Hi everyone. I am so glad to see that there is a group of people that may understand what I am going through. I am currently living with my BF of 4 years and we are talking about getting married. But our relationship has of course had some extremely rough bumps. One of the worst is that I don't trust him. I am D by a cheating H so now, my warning system is always on red alert. Anyways, the biggest contributer to my not trusting my BF is that our sex-life is so nonexistant. I had always believed that men think about sex all the time. Isn't that why the media is skewed the way it is. We are bombarded by it every second. Anyways, we are lucky if we have sex once a month. And typically that is because I initiate it. It is not just the lack of interest in sex though, I can go to bed naked, which is very rare, and he doesn't comment, touch me, or act as though anything were different. He has let me know through comments he has made and other ways that the body type that really turns him on is extremely slim, very "Hollywood". I am a mom, 30 yrs old, and have a life that does not allow me to have that body, mine is close though. Needless to say, I have gone through bouts of bulimia and anorexia because of this. We have talked about that and he knows that I was only trying to fit his fantasy, and he swears that he loves me, thinks that I am beautiful, sexy, and that he is happy with it. I also told him that it scares me that if he isn't wanting or needing it from me, that maybe he is getting it already somewhere else. He tells me he is just different from other guys and doesn't really think about it much. But I do find Maxim magazines that he buys and hides, and the other day, I found between 200-300 porn websites on his favorites list. So I know he has a sex-drive. I just wish he could aim it towards me sometimes. He has been sick for a few weeks, so I haven't been pushing the issue, but this last weekend, my son was with his dad for 4 days, (which never happens). We didn't do anything. Monday I was gone picking my son up, and Tuesday, I found evidence that he had masturbated. I just don't know what to do. We hug and kiss(with no tongue of course) and that is it. I feel as though I am dating a jr. higher. I never sleep anymore because I am so hurt and frustrated (in everyway). I don't want to just walk away from a relationship that we have both committed so much to. But I can't imagine choosing to spend the rest of my life with this much pain. Not a second time. Sorry this was so long.
Hello clueless. Welcome to the board. You are at a great place with a lot of people who understand what you are going through. I know as a woman in a SSM you can feel so alone and freakish kind of. Because the typical stereo type we always hear about is men want sex all the time.
I can totally hear the pain in your words. I can say I know how you feel. I to have a husband with a low sex drive. I to have a husband where I have seen evidence that he masturbates. It is heart breaking I know. But one thing you need to know or come to terms with is that it's not you. It's him. I don't know maybe our men are wired differently. Maybe they have hang ups that we aren't aware of. But don't make yourself sick over this. You have to stay strong and healthy for you and for your children.
One thing I can say is in a small sense you are lucky that you are not married yet. So you do have a choice. It's much easier to leave when there is not the string attached that you said wedding vows. My advice would be to walk away if you know deep down that this will never change. I would try and have a heart to heart with him and let him know in no uncertain terms that you are unhappy with your intimate life. Tell him this is something you would consider leaving over.
As cally said...you aren't alone. I'm married to an LD male myself....it's taken us quite some time to finally start working through our issues.
Ok...you know your H does MB, he has a sex drive. He uses material with "fantasy" females in them....women that aren't realistic, women who are airbrushed and graphically fixed to "perfection"....something you can never be...no matter how hard you try, so try to remember that. Sure, if someone airbrushed photos of you, I bet you could look like that too....try to cut yourself some slack with the knowledge that, it's not you....it's him. But I know his behavior sure does make you question yourself doesn't it? There are several of us on this board who have gone through, or are going through, the same thing you are....you definitely aren't alone.
I would highly suggest counseling for the two of you. Your H is likely to have issues that perhaps he's not even aware he has....my H had many more issues that he knew about. Sure, he was aware of some of them....but not aware how deeply they affected him (and I) until the C started addressing them....and giving him the tools to work through them to start chaging his behavior.
FWIW...my H has always loved me VERY much, but didn't show it. I received pecks for kisses...you know the type you get from a friend or a parent. His hands NEVER roamed anywhere, and when we did ML (which might be once every 3-6 months...once it was a year) it was the same thing everytime. His behavior isn't all that surprising to me.... few years ago, it would have been. But since I've been researching and working on this issue with my H I'm finding....it's not so rare. I'm not the freak I once felt like I was.....and you certainly aren't either. But there are issues to be dealt with, so certainly.....do not marry him until this is resolved.
Here's a couple of suggestions for you.
#1 Get a good marriage counselor, one who deals with relationship and sexual issues.
#2 Be specific with him about what type of behavior you need from him. You may feel you've told him what you need, but all too often we still are vague. Saying things like "I need you to show me you want me or find me attractive" is vague. Tell him specifics, you might want to sit down and think about some of the things he's done in the past to you, sexually...or non sexually that you really liked or that made you feel special, that way you can communicate those to him...so he knows specifically what behavior he can repeat.
I just want to thank both of you for responding. It does make me feel better to think I am not completely crazy for hanging in there. As you all I am sure know, if you talk to fam/friends, their first responses are leave the jerk, you deserve more. But I have learned that no matter who I am with, there will be problems, and you can't leave everyone. It has made me feel so much better that him masturbating rather than turning to me is something that other LD's have done. I guess I worried that it was the "kiss of death". When we talked about the porn he flatly dismisses them as unrealistic and that he knows the difference between reality and fantasy. I guess it is just hard to believe that sometimes. I have definitely been thinking about counseling lately, but neither of us has any money for it, we are both college students starting over in life. But I do have the wonderful blessing that he is willing to talk and deal with the issues that come up in our relationship.
