r u ok? I have been thinking about u all morning...did she come home real late?...any excuses? why did she not want to decide between OM and u? I feel ur pain on ur sitch...I know u might not be thinking ur dbering right now but what ur going through could help a lot of us, including you (for feedback)...please update when ur ready.
Quote: r u ok? I have been thinking about u all morning...did she come home real late?...any excuses? why did she not want to decide between OM and u? I feel ur pain on ur sitch...I know u might not be thinking ur dbering right now but what ur going through could help a lot of us, including you (for feedback)...please update when ur ready.
Vince, this an e-mail I sent to a very good friend this morning about last nite take it for what it is: I am done with the posting right now! I am so far away from DB that I might as well start my own message board! So to fill you in I finally went to bed on my own. She finally came home at a 11 pm! I was not going to say anything but it was too much to take, and I want to take action (Or should I say vent and F/U on my morning outburst) So that is what I did! I tried to speak calmly but that only lasted a few minutes. Her story is yes she went to talk to him, and then she went to a movie by herself! I said tell me the truth, and she said she was but couldn't look at me (does this whenever she is telling a big lie)! Well she said she can't end it with the OM, and that she is screwed up. I asked what happened to what she said in the afternoon, and her breaking it off because the OM is a bad addicition and is going to hurt her! This went back and forth and then she started to talk about how when she was talking to the OM that she realized I was being controlling again, and that it was my fault for her moving back in because I pressured her, and that I knew that she was not over the OM! I lost it! I told her she was a willing participant, proclaimed her undeniable love for me and wanted to be with me forever, renewed our commitment with new rings, and that she gave her word that the OM would never be contacted again or in her life again! Boy am I a master manipulator to get her to say all that by myself! She had no response so I used the same speach again that this has to end and if the OM is so great go live with him and destroy your life! See how much support he will give you in school, and that she would have never get through school without me! If she were to share this with any of her friends or family they would say she is acting crazy and that to get as far away from the OM as possible! I also said if she is addicted to him, it is like a drug, and that she needs an intervention! Well she had enough a said stop! I kept at her with that she needs to make a decision him or me and if it is him then go be with him! Finally stopped and went to sleep! She aske me to sleep on the couch, and I said no! As long as I am living her I am sleeping in my own bed!So we slept together! Middle of the nite our 4yr old wakes up looking for Mommy. I always get up with the kids, my wife never has, so I said if the kid wants her Mommy she should have her, So I woke up my W! Well she did not like that! Kid went back to sleep, and W said I should not be so rude and I did not have to do that! I lost it again (3 Iaam)! Said in the morning she decides if it is the OM or me! I an fuming, and want her out of the house! I go down and get our suitcases (stil out from Mexico) and bring them up to the bedroom! She sees and says what the hell am I doing! I told her if it is the OM she chooses to pack up and leave! We stop and try to sleep! Morning comes, and she says that she can't believe I brought up the suitcases! I told her to make the decision. She says she choices neither one of us, and that she is not leaving and I can't force her out! (There was alot more said but I am trying to keep it short) She showers, I feel bad, I go in and apologize for blowing up again! She says I have every right to, and I don't deserve this, but I should not blow up in front of the kids! I tell her I do not want her to leave, but we can't go on like this! All she says is I know! I mention that she thanked me for being a friend to her and being there for her, and I said what about her being a friend to me and being there for me! She got angry and said you are right I am not being a good friend to you and again asked to stop the conversation! SORRY this is long! Last thing before she left for school is I told her again that I am sorry, Icare for her deeply, and love her beyond words, but this has to stop, and I don't want to hurt anymore, she does not need to be hurt anymore, and I don't want to see the kids hurt again! Well I am sure I left out alot of important points, and I will fill them in on the next e-mails, but you have a life to!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Well I am so far from DB right now... I hope people at least learn one thing from me and that is what not to do!
Why would anyone express a silver lining benefit to others over being the "poster boy" of what not to do, as if there's no avoiding their actions, when it's totally in their power NOT to be the "bad example" in the first place, I ask myself?
In other words, why would someone who can make a choice to act otherwise, and has the tools at hand to implement that choice, instead justify, to some measure, their current conduct?
Tim, question for you to ponder: Is it really that you're unable somehow to have control over yourself and give so much control over yourself to your W, which I don't believe to be the case, or is it perhaps that deep down tucked away all hidden somewhere, is a fear that if you did do the "right things", that she might come back - and you're fearful therefore that she'd hurt you again? And so, you unconsciously sabotage, acting in ways therefore that practically guarantee the death of the relationship? Ask your C to help you examine that.
Quote: Tim, question for you to ponder: Is it really that you're unable somehow to have control over yourself and give so much control over yourself to your W, which I don't believe to be the case, or is it perhaps that deep down tucked away all hidden somewhere, is a fear that if you did do the "right things", that she might come back - and you're fearful therefore that she'd hurt you again? And so, you unconsciously sabotage, acting in ways therefore that practically guarantee the death of the relationship? Ask your C to help you examine that.
Now THAT is deep. Something to ponder in all our sitches. Thank you NYS once again.
I had an event a couple of weeks ago that I did not post about. Actually didn't tell too many CLOSE friends about.
