She is also not sure when, if ever, she will be able to. She calls it her "wall". Maybe you should ask her to think about what her "wall" is. What does it protect her from? What can you do to help take it down?
What DOES she do? What can she start doing on a daily basis to show effort on her part?
You mentioned you're in seperate beds. Are these seperate bedrooms?
Out of curiosity have you asked her what she feels she's doing to repair the M? If her response is "I'm still here aren't I?" then tell her that's not actively working on the R.
Like most people that have affairs, they say their marriage was terrible, or more terrible than it was, to justify the affair. My W does that a lot and always points out that she wasnt happy. SO I guess she is protectign herself from getting hurt by me again. I know there are some things that I did were wrong, like not meeting some of her emotinal needs when she was desperate for it. Now, I am trying to meet those needs, now that I know exactly what they are. Will this brign her wall down? She says it will, but so far it hasnt.
Daily basis, she could be more affectionate and considerate.
We are in separate bedrooms. And yes she contributes to the household. No problems there.
"I'm still here aren't I?" She was "still there" (in your house) while carrying on her affair. What's different now? Is she remorseful over the affair? Is she sorry he left or sorry for hurting you?
How is she inconsiderate? She should be bending over backwards with consideration right now!
It's not at all uncommon for someone to re-write their marital history to justify their affair. So, she tells you she was unhappy before...did she communicate this to you before the affair? She very well may have but you didn't hear her. What specifically is she/was she unhappy with?
If she tries to give you generalities for answers peg her down to specifics. You didn't meet her emotional needs......how? What does she need of you?
Also, I don't doubt your W was/is really hurting. As you can see from this BB when people go without their needs being met they often feel neglected, unwanted, unloved, ignored...a whole gammet of emotions, but definitely not special to the person they are with. I know what it's like to build a wall against someone, I'm sure you do too. Those walls don't go up instantly, they go up brick by brick....it has to come down brick by brick too....and that takes time.
Lassie, What a good way to put it! It has to come down brick by brick....
I think a lot of people here want a quick fix, or at least quicker than brick by brick. I know I sure did. If someone had told me in the beginning that it'd take 3 years to get to some real progress, I'd have fainted dead away.
But the brick by brick analogy is a good way of looking at it.
It's one I've used myself quite a bit. It helps me keep things in perspective. Unfortunately it's one of those things that popped into my head when dealing with my XH, but that was a completely different sitch.
I have however used it with my H in our sitch, because he is the one with the walls. I know I didn't cause him to construct those walls, but those bricks would still have to come down one by one....whether it was my doing, or not.
What's different now? Is she remorseful over the affair? Is she sorry he left or sorry for hurting you? The difference now is that she came home not because I forced her, but because their situation ran its course. She is very remorseful over the affair. She says sorry all the time but does not groval, not her style.
How is she inconsiderate? She should be bending over backwards with consideration right now! She is considerate of my need for honesty at this point. She always ensures me of where she is and with who, when she isnt with me. She always phones to check in, not because I have demanded that, but because she wants to.
Do you love her? Yes. Without a doubt. Just hate what she did. I have analyzed this one to death and I am very sure of my answer.
Does she love you? All I can say is there are many things about me that she loves. She can't come out and say "I Love You".
