HAPPY NEW YEAR. Wow, I finally got a locked up thread.
Being a new year and a time for resolutions, I thought I'd make a lyrical quote...
"Yes, I'll make a resolution. That I'll never make another one. Just enjoy this ride on my trip around the sun". J. Buffett
New Year, New Thread and hopefully New Changes too.
HP,
Thanks for the sound bites from your up and coming "Womaneeze For Men" seminar and book signing tour. LOL.
And Yes I wil be saving a front row seat for BF so that we can both have fun keeping you off target of you discussion and turning every single comment you make into something about sex. I imagine that HairDog will be there too, but he'll probably be seated somewhere in the back of the room where it's a little darker and harder for you to see where all of those great one liners are coming from.
I really didn't think that she was playing or looking for "visual approval" in the way that you suggested. Although, you speak the language better than us guys here. I mentioned it because I know that she does have a problem with low self-esteem and that she simply wanted my "honest opinion". That's exactly what she said to me when she came into the kitchen with the outfit that she'd selected. So, maybe I'm just thick headed, and I don't get it. But I thought that she just asked, as she might have asked one of her girl friends, IYKWIM?
But hey, it's fun to look at it the other way too. A change for playfull flirting. lol. I'll tak that any chance I can get. So, keep 'em coming HP. I like BF's comments too...Have some fun with it
I have to admit, it's been a SS Holiday Season. Not that I'm counting, but it's been too long now. A complete lunar cycle, I'm sure. Not that I've been stellar on my end. But with a few broken promises here and there and me not following through and assertively taking the lead. I'm still waiting the "unwrap" that other Christmas gift. New Years Eve, D10, wanted to go to a party at one of my friends house to celebrate. My W really didn't want to go, was tired as well, and said I could go and take D10 without her. I didn't want W to spend New Years alone (my choice), and I didn't want to be out on the road after midnight. Especially since I knew that I'd be drinking and wasn't going to spend the night there. So we stayed at home, much to my D10's dissappointment. Wife was alseep on the sofa really early (8 or 9) so, we ended up playing with ALL of D10's new toys and games and I used up some left over firecrackers out in the front yard. By 11:30, D10 was about wiped out and crashed before the ball fell at midnight. She did ask me to wake her when it was 12, and I did, but she didn't remember it at all.LOL Buy then W was in bed too, so I woke her with a kisss ans a happy new years wish, but she didn't remember it either.
So, I spent the rest of the evening mindlessly watching the tube.
Yeasterday, we had my family over for a belated Christmas and had a nice dinner together. W had on one of her new outfits (more honest approval? more womaneeze flirting?). Either way, I let her know how good she looked and want I wanted to do later that evening. Seemed to be heading in the right direction, but D10 didn't end up going home w/ my sis as was planned and W fell aspleep about 9. When we got to bed later, as we laied there for a momement. I aksed her if she could stay awake long enough. She sleepily asked "Long enough for what"? I said "long enought for me to make love to you"... All I got was a mild moan and a "Sweetie, I'm too tired. Can we wait until tomorrow night"? I said, "Ok, that's fine. Your tired. But you better stay awake tomorrow"
Today, I keeping to my word. I'll have some fun (BF style) and do plenty of hugs and flirting...cause Gonna knock her Boots tonight.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
Quote: I dont think she broke her promises, as much as you didnt walk thru the opened door.
BF,
Guilty as charged! I see it clearly now. I seem to always has and "excuse" for "why" it hasn't happened yet. I can conviently place the blame on some situation, some event interfering with, blah, blah...
What I haven't done, is stand up own it and address it myself. And that's gotta stop!
I will try to address/respond to your questions soon. But for the moment I need to digress a bit.
More revealing.... more information...more changes...
Item One: Earlier in our R my W and I enjoyed watching porn together on occasion to spice up the mood. A few years ago, when the internet arrived in our home, we explored some of what was out there too. But, I slowly let it get out of hand.
I quit viewing internet porn back in Sept. I looked at it pretty regularly. I didn't sign up and pay for anything, I wasn't talking or chatting to anyone, just browsed the free stuff. W knew I was doing it. She wasn't happy about it either. I don't know why I was looking, maybe just trying to rationalize it as a replacement to what was not visualizing at home. But no rationalizing matters. I knew that she preferred that I stop. Reflecting back at that now. Well...Duh! What the F was I thinking???
This past summer, we were struggling with the same stuff as we are today. I had been reading here after buying and reading Michelle's book. I never could get my W to read it though, except the first chapter or so. Looking at other helpful sources, I came across an ad for a Weekend Marriage Enrichment. I convinced my W that we should go and she finally agreed.
The week before the event, I was looking at some porn and my W said that if we were going to get any benefit from the Workshop, then I needed to quit looking at that stuff. I don't know why it suddenly "clicked", it doesn't matter. But it did "click". And right then and there it stopped!
I deleted any and all of it from the PC and it's stayed that way ever since. I had done something selfish, and not honored my W's wishes. But I've come clean now.
Item Two, to follow... not enought time this am...
