My last thread got locked out Success in a New Day...Finally! before I could create another thread. There is a link to my all of my previous threads, and hence, my story, on the first page.
Yes, I am a DR success story, but we've hit a major bump in the road. I'll journal that in my next post.
Me 44 yoF SO 35 yoM R 3.5 years, lived together for 2, no M, no kids Bomb late September '04 After 3.5 mo hiatus, SO and I began to talk again He dated 2 or 3 OW's during our S I dated 1 for 2 mos. SO and I reunited on July 31, 2005
Okay folks, here's my update.
In my last thread, I'd been journaling/documenting our progress in our reconciliation.
As those of us around these "Piecing" parts know, the reconciliation is just the beginning, and a new round of hard but very worthwhile tasks lay ahead. There are always barriers and issues that arise as we piece our R's back together, rebuilding stronger, more loving, more mature and deeper R's with our beloveds.
One of the barriers I had come across in our early stages was catching SO in a lie about a blog he was keeping. It wasn't that he kept a blog; it was the lying. Us current/former LBS's have a tendency to have a suspicion hangover from the bomb. SO said that he didn't tell me about it (he used "journal" instead, which implies a paper diary of sorts) out of fear that I might go looking for it. He was afraid I would be hurt by what I would read there. I made it clear to him that I was hurt and angry that he'd been dishonest with me. But we did not argue about it, which was new behavior for us, and very much progress. We talked about it fairly calmly, then went our separate ways to process.
Eventually I did. And I found it. I found it yesterday. Now, what I read in his postings did not at all hurt me. I was prepared for the worst, but the worst of it was not nearly as bad as my imagination. However, I did find a link to another blog that threw me into a complete tailspin.
I found OW2's blog. OW2 was a 26 yo girl SO had been hanging around with in a social circle which continued to replace more and more of our R towards the end (6-8 mos. pre-bomb).
Shortly after SO and I reconciled, I started receiving anonomous emails accusing SO of cheating on me while I was out of town on business in early 2004. Again, a full 6-8 mos pre-bomb. I spoke to him about it and he thought it was OW1 who had been fairly psycho since he dumped her and moved on to OW2 a week or so later.
Anyway, I brushed it off for the most part. However, as I purused OW2's blog, I discovered that indeed SO had an PA with OW2 during a 5 week time period in early spring of 2004.
So folks, here is my dilemma -- I realize that this historical. I accept that I played a part in this. Our R had been rocky for a while, and of course I was doing all of the wrong things -- being whiney and afraid and pursuant -- which only pushed him further away and made him angrier. I accept my accountability in this situation.
SO and I discussed this calmly but with much tears for most of the night last night. I already had plans to go over to watch a movie, and I knew there was no way that I could back out without him getting suspicious that something was wrong. So, I intended to go over there and pretend that nothing was wrong (act as if, utilizing the 24 hour rule) until I could sort out a way to talk with him about it.
However, as the even drew to a close and we were getting ready for bed, I couldn't hold it in any longer and I just started to weep. I'd been holding it back all day and I just couldn't do it anymore.
I told him that I blamed myself for looking for the blog in the first place. (All you DR's out there, please note -- THIS IS WHY WE DO NOT SNOOP! It serves no good purpose. It violates the other person's privacy, and us LBS's usually end up pretty hurt over what we find.) I told SO that I wish he would have told me himself. He said he was afraid that he would loose me, or hurt me, if he had. He was trying to protect me. While I understand this Martian approach, I told him that he could not protect me from the truth. I also know he was trying to protect himself, for which I do not blame him. This is a normal response when one is trying to make amends for the past, and I honor that.
All in all the conversation was very good. No arguing, screaming, throwing things. I focused really hard on our friendship and trying to remain as calm as I could. I wanted to show SO that it is indeed safe for him to tell me things now, even if he thinks it may hurt me.
It is important that we both feel safe.
Now I just have to work on my own sense of safety. When I previously documented about the emails, I made the statement that were it to turn out to be true, I'm not sure I would really care. I felt at that time that I would be strong enough to plow through it.
Well folks, here I am, at that very place. I know that I have handled things in the past 36 hours in much different ways than I would have in the past.
For now I am dealing with my feelings of shock and disappointment (this is the man I would have sworn my life upon never doing this). I am struggling with not feeling like a fool (as all of this was going on during our R, it was my suspicion as such, and when I brought it up, he got very angry and said things to make me feel foolish for thinking that way).
