I need help and fast! I think my stitch is getting out of control, and I made a major error!!!! I do not know haw to link my old posting to this new one but it is "Now what - Did what I was supposed to" My wife went to her "study" group last nite. When she got home we had a glass of wine and then went to bed. She seemed a little distant to say the least. Went to bed and after the lites went out I asked her if she still felt stressed (I was refering to her big exam this weekend). W: Yes my wheels are just spinning there is alot going on in my head Me: If you want to talk about anything I am here for you when you are ready w: There is so much for me to sort out and deal with and I have some major sessions with our councilor very soon! NOW HERE COMES THE BIG ONE! w: Can you just be my friend through all this? me: Of course I can I will always be your friend! I am here for you, but does that mean we stop being husband and wife, and you want to be just friends? w: What do you think it means... me: I am not sure explain it to me? w: I ahve so much to sort thru I just need us to be friends me: Do we just stop being husband and wife, and goto being just friends? I am there for you but this is tough becasue I will always be your friend!
The conversation went on from there! It did not go pretty becasue I started to pressure her for answers. I told her that the "Big pink elephant" representing the OM has been avoided and it is staring us in the face. I also told her that when she took the call from him right in front of me that it really hurt. I went on about her and I being happy and as individuals and that is when it went sour again: w: Stop pressuring me! me: How am I pressuring you I need to know? w: Stop and think about it I am going to sleep!" pause me: what about the OM are you seeing him again? w: Interesting queston......Am I seeing him? Well you know we have been talking....and you know my feelings are unresolved right from the start, middle and even now me: So what does that mean? w: You deserve better than this! You have become a doormat and you deserve better! me: I am not a doormat! I have done what I felt is best and I have tried my best! All I want is us to be happy as individuals and together! w: Stop can we just go to bed! I am going to sleep on the couch! me: No. Sorry. I just want.. w: Just stop OK and stop pressuring I am tired Long pause me: (whispering) I am sorry I love you w: (pause and very softly) I love you to (but it was strained)
Now what! Get up in the morning and act like nothing happened las nite? Bring it up again and give her a little tough love to get her off the sea saw? Shut my big mouth and give her here space and just be friends? JUST FRIENDS! What a load of $#%#%# we both started the reconciliation process and now back to just friends! This is oushing me to the place I do not want to goto again and that is starting over! How can I not pressure her when there is so much unresolved and between us, the OM, and our life!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
You know I have been following your sitch and I hate to hear this but it sorta follows up on what you were talking about last time I posted to your thread. The reconciliation process obviously means something different to her than it does to you. She seems interested in maintaining her freedom to explore her feelings of entrapment and for this OM. Possible she was really never ok with the ILYs and other seemingly normal things in your marriage. Once again, your sitch almost mirrors mine but my W has just not said the words yours has (but I haven't asked either) she just behaves in a way that makes it obvious that our friendship is the only thing she values at this time. Our romantic involvement is a thing of the past for her. I guess pressure on them is bad unless you want to force a decision. If you do however succeed in forcing a decision, it may very well not be the one you want. It also sounds like your wife is giving you the old "if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" line and is upset that you don't just know why it's wrong to be asking her these questions. I feel so much for you. I am going through the exact same feelings at this exact moment. I wake up next to a woman who I have never stopped loving on any level, who I am suffering intense pain to stand beside and offer support to, and I can't even reach out and touch her skin. I can't get a hug. I can't feel anything but coldness from her, all the while my mind filled with visions of this OM getting all of that and more! I guess we just stay the course until such time when we've had enough. I don't know how long that will be in my case. These examples we see of people DBing for a year seems ludicrous to me. I really think I will die of exhaustion by then. Look, I will say again, if she is still involved in your life, or you in hers, then there is still possibility for her to realize she wants to REALLY reconcile with you and build back your marriage. I know it's hard to see that now, and it's even hard for me to say it because I can't see it for myself, but there is still hope. Time is still working and may be eventually pulling her back to you. You just need to keep putting your best foot forward and be great for YOU. Chin up, don't beat yourself up, and learn from your mistakes.
