of your mind?? I'd pay you!! 
Puhlease.