I am definitely wrestling with demons here, but it is a much different dance than I was doing last spring.
I love you guys. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I navigate this old set of rapids in the river. (Reminds me of the post on Slowly's thread about not being able to put our foot in the same water of the river twice. I agree; we can't. My foot just traveled a time warp and now I have to deal with it. )
I saw your post on my thread and came over here real quick to get the #1 without even reading your opening. Sorry about that.
You are in a tough spot. I admire your self awareness to recognize that you can handle this differently now than you would have last year.
What about your own doubts? You're going to have to get through them, if the PA was during your R. I hope SO is working very hard to build your trust in him and in your new R.
The challenges never stop, do they?
You're in my prayers. You know that, don't you?
Thanks,
K
Last edited by koshka; 01/05/0612:53 AM.
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
This Piecing stuff is not a walk in the park, is it? I can understand the urge to assure ourselves that all's well, and there are no nasties in the closet. I'm sorry you discovered something. My first insticnt would be to do nothing for a while. Allow the emotional storm to pass. Open this box again when, and only if and when, you feel strong enough.
No Slowly, it's no picnic. I suppose it was bound to come out sooner or later -- that's the funny thing about the truth -- it's there, no matter how much we try to ignore it. It doesn't go away.
And yes, K, the doubts are starting to seep in. Or something is, anyway. I think for now it's called anger.
I'll probably be back later to do a whole lot of processing and virtual emotional vomiting. Yippee.
(((Martha))) I agree with Slowly. Let the storm pass over before you try to go out and clean up. The good news is that you are going to be OK--you have come so far and have so many tools at your fingertips now.
I smiled ruefully when I read your red part about snooping. I always think of your warning to me when I feel the urge. Chuck just told me the other day to stop because it is not a life-giving thing to do. This experience is another example of that. I saw a thread somewhere where people are advocating snooping. All I know is that it doesn't do me any good. I guess I'd say it's life-stunting.
I know Slowly is right. I knew it when I read it. It's what my instinct tells me now. I find great comfort that all that I've learned the past year is now serving me through this new development. "Life-stunting." Wow...what a picture that paints, eh? We should all be more vigilant of life-stunting behavior. Thanks for sharing that.
(Wow. Maybe I'm an emotional grown-up now, eh? )
Today was a good day. I never thought I'd say that after the way I was feeling this morning.
I had a very busy day at work, and that helped tremendously. Thank goodness for GAL skills, eh? That and work I love.
SO and I met for our usual Thursday lunch and had just a lovely, normal conversation. I spent last night at his place and the same was also true -- just a nice, normal, low-key time. We were both exhausted from the lack of sleep the previous night, so we both welcomed the quiet time. I think we both made up for our lack of sleep.
I'm still keeping my feelings of anger at bay right now. And that's okay. It's not a supression, which is definitely good. I am acknowledging to myself that they are there, but I'm not dwelling on them. Quite frankly, I have more important things to do than sit around and dwell on the past.
Wow.
So here is what I know right now:
When you're not sure what to do, focus on yourself and the GAL that you've built. This serves you very well in any sort of crisis and helps one stay grounded in reality.
If your SO is willing to stay connected to you through a rough patch, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Be willing to roll with it. It's good for both of you to remain level-headed and grounded in what you really want.
As K said on his thread, keep your eye on the horizon. What is your greater goal? If you can keep your eye on this, it will serve as your compass, your guide, through the rough patches.
Trust is still a choice. It's a choice I have to evaluate for myself; no one else can define this for me. But I can live with making that decision because I know what I want to build.
No matter what, I will be okay. Not only will I be okay, I will be fantastic because of all of the other blessings I have in my life (and shame on me for taking them all for granted at Ground Zero.) <insert stern look here>
I think that's all I have to say on that for now. (Paraphrasing one of my heroes, Forrest Gump. Really. Think about it/him. How much kinder or patient could any one human being be? )
Thank you for your prayers, K. And I'm sorry I missed you guys in Vegas! I would have loved joining you! Do I get to see the pic?
I STILL think we need to plan a Chicago thing! (Gabe? Kevin? Hey Slow, wanna come to the States? WCW, you're not horribly far from Chitown...)
More than sweet dreams, I wish for each of you peace tonight.
)
We should all be more vigilant of life-stunting behavior. Thanks for sharing that. 
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