I am starting this post in hopes of advice. We are all busy trying to better ourselves in order to get our spouse back. Does anyone have any advice on that subject? Until they break up with other person they will never be commited to work on our relationship. Are we supposed to just sit around and wait?
Look for an outpouring of posts to follow that talk about getting a life and things of that nature!
No, we don't sit around waiting for their return. It's about us working on ourselves, taking the time to better our lives. Taking the focus off of them.
All of this is much easier said than done, of course.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Tough question - Do we just sit around and wait? I guess if having patience means waiting then yes! But does our whole life stop NO! When my wife and I first seperated my life stopped! My career meant nothing, lost contact with friends and family, and the worst thing is it was all reflected back on my kids! Now that my wife and started to reconcil (although we have taken a major step back recently) our kids are completly different. From this I know I will have to keep balance in my life and remain a positive influence for my kids regardless of the relationship with my wife! I made a commitment to my wife 8 years ago when I married her and that was for life! I also renewed that commitment when we first seperated that this is the women I want to spen my life and I will fight and do what is necessary to keep our R and marriage together! For how long? Right now personally I see no end to this commitment, so that means I am willing to wait with no end in sight! May that change? Possibly but those feelings have not entered the picture at all thru all this believe it or not! Take it day by day and remaining positive to hopefully ifluence the people around me be better people!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I agree Mamabear. You have been so nice in my thread I thought I'd share my ideas in yours. I will echo hope a bit. From everything, and I mean 100's maybe 1000's of posts, a few books and long talks with a friend or two, it seems like the universal truism is that so long as you are focused on them, they will not focus on you. In most of the cases here the WAS is feeling either trapped or somehow under pressure to be in our R's and the OP gives them the release and freedom to be themselves. So, for us to "attract them back" we have to become attractive once again. What makes anyone attractive to anyone else is sometimes a mystery but maybe if we go back and try to remember what our spouses used to say to us when they liked who we were we could figure it out. I know in my case my wife hated that I almost immediately (really even before the wedding) got out of shape when we were engaged. She made little funny comments back then (I seriously was heavier than ever in my life in my honeymoon pictures) but recently has taken to telling me I need to get in better shape. Now I am not overweight, and that's the problem. I look in the mirror and like what I see. Now, almost 12lbs lighter, I like it even more. Point is that I know that getting in shape physically will not only make me more attractive to others, but it's making me feel better about myself. Anyway, like I said, if you focus on what you used to get from your spouse in terms of compliments, then maybe it will help you determine what you need to get back to but not for them, for you. I, you, and everyone else here needs to remember that we are trying to save something that is in desperate peril/critical condition. By it's very nature, critical condition means that it could perish at any minute so if it does, these changes will need to be in effect in order to survive our new lives. By no means do I think that I can do what I am suggesting. Like hope said, it's easier said than done and right now I can't escape my need to be what she needs instead of what I want to be (even if it's based on her old vision of me).
I told my husband that I was working on ways to better myself and I needed him to tell me what my faults are. He said "What?, why are you trying to change yourself? You should be happy with who you are, you are a great person. All you need is $ and you would be Oprah. You are trying too hard to look for answers, we just drifted apart. How about if I tell you all of your good qualities?"
What? If I am so great why did he choose to leave me for someone else and why can't he end it with her and work on us?
He is off next week and says we will talk more....
The sad part is the realization that "winning them back" may not be in the cards. Its the journey to the goal that means the most. And while you're on that journey its important to reflect upon oneself and build that person up. Reading that again, I think I'm being negative. Sorry. But I guess that's kind of what I'm thinking right now. My W said to me last night that it appears that I'm trying to live life w/o her in the picture. WHAT??!? I don't remember making that decision! But the point is, we were all "somebody" before the relationship and we need to be "somebody" right now. Our spouses aren't contributing to those feelings, so we need to reach inside ourselves and find that somebody. In that process, we all hope that the spouse will see us as we used to be. Think about it. When you first met your W or H, were you brooding or emotional? Probably not. They fell in love with you.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Quote: What? If I am so great why did he choose to leave me for someone else and why can't he end it with her and work on us?
That is a question that you may not get an answer to right away. Take a look at MLC and the infedelity threads. He might have made this choice due to a insecure feeling about himself. He may not want/need to blame this on you.
Work Like you don't need to money
Love like you've never been hurt
Dance like no one is watching
My Story
I will interject something here: yes, I was moody and emotional. Always have been and she married me anyway. What does that say? She has issues? I think my wife would say the same thing mamabear. She would tell me that while I have (actually she did tell me this) faults, they are not bad enough to have caused her to do this. She did it because she needs to make her own decisions, for herself and this A is the first thing she feels she has done that is purely for her own good. In a way, she (and many other cheaters/WAS/MLCers) seems to be DBing her way out of her marriage. She sure as hell is focusing on herself and making the decisions she needs to make to be happy, for the moment. She is detaching and going dark and all that happy stuff. Certainly being a cheating bi*ch is a 180 from the loving wife and mother that I knew. She's probably even considering a LRT like filing for divorce in hopes that I will agree and let her go. So, I think one other reason we find it hard to do this DBing stuff is that it seems like it's really just doing to them what they did to us without an affair and we are not in a position where we feel ok with that. I want my wife back more than anything in the universe. I understand her decisions but I also understand that it CAN work. Like you mama, I am all for DBing and that stuff but my goal (I know, slap me) is to get her back and I want to do whatever it takes!
In most of the cases here the WAS is feeling either trapped or somehow under pressure to be in our R's and the OP gives them the release and freedom to be themselves. I like how you stated this. It’s almost an oxymoron that by having a R. with o.p., the WAS feels a sense of freedom. I think this has been one of THE most difficult concepts for me to understand. I’ve always thought by H wanting a R. with o.w. that it wasn’t a R. that scared him or was seen as unappealing to him, that this was proof there was something wrong with me.
Totally,
I hear you loud and clear. I’ve often looked at H’s actions as some kind of WAS-form of DB’ing. He’s about as 180 as can get; he’s gone dark on me; he GAL by hooking up with o.w. and picking up new hobbies/activities that are again 180’s; he’s very detached.
If he’s practicing “Divorce Rushing”, he’s doing a good job of it.
I can only speak for my H. and I hesitate to even do that lately. He’s the type of man that’s going to have to drown in the pool, kicking and screaming, before he realizes his mistakes. He’s not going to get it by dipping his toe in the water.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
What? If I am so great why did he choose to leave me for someone else and why can't he end it with her and work on us?
Ah. The big question. My H tells me all the time how great I am. How he still loves me. But yet, he is in an apartment and here I sit alone. But I'm not waiting. I have been rekindling friendships and making new ones. Doing fun stuff with the kids. Doing things for me. Went back to work. I have realized that I am truly a wonderful person. And I don't know if H really deserves me. I will tell you though this has been a long, strange, journey for me. I have known about the A for 16 months. So, I have been at this a while. And while DBing may not save my marriage, it helped me save ME. I do feel like I found myself again and I am now able to be a better wife, mother, and woman. We'll see if H can get his head out of his a@@ in time!
Hang in there. Take the focus off of him. Put it all on you. Our H's are in selfish mode and can think of only one thing - themselves. They are not out to hurt us, even though it feels that way. They are just really stuck in "me" mode. It's all about them. So shift your focus. It is so hard at first, but it does get better. If I can do it, anyone can!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
