I am 20 years old and my H will be 24 this month. It seems like we are too young to be having this problem, but this iswhat's going on. confused: On new years eve it is has been a tradition of ours (my husband and I) to have sex. I know it's a little weird, but it always seems to work like that since we've been together almost 6 years. In June of 2005 we were married and this year everything has changed. When we first were married our sex life was better than ever and then after a couple of months things started to change. It started out that it was only oral sex for both of us, or it was oral for my husband and intercourse for me. Now it's getting to the point where I had to choose on or the other while either way he recieved oral sex. Well he did that to me on New year's where I had to choose and it really upset me and it caused a huge fight. It went on for a couple days where he wouldn't talk to me at all , then it went to he'll talk to me but he wouldn't touch me, and now it's he'll talk to me, and hug me (if I ask) and that's it. He refuses to have any sexual relations with me at all. When I told him it really makes me feel bad that he dosen't want to be with me in that manner it makes him mad and tells me I'm just being mean and I have no reason to be hurt by it because he dosen't feel like dealng with it. I can't help but be hurt and upset. Is there anything I can do with this? All I want to do is cry and it's making me feel so alone. Then later today things went from bad to worse. I really think this may be the end. Tonight I finally got my H to admit why he won't have any relations with me and he claims it's because everything is different now. I am so tired of the fighting and I need real help. Please someone... I don't know what to do. I have tried being nice, I've asked him to go on a date and he told me no we needed to save money but in the next sentance he told me he wanted to buy a video game. Then tonight he walked out on me when I was trying to talk to him. This isn't working and I don't know how to fix it. HELP PLEASE!!!!!!
First thing you have to do is to stop being grabby/needy and angry with your husband. No more yelling. Basically, you need to back off a bit without being angry with him.
Two things will drive him away quicker than just about anything else. One is acting needy. The second is anger.
Please tell us more about your situation. Specifically, what was a typical sexual interaction between the two of you before all the problems started.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
First I can empathize with your feelings right now, but I totally agree with NOPS, backoff. Right now, because you are so upset, you are your own worst enemy.
Give us more detail please as to your R with your H. There is something going on in your M that needs to be addressed....your H saying "everything has changed" isn't an answer, it's too general. In my experience, when my H would give me answers like that...it was his way of giving me an answer without answering the question at all....his way of not dealing with what he didn't want deal with.
You two just have some issues to work past. There are many people here who understand your situation and can help guide you.
Before the problem started, we were your basic newlywed couple, PDA, holding hands, kissing, etc. When we were alone the sex was great everything went how you would expect, lots of foreplay and then whatever came next. I admit I have been different toward him because almost 3 years ago right before Thanksgiving I went over to his house to see him and I caught him in bed with OW. and he promised me that it was a mistake and it just happened. Well that wasn't exactly true... He had been seeing her for almost 4 months and I was really hurt by that. But we worked through that and we decided to get married and everything was going smooth until I found out that he was chasing someone else (a lot of phone and internet meetings trying to get something set up) and after that I left him. Somehow we ended up getting back together and things were going great then we got married, and the sex was better than ever. then we decieded we were going to try and have a baby. That worked for about a month and then all of a sudden he didn't want to. his excuse was "we tried for a month and nothing happened so oh well" which really hurt and things just got worse from there, then things staretd to change. They were small changes at first like when we would fool around it was both of us getting oral and then he'd say he was too tired for anything else and we would finish some other time he's day it was an I.O.U. Then the next time I'd get the sex but nothing else, and when I asked about this he said everything was fair. Then it got to the point where I had to choose what I wanted, I couldn't have both, while no matter what I choose he had to get a bj "because his initial problem had to be solved first" So when I confronted him on New Years and told him it wasn't fair that I had to choose he basically told me that I was only going to get what he was giving which was basically sex with nothing else, or I wasn't getting anything at all. And that made me even madder which led to a huge fight. After a few days I just left him alone and when he calmed down enough to where he would start talking to me that's where the answer came from that everything has changed. When I was asking him what he thought changed he refused to answer it. He acts like he dosen't want to be with me anymore but he can't admit it, and it hurts more than if he would just say it's over. So I asked him to let me help and just talk to me about what is bothering him and he told me that nothing is ever going to change and he is not willing to make any changes because he claims he has and I am not paying attention enough to see it. I don't want to be mad at him, but when I see him I get so sad and my eyes tear up as to the point I'm going to cry and he gets p.o and walks out of the room. I can't help it. I've tried not to do it but I can't seem to control it. He won't tell me what the problem is and I don't know what to do to make my part right.
From your first post, I suspected he was cheating. Maybe he is or not, but It would be a good time to check it out.
If he is, who do you think it might be?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I forgot to mention that there are a lot of things I would like to tell you, but you need to get a few basics sorted out first.
Oh, and lest I forget, please stop trying to have children with him immediately.
Most importantly, PLEASE USE PROTECTION when you are having sex with him, especially since you are unsure of the issues. STD's are very real and can be deadly.
GEL, HP, Karen, IHJ, all the ladies. Please help get Kitty up to speed. Thanks!!
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Oh Kitty. This is a whole different situation. If your H is having an affair then this situation is not about being in a sex starved M and having sex won't fix it. You MUST deal with the affair issues. I really think you both (you alone if he won't go) need counseling. I am really concerned that you are dealing with a repeat cheat and liar here. You are a young woman. Do not have children with him. In fact, I'm not sure I would have sex with him of any sort until you have some things sorted out. Hang in here with us and we will try to help. First, find a counselor.
I absolutely agree with what NOPs said, use protection anytime you have sex with him....and postpone having children until this is worked out COMPLETELY.
The sad fact is your H has a history of cheating, multiple times....the probability is high that he's doing it again. I find it interesting that your H claims he has talked to you...but you aren't paying enough attention to see it? That's double talk hon.
Backoff of him....stop pushing. Right now, you are appearing really needy to him. He's most likely got someone else (sorry to say that) you appearing needy is going to drive him to her. I'd definitely start checking up on him though to find out for sure. Check cell phones, check bank accounts, credit card statements....if you don't have access to these things, get it....it would be too easy for him to hide things from you if you don't have access.
Do what we call GAL (Get A Life) as well. Do things without him, invite him if you'd like...but do them anyway. Join a club, join a gym, dance class....go back to school...whatever, but do some stuff just for YOU. This is going to do a couple of things. #1 Start making you feel better about yourself, & #2 Start making you appear less needy of him and therefore more attractive.
I wish I had more time right now, but I know some of the other ladies will chime in here and give you some great advice too.
Kitty, I see a really skewed relationship where he has basically done whatever he wanted, including sleeping with other women, while you make the best of it. Has it always been this way?
I would do exactly as GEL suggested. Get a life of your own and have him decide if he wants to participate in it or not. If so, then he will treat you with love and respect.
The sexual problems sound like they may be the tip of the iceberg.