I dropped off the kids with W after a regular visit night. As I got in my car and got ready to leave I noticed a car coming up behind me. Ok, I wait for them to pass...This car slowly drove past me and then proceeded slowly around the corner and then stopped where as I could see the tail lights...HELL NO! I waited in front of the house as this CAR went around the corner. Then the lights disappeared.
I whipped the car around and went around the block the other way. As I got to the corner I saw this CAR coming up the street. I wheeled my Jeep in front of him and as I ALMOST made contact with this car I gave the driver a dirty look (I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!) I drove away...
NOW, I really wanted to confront this person as my adrenaline was very high and I just had to see it for myself. But I didn't.....
Two Reasons...
1. My kids... 2. My Wife...
There were only two things that were going to happen If I went in ther guns blazing...
1. I was going the Hospital.. 2. I was going to Jail....
Now, As I stood on my dads porch on the other side of town...I realized something...
There was nothing I could do about it. SHe is going to do it regardless of what I wanted. Therefore why bother jepodizing my job, my kids and the amount of pressure that I would have put on my W at that moment. Do I think that she wanted my to stand up for her? Maybe. But My emotions were so so high that night that It was better for me to calm down and let it go....
The problem with my marriage is not with him it's with my W. SHe made the choice and I'm letting her be responsible for that choice.
After that night I have not seen any indications that an A is still in the bucket. Does that mean that it's not happening. NO. Do I care? NOPE. Why? Because I can't control her and the things that she does...
Does that mean that what I did scared him off..Probably not. But my presence is now known...Do I recommend confronting him.....NO!
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! DIG IN AND WAIT IT OUT>>>PAITENCE!
THink about this. Do a another 180 and let it go for a week and she what she does/says....
It will be hard but if you want your W (DUH) try it.
Work Like you don't need to money
Love like you've never been hurt
Dance like no one is watching
My Story
Just to share anecdotal advice, I found myself in a similar situation very recently. I confronted OM and W together when I found my car parked in shopping mall parking lot. They came rolling up in his car and I immediately flew into a rage. I called the other man out on the carpet, ready to defend my honor so to speak. At that moment, several things registered very clearly to me. 1) Any action on my part would NOT be appropriate as it would either land me in jail or worse, 2) OM is not the only reason this is happening, 3) no matter what I do, it wouldn't change the fact that this was happening.
At that point, I began to believe that no matter what I did, she wasn't going to change the sitch based upon how I felt...it was her walk, so to speak, and she had to come to whatever conclusions on her own.
Tim, I feel for you so much. I read your sitch and it makes me both sad and angry. Ultimately, there does come a point when a person has had enough, and only that person knows when that time is. The only advice I can offer is that you make certain, before taking any action, that you have reached that point. Acting out of anger or on a whim is only going to lead to regrets. If you feel that your W and family is the most important thing in the world, then you will perservere and find the strength to move forward. If you find after deep reflection that you cannot, then you must also consider the consequences. Sorry again, I wish we all had the power to make WAS see
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Tim, I'm sorry if I was too harsh with my previous post. You don't need anybody to stand up for you but yourself.
I'm just trying to say that I don't think being so accomodating, setting boundaries and then apologizing for them repeatedly, and trying to get your wife to say ILY at the end of phone conversations is the way to go about winning her back.
Hopefully you've been at this long enough to have changed some of your traits which led to this situation and proven to your wife that you will always love and support her. However, there comes a time when supporting her to destroy you and the family becomes counter-productive.
I know my post was hard and probably made you angry. I hope the anger came because you realised the grains of truth in what I said.
I'm not telling you to react emotionally and angrily towards her. Just set simple boundaries to protect yourself and the kids from her destructiveness and enforce them without apologising.
Hopefully you've been at this long enough to have changed some of your traits which led to this situation and proven to your wife that you will always love and support her. However, there comes a time when supporting her to destroy you and the family becomes counter-productive.
I know my post was hard and probably made you angry. I hope the anger came because you realised the grains of truth in what I said.
I'm not telling you to react emotionally and angrily towards her. Just set simple boundaries to protect yourself and the kids from her destructiveness and enforce them without apologising.
I appreciate everyones post. Sometimes I need some reality also. Anyone who has read my sitch knows the struggles I have had. My question is what are the boundaries. I was very clear I want her out if she wants to stay with the OM. So now what? I want to get back to DB. So what are my new bounadries. I have thoughts already but I would like input from others!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I would like to first apologize to all those out there who contributed to my post and tried to help. It meant alot! I have been doing some soul searching, and I realized I lost a big thing in my life since I found out my W is back together with the OM. I lost respect, and compassion. I did not respect my W, and I lost the compassion for the one person I truly love. I lost the respect for myself to know that I am a better person than the way I have been acting, and I lost compassion for myself to allow myself to feel the emmotions and to let them flow without reacting. Tomorrow is another day and life will go on. I have to find strength from within, and set the example that I truly want to show for my kids. My W will live her life the way she feels fit, and I have to let go. I have been trying to control it again ever since we started this rollercoaster ride again. I have gained so much from this message board: knowledge insight love compassion and friends Now it is time to take action that will be positive for myself, the kids, and with hope for my realationship. Starting right now I am going to live my life for me. I will allow my W to share in it when she is ready. I will always be there for my kids, and I will be there for my W when she asks for it. I will give as much as I can to others and expect nothing in return. I will show respect and compassion to all the people I love not just my W. Hopefully people will still read my sitch and get something from it.
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