I think if the LD is occasionally masturbating instead of directing that energy towards their spouse, that is no big deal. If the vast majority of his sexual energy is being directed at his computer, you have problems. The sheer number of websites he has saved would worry me, although I am admittedly waaaaay naive about men and porn.
It sounds like he masturbates VERY frequently and has sex with you once a month or less. That balance would be completely unacceptable to me.
The fact that you've complained about it and he doesn't change would set off alarm bells with me. Does he feel compelled to turn to the porn?
If it were me, I'd keep an eye on it for a while and try to get an idea of how often he mbates and try to determine if there could be a possible addiction. From what I understand this is a difficult thing to overcome and would definitely require professional help.
There are organizations that you can get counseling through that base it on your ability to pay. If you go to unitedway.com they can refer you to someone in your area that does counseling based on your ability to pay...this can mean you pay only $10-$15 dollars for a session...sometimes nothing at all. It just depends.
Wow thanks for the info about counseling. I don't know how receptive he will be to going, but it is worth a shot. As for his frequency of mbing, I don't know how often. I honestly don't think it is that frequent. But I do plan on trying to look for signs. We have seperate computers so I can't just check if he is still checking out web-sites. He said that he only looks at the porn once every couple months or so. It is very frustrating because it is hard to tell how much of what he says is honest and I am just paranoidly disbelieving, and how much is possible lies to save his bacon. During different conversations, he has said very comforting things. Such as, he is not the type of person to waste time with someone whom he didn't consider to be the whole package. And as we are not married, but looking to be, it does seem rediculous for a man to marry someone whom he is not attracted to. I have recently found out that I have general anxiety disorder, have always known that I have serious problems with anxieties, fears, stress, and such. Not to mention have been talking to family members and have found out it runs in both sides of my family. So I am also trying to figure out how much of my fears are based on reality, and how much are just true paranoia. I do believe that alot of my concerns are based on reality, but am trying to figure out if I have let them get out of control I can't wait to start getting help for my anxiety, hopefully it will make things alot clearer and less distressing with me and BF.
Sorry to hear you are in this boat with the rest of us! If porn is part of his sex life why not make it part of yours too? That is something I would do with an ex-BF that was into porn. He had the mags laid out on the pillow behind me sometimes or sometimes I would make like I was licking the girls in the mags. That turned him on so much he pretty quickly forgot the porn and focussed on the real life hot momma underneath him! This was not EVERY time we ML just a variation on what we did together. IOW I did something for him that turned him on - surely that is what ML is all about. Sometimes guys have a problem explaining why they like porn and feel that their SO will not like it. BTW once we would get going the mags would wind up on the floor someplace and he would tell me I was way hotter than any of those girls! Which I guess is what you are looking for, him to tell you and act like YOU are the real thing for him and not those fantasy women.
If he likes it and gets turned on by it why not see if he would like you to join the party?
take care
Fran
Last edited by haphazard; 01/15/0611:57 AM.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I guess it is the type of stuff he looks at that makes it hard for me. And my past. With my ex-H, he was seriously into it. Would bring home Playboy, Hustler, and Penthouse every month. So we did get into doing the porn thing together. It was fun sometimes. We would watch movies together or look at pictures and say what turned us on about them. But then he still kept cheating on me and left me for the OW. They are currently married and miserable, but that doesn't help my issues.
My current BF doesn't look at sex porn. Just pics of girls posing sexy in panties and things. I think that is what makes it hard. There is nothing for me to join in on there. At least not that I can see in my hurt state. Also we have bought some movies to watch together yet never have. He knows that from time to time I MB to them but he shows no interest in watching them together. He wanted to know why I felt there was a difference between what we were doing. I told him that I was turned on by the act and it was the only outlet I have. Besides as the HD in the relationship, I am always eager to be with him, never say no to anything. He however was looking at specific girls. In fact some he had returned to there sites so many times he had created folders for them. It felt like an A b/c he kept looking for the same girls specifically.
After I first found the mass of sites of cute girls on his computer, I decided I would fight back. So I took his camera and took some pics of myself and emailed the good ones to him. That night when he got home from work, I still had my computer on and told him they were on mine too. He got very giggly and made me show him real quick. He really liked them, said they were awesome and joked about sending them. But I still didn't get lucky.
Ok..so you took some similar pics for him and he liked them. So have you continued to do this. This could be something he really appreciates and continuing to do this for him might reap the benefits you are looking for.
What about doing that, printing them off and hiding them in spots where he'll find them when least expected? I did something similar to see if my H would like it (when I was trying to figure out if he liked ANYTHING like that at all). I took a few pics of myself, picked the best of them and printed them. I hid one where he'd stumble across it at work, when I wouldn't be around (I wasn't worried that he'd share the photo with other men, that's not his style at all). He really liked this! It also had the affect of putting ME in his mind the rest of the day
I've made myself a note on my computer to do this every so often (so I don't forget)....so he continues to get these little surprises, but not "regularly" just when he leasts expects it.