I just read the end of your last thread, including you final post directing us here. Reading your "death sentence" statement made me think of something. This may be a major difference between you and your wife that taking notice of might help. I have just read a book (that was a little more Freudian than I'd like) recommended by my therapist, Getting the Love You Want. That book describes a marriage as a "passionate friendship". Maybe you need to just realize that a friendship within your marriage right now is a good thing, and more than that something your wife wants. Unless she is just getting unattached sex from her OM then a friendship is something she has with him in addition to whatever else. Also, no matter the theory you subscribe to, a strong friendship is something necessary for a strong marriage. Maybe you could think of this as a good thing somehow. My W said the "friends" thing in her bomb drop conversation with me and I think I responded with the idea that when a man hears that it's the worst thing in the world because it means "I like you enough to talk to you but not to ever touch you." It's one of those phrases that men and women perceive VERY differently although I believe we're both right some of the time. What I have come to learn by examining my own marriage's history is that I really stopped being my wife's friend long before anything else. I got defensive in conversations, started taking things personally that were not meant to be, stopped just hanging out with her, and many other things that conveyed the idea to her that I was only really around for sex, TV shows we both watched and when the kids were around. It's really sad that I only see that now. So like I said, maybe try to see that THIS time when she says the dreaded friend word, she may not mean it like that hot girl in high school used to mean it. Let's hope so for both our sakes!
I feel I am almost at the end of my rope! Well she has made it very clear where we stand after her telling me last nite she just wants to be friends right now! This morning we talked more and it was like going in a circle again.... me:I am hurt W: I don't want to hurt you but I need to figure things out this is not fair to you! You deserve better! me: we can figure things out, and if you need time and want me to be just friends I will. But we have come so far to start over again. I love you and I want to be your husband. W: You just keep pressuring me I need to sort things out in my head, and stop depending on you!
Anyways that is the basic conversation we had until just before she left the house , and she wasn't wearing her new wedding rings we just got! She noticed I saw and told me to stop analyzing her! I said how can I not say anything! She told me she does not want to wear them while she is figuring things out! she only wants to wear them when things are sorted out in her head, and she is ready to move forward in our realationship! I thought when we first seperated the pain was intense, but this tops it all! We start to recouncil and then it starts all over again! They way we left it was I told her I will always be her friend, and I am still her husband....and at the end of all this she can have one or the other or hopefully she decides to have both! She came over hugged me and the kids, gave me a token kiss on the check, and then said I love you and left for school! I am completely devestated right now! In my previous postings I wanted to look at the glass being half full, but it feel empty right now!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I want to call her! I want to write her a note....send flowers....go find her at school..... Why does my heart and mind tell me to do this! Why won't she appreciate it! What the hell happened?! I know GAL! Move on do things for yourself! I thought about that what if doing something for yourself is saving your marriage....now what!?
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Tim, my man, you are the same personality type as me it sounds like. You get wrapped up in the expectations of a situation you have in your head and when they don't come true, you obsess over it. You have this idea in your head about how things need to be while you guys work on the R that is TOTALLY not what your W wants right now. She was trying to be subtle in the beginning and now she is being forced to be blunt.
STOP (and I know how hard it is...I can't do it either) obsessing over how YOU think this should work. YOU think she should wear the rings. Well, for better or worse, YOU don't control that. YOU think you guys got to a certain place in your reconciliation but clearly SHE does not, or if she did, she's not there anymore. Nothing you can SAY to her will bring her back to that place and furthermore, you have the luxury of her telling you to back off.
She's trying to get you to stop pressuring her. Point is, your overwhelming need to know where you stand is not only understandable but natural. Problem is that it is also a need to control the situation, something you need to realize that you do not do, but for that matter, neither does she.
She is telling you in no uncertain terms one thing and one thing only; stop talking to me about this.
She is NOT telling you that things are finished. She is even trying to give you some hope between the lines but by reading into everything she says and does, or needing her to explain it to you, you do not allow her to escape that feeling that you want to control her or the situation.