Last night, we did not follow through. No "excuses" though...no more! I asked her if she could stay awake. She asked "For what"?... I said " To ML. Your kidding? Did you forget about that from last night"? All I got was a dreary "Umm, I guess so..."
She was in a drug induced sleep. Lunesta!
I did not sleep well last night, couldn't sleep..toss turned..blah...blah..... It's those damn drugs...she can't keep her d@amn eyes open!
She knew d@mn well what we were supposed to do! Too mad right now... but gotta go to work.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
Quote: ----------------------------------------- She knew d@mn well what we were supposed to do! -----------------------------------------
So, tell her that's how it seems to you and see what she has to say. Don't accuse - inquire.
You have to directly discuss sex between you two. You will never get anywhere with innuendo. Until you establish a base that you are both willing to work from, you are doing nothing more than taking a walk in the swamp.
It sure sounds like she is avoiding sex with you, but how are you ever going to know if you don't discuss it with her?
If she is avoiding sex with you, then find out why, and see what changes BOTH of you can make to address the situation. Please note that "changes" include BOTH spouses.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Nice ownership. I find that SO's are ok with it as long as it is a inclusive thing. done together. as your post indicated it initially was. Long term, needs to get phased out, IMO.
More questions. How long did it go on that you were looking at it, then instead of initiating-- started waiting for her to? Ever have the thought, 'I am a guy its obvious I want it. Ill just wait for her to initiate. Dont want to 'force' my evil male desires on her'.
time spent browsing could have been better spent, developing EC in various QT activities.
I don't know why I was looking, Releases flood of arousal chemicals, very nuero pleasant, places brain in beta wave state. non logical, non productive, non creative. very satiating. species perpetuation drives are very selfish, and strong. You heard your W, kudos for that, gonna take time to undue still.
Nothing to beat yourself up about, stay in present, keep her in present, look to future. If she brings it up, If you havent already find some way to address it. Do not get caught up in it repeatedly. ex 'I am sorry. It was insensitive of me. I realized it was hurting you, I fixed it Its done. I want us to move on from it now.' Do not weep wail and flog yourself.
Does Your W has thyroid problems also? sheesh it seems to be a epidemic, I need to do some research I guess.
question, why wait for bed time to ML? my x needed 2 hours to wind down from work, typically not always but preferred early evening over bedtime. Mornings were also good when I went to work, after she did. Your T levels are going to be highest in the morning also. Morning nookie is GOOD, IMO, sets the whole day off right and relaxed and able to think of what I need to do instead of what need I have to do. If memory serves me, it lead to her being more sexual, later in the day also.
What steps are you taking to implement Nops suggestion of discussion and compromise and agreement. Do not use working on yourself as a way to avoid conflict. Do not use attraction as a way to avoid setting rules and boundaries.
I don't have a reply to your post as of yet. But, tonight I will have a talk with her about it. See, there was more to last night's saga that I haven't shared yet.
My W takes several medications regularly. Lately, my W has been very groggy. She sleeps a awful lot and at times can't keep her eyes open. She has buned a few holes in t-shirts that she wears, from smoking a cigarette while reclined watching TV. Last night while I was a wake in bed, she pop up opened her eyes and grabbed for one. I told her that she better not fall asleep with that in her hand.
Moments later, I heard a slight snore. I looked at the cig and watched it begin to slip. I caught it just before it hit the bed sheet. I was furious!!!!
I grabbed it whole in my bare hands. She said I got it, give it to me. I said in a loud voice, NO! I picked up the ashtray and box of cig's and marched out of the room. I placed them on the kitchen counter and by the time I got back to the room she was face down asleep in her pillow.
I had had enough! I'm not going to worry about her, and babysit her cig smoking! I was so MAD! I left the next morning with out saying a thing to her, no kiss good bye, paper still in the drive.....
When I got home from work last night, I didn't approach her at all, kept distant. She knew I was still PO'd. While she was making dinner, I said we've gotta talk. She had an acknowledgement and fear look in her eyes. I told her how mad I was from last night and I wans't going to cover her any more , that I feared for not inly her safety, but mine and D10's well. She said that she knew that and made herself a promise "No more"....
But, she hadn't said she was sorry. A bit later, again, I reinforced my concerns and anger with what and happened. And she replied OK, I said I was sorry and that I wouldnt happen again. I told No, you never did say you were sorry. She dissagreed. I said, "You simply sai that it would nver happen again, you never said your were sorry".
She looked at me then appologized. And we both just looked into each others eyes. I felt like it was a forced appology.
I gotta run now Kids are back in school. But I know that the root of the problem is the Rx's that she takes and that issue is next on my list.
Snook.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
Also, you do realize that if you are dealing with an addiction, then you are in an entirely different game. An addict is not going to be able to meet your needs, period.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I've taken an inventory and my web research has revealed some very scary facts. This is way more serious than I was aware of or previously thought. No more "head in the sand" for us. We need to seek some professional help, asap. So, I'll approach her with what I've discovered and begin to work with her Dr.
This is not going to be an easy thing to do. I'll check back in here when I can.
Thanks, Snook.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
