My ex and I have been divorced for just over two years. I'd like to maintain the friendship with her, but she doesn't seem to want to be friends.
I use the word "seem," because she has asked me to not make contact with her, yet she emails me, on average, once a week. I might not hear from her for a month, and then I'll receive several emails from her. The topic will be something odd, such as "can you give some of our old Christmas ornaments to somebody," or "will you buy a rug from me." Usually, the emails she sends are about something beneficial to her. Nevertheless, she goes out of her way to contact me.
I don't know how much of the story of our marriage I should tell. A brief synopsis -- we were happy for the first ten years or so, and not happy for the next five. She walked out to be with another man, although it wasn't physical. I know I wasn't a perfect husband by any stretch. Of course, by the time she chose to walk, she'd pretty much made up her mind and it was a done deal.
Things got nasty during the D, and then we started to build a friendship, which disintigrated around a year after our D when she found that I still was friends with an ex-friend of hers -- a friend about whom I admitted to her I'd always had some sexual feelings.
She will rebuff any contacts I attempt to make with her, yet she contacts me all the time. Rarely do a few days go by without an email or a telephone call from her.
I know this is a bit odd, but I'd appreciate any advice you can give me. It isn't like my life depends upon being friends with her or anything, but she and I really were best friends throughout our marriage, and I really miss that.
Thanks for responding to my question, maybe I can offer a suggestion.
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She will rebuff any contacts I attempt to make with her, yet she contacts me all the time. Rarely do a few days go by without an email or a telephone call from her.
Have you tried to make yourself a little less available when she contacts you? Be polite, be courtious and respectful, but throw a little mystery her way. Experiment, monitor results, be patient.
I am very close to my exH...we have been divorced for almost 6yrs now. Initially it was a little rough around the edges...but even when we went to court, we actually went together in the same car and had lunch afterwards. We've been that way ever since. I learned during our separation how to set boundaries. My exH had been an absolute control freak...and through setting boundaries and getting a new life, he was able to see me in a new light. He wasn't able to win me back the damage was too great and he never showed signs of changing his ways. But now we are the closest of friends and I adore his new GF...actually adore all his GFs (he generally has a few going at the same time, LOL!!) but now he's not my problem anymore.
I agree with the distancing...what is your goal here? Do you just want a friendship or are you trying to reconcile here? Because if you are just seeking a friendship...sounds like you have one already. I have friends, such as my ex that I see or hear from every now and then. I have friends that live out of state that I see every few years and we pick up back where we left off whenever we get together.
But if you are really seeking to reconcile with her then that would be different.
I'm curious, you made a comment that she knew about how you felt towards an exfriend of hers...when did she find out about this...during or after the marriage?
I also agree...back off a little bit and not be so available...return every few phone calls, don't always pick up the phone when she calls...return emails a day or two later and claim OOPS sorry I have been busy...blah blah...just see what happens.