Hell, I wish I could take my own advice but I can't. I do the same damn thing but it's easier to see when it's someone else's situation.
Take a deep breath, collect yourself and realize that it's not over. You still have a chance. You still have choices YOU can make that may influence the outcome. One of them is to give her what she's asking for and that's friendship and space. Of course one other is to call everything off but you're not to that place yet I hope.
Anyway, you are in one of those horrible down cycles again and I really hope you pull out of it. It really sucks to be there, I know because I'm there too...
Big hugs. Now, listen to your W. She's telling you exactly what she needs. Do it! By this I mean, leave her alone, no R talks and NO om talks. Be her friend. When I absolutely stopped talking to H about ow and our R there was a definite turn around in our R. We started to do things together, at first awkwardly and then more comfortably as friends. I took the whole As If suggestion as a whatever? Whenever I would get worked up over H or our R I would ask myself, "Would this bother me if a friend was doing this?" "Would I say anything?" How would I react with a friend?" I probably would react with a whatever attitude and I'm here if you need me.
Since H and I have begun to work on our marriage (affair ended Nov. 9) we have talked about things he said and did. He stated it was in reaction to how I was acting and my questions. He felt pressured, like I was manipulating him and so he would lash out to get me off of his back. I asked him what he meant by pressure but he can't explain it. He realizes now I wasn't trying to manipulate but he JUST NEEDED SPACE.
You need to decide if you can swallow crow and not get into the why is she doing this to me mentality and let her be for now. You are not being a doormat you are actually being the opposite as in she can't hurt you- whatever. Save the R talk and how you feel for after she has positively decided to participate in your M. Hope this helps. Just remember, she gave you the key- stop pressuring her.
Thanx TMU! YOu and I are realy very similar! I hope the best for you! We seemed to be giving each other the same advice but we aren't listening! I guess a communication course will help! You are right things are out of my control, and I hate that! My W hates me be controlling, and I hate it to! Before X-mas she promised me she would never talk to the OM again and it was over! It was heartfelt and very deep conversation. We also got our new wedding rings and she said she would never take them off again and that I am stuck with her for life! So now when everything in a blink of an eye changes, it is hard to ignore! I feel if I did ignore it and "Act as if" nothing was wrong I would not be true to myself! Maybe I only want to be true to my controlling self and this is why she is doing what she is doing! I know stop! Stop analyzing! Let go! I am not willing to let go of my marriage at all but I hate letting go of my wife when we have gone so far! I hope she comes back!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
You posted on your other thread that she said, "What about Tim? What makes Tim happy?" By telling her you love her and trying to please her and spending every waking thought obsessed with her you are pressuring her. She probably feels that She is now suppossed to be responsible for your happiness because hey, that's what you are essentially saying and showing. We all know that only you are responsible for your happiness. Don't tell her things like the only thing that makes you happy is her. Honestly, it sounds pathetic and not very attractive. What else makes you happy Tim (or used to before all of this)? Try to find something and start doing it. It will be very hard at first because it's not fun to do something when you can't stop your mind from thinking of her but you have to. Like exercise, it gets easier.
Thanx Flaneur! I know the key is to stop pressuring her! In my own mind I did that for nearly 4 days in a row! Which is big for me! But obviously it was not enough, and some of my actions were pressuring her! I really try and do alot for her so she is not as stressed at school, but I think she sees that as me trying to control and get to her! I am not sure but that is a gut call. The big pressure comes from the thought of our kids! We have 2 and 4 yr old! While we were seperated our kids completely changed. Insecure, clingy, and not the outgoing kids we have! Now that we are living together they are so well adjusted and happy I on't want to lose it again! I also keep playing in my mind if she chooses the OM who is an alcoholic, gambler, and foremer drug abuser. It puts me in an akward position to protect my kids, which would definetly kill our marriage! Stop I know! Take it one day at a time! Stop pressuring her! How easy it sounds! Thanx everyone for your input! I really have no one else to talk to about this except this message board!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
