While he may not have been trying to get some dirt on you by opening the phone bill, I guarantee he was doing it to make a point - to "get back at you" for looking at his bill. Maybe he thinks you will feel as violated as he did (but of course you don't since there is nothing to hide).
Hey preggo, not answering is the WAS number one tool. It is so much easier to just not reply. I know it's not what you had in mind, but I have seen it 100 times here when someone on the boards (including me) composes a heart felt (or sometimes hate filled) message to WAS and then waits with baited breath to see the reply - guess what happens every time? Nothing. No answer, zip, nadda.
I know you were just being friendly so to speak, but the same rule applies. He'll get over it in time. Of course, you'll be in Texas getting drunk with StrongNSassy by then but, hey, he had his chance
BTW, thought of the ultimate in bad jokes just now.
bigAl, you are sooooo bad!! And I freakin' *love* it!! I think you're right. I don't get it, but I don't have to. I just know that I'm going to continue being consistent in how I deal with him. I'm not trying to win him back. So I'm going to treat him today the same way I'll treat him a year from now. I don't think I'll have many regrets. He's his own problem.
Hey, ka_zump! Good point. I guess I didn't even think about that ... shows how "violated" I was. Been meaning to ask you: How are *you* doing? Anything new going on in your sitch?
P&Dbing, You really have it together; I am so impressed with you. I can't really offer advice to someone who's doing so much better than I am! I just dropped by to say hello. How is the little one doing? Kicking and moving about?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
(Hope) You really have it together; I am so impressed with you. I can't really offer advice to someone who's doing so much better than I am! I just dropped by to say hello. How is the little one doing? Kicking and moving about?
Awww, thank you. Actually, I can't take credit for having things together. Wanna know the secret? I have no options. When H left, he left. That was it. Yeah, he started coming back around last month, but I don't know why. I initiated the contact even then, but only after going 3 weeks without contacting him at all. From when he left on Sept. 16 to when I called him the week of Thanksgiving, he contacted me not once: No calls, no visits, no text messages, nothing.
And to this day, he hasn't called to ask one time how I am or how my daughters are, despite having been an active part of our lives for nearly 4 years. He hasn't called to ask how our unborn baby is, or how my pregnancy is going at all. Had he not lived across the street from me for the first 4 months after he left, I'm sure I wouldn't have seen him at all. The first time he came over was that week of Thanksgiving. After 3 weeks totally in the dark, I called him to ask if he would change the oil in my car. He didn't even recognize my voice, or at least he said he didn't. When I asked him for the favor, he eventually said he would do it but he put up a little fuss first. Told me to go buy everything, which he knows I'd be at a loss to do because that was always "his job." And he told me I'd only be saving $10 to have him do it. But he did it anyway.
And while he was over, we talked. We had a humorous back and forth about him rolling my trash can out to the road for me. I told him he should do it for me. He said, "Why can't you do it?" And I joked about being preggo and how he should look out for me a little. Later that night, the girls and I got home, and my trash can was rolled to the street. I TMed H (who was on his way to his folks' house in PA) and asked if he was responsible for it, and he wrote back: "No the trashcan boogie man did it."
Ahhhh. It was so awesome, having that little piece of my sweet H back.
Anyway, to make a long story short, that started a three-week road to recovery. He and I talked almost daily (still initiated by me for the most part). But for the first time since he had left, he initiated contact with me one Saturday morning (Dec. 10) when he called and said, "Hey, I'll be over later. I'm running to the store and just wanted to call to see if you needed anything."
That was one of the first things I had listed as "I'll-know-we're-improving-when..." Later that night, we went on our date and he "committed" to working on our M, though he had already said a few days before that he thought we could work things out. That Saturday night was also the night he told me about OW, but he said he had only taken her out "a few times" and that "nothing ever happened" between the two of them. He said he had cut things off with her right before he started coming back around the house (which would've been Thanksgiving-time).
Anyway, we ML twice that week in December, including the night of our date on the 10th. The baby's ultrasound was three days later, on Dec. 13. And I walked in on H and OW in bed the following day, Dec. 14.
And from that moment forward, I have been the manipulative b!tch who wrecked my own chances of reconciliation with my H , and he's become pretty much nonexistent ... again. We're right back to where we were when he first left: No contact whatsoever.
So it's not, IMHO, some supernatural willpower I have to move forward with my life. It's just that I don't have that many options. My H has left me with none. I mean, I guess I could mope around all the time, but where is that realistically going to get me? Yes, I have bad days, but those days are brought on by my own assignment of feelings to the "event," and not by the event itself. So I try to remember that if I had control over my feelings enough to get sad over remembering my H, then I have enough control to make myself forget about it once I've remembered it.
Geez. I know I'm prolly waaay rambling about stuff that really doesn't make any sense. But my original idea was a simple one: That sometimes I think that my sitch is actually a little easier to handle than many others', because my H left me high and dry. He doesn't toy with me -- whether intentionally or not -- by coming and going. I don't have to deal with seeing his face or hearing his voice or wondering if he's gonna stop by tonight or come over for dinner next week. My H's gone ... just as gone as the spouse who cleans out the house one day and bolts without telling his/her partner. And it's kinda as simple as that. But it still really, *really* sucks.
