Gee, new thread already. I thought these words appropriate for this next thread (thanks Dixie Chicks).
Not much to report here this morning. Still no contact from H, which kind of hurts, although i know i shouldn't let it. I just don't understand how he can't even think of picking up the phone to call me. Today is another waiting game...
Went out to B&N last night. Picked up "For Laci" (thanks hope) and "Surviving Infidelity." Started the Laci book...its very interesting.
So, at dinner last night, i'm having this discussion with my aunt about the whole Laci Peterson thing. She thought it was odd that Scott Peterson called him MIL first, before calling the police or hospitals. I said i didn't think it was that strange, and that my H would probably call my mother first, before calling the police, etc. So, my aunt proceeds to say "he's not your H...stop calling him that...you're separated." You can imagine how that made me feel. So, i said, "no, he still is my H...legally he is still my H." She responds with "well, do you think he thinks of himself as your H?" And i said "i really don't care what he thinks...only what i think, and as far as i am concerned, he's my H." Needless to say, i had to get out the house as soon as possible before i really lost it. I love my aunt and appreciate everything she is doing for me, but that was just really insensitive. Add that to the fact that my H hadn't called in 2 days, and i was feeling pretty crappy.
Today is a new day...hopefully better than yesterday. Not much else is new here. I will check in with you all.
Try not to be too upset with your aunt. I am sure she loves you deeply and what she is saying to you is merely a reflection of the frustration she is feeling. She knows you are hurting. She wants you to be out of pain. She probably thinks that the quickest way out of that pain is for you to"wake up" and D your H. I'm sure she has your best interest at heart. Remember, it's your life and you have to go through this in your own way.
Aunt's reaction is not out of the ordinary, though.
Hope your day is good.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I love when people say things like that...(voice dripping with sarcasm). They think that they're bolstering you... but really all it does is make you question yourself, your motives, your resolve. They're trying to help --- but they're not so adept at it because either 1) they can't put themselves in your shoes or 2) they've been in your shoes and what to help you find new better shoes.
I’m glad you are enjoying the Laci book. I am almost finished with it. I am so sorry for what your aunt said. You know she is probably just saying those things out of love and concern. She doesn’t like seeing you sad, while she knows H. is out with someone else. But of course you are right—he IS still your H. and there is nothing wrong with keeping faith in that. It’s true! I feel the same way, even though mine is with o.w., too. Maybe you could let her know that these kinds of comments are hurtful to you, and while you appreciate her concern, what you need is support and understanding. I have had to say the same to some of my family members. Try to have a good day, Imdi, and I’m here if you need to talk. Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I have found that within this haven we have here, the love and support for what we are doing flows readily and in copious amounts. Outside our little corner of the painful world is another story. Most people have not gone through this and they think, just like people without kids think they have all the answers about parenting, that they have all the answers about handling this situation. "I would kick her a$$" "I would tell him to get the f___ out" "I would find him and take a baseball bat to him" "I would move out and tell her to figure it out without me!" We've all heard it. Hell, we've all felt those things which is why THIS way is so hard for many of us. It goes against the grain of everything we feel is right. Those on the outside cannot have a clue about what we are going through. Before I was in this myself, I would never in a million years have advised someone to do the things I am doing but you know what, I am, and depending on how things go, I WILL advise as many as I can. Hang in there and realize that almost nobody without experience with our kind of pain (and some that have) will understand your methods.
Thanks ladies- I know that i shouldn't be upset with my aunt, and i'm not...really. It just hurt. And i felt kind of embarrassed too...like people think i am a fool for actually considering myself still married...does that make sense? Yes, many people in my family think i should just D my H and move on...hell, they've already got quite a few men lined up for me. But, they just don't get it...i still love my H. There are times when i think, i'm done, that's it, i'm throwing in the towel. And then i think about what that really means, and i realize that i am not ready to not have my H in my life in some capacity. I just can't imagine it. But, i guess i should probably try to get used to it. Which is one of the reasons why i haven't called my H. Oh, the confusion!
Hey brava- Hope you find this response here, as i got locked out of my other thread before i could respond to you. I am happy to hear that you have been MIA for good reasons...being with your sister. I know sometimes it is nice to have your privacy, but i am sure it is also nice to have someone to GAL with all the time!
I echo your posts, Trying and Imdi. In talking with some of my family members, I, too, feel as though they see me as foolish for sticking it out this long. They try to push me to create a deadline…if H. isn’t back by X, then I will file and move. They do not understand the rollercoaster, nor do they see any hope. The only place I find support anymore is here on the board. I know this is the hardest thing I will ever have to do. It is worse than a death. At least with someone passing, there is peace, there is a loving way to say goodbye, there is no fighting, jealousy, nasty remarks, mental games, or pain of o.p. involved.
Imdi, I don’t mean to hijack, but I want to say this here: I want H. to come to me and tell me that he stays away because he knows I deserve better than he is able to be right now. I want him to say he’s not back home out of respect for me; that he is going through something that won’t allow him to be the faithful husband I deserve to be with. If he could say something like that, I think I would feel a weight lift from me.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope- I agree with you...I think this might be worse than death. At least with death, you know that the person didn't choose to leave you.
You didn't hijack...i wish my H would say those things too. I think there is a part of my H that knows that i don't deserve what he is doing. He has said the "you deserve to be happy" line more than once. Thanks for that brainstorm...but, i want to be happy with him. I think that there is a part of them that stays away out of guilt. But, is it enough to wake them up and really realize what they are doing? I don't know.
Last night, after going to B&N, i was home watching Sex and the City. In the episode, they all go to a bookstore (B&N i think) and Charlotte goes over to the Self-help section. They then pan over all the women sitting there, reading books, crying, looking a mess. I had to chuckle at it. Charlotte was embarrassed about being in that section and ordered her books from amazon instead of buying them where people could see her. When i was at B&N, i kind of hid the Surviving Infidelity book while i walked around, and then did feel a bit embarrassed when i was up at the register. Not that i should care what anyone thinks b/c i'll never see these people again. Just that i NEVER thought i'd have to buy one of those books. God, how did i get here?
Ugh...i want to call my H, just to say "hi." I have spoken to him pretty much every day over the past few months, and now not to speak for him 2 days feels like an eternity. It is just magnifying how much i miss him. Since we have been getting along so well lately, talking a lot and laughing, and just having a good time with each other, its hard not to talk to him, if even just to joke around. I know if I talk to him and say something about him not calling me (which i know i shouldn't say), he will just turn it back around on me. But, god, why can't he just pick up the damn phone and call me? Is he that busy? I don't think so? Or maybe he is just spending all of his free time with the beast. I hate this. It just makes me want to lash out and do something stupid. But, i won't...i know better.
