Well, Hairdog, I wanted you to know of the beginning of the end. After many years of SSM, multiple attempts to seek help, time and time again, I asked her at the MC's office for a seperation. Her reply was very angry, and she indicates she wants to divorce. Today I will sign a contract to buy another house, and pick up my clothes. She was nice enough to place them in plastic garbage bags last week. Last night was the last time I'll sleep in the house that used to be a home. Two of my kids understand and support my decision to leave. It's a relief and a very sad occasion. This board has helped me in this difficult journey, to understand my feelings, to not give up on my hopes for happiness, to know I'm not alone in my reponses. I feel a genuine caring and love that comes from this forum,and we are not alone. I know you all will be there for me, in the future, as I sort thru issues that I do not understand. I thank you for it. Hairdog, as a fellow mid-western snow shoveler, I wish you well in your ongoing struggle. God bless you all.
I'm glad you have the knowledge that your kids support you in this decision. While I'm sad to hear of your separation, I know that it's not easy....I hope you are able to look forward as well. Life is presenting you with new opportunities :-)
I wish you the best, we're here for you when you need us.
ACD: This is a tough time for you. I remember going through this kind of thing with XW. Feeling like a displaced person?
I hope that 2006 gets better really soon for you. I hope you have a buddy or two you can hang out with during the next few weeks. Staying by yourself is not what you want to be doing right now.
You said that two of your kids understand and support your decision. How many kids do you have? Just remember that, while it's nice to have their support, it's not required. You did the hard work to figure out what was best for you and for them. Having a father who felt like a prisoner in a bad marriage was not as good for them as the alternative...although it's going to get a bit tougher before it gets better.
Have you filed yet? Seen an attorney? Read any books about parenting kids during and after a divorce? If you want, feel free to e-mail me at slinky22 at gmail dot com.
Thanks for all your kind words of support. It is both sad and exciting. I have 4 kids, S24,D21,D18,D16 The girls, except D18, seem to be either very angry or very quiet. None of the kids are surprised at this development. I do hope the bitterness and anger will stay out of the special relationship that we have with the kids. I'm sure it is easy to ask them to "pick sides". That can't be a good thing to do. Let the healing begin!! I have not seen a lawyer, as all I wanted was a seperation to sort out my feelings. She may see a lawyer and start the process. Time will tell. I'm ready either way. I'm looking in the library section for good books to understand the kids needs. I appreciate your input. CD
In any dilema in life, dealth, illness, accidents, divorce. The five stages of death and dying often apply. 1. Denial (This can't be real) 2. Anger (Why me? Who can I blame) 3. Bargaining (If he can just wait til the kids leave) 4. Depression (Speaks for itself) 5. Acceptance (Let make the best of it, move on)
As I have spent the past 5 years in my own private hell, wrestling with these issues, trying to make a logical decision about what to do, about 3 years ago, I reached acceptance stage and started to slowly detach from her, emotionally and physically. She was in denial, now is facing the next stage. It can go back and forth, so expect to see all/some of these over and over. I am aware of these feelings, and want to avoid causing her any pain as she goes thru this. I can't help her until she will allow it. So it is painful to watch (and experience the wrath). She has liked her life so far, plenty of money, works part time, has time to enjoy the vacation home, lives near her family. And we have great kids. The perfect life, but , oh yea, my husband has not been happy in a SSM, and has told me over and over again,but I'm not willing (or able)to do anything about it. Maybe angry at herself. Maybe she counted on me never taking any action. Whatever, it's happening now. CD
CD, I think it's pretty easy to detach from an angry person. But what are you going to do when she hits the other stages?
Incidentally, has she offered any explanations as to why she was unwilling or unable to work on the M? Does she have unmet needs herself that she is resentful over?
Oh and I don't think I've expressed my sympathy to you yet. I truly am sorry to hear of your decision, though I can't say I'm surprised.
Well, I'm to blame for poor communication over the years, I never started in the marriage with the kind of closeness that couple should share. Add 4 kids over 7 years, and it is not surprising that all her emotional needs were given thru the kids. We became good "parents" but never make it to a good "couple". Years fly by, until one day you look in the mirror and realise you are not "happy' in your relationship. The marriage can survive if you can open those communication lines, in non-threatening ways. We were not able to do this, despite careful guidance from various professionals. In the end, It is not fair to ask your partner to change their personalities, when you yourself are not able to change also. I like myself, have learned to love myself and hope to have one of my life's #1 needs met, to love and feel loved. It's too sad when people give up on that , and settle for a unloving, sexless marriage, with no joy or excitement. A much bigger shame than getting divorced, IMHO After that last child leaves home, it's just you and your spouse looking at each other. If you don't enjoy the same things,share the same dreams or even like each other, it will not be living happily ever after! Life is too short. Call it mid-life crisis, more like mid-life awareness.
I also hope that you will not date or engage in another relationship until this one is finished. Involving another person at this point in time is unfair to the spouse and to the new person in my opinion, especially with someone that has yet to process the pain of divorce.
Don't be surprised if your wife wants to reconcile and resolve the issues.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