As for the baby, he's wonderful. Topsy-turvy, 'cause he's still small enough to have some wiggle room in there. He's prolly about 12 inches long, from head to toe. I have about 18 more weeks to go before he's expected to arrive, so he has plenty of time to grow. I actually wasn't showing until the first weekend of January. As of the end of December, I had gained less than 2 pounds total ... until I went to my sister's for New Year's. She's preggo, too, and shoved food down my throat for five days. So it's hard telling how much weight I've gained now. I know the baby sure grew. I've officially "popped!"
I don't know about you guys, but this week has friggin' sucked. Is it the fog? I can't get motivated to do darn near anything. Last week was awesome, and now this??? Oh well. This too shall pass.
I got a courtesy copy of a letter my L sent to H's L yesterday, just changing a few things about H's proposed agreement. Whereas H included that I would waive my right to alimony, we struck that and said we'd revisit it later. And instead of him putting the house on the market on May 1, as he proposed, we changed it to June 1. That way, the baby will be here and I'll be able to think a little more clearly about where I want to go in case the house sells quickly. If he put it on the market on May 1, there's a big possibility I would still be preggo. And that would suck.
So now, we see if H and his L agree to our changes. Regardless, we're serving H by Fri., Jan. 20, with our answer to his November order. And that means I'll likely have a court date coming up sometime within the next month. Won't that be weird? The way things are going, I won't see H, or hear his voice, from now until we're sitting in front of a judge who will pretty much decide where I go and when...
I was thinking last night: From the time H and I met until he left me, we never spent a night away from each other. Neither of us wanted to. If he went on an overnight biking trip, he would beg me to go just so I was there with him.
And then just like that, he's gone, and we haven't slept in the same bed since Sept. 15. And the next time I see him will be in court. It's just the strangest thing for me to be able to wrap my brain around this morning, for some odd reason.
Oh well. That's all for now. Nothing exciting, as usual. I just needed to get that off my mind so I can actually get a little work done today ... maybe.
I'm with you Preggo. Strange indeed. They are so instantly gone. Takes a little getting used to. I suspect the legal proceedings will stir something up in him sooner or later. Not that it matters, just my intuition.
I suspect the legal proceedings will stir something up in him sooner or later.
Yeah, that something prolly being even more uncontrollable anger. The legal thing is usually the last course anybody wants to take. Talk about the ultimate "love buster." But so is abandonment. And so is adultery. So I gotta do what I gotta do. And it's not like *I* initiated the legal route. I was served with papers. You know what they say about a fightin' dog bein' cornered...
His (angry) reaction because of legal proceedings has been one of my fears, though, and I don't know why. He's already angry enough to stay completely outta my life ... and not care. So what difference will it really make? I'm also concerned about *my* reaction. Here I'll be, 6 months preggo, sitting in a court room against my abandoning, adulterous spouse. There's a part of me that cringes at what's likely to come for him -- but that's me being "protective" of H again, I suppose. I just don't even want to be there to hear what a judge is prolly gonna say to him. The last thing I need to do is shed freakin' sad tears in a courtroom. How emotional! There's a part of me that hopes that H's own conscience is being hard enough on him -- and a judge just won't go there. Then again, maybe that's what H needs: A good tongue lashing from a hard-nosed judge who really doesn't give a sh!t about H. But what's it gonna do for me? Push the father of my child *that* much further outta my child's life?
Ugh. None of this is in my control, and I know that. He made his bed, made his decisions, and now he'll have to face the consequences. I'm just so used to being H's "brain" and keeping him out of stupid situations like this that it's hard for me to let him go and screw up this badly. The really sad part is that I honestly don't think H knows that we'll be actually sitting in a courtroom. Judging by what he has told me, he thinks all of this will be settled between our Ls. He really doesn't know better 'cause he's never had to deal with courts and such. Sigh. He has a lot to learn ... and I guess I do, too.
Hi Preggo, You are absolutely right. He hasn't got a clue how this is going to unfold. Call me old fashion but, I can't imagine too many judges looking kindly on a man leaving his pregnant wife. I'd wager it's high on the list of divorce no-nos.
My H has a tendancy to think things will work out his way just because he wants them to. Logic, reason, rationale never enter into his thinking. Oh well, guess it'll be the courts and judges that knock some sense into them. Didn't you say earlier that your H had fired his L after you caught him and OW? Something like he knew he was going to get screwed now, so he didn't need an attorney? Maybe I'm getting confused with someone else's thread.
I think it is kind of you to worry about the judge blasting your H. Maybe he needs that. Maybe it's the only way he will ever wake up.
My friend's sister just had her D hearing last week. My friend said it was so pathetic because the judge asked the H how old his children were and he couldn't answer. He looked to his STBXW and asked her.
You're right. They don't get it and we can't fix it for them. It doesn't mean we don't feel sadness over their downward spiral. Watching someone you love self destruct is very, very hard. I would have passed on this life experience had I been given that option.
Hope you're having a good day.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I think you're right. I don't get it, but I don't have to. I just know that I'm going to continue being consistent in how I deal with him. I'm not trying to win him back. So I'm going to treat him today the same way I'll treat him a year from now. I don't think I'll have many regrets. He's his own problem.
, and he's become pretty much nonexistent ... again. We're right back to where we were when he first left: No contact whatsoever. 
