NOP, I am feeling all kinds of guilty and regret lately. Is this a normal part of the process?
I even apologized to H last weekend...thank GOD he is a man and not all that prone to resentment. He just shrugged and said, I don't even really remember what you're talking about but if you say you did it, I accept your apology. lol
It all seems like such a pointless waste. The "lost" years, I mean.
Just be careful that you only accept your portion of the blame. Hubby is at fault for not holding up his part of the marriage also.
Do you remember the discussion about blame a while back. You have to be very careful that you don't take on more fault than is yours to take. The rebound from such an action can be just as bad and lead to resentment as well.
Both of you have made mistakes that injured the relationship.
Both of you are on the steep discovery curve about your relationship right now. Expect it to be a bit of a ride and you will fare well
You are doing fine.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
HP wrote: --------------------------------------- It all seems like such a pointless waste. The "lost" years, I mean. ---------------------------------------
We feel the same way some days. I am glad for you that you learned your lessons a couple of decades ahead of where we learned ours. You now have skills that will serve you for a lifetime. Just practice using them on a regular basis. A marriage requires routine maintenance.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Lass, I'm feeling guilty about my contribution to the R problems. For sooooooooo long, I have tuned into H's with a laser like focus and now that he has changed, I'm left with...my own crapola. All the stuff I did in the past is haunting me. I've already taken care of it. I no longer do it, but I did it then and just why is that anyway? Furthermore, if I did it then, what's to say that I won't do it again in the future. These, and more, are the ridiculous thoughts that are pulsing through my gray matter.
It's not like I'm obssessed or anything, just feeling bad for the years in which I was anything but an exemplary wife. Could we avoided this? Probably not. His own stuff was too strong. But I'm certain that I prolonged it and that has me feelin guilty.
Because, I really don't have to tell you folks this, I really harangued my H for a while. Made his life a living hell. I'm sorry for that H.
Regular maintenance is hard for us, at this time of our lives, but we work at it. He has *totally* ditched the idea that he has to be in bed, sleeping, by nine. He now says that is ridiculous etc. This by itself is a minor miracle.
Date nights and trips away alone seem like such an impossibility but we have to find ways to make it happen. Finding a babysitter when we had one child was pretty easy..people even came to us and offered. Then when we had two kids we had to ask but people still said yes. Now that we have three, no one's offering and no one wants to do it even if we ask them. Can't say I blame them but still doesn't leave a lot of options. H is *very* hesitant to leave them with teenaged babysitters and the fight to get him to do it sorta negates the whole purpose--he's so mad that he left his kids with another kid that we don't enjoy ourselves.
Right now, our marital maintenance seems to consist of properly interacting with each other. Blurting out potential resentment fodder immediately, instead of letting it fester. (just had to do this last night) Being positive around each other. Making a point to meet each other's needs. Complimenting and being gracious. Reaching out to each other but also giving space when necessary. You know the drill.
Still, the dates and what not would really cement the deal. Maybe I need to focus on making that happen instead of focusing on all the ways I screwed up over the years. Clearly I need a FOCUS, lol.
Hi HP... Chiming in here to say that I have had a case of the guilts too. H and I were discussing how we couldn't stay up til midnight on New Yrs, and he brought up how we were even nerd-o's in our 20's, having gone on a cruise for our first anniversary ( I was 25 and he was 26) and how we never made it to the midnight buffet. And then he throws in that " it wasn't like we were having wild sex either"...recalling that we did not ML at all during that trip. He truly was not saying this in a resentful way...it was an easy, humorous convo...but afterwards I was like, " omg...I really sex starved this guy." Major attack of guilt ensued! But as NOP says, it takes two to tango ( or not tango)...did H ever really confron me or address the issue? Noooo. We were BOTH complicit in keeping the sexual relationship a miserable one, for many reasons, all of which you know about from reading my saga ( and thank you so much for all your responses...I learn so much from you).
Anyway...let go of the guilt! Guilt is only good when it causes you to do the right thing...it's productive in that way. Feeling negative about yourself...well, thats not helpful. And you are doing the right thing...and you are allowed to make mistakes along this incredible journey of growing up. It's what you do once you become knowledgeble that really counts.
I think its a normal part of the process too. I went through a pretty severe case of the guilty syndrome and apologized to H for all sorts of things from a 10-15 years ago and he pretty much reacted like your H did.
I eventually decided that the only way to truly show remorse is to change my actions for the better now and in the future. You've obviously done that already, so ditch the guilt.
Honey, I've been following some of your posts lately and I am just so thrilled for you. There is such a change in the tone of posts, you exude happiness and positive energy, and that is awesome to see.
I think we all feel a certain amount of guilt for hurting the one we love even if we were hurting him due to a genuine need of our own. Maybe, there were "better" ways you could have approached H. Maybe there was a kinder approach but perhaps this is just the path that you were meant to walk in your M. Maybe it was important for you to reach a place where you had to admit your own culpability too. I think you two are doing wonderfully. I also think that your H is darn lucky to have you.
About those date nights. I think you guys just need to get comfortable with having one at least once per month and finding a couple of teenagers is NOT negligent. Would it help if you had co-sitters since there are three? When I lived in FL there was a licensed, bonded babysitting service - all adults but very expensive. They were good. I only ever disliked one lady they sent. Call the County where they license daycares and see what they know. They might know some places. If you are members of a gym with a sitting service, some do "parents night out" once in a while. Even if your "date time" became working out together because of the gyms daycare that wouldn't be bad. Or, form a co-op of people through your church. Or, find a daytime daycare that allows "drop ins" and once a month go to lunch with H at work. Just some ideas for you honey but I think your H need to get real on this and accept whatever solution you find.